Welcome to the Week 1: First Half of the First Game Overreaction Spectacular, where we draw sweeping, entirely reckless conclusions from 30 minutes of football and use them to guide our fantasy teams, therapy sessions, and internal monologues for the rest of the season.
Jets: Hope Is a Drug and We’re All Relapsing
The Jets looked… good? Competent at least. Like, “you may pick another offense on the field to go make a sandwich” good.
Justin Fields looked like a guy who understands football. We didn’t expect much, so naturally we’re ready to declare him the new savior of New Jersey.
Breece Hall still has the jets (pun intended), and seems like he’s the 2nd target in this offense.
Garrett Wilson was getting peppered like some Buc-ees jerky. Remember that DJM season…Pepperidge Farm ‘memebers
And then there’s Braelon “Vulture” Allen, who casually strolled in and robbed Breece of glory. Hope you got Breece in PPR leagues.
Dolphins: Tua is Running Scurred
I’ve defended Tua like he’s my childhood friend. I’ve made excuses. But he looked like he was trying to backpedaled so far he was hit with sales tax.
The offensive line was… not great. But also Tua kept dropping back so far he was practically sitting in the second row of the stadium.
Every play looked like it was designed by someone playing all or nothing Madden calls.
It’s early, but the combo of “bad protection + haunted QB movement” is the kind of thing that makes you consider early retirement, from watching the ‘phins entirely. Sandwich time!
Browns: The Backfield is a Mess, but Joe “It’s Fine” Flacco is Still Breathing
The Browns’ backfield is currently a spiritual exercise in uncertainty.
It might eventually make sense when Quinshon Judkins joins the party, but for now let’s just muck this down and get cards that might be meaningful
Meanwhile, Joe Flacco is here. Still. Throwing footballs. Not amazing, not terrible, just that perfect shade of “meh” that gets you through the first half of a Sunday.
Raiders: Geno Smith, Wealth Distributor
Geno Smith clearly read How to Win Friends and Target Everyone. He’s out here feeding the WR room like Dexter with donuts in the morning.
No one’s standing out, which is either:
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A beautiful example of team chemistry, or
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A warning sign for the pass catchers here (other than Bowers).
Steelers: Aaron Rodgers Still Throws Pretty Spirals — From a Wheelchair
Rodgers arm looks better than last year. That’s something.
Unfortunately, he moves like someone trying to turn a battleship in a bathtub. Pressure gets near him and he just… absorbs it. No scrambling, no movement. Just standing tall like a proud statue right before it gets knocked over by an inobservant truck driver backing up (beep beep beep).
Patriots: Drake Maye, The Least Broken QB Since Brady
Drake Maye looked… not terrible? He threw spirals to the right team, made decent decisions, and didn’t look like a malfunctioning animatronic from Chuck E. Cheese.
In Foxborough, that’s called progress.
Rhamondre looks slower than ever. When will they give the running game to Mr. Henderson?
Falcons: Penix Still Has That Scattergun Aim, But Hey — Nice Toys
Michael Penix Jr.’s accuracy is still a work in progress. But the Falcons’ offense? Stacked.
If he can get even half of his throws near the right zip code, someone with a pulse is going to house it. Like Bijan did.
Giants: The Offensive Line Is Still a Disaster and Russ Is Just… Okay
Russell Wilson is the 10:30 AM coffee still sitting on your desk. Is it going to do its job? Yes. Is it like it once was? No.
But the Giants offensive line is trying to set a new record for “number of QB hits allowed in under 15 minutes.”
Honestly, he deserves a medal for even standing upright at halftime.
Bengals: TE Controversy Nobody Asked For
Noah Fant and Mike Gesicki both are not what we thought they might be, but Fant can kind of block and Gesicki cannot.
May not matter for your roster until the bye weeks, but something to watch.
Cardinals: New Year, Same Kyler
Nice to see Marvin not be a Martian in the endzone.
Kyler still the same Kyler. Sometimes he does things that make you think he’s ready to take the next step. Sometimes he makes a throw that makes you wonder if he should be starting.
Buccaneers: Baker Dime
Baker Mayfield dropped a very nice touchdown dime to Emeka Egbuka, but the rest of the half was pretty meh.
The running game is non-existent against a not great Falcons rush defense.
Panthers vs. Jaguars: The Game We’d All Like to Forget
If you didn’t watch the first half of this game, congratulations — you made a healthy life decision. If you did? Sorry.
It was just as bad as you imagined. Maybe worse.
Saints: Go Marching Home, No Seriously, Go Home.
Copy/Paste about the Panthers/Jags about the Saints. Rattler ain’t it. At least Alvin Kamara is still pretty… pretty good. Finished the sandwich. Beer time.
