What’s this? Can it be? Yes, tis I, Beddict, back from the dead, both metaphorically and literally speaking, as I was recently shocked back to life after keestering (spellcheck wanted this word changed to “racketeering” for context) a bad batch of horse tranquilizers (or is that what they’re supposed to do?). Where have I been all season, you ask (or more likely don’t care)? Well, if you must know, I’ve been searching for my life’s purpose, something to dedicate my life to, something that inspires me…
At one point in time, I believed that writing was my true calling, believing I had the skill to become a known author, but, as per usual there was something holding me back from reaching my full potential, a blockade altering my path to glory yet again. As you sit at work reading this (while you should be working) you think to yourself: “Man, I can’t stand my wife. I wish I could go back in time and take a shot at the Brazilian stripper I met on my bachelor party in Vegas. She really seemed to get me.” Also: “What could possibly stop Tehol Beddict?!?!?! The man has a rocking body, a heart of gold, a slightly above average sized pipe, and a real talent on the key board. If he can’t become successful, who can!?!? WHY? WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL?!” The truth is, I’ve always given up on things too early, finding some excuse or reason to quit. Some would call this a fear or failure, some would call it laziness.
I’m sure many of you have experienced the same, or I don’t know, maybe you don’t have talent of any sort…and, errrr, that’s ok too… :-( …I guess what I’m trying to say here is, we all must dig deep within ourselves to become that person we were meant to be, to use the talents bestowed upon us by the Elder Gods. I’ve wasted many of the prime years of my life, but don’t intend on continuing to do so. Of course, we never intend to be utter failures in all aspects of life, so maybe I’m destined for a life of misery and despair. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, say he’s probably f*cked.
Oh, wait, is this a football column? Below are my thoughts on a few stories I find interesting in the NFL at the midway point of the season. Take Heed!
James Conner – By my calculations, James Connor will owe Le’Veon Bell about 15 million dollars, barring injury, for without Bell sitting out, and destroying ANY shot of him ever re-signing in Pittsburgh, James Conner more than likely would never have been given enough work to ever garner any sort of major contract. Certainly not on his second deal, possibly EVER. Seriously, these are the sort of things that keep me up nights that nobody EVER talks about. Think about it; Say Conner backs up Bell for the next couple years and continues to receive fairly minimal work. Does he ever show enough for a team to throw any kind of real money at him, or even be brought in somewhere with a shot to start? I mean, let’s just give him what Carlos Hyde got, which seems farfetched, for Hyde actually was quite productive, and he received just 5 million guaranteed. After that, you never know what will occur, as the lifespan of an NFL running back, as we well know, is shorter than an alligators dick. Now, with Bell sitting out, which now looks pretty dumb (We will find out next offseason if someone is willing to pay more than he passed on this year), Conner is putting up historic numbers and carrying many a fantasy owner to mid-season glory, setting himself up for a major contract in a couple years, that he otherwise never would have received. Crazy how the world works, am I right, my goodmen?
Saquon Barkley – Most sane writers, including myself ( Am I sane tho?) ridiculed the Giants for drafting Barkley over all the alleged franchise QB options considering the impact a good QB on the rookie wage scale can have on your franchise. That’s without mentioning the fact you probably don’t plan on being horrific enough again be drafting high enough to select one of the top throwers in any of the upcoming drafts, meaning you will have to pay a pretty penny to move on up to do so. Oh ho-ho!!!!! Guess what, guys/gals, the Giants are so piss poor pathetic, that they’ll undoubtedly end up back at the top of next year’s draft! This was probably their plan all along! Genius! Genius, I say! Wait…….what? There’s no star QBs in next year’s draft? F me in the goat ass.
On a serious note, none of the quarterbacks the Giants passed on have looked like superstars in the making (it’s early), and Barkley has surpassed my expectations and looks like a game changing back in the mold of a Todd Gurley or Zeke Elliot, so how can you really hate on the pick? The only reason the rushing numbers aren’t better is due to the godawful offensive line play. Honestly, if I’m in Giants management, I’m seriously limiting his touches for the rest of the season. Why pound him into the ground in worthless season when we’re always talking about how tread on running backs? I know Barkley’s fantasy owners don’t want to hear this (I’m one of them), but the Giants season is completely finished and I’m having nightmares of my goodman tearing his ACL in the final game of the season on yet another 2 yard swing pass, after breaking 4 tackles and being hit awkwardly out of bounds. Truly, it’s the smart call. I’m available if they would like my advice on the matter going forward.
