Week 9: 7-6, Overall: 55-48-1, Locks: 5-1

Greetings! Beddict’s back in the hizzy, already 0-1 this week after Andy Dalton was brought to his knees as if he was Miley Cyrus, after spiking (NSFW… kinda) her own drink with multiple mollys. I apologize, for I feel wrong comparing Andy Dalton to someone with real talent. Is there anything grosser than Miley going full camel toe, sticking her demonic tongue out, and twerking that pasty pancake ass? Sure there is… Andy Dalton playing QB in the National Football League. That was one of the most embarrassingly pathetic performances I’ve witnessed from a QB in my many days upon this earth. Not since Curtis “Putrid” Painter started almost the entire season when the Colts were tanking (not talked about enough) to get Andrew Luck, have I been cursed with watching such peon like play. Seems like a great guy in real life though… moving on. Let’s get to this week’s picks, shall we? The quest for the perfect week continues.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Tis I, Beddict, and I’m gonna drop some serious Bangerz on you today. Sky stole my breaking bad idea, so I suppose my version will have to drop on TeholBeddict.com. Drop by if you want to witness some hot solo jerk sessions and some life changing mankini shots. Back to Sky: I mean the guy is on season 4 for the God’s sake, and he has the balls to drop a breaking bad special on that ass and ask for no spoilers? Ok, think Tehol, think! Is there anything in this incredible universe more fascinating than the greatness that was Breaking Bad? After pulling my hair out and choking the chicken a couple times, it hit me! MILEY. Is it the Salvia smoking, the charmingly boyish haircut, the boner inducing twerking, or is it the blindingly white skin that almost makes Dakota Fanning look African American? We all know Miley’s super producer Mike Will is tagging and bagging that scrumptious pasty pancake ass. I mean, he’s got to be right?!? God dammit, I wanna be him, and that’s probably the first time I’ve ever wished to be another human being. I’d literally kill to bang my wrecking balls against that lurid, smooth skin. Speaking of wrecking balls, that’s my favorite song of Cyrus’s new album, which I listened to on my flight to Maui Thursday morning, specifically for the purpose of writing this prized piece. What I’m doing here is going through Miley’s song titles from her most recent album, Bangerz, taking a quote from them and placing the players under the songs I see fit for them after this last week. As per usual I will be breaking down the targets and touches for players that stood out to me. Oh and one more thing: It slipped my mind that last season my post’s were called ” Hard Targets” not “Targets and Touches,” so that’s coming back as well. I can feel your excitement from my hotel room, where I have two washed up models feeding me grapes and waxing my body for the big shoot tomorrow. When I say “shoot,” I don’t mean money shot, for this is not a porn. Only if I come upon dire straights will that happen. Dear Sky,

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings all! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, writers league defending champion, international male model and fantasy guru. I come to you today to speak of what will be an eventual champion fantasy football roster. Thus far I’ve never guaranteed a title and didn’t end up victorious. This year will be no different. I’m still not clear if this is a ppr league or not but based on my roster it’s truly not going to matter either way. Take heed.

Please, blog, may I have some more?