Hunh, that’s weird. A prime time Patriots game not against the Colts or Broncos? No Tom Brady still? Gronk still questionable? A third-string quarterback starting? The first black quarterback to start for the Patriots… ever? ALL THE QUESTION MARKS? Yeah, so this should be an easy loss for them. *Looks at matchup* LOL, nevermind. The Texans travel to Boston, bringing with them a quarterback that we’ve affectionately (I think?) labeled as Brock Lobster (hey, when there’s low-hanging fruit, go for it brah) that continues to prove to everyone what simply shouldn’t be provable, that John Elway might have been right about something. Despite providing an underwhelming first two weeks, Lamar Miller and the emergence of Will Fuller have eased the blow to all Texan fans. All six of you. Meanwhile, as was touched on before, we are basically watching Bill Belichick’s biggest strategic gambit pay off, as he has decided to punt the first three weeks of the season and still win all of those games just to assert dominance over the AFC. This may seem less impressive when they’ve beaten the Dolphins and what was an under-achieving Cardinals, but then you realize that about 88% of their team has been deflating balls or getting shoulders and legs exploded during that time…
Note: Rankings have been released and can be found here!
Take one sip of your drink if…
Phil Simms says something that makes you mute the television. (Baby sips.)
Bill Belichick causes you to experience an emotion.
J.J. Watt is mentioned.
Deflategate is mentioned in any context.
Phil Simms responds to Jim Nantz with a “WELL JEEM”.
The Oilers are mentioned.
Finish your drink if…
You see a Texans fan in the stadium shots.
There’s a Jimmy Garoppolo sighting on the sidelines.
Danny Amendola gets injured.
Totally Legitimate Game Prediction
Texans – 6 (The number of Texan fans. Source: My lede.)
Patriots – 57 (Because we don’t deserve nice things. Probably because of masturbation.)