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Week 3, how about thee? I spent all day on the phone with Donkey Teeth as he narrated the Red Zone games to me, describing every play in detail. “Kyler Murray passes to Bryan Edwards! It’s 34-10 going into the half! No, now it’s 24-21 and the third quarter is halfway over. Chris Carson runs down the middle and gets Roman male enhancement pills!” Maybe it’s not the most effective way to cover the NFL. Does anybody know a better way than getting your colleague to narrate the games over the phone to you? If you do, list it down in the comments! Here’s the story that I got straight from the Donkey’s mouth: 

Ben Roethlisberger and Najee Harris: Get you a running back that will carry your baggage as you get older, right? For Drew Brees, there was Alvin Kamara. For Benjamin Button Roethlisbergeré (he’s from the Alsace-Lorraine region), he got his key receiver to do his work, famed wideout Najee Harris. On Sunday, the man from Roethlis targeted his rookie running back a ridiculous 19 times, connecting on 14 of the passes for 102 yards. Imagine bookies in Vegas thinking, “Ben was crushed last week, he’s clearly tired and hurt, let’s put the under on his completions at 14.5.” Double Berger reads that and says, “It’s time to get the drop on them.” 19 dump passes later, he’s profited a couple bucks and earning that Fanduel Sportsbook endorsement. But this is more or less the norm for Roethlisberger at this point in his career: big spectacular days that make you think he’s a top 7 fantasy quarterback, followed by a month of mediocrity. Quick — where did Large Ben finish in 2020 among fantasy QBs? QB14 is the answer. Bleh. Streamer, right there with Derek Carr and Kirk Cousins. Where was Ben Big among 2021 fantasy QBs before week 3? QB26. Eew. Also I just traded Teddy Bridgewater for Roethlisberger in my home league so watch me get those old man bennies. 

Josh Allen, Emmanuel Sanders, and Cole Beasley: Allen debuted at the debutante ball in week 3 with over 350 yards passing and 4 visits to the end zone. Notably adequate in the stat sheet is Stefon Diggs, who finally has the attention of defenses in the way that Tyreek Hill gets attention. That’s not stellar for fantasy because when Diggs draws half the defense in his direction, he gets fewer targets (although he finished the day with 10 targets, so pardon my hyperbole). But with Diggs drawing coverage, it opens up Cole Beasley and Emmanuel Sanders to have big days, and they’ve been getting rich recently. In week 3, Beasley led the Bills receivers with 13 targets and 11 receptions for 98 yards, while Emmanuel Sanders lived up to his “deep threat” reputation by pulling down 5 catches on 6 targets for 94 yards and two touchdowns. Let’s take a look at one of them and contemplate our fleeting existence on this here spinning globe. 

Patrick Mahomes: Chiefs are off to a 1-2 start after losing to the Chargers, but none of that is Mahomes’ fault. Mahomes put up 260 yards in the air with 3 TDs, but ended up with 2 interceptions. One of those picks stemmed from a receiver not expecting a no-look pass, and another pick came in catchup time when Mahomes was doing one of his patented “throw off the back foot while chanting the Pledge of Allegiance” throws. Tyreek Hill has been blanketed over the past few weeks, which has led the other Chiefs receivers to try and carry the weight. However, the likes of Byron Pringle have shown to be less than brave going up the middle, and the results are a Super Bowl-caliber team residing at the bottom of the standings. The Chiefs will be fine. All players and teams have tough times, and it’s not surprising for elite teams to need adjustment periods. Keep starting your Chiefs in all formats because they’ll produce in different ways each week — did I mention that Clyde Edwards-Helaire rushed for 100 yards? Yeah, you forgot about him, didn’t you? Start your studs and recognize that variance is just the nature of the game. 

Justin Tucker: All of us shorties who spend junior high gym class kicking 23-yard field goals in the snow have our hero: Justin Tucker. Anybody out there remember Tecmo Bowl? I was a huge Tecmo Bowl fan growing up. Christian Okoye — the Nigerian Nightmare — bashing through every blocker. Lawerence Taylor…’nuff said. Then there were the likes of Chip Lohmiller, the mega-legged kicker who was my video game avatar at trying to reach that fabled 62-yard field goal threshold. Then came the 2000s, and the likes of Matt Prater made 62-yard field goals seem like regular occurrences. Actually, I covered Matt Prater’s 62-yard field goal last week, and it was so boring I didn’t even include a GIF. This week, Justin Tucker set a new NFL record with a 66-yard field goal. What a world. Think I’m gonna go play some Tecmo Bowl now. 

