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I always thought AI stood for artificial intelligence, especially with my background in engineering. Little did I know that it shared its abbreviation with the deliberate introduction of sperm into a female’s uterus or clitoris for the purpose of achieving a pregnancy. I think that is the procedure they are currently performing on both Jay Cutler and Tony Romo. The facts are a little fuzzy, but that sounds about right. I believe Marcus Semien and Trevor Siemian are the donors, but it could also be Danny Woodhead, Wendell Smallwood or even Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. To be honest, however, I don’t think anyone cares. On the other hand, what they might care about is the following list of jabronies. I think if you tried setting your lineup as such, the web app might just reject it on principle. Let’s take a closer look.

QB: Trevor Siemian (28.98, 6)
RB: Darren Sproles (21.70, 39)
RB: Wendell Smallwood (13.9, 2)
WR: Terrelle Pryor Sr. (27.9, 23)
WR: Tavon Austin (18.9, 70)
WR: Jamison Crowder (15.8, 16)
TE: Zach Miller (23.8, 40)
FL: Cameron Brate (19.1, 2)
K: Dustin Hopkins (19, 5)
DST: Buffalo (22, 38)

Trevor Siemian – According to Wikipedia, “The simians (infraorder Simiiformes, Anthropoidea) are the higher primates: the Old World monkeys and apes, including humans (together being the catarrhines), and the New World monkeys or platyrrhines.” Yes, I realize the spelling isn’t quite the same, but it’s close enough, right? Aren’t we all simians? Siemian the simian. Or is is sapien? Homo, that is. That’s Yoda style. Trevor Siemian led all quarterbacks in fantasy points this week. The only QB less owned than Siemian in this week’s top 14 quarterbacks (based on points), is Brian Hoyer (one percent owned). Siemian threw for 312 yards and 4 touchdowns. Coming into this game he only had one passing touchdown. Even though he’s thrown for 139 more yards than Aaron Rodgers, I’m not rushing out to grab this higher order primate.

Darren Sproles – This might be a first for this series. I have selected a running back that had negative yards. On two carries, Sproles managed -1 yards. Why is negative one yards plural and positive one yard singular? That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in him, or me for that matter for choosing him. What landed him in this week’s lineup was his pass catching skills. Darren reeled in 6 catches for 128 yards and a touchdown. Said touchdown also happened to be a 73-yard play. Gotta love the big play to skew a player’s stats. The only time I like big plays is when they happen to me. Otherwise they are just plain obnoxious (and misleading). Although, aside from losing the all important touchdown, ignoring the big play Sproles would still have had 5 catches for 55 yards. That’s 8 points in half point PPR leagues. That’s more than Matt Forte (7.40), Giovani Bernard (6.90) and DeAngelo Williams (6.40) scored this week. The only way I am giving Sproles any consideration is if Ryan Mathews is out. Otherwise I just can’t trust him to get enough touches.

Wendell Smallwood – I’ve got wood! It’s small, but it works. Two Eagles running