The NFL regular season starts Thursday. Oh what a glorious daaaaaay. Ohhhhh, kickin off the NFL season, the Tehol Beddict waaaaaaaaay. Oh yeah, I just went Billy Madison on that ass, one of the Elder Gods (and my)¬†favorite films. A tale of growth and maturation. A tale of destiny. You see, I was once like Billy, taking shots of Tequila with porn stars at 9 AM. Smoking peyote with tribesman in the Bermuda triangle. Doing lines of white lightening out of call girls’s yin-yangs in the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons. Yes, traveling the world and flexing your glutes for the camera can lead to some interesting experiences, but my life was incredibly empty. Was this really my true calling? One fine day, while I was going through my daily routine of harassing and verbally abusing my best friends to the point of them no longer speaking to me, like a bitch slap from Peter North’s dong, it hit me! I had a gift for creative writing and was without question a fantasy sports savant. Wouldn’t you know it, two weeks later I met Grey Albright at a swingers club in Tahoe, bonding with him as we Eiffel towered my long term lover. He thoroughly enjoyed combining the Naked Gun films with fantasy baseball for a post and decided to bring me in the fold. Was it my rapier wit or the briefcase full of money I left in the trunk of his car along with a bag containing the hair from my freshly shaved scrotum? I’ll never know, but, what I do know is, entertaining people with my mind and creativity is much more stimulating than greasing up my ass and grabbing my ankles for the cameraman. I’m happy to be here. Shout out to Billy Madison, for he followed his dreams, just as I have. We are kindred spirits, him and I.

I’m really losing it. Can we please get to my Week 1 rankings? I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?