I hope this week’s injury report finds you well and uninjured, unlike these poor saps below.
Anquan Boldin: Questionable — I know when I drag my ham around for long periods of time the string gets all funky. Guessing this is Boldin’s problem. He will be a game time decision, which sucks since he plays late. Check when your teams lock and if you have another option that plays late or Monday night. If not I’d sit him.
Brian Westbrook: Probable — You’ll see Mr. Westbrook on this list early and often this season. He’s a good play against the Panthers. You know what you got into when you picked him, unless it was an autodraft and then you should have preranked your players or got a better internet connection or not had so many jello shots.
Pierre Thomas: Out — It might be time to start doubting Thomas just a bit. I hope his MCL sprain doesn’t linger or reoccur, but if it does you picked up Bell and are ready to go! Right?
Tom Brady: Probable (as usual) — He’s fine. This will be the last time I mention Brady on the injury report unless he actually gets injured.
Matt Cassel: Questionable — This is just to fill up some space for this post. You wouldn’t start a banged up Cassel in Baltimore on a dare.
Matt Schaub: Probable — One of the many QB’s named Matt, this one is fine and you should start him.
Bernard Berrian: Questionable — BB will be a game time decision. He’s probably worth waiting on, but his hammy could act up during the game. If you have a decent backup I’d take a hard look at him.
Kyle Orton: Questionable — The bearded neck will play with a glove over his boo boo. He’ll probably be ok, but there are a lot of questions surrounding the Broncos going into Cincinnati; I’d be cautious.
Knowshon Moreno: Questionable — He’s been practicing, but not even Josh McDaniels’ diary knows how much work, if any, he’ll get. And if you get your hands on that diary I want to see if there are any scribbled out hearts with “JM + BM” inside them.
Wes Welker: Questionable — He’s been practicing, sorda. I think he’ll play, but with Billy B. we may not know until his 3rd or 4th reception.
Chris Henry: Probable — He says he’ll play, but he is still a #3 receiver. He does get the Chiefs and with his nose for the goalline he could grab a TD.
Antonio Bryant: Probable — He’s been practicing. I like his ability, but don’t like his situation. I’m throwing him against the starters’ wall until he stops sticking.
Kevin Walter: Questionable — He’ll be a game time decision, but I wouldn’t wait too long. I’d switch him for a warmer body.
Here are some more injuries to players I deem inferior and who shall not receive commentary. May they hang their heads in shame:
Fred Jackson: Probable — Wrist
Mark Clayton: Probable — Hamstring
LJ Smith: Out — Hamstring
Jerome Harrison: Questionable — Knee
Jabar Gaffney: Questionable — Thumb
Justin Fargas: Questionable — Hamstring
Chaz Schillens: Out — Foot
Dustin Keller: Probable — Toe
Deion Branch: Questionable — Hamstring
Jerious Norwood: Probable — Knee
Jeremy Shockey: Probable — Ankle
Mark Bulger: Probable — Finger