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I figured it out folks.  No more speculation, no more wondering, no clutching your head in agony as Drew Brees singlehandedly dismantled your teams’ chance of winning.  Well actually I can’t help you with that last one since it already happened.  What did I figure out you ask?  I figured out what happened in the Saints Rams game.

You see, the players for both teams were all hanging out before the game and someone suggested they wear costumes to make it more Halloweenish.  They contacted Roger Goodell and asked if they could run with the idea.  Not only was it turned down, but the person making the call was fined for not having their socks at the correct length while using a phone for official team business.  The players were disheartened.

Then someone spoke up.

“What if we just traded uniforms, then it would be like we were wearing costumes!”  Everyone thought it was a great idea, and before the media could arrive, the players had switched locker rooms.  I’ve heard this story from a trusted source, and frankly, I’d rather believe it than accept a world where the Rams hobblestomp the Saints.  Besides, I bet you never noticed how much Jed Collins looks just like Steven Jackson.

How Awesome I Am

Marques Colston 6.5:  See above.  All of Brandon Lloyd’s production was Colston in disguise.

Victor Cruz 19.4:  What impressed me the most about Cruz wasn’t the fact that he’s turned in four stellar performances in the last 5 games, it’s that he’s done it with Manningham producing alongside him.  That alone should be enough to silence all the critics who said his role would diminish once Super Mario returned.

Antonio Brown 17.2:  Along with Cruz, most of the teams at the top of the large tournaments had some combination of Brown, Cruz, or both.  I know mine did.

DeMarco Murray 7.7:  Jason Garrett must have been calling plays from a Chinese takeout menu because there’s no way he was looking at an actual playbook.  Murray had an excellent night bursting for 74 yards on eight carries, but the coaching staff developed a sudden allergy for competition, thus relegating DeMarco to obscurity in the second half.

Ryan Longwell 6:  This one sucked brass bells as I had Longwell on every one of my teams, and had he connected on his missed 45 yarder I would have collected a significantly larger portion of plunder.

Saints 12:  Pretty standard fare.  For the price, the defense performed exactly as I’d hoped they would.

Visante Shiancoe 5.2:  With AP running hog-wild on Carolina there was little room for any other member of the offense to produce.  I still like Shiancoe from here on out.

Delone Carter 5.7:  46 yards on nine carries is good production, but the Colts were behind early and forced into three and out passing situations.

Christian Ponder 13.84:  The young signal caller up north is quickly making a name for himself.  Accustomed to turnovers and poor decision making, Vikings fan are tickled pink (or whatever color they are, I’ve never tickled them) as Ponder has added just enough playmaking to compliment Adrian Peterson’s dominance.  As long as his price stays low, I like Ponder as a value buy from here moving forward.

Michael Crabtree 13.9:  Crabtree is quickly budding into a star and he’s done so by dropping the ego, and embracing roles Harbaugh has asked him to play.  As long as he can stay content, his value should remain relatively constant with a huge upside on any given week.

Torrey Smith 7.2:  He almost had a deep score that would have handsomely rewarded his buyers, but Flacco barely overthrew him.  As soon as these two develop rapport they could become an exciting one-two punch.

Brandon Pettigrew 2.3:  If you told me the final score of this game, and then that Pettigrew would finish with a lowly 2.3 I would have called you crazy.  But you didn’t tell me that, so I don’t have to apologize for calling you names.  I probably wouldn’t have apologized anyways.

Jake Ballard 7.5:  Solid production from what I’m beginning to refer to as the Honda Civic.  Not a flashy or big time producer, but efficient and maximizes the gas mileage Eli sends his way.  I’ll continue recommending him as a solid choice each week.

Ryan Torain 2.5:  I don’t even care that he sucked it up.  Shanahan finally got what was coming to him for screwing us all over for so many years.

John Beck 7.32:  Poor Beck didn’t have a chance.  The running game was ridiculous, Santana Moss was out, and the offensive line was clearly outmatched.

Maurice Morris 13:  A nice little payday if you chose to go the cheap route and snag him for your squad.  With Best coming back off the bye, Morris loses his value, but bear in mind that he’s injury prone so Maurice could be called back into duty at any moment.

Value Town

Carson Palmer $5900/Michael Bush $6500:  I know I know, Palmer had a pretty rough first day back at school against the Chiefs.  But given the circumstances, you would probably be crying for your mom to come back too.  I expect to see at least a serviceable Carson on the field Sunday, and for $5900 that’s all you’ll really need for it to be worth it.  Run DMC will take a week off against the lowly Broncos, which leaves the door wide open for George W. to plow through an inept Denver squad.  I’m looking for 12-15 points from the former leader of the free world.

