I woke up this morning with a pain in my heart. I couldn’t quite place what caused it, but it was there. So instead of indulging this pain by calling out sick, and moping around the house all day in those super comfy plaid fleece pants, I decided to go to work and go about my day as if the pain wasn’t there. But it was there, oh it was there. I was just in denial, I knew what the pain was, and I knew what caused it. But I was holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. But there I was, 1:30 pm EST in the front conference room at the office in a meeting with clients. My phone buzzed, and when I peered down at my screen it was just as I had feared “Dion Lewis out for season with ACL tear”. At that moment, I let out a primal scream that could only be matched by the sound of my mighty swinging scrotum pounding the inner-thighs of Tehol’s wiz. This is my fate for making light of all you Charles, Bell, and Foster owners in past weeks. In one awkward step a dream was lost, and a little piece of me died. I stand before you jaded and less innocent to life’s unfair twists, than I did a week ago. Now, as we always do, we pickup the pieces, recollect, and hit the wire…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Three words Jim Bob Cooter. Why do I begin this week’s edition of Through The Wire with the name of the Lions newly promoted Offensive Coordinator? Not because I feel his advancement will have any sort of positive impact upon the Lions offense. No, not at all, but for two very specific reasons, that are completely unrelated to football.
1. His birth name isn’t Jim Bob. It’s is in fact James Robert Cooter. To this I say he chose the Jim Bob life. That says a great deal about a person.
2. He’s a creep who likes to get a little silly, by breaking into woman’s bedrooms and stripping down to his tightie whities.
So now that I’ve been given my medium to express my feelings of appreciation for all that is The Coot, let’s move on to more pressing matters.I not going to do what everybody thinks I’m going to, and that’s talk about the Arian Foster injury and freak out man. Instead I’m going to quite simply state that I’m rooting for injuries at this point. So Arain Foster’s torn Achilles, good for business. On that note, here are your Week 8 wavier wire adds.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here today to discuss a problem that affects us all. That problem is Peyton Manning. Let’s imagine for a moment that all of you are as dumb as the author of this article, and you drafted Manning. I drafted him a lot, like all over. So before you look at me with judgmental stares, understand I’m not very smart, and I make it usual practice to kill as many brain cells as possible. So now that we’ve established the problem (Manning), and the reasons behind it (my lack of intellectual capacity). It’s time to discuss some solutions, and how we can triage this problem. Yes, I really wanted to use “triage” in a sentence…. Let’s begin by saying it’s the Broncos bye week, so even if for some God forsaken reason you decide to hold onto old fuss and feathers, you’re going to need a fill-in. For the rest of us rational thinking normies, we need a replacement. So begins our Wavier Wire adds for Week 7.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ahhhhh Fantasy Football, how I loathe you. Gentlemen and four ladies, we’re living in a world where Larry Fitzgerald, Dion Lewis, and Tyrod Taylor have more points than early rounders like DeMarco Murray, LeSean McCoy, and the bane of my existence, C.J. Anderson. Speaking of Crunk Juice Anderson, can I vent for a minute? I can? Thanks! So I’ve been playing in a league with some of my former co-workers for about nine years now. [Jay’s Note: This sounds familiar, almost as if I’ve read about this somewhere…] Over the years, the league has developed into a 14 team 0.5 ppr league with two keepers that can only be kept for a single year. For the first time in the league’s history, I missed the playoffs last year. Mostly due to a costly oversight on my part where I let Marshawn Lynch go as a first-round keeper for lesser players I perceived to be “better value”. Coming into this season, I found myself in a seemingly “better” situation with C.J. Anderson essentially free as a last-round keeper. I built a rather formidable squad on paper around Anderson drafting Antonio Brown, Peyton Manning, Jimmy Graham, and Lamar Miller. Not bad right? Well I’m 0-3, and the laughing stock of the league once again. Damn you Crunk Juice! Now, I’m not going to say all of those aforementioned lads are without fault this season, but none of them have sucked quite as bad as Anderson. So here’s the question I’ll pose for today: When is it time to move on from a player you heavily invested in? I’m not there yet with Anderson, but Ronnie Hillman is sitting on my bench and I wouldn’t be upset if Anderson missed a few games with an injury. Not wishing it on the guy, but it would make it easier to move on. Right? Anyway, we got byes this week and you might need to fill in a few spots, or maybe you own a sh*tbird or two you’re looking to dump. Well, not to worry, I have plenty of suggestions to fill your voids. Wait… what?Please, blog, may I have some more?
We’re only two weeks into the season Razzscallions and the QB-pocalypse is upon us. Much to the dismay of many a fantasy player, several top 12-ish quarterback options came down with somewhat significant injuries. Throwing a major road block into the grandiose plans of those with early leads coming out of the one o’clock games. Seriously marinate on that for a sec. How many managers rolling out one o’clock heroes like Antonio Brown, Jamal Charles, Dion Lewis, Gronk, and Julian Edelman were counting victories going into the four o’clock game with Tony Romo at QB? Literally tons! At work today, 2-3 of my coworkers came into “The Lifshitz’s” office looking for guidance on replacing Romo. That’s right, yours truly is an actual functioning member of society when I’m not filling the pages of three Razzball sites. (Speaking of which, go check out some real Fútbol over on RazzSoccer). Two of the three coworkers were in your standard 12-team PPR leagues, so there were plenty of viable options available (Tygod all day sun!), but the third coworker was in a slightly more difficult predicament… Co-worker number three, we’ll call him, is in a 14-team 2-QB league, and owns Romo WITH Brees. (YIKES!) He obviously came into the season with a major advantage, but here’s the problem, he has Jameis Winston as his third stringer and even Johnny Manizel is already owned. Shizzzzz, I’m freaking out just reading this. So what does this chap need to do? Who the hell can he pickup? Well Co-Worker number three, this one’s for you. Here are your Wavier Wire adds for Week 3 in Fantasy Football…Please, blog, may I have some more?