Jonathan Taylor: 6.4 yards per carry as the Colts remained completely lost on offense. Colts QB Carson Wentz injured both ankles last week and was questionable during the business week, with most pundits expecting backup Jacob Eason to start under center in week 3. However, Wentz yet again convinced his coaches that he was the best man to start — even with two injured ankles — and he put up a 50% completion rate with 190 yards passing. Of course, 30% of Wentz’ production in week 3 went to scatback Nyheim Hines. Sigh. Us sideline jockeys know that Taylor should be getting more run. Even Zack Moss — the RB2 on a team that was crushing the pass game today — got more rush attempts than Jonathan Taylor today. Wait for it: Chubba Hubbard, the rookie backup to Christian McCaffrey (who got injured in the Thursday night game) got more carries than Taylor. Establish the run, right? But we’re probably on the cusp of a Jonathan Taylor breakout soon. It’s tough to remember that a running back getting 60 yards per game would finish the season with 1,000 yards. It’s just, we also want our RB1 to have the potential for 15 to 20 carries per week, right? Fingers crossed JT is used more next week. 

Cordarelle Patterson: Everybody’s favorite add this week crushed it in receiving and added a whopping 20 yards on 7 carries on the ground. Also — Cordarelle Patterson nearly ran as much as Jonathan Taylor. What’s up with that? CP will be a volatile player usable on deep teams, but don’t get terribly excited that he’s your new RB1.

The Minnesota Vikings: Let’s frame the scene: Vikings head coach is the longest-tenured coach in the NFC North. His opponents are a mess: Aaron Rodgers threatened to retire from football and spent the off-season trying out for Jeopardy; the Lions jettisoned their quarterback and did a roster restart with a new head coach; the Bears can’t figure out if they should start their prized first-round quarterback over Andy Dalton. And meanwhile, the Vikings opened the year with a loss against the Bengals (with coach Zac Taylor being one of the least-successful head coaches in NFL history) and another loss against Arizona. Starting 0-2 in the NFC North in a situation like that says, “Must win,” right? And Zimmer and his offense did just that against the Seahawks on Sunday. With Dalvin Cook out, Alexander Mattison rattled off 26 rushes for over 100 yards, and I’m sorry if I told you not to pursue the man who hasn’t done a million things. But for real — when Cook is in, Mattison has no useful fantasy role. And perhaps Mattison will be contained better when he’s not facing off against one of the worst rush defenses of the league. Meanwhile, Justin Jefferson snared 120 yards through the air, followed by Tyler Conklin with 70 yards. Kirk Cousins — the King of the Second Half Comeback — finally took the reigns (using the kingly term there — sneaky, aren’t I?) and controlled the game…probably because it was against a “losing” Seattle Seahawks team. Once King Kirk can manage the field on Monday Night Football or against a team with a winning record, we’ll get even more fantasy excited because we can depend on him every week. But I have a sneaking suspicion Mike Zimmer went to Kirk Cousins this week and said, “If we don’t want to find ourselves as the assistant coach and QB of the Houston Texans next year, we better start winning.” This could bode well for fantasy players who invested in the Vikings this year. 

Peyton Barber: Over a hundred yards rushing, which is what everybody expected for the Raiders in the pre-season, right? Josh Jacobs’ toe is just a problem, so once Jacobs returns, Barber could disappear. 

James Conner: 43 yards on the ground and 2 rushing touchdowns. Yeah, it’s gonna be that kind of year. Kyler Murray decided to let the ground game get a couple TDs this week, and Conner showed us he’s still fantasy relevant and DFS relevant. 

Antonio Gibson: Sometimes you just need a big play, right? 73 yards on one catch. Taylor Heineke was never going to be the second coming of Joe Namath…wait…Joe Namath was awful…OK, maybe he was. But The Football Team faced off against a competent defense and played from behind most of the time, so the dump pass to Gibson that resulted in a big TD was about as good as we can expect. 

Mike Gesicki: 12 targets, 10 catches, 80 yards. New QB in town changes things. While Jacoby Brisset is under center, roll with Gesicki. 

OK, how did week 3 go for you? Did you win big or are you chanting, “Variance, variance!” all around the interwebs? Let me know down in the comments!