Sam Bradford $6800/AJ Feeley $5500/Greg Salas $5000/Brandon Lloyd $7200/Steven Jackson $8100:  This is where you decide to never read my articles again.  I have five (actually four, depending on the quarterback that starts) Rams that I’m recommending this week.  Lloyd has proven that as long as someone throws him the ball, he’s good for 70 yards and a touchdown, while Salas has been coming on strong lately as an emerging PPR maven.  Hopefully Bradford will play, but if not Feeley is worth a look as the Cardinals secondary is garbage (spoken in a French accent.)

Jon Baldwin $4500/Jackie Battle $5700:  Baldwin is the very definition of value this week.  I’ll actually be writing a separate article on him (mainly what his value means) later so stay tuned.  For now, all you need to know is that Monday was the first significant playing time he received all year and he tore it up.  The fact that it came against a tough San Diego secondary only adds to the upside.  Battle is probably the least elusive feature back in the NFL, but he’s miles beyond any other option the Chiefs have.  As long as he continues to get 15-20 touches a game he’ll hold value at his low price tag.  If you need to squeeze 10 points out of your RB2 spot for cheap Battle is the way to go.

Mike Tolbert $6900/Curtis Brinkley $4500:  With Ryan Mathews out with an amputated leg, one of these two (or both) are going to receive a significant workload.  Brinkley looked damn fine against Kansas City, but he’s questionable with a concussion so we’ll have to wait until later in the week for his status.  If Tolbert starts, he’ll probably get 20-25 touches making him a very attractive option, as his value is always tied to how hard the Chargers ride him.

Darren Sproles $7400/Marques Colston $7000:  After forgetting they were playing football, I fully expect the Saints to take last week personally and come out swinging.  Tampa Bay took them out in their last meeting making this even more important as a potentially deciding divisional game.  Sproles is continually undervalued each week for what he can produce, and Colston still hasn’t reached the price tag I believe he’ll settle at due to the injury problems from earlier in the year.

Knowshon Moreno $6400/Demaryius Thomas $4900/Eric Decker $5900:  Like the Rams, I’m a little weary to recommend so many Broncos, but value is value.  The Lions were destined to give the Tebow led Broncos a Spanish Inquisition last weekend, but luckily the road is much easier against a DMC and Campbell-less Raiders squad who have struggled mightily to stop anyone on defense.  Of note also is the fact that McGahee is most likely out, giving Moreno a solid boost in value with 15-20 touches looking pretty likely.

Vernon Davis $6000/Michael Crabtree $5900:  It’s hard to recommend Davis at this point, being that he’s mostly a glorified lineman this season, but that price tag is joke when compared to the upside of 15-20 points he could easily produce any given Sunday.  I talked about Crabtree above and believe he continues to do damage for the surging 49ers.

Mario Manningham $6400/Victor Cruz $6400/:  Boosting both of these players’ value is the fact that Hakeem Nicks and Ahmad Bradshaw are both banged up, and Brandon Jacobs is too busy racing cars on his Matchbox track at home to pay attention to football.  I expect Eli and company to go hog-wild on the Patriots joke of a secondary.

Note: Bradshaw is now out indefinitely with a broken foot.

Julio Jones $6100:  Indy has had trouble with big, physical receivers all season long and I believe Jones will come out firing on all cylinders.  Just a look at what Marques Colston did to the Colts a few weeks back is enough to see that the potential for a HUGE game is there.

LaGarette Blount $6400:  Blount returned to practice fully this week, and after seeing what Steven Jackson did to New Orleans you can bet that Tampa’s game plan will be run first, ask questions (throw) later.  I see 12-18 points here.

Greg Little $5400:  This dude is getting a ridiculous amount of targets each game, Colt McNoodleArm has just been unable to deliver them in a timely fashion.  One of these weeks he’s bound to break loose, and until then I’ll stubbornly continue recommending him.

Ryan Succop $5000/Dan Bailey $5200:  I refuse to discuss kicker strategy.  If you have a question, leave it below so I can publicly berate you.

Pittsburgh Steelers $5000:  They’ve gotten better each week, have an excellent coaching staff, the Ravens have been exposed to be a turnover prone team, and most of all, are pissed off at the week one beatdown they suffered.  Recipe for a delicious entrée?  Not so much.  Recipe for a potential 20 point defensive explosion?  Yep.

Here’s hoping everyone stole lots of candy from their kids’ trick-or-treat bag.  Until next week, Seacrest out.

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  1. Josh says:
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    WHAT? NO LOVE FOR SEACOW?

  2. Toby V says:
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    Fanduel is starting to mess with my head. Just when I think I’ve got it all figured out I end up with a bunch of guys not doin shit. At least Rogers is back. There’s one easy decision.

  3. Crazy Gabey says:
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    Josh: No love for Seacow :'(

    Toby V: For sure, Rodgers is always a 20-30 point lock!

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