I was watching NFL Network Sunday morning and a commercial came on that made me double take:

That’s right, there’s a curved erection epidemic running rampant in America! This advertisement created more questions than answers. First, what are the scientific qualifications for a shaft to earn the “diseased” label? Are we talking right angles or a bit more obtuse? Is there a special penis protractor to measure the exact angles? And what’s the treatment plan for this condition? You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know. But I am curious, who was this Peyronie guy? Whoever he was, thanks to him, the family name will forever go down as the crooked erection guys. The point is, no matter how terrible your fantasy football team was this season, things could be worse. You could be watching targeted erectile deformity ads on Sunday mornings. Even if you just got done searching Amazon for a penis protractor, at least the curved dong disease wasn’t named after you. And there’s always next year! So let’s all zip up our pants and shift our attention over to my early 2020 top 100 dynasty football PPR rankings which will be released into your veins–arm veins– via four-part slow drip: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Antonio Brown lit up his former team the Oakland Raiders this week, going off for 5 catches for 153 yards and 2 touchdowns as he fully delivered on his 2nd round fantasy-draft-price-tag. And just when his owners needed him most. He also chipped in 1 carry for 13 yards and he didn’t even fart in anyone’s face in the locker room after the win. Wait a minute, that doesn’t sound like the AB I know. *checks notes* Ahhhh this was A.J. Brown, not Antonio Brown! My bad, honest mistake. The Titans 2nd round rookie out of Mississippi, A.J. Brown, now has 6 touchdowns and three 100+ yard games on the season. Can I just draft the entire 2019 rookie receiver class on all of my teams next year? Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday afternoons’ games for fantasy football: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to Stat-o-Matic where we will look at some advanced stats around the NFL. As a disclaimer, I am using this space to play around with some numbers and present some interesting findings. But, by no means is this validated or predictive data. I hope that it will lead to meaningful discoveries or it could inspire you to go down your own rabbit hole. We’re going to explore together, crunch some numbers and see what pops out. Stats courtesy of PlayerProfiler.com.

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Nobody saw it coming in August, but the NFL game of the year is this weekend between the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens. Apparently, nobody at the NFL offices noticed as two week ago either as they kept it on the noon slate. We have detailed these teams throughout the season and touched on the Ravens now elite defense in last week’s article.

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Two weeks into the first round of the inaugural RazzBowl Playoffs and its been all RotoViz. With only one week remaining in round one, RotoViz’s Hasan Rahim and Mike Beers hold the the top two spots in the RazzBowl Championship Bracket. These two competitors remind me a lot of Myles Garrett and Antonio Brown, farting in their competitor’s faces and then bashing them over the head with their own helmets. Wait, where am I? What’s that smell? Oh, it’s just those RotoViz boys doing their thing. The RazzBowl Committee is now keeping a close eye on the actions of RotoViz as a whole, they’re on double secret probation! 

I’m sure you’re also wondering about Team Donkey Teeth because you spend most of your spare time thinking about my fantasy teams, right? Thanks for caring! We’re hanging in there — 16th place in the RazzBowl Wildcard Bracket — poised to advance on to round two in the Wildcard Bracket or maybe even make the leap to the Championship Bracket with a big week 12 performance. Anyway, since there’s no more pickups, let’s take a look back at some of the best bargains who were taken in the top 100 on RazzBowl Draft Day across all 15 of our leagues. Psych! First I need to mention the RazzBowl 2020 signup, which is now live! Alright, now lets look at those draft bargains . . . 

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If you didn’t watch the game last night and just peak at the final score, you would think that there was plenty of fantasy goodness that went on last night. Nothing is more frustrating than needing fantasy points on MNF and the offensive game play being sub-par, especially when the over hits. But also, nothing makes you feel as alive going into Monday night up 5 points with Chris Carson left and your opponent has Jimmy Garappollo and somehow, you pull it off without a sweat to get to 9-1. Rarely is luck on my side, but it seems to be in my big auction league this season.

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After the NFL Scouting Combine this past year, much was made of D.K. Metcalf’s rippling muscles. My boss was talking up the Ole Miss product’s biceps. My girlfriend was enamored with his bustling chest. Even Momma-Donk called to ask about D.K.’s glutes. But what nobody talked about were his bulging calves. That is until week 9, when the Buccaneers defense was hypnotized by Metcalf’s leg beef.

The entire Seahawks offense took full advantage of this calf-muscle-induced hypnosis with Russell Wilson going 29/43 for 378 yards and 5 touchdowns—he now has 22 passing touchdowns on the season—Tyler Lockett snagged 13 catches for 152 yards and 2 touchdowns—he now has 6 touchdowns on the season—and the sexy calved beast himself, D.K. Metcalf, hauled in 6 catches for 153 yards and his 5th touchdown. The Buccaneer defense will attempt to snap out of the trance before gazing into Kyler Murray’s sparkling eyes next week. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?