What’s up you sophisticated sex machines? Feeling the pressure of injuries? Has ineffectiveness spread beyond your work day to your fantasy team? Not enough ineffectiveness at work (you overachieving bastard)? Never fear, as I am here for your stream options whenever you find yourself up the proverbial creek sans paddle. They might not be the prettiest options, but we all know you’ve gone hogging before in college so stop acting like you are above scraping the bottom of the barrel. As always, I use Yahoo ownerships and target players at the main streaming positions that are owned in 65% of leagues or less. QBs, tight ends, defenses! Oh yeah, kickers too! Who could forget those guys?Let’s go Snoop-a-loop, bring your green hat! WE’RE GOING STREAMING!!!
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Andy Dalton – I know, he’s got such a punchable ginger face. But I’m going bold… the Bengals score a touchdown. Maybe the drugs have finally kicked in, maybe I just think that there’s no way they go three games without hitting paydirt. They have to show something works. Now, I’d feel better if Tyler Eifert goes. As of this writing, he was out of practice on Wednesday. But there’s other positives in the Dalton column. A gamescript featuring an angry Aaron Rodgers in Lambeau, so the pressure to score points won’t just be internal for the Bengals – they’ll feel it on the scoreboard too. Injuries in the Green Bay defense – Mike Daniels, Jake Ryan, Nick Perry, Davon House, and Kentrell Brice all missed practice on Wednesday. And for all the uncertainty in the Bengal backfield, the two best (Mixon and Bernard) are plus pass catchers.
Alex Smith – Well we knew that he had to come down from that Week 1 showing. 250 and a TD last week from Alex is a pretty average Smith stat line. I think he can split the difference between his two showings so far and go 300 with 2 TDs. Jason Verrett could possibly miss this week and Smith has posted decent numbers against the Chargers before with worse weapons. The other interesting thing to keep an eye on with Smith is his rushing. He posted 20 yards rushing last week, something he did only twice all of last year. One of those games was against these Chargers and even though Smith is 33, he’s shown ability to add points with his legs. Just go back to 2015 when he rushed for almost 500 yards. It’s not numbers like Taylor, Watson, or Kizer could post with their legs. But I believe he can add more with his arm and those extra couple of points could put him in the streaming conversation.
Ed Dickson – Yes, the name jokes are really easy to make here. But I’m going to take an even easier road and dogpile on the Saints defense. Or is the Saints defense the dog pile? I get confused easily. Dickson came out and told coaches not to change the playbook at all, that he can do everything that Greg Olsen can. Whether or not that’s true will remain to be seen, but I think at least for a one week band-aid while Austin Sefarin-Jenkins gets back in shape or Evan Engram shakes off the concussion, I think you could do worse.
Zach Miller – The Bears could be in for another long week with the Steelers coming to town. While Pittsburgh only brought Case Keenum down twice on Sunday, they were all over him like a bum on a bologna sandwich and they sit tied with the Chiefs for second in the NFL with 9 sacks through two contests. Tampa was only able to notch one sack, and there’s talk that the Bears might get Kyle Long back this week, but that ball will still need to come out quick as I think Mike Glennon will be harassed all day. And who else is he going to throw to? Kendall Wright? Josh Bellamy? Deonte Thompson? Insert the crying laughing emojis after that thought and insert Miller in your lineups.
Buffalo DST – I know everyone (myslef included) has been publicly fellating Trevor Siemien. But here’s the facts. Neither of his two “great” starts has he thrown over 250 yards. The Bills harassed Cam Newton last week. And while we talked about the Panthers a bit in the Dickson blurb, I think certain credit needs to be given to the Bills defense as it wasn’t all Carolina crumbling. The name Jordan Poyer (a preaseason favorite of mine) became a known name as he was making a ton of plays as the Panthers tried to avoid Micah Hyde. The pass rush looked good, though we will want to keep tabs on Marcell Dareus’s ankle and Shaq Lawson’s nerve contusion. But even still, Lorenzo Alexander looked good. Preston Brown rebounded from a bad tackle showing in Week 1 to post 7 last week. While everyone is fawning over the Broncos, I’m looking to get ahead of a potential letdown game heading off their home turf into a rowdy Buffalo environment.
Tampa Bay DST – They’re going to make this article every week until they get above 50%. This week, they get the probably Sam Bradford-less Vikings. The right side of the offensive line for the Vikings is a real problem, and the Bucs should post multiple sacks this week. Add them or expect to see them back here next week.
Miami DST – #BecauseJets
Cody Parkey – #BecauseJetsPart2. But seriously, the Dolphins could look even better this week after knocking off a little rust from their Week 1 bye. Parkey was widely available due to Miami’s Week 1 situation. That’s like holy trinity for making this spot in the article. Laces out though, Matt Haack.