I stand alone and atop a pedestal, the raging, salty ocean of fantasy footballers seething below me. Formless and shapeless yet their psychic terror is expressed in the rage of a tweet sent into the ethereal server in a room of Somewhere, USA. Yet at the center, there is always me, tall with small pores and a magnetic smile — a cross between Brad Pitt and Jared Leto — holding the “Okayest Fantasy Footballer” award that has been bestowed upon me by the corporate sponsors of Feetballs dot com. I smile as I gaze upon the teeming masses, their faces angry and contorted from two straight years of disappointment from Christian McCaffrey and Saquon Barkley. I never drafted 1.01. I was never the bride, only the well-dressed wedding guest that — you guessed it — could eat 5 plates of buffet food and down 12 drinks without making a mess of myself. I’m everything you’ve ever hated. Come and get me. Take the trophy from my hands and declare yourself “Okayest Footballer” in your zip code. Your parents will write letters. Your neighbors will invite you over for brats. Other people you’ve never met on the internet will validate you. You are the champion. This is your destiny. Come, come and take it from me.
Motivated? Yeah, me neither. Let’s talk some random players who might help you not lose in the first round of the fantasy football playoffs.
Justin Fields: Have you been following NFL football recently? Did you know that Fields has 3 top 12 QB finishes out of his last 4 games? Sure, some of those games were 2 months ago. But last week, QB12 — I mean, Justin Fields — went off for 74 rushing yards against division rival Green Bay. OK, that don’t impress you? Fine. Fields faces off against the Vikings this week [pause for gasps]. You have seen the past two games for the Vikings, right? For the past two months, the Vikings games have smashed the over on 47 points game after game with many games passing the 60 point threshold. The Vikings have pass and rush defenses in the bottom third of the league, and Fields is available in 80% of leagues. Is he a risky play? Absolutely. Did you feel rewarded when you tried maple bacon on top of a donut the first time? Probably. If you’re in Lamar Jackson limbo, it’s time to find those golden Justin Fields.
James Robinson: Holy flavortown Batman! I’ve told you to sit the Jags’ players 2 weeks straight, haven’t I? Well, reports came out this week that Urban Meyer was physically kicking players and saying he had the right to do so. How long do we think Meyer remains coach? Who takes over if Meyer is out? Possibly Offensive Coordinator Darrell Bevell. Bevell led the Marshawn Lynch charge back in the day before the Seahawks entered RB limbo. There’s a world out there where Jax wants to make some money from their fans instead of getting dragged in the media, and in that world, James Robinson is getting the touches he deserves. Or, Meyer decides he wants to keep his job, and starts running J-Rob again instead of riding his wrath train. Keep an eye on the news — if Meyer is out or suddenly trying to make amends, we could see one of the top RBs in the league suddenly break a huge game that managers aren’t prepared for.
I covered the Jaguars back in the Coughlin days, lived in the city for over 30 years and did drive-time radio there for 7 years. I have never felt the venom like this aimed at a coach. The ship has sailed as far as the fans — just as season-ticket sales kick off next week.
— Pete Prisco (@PriscoCBS) December 15, 2021
Thursday Morning Update: I’m psychic. Ask me your questions about your love life.
— Ohtani Stan Account (@CoolwhipRB) December 16, 2021
Van Jefferson: 3 TDs in 3 games! What are the odds he pulls another TD this week? Pretty poor, actually. But the Rams are throwing a ton and Jefferson is available in 25% of leagues…which is all you can ask for at this point in the season. Add!
A.J. Green: You like patterns? Want to see an every-other-week pattern? It looks a lot like plaid. ENYWHEY. There’s really no empirical reason this pattern should exist — it’s correlation, not causation — and Green is available everywhere. Of course, we’re coming off an “on” week so by the rules of “I told you so,” Green should have an “off” week this week. Again, correlation, not causation. So if you’re bold, you’ve got your fill-in receiver for the playoffs.
I know this entry in the Primer series is filled with risky players, but if you’re reading this, you got into the playoffs. You don’t need me to tell you to start your studs — you already did that and got into the playoffs. But I’m here to coach you gently into that championship spot, and you’re not going to get there by starting Duke Johnson.
Thursday Night Football
Hallelujah we finally have a Thursday Night Football game worth watching! The Kansas City Chiefs face off against the San Diego Chargers in prime time, and everybody is healthy (so far at the time of writing fingers crossed…). That means: Mahomes, Herbert, Allen, Williams, Tyreek, Kelce, CEH, Ekeler…and whoever else you like. Start them all. Although the KC DEF has been rocking recently, the Over/Under on this game is 52.5, and it could be a wild one. Besides, our dearest Grey will be cheering for the Chargets…what could go wrong?
lets go chargets pic.twitter.com/w52tb7M1jJ
— Razzball (@Razzball) December 12, 2021