Matthew Stafford – Is Stafford the most overrated player in NFL history? I became physically ill watching him attempt to play Quarterback against the Minnesota Vikings last Sunday, getting a live look-in at the definition of peasantry as Stafford attempted to pitch the ball backwards when he was on his way to picking up a rare first down, that was returned for a defensive touchdown. Did I mention the Vikings had a franchise record, TEN SACKS to go with the defensive touchdown. Or did I also forget to mention I was playing against the Vikings defense this week, and only lost because of this record breaking performance that was in large part due to Stafford holding on the ball for grotesque amounts of time?
In all seriousness, Stafford has cleared more money than about 99 percent of players in NFL history, and for what? Why have they tied their future to a guy who clearly isn’t the answer? Yes, we know Stafford has tremendous arm talent, and that he’s good at coming back from large deficits, albeit with no pressure and still usually coming out un-victorious, but he’s never won anything meaningful. Then again, Detroit has literally been completely inept for my entire lifetime, and that should be impossible. Seriously, you can’t even get one lucky year, where you catch some breaks and win a playoff game? Good Gods, those fans should be given a free bowl of soup and a hug for showing up weekly for that dumpster fire. Can you tell I’m bitter about my fantasy loss, or did you stop reading a long time ago? All righty then.
The San Francisco 49ers – Have you ever gone to a swingers party, thinking that it’s not natural for humans to only have one lover, only to leave with the sight of your wife being pig roasted by the guys you play Saturday golf with, forever ingrained in your brain? Talk about a best ball tournament…….Yikes. Anyway, yea, that’s the 49ers this season. Did anyone see it coming? Well, absolutely, one man who goes by the fake name of Tehol Beddict saw it coming a mile away.
You see, I’ve been blasting almost every move John Lynch has made for the past two seasons and it’s been killing me to read incessantly about how great a job the Niners have done building this team. Of course, they traded for Jimmy Garoppolo, the porn star spearing savant, and I’m certainly not going to dispute that move. BUT (People like to point out that you can’t start sentences with but, BUT, you actually can, morons), almost everything else they’ve done has been downright disgraceful and many important leather bound books should be written for humanity to remember how NOT to build an NFL roster.
Cool, I get it, Jerick McKinnon tore his ACL in preseason, and I have always liked this fellow as a player, but the fact is, he disappointed almost EVERY time he was given a chance to lead the team in touches. Many of you (All of you) seem to forget how excited we were to pick McKinnon up every time Adrian Peterson was injured or suspended for beating the brakes off of one his kids, but the numbers will tell you, he has never lived up the hype. Yes, he was really good IN PPR, for a nice stretch of last season but, ummmmm, but dude hasn’t averaged over 3.8 yards per carry since 2015, and that was off of 52 carries. He’s NEVER gotten carries near the goal line, making him a maddening player to own in fantasy. Search your hearts, for you know it to be true. Why am I spending so much time writing about a player who didn’t even play a single snap in 2018? I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T F*CKING KNOW.
Honestly, I could write all day about how the Niners made a lateral move in trading Trent Brown, only to take a right tackle with a top 10 pick, or how basically all the defensive backs they’ve drafted have bricked, or how they reached on Dante Pettis, or how they haven’t invested in weapons for their big money quarterback, or how Garçon is beyond washed, or without the great pick of George Kittle, they would literally have done everything incorrectly. But (There it is again, MFers), I don’t have all day….Actually, I do, but Jay probably doesn’t, and that’s how long it would take to edit this if I continued on.
I believe I’ve droned on long enough for on post, but rest assured I shall return like Jesus on Easter or however that story goes. Don’t look for me, as I shall find you. So happy to be home, back at Razzball. Have a wonderful week.
If you’re at all interested in my daily life, follow me on Instagram @LtmurrayIV, where you can access me to talk sports whenever you so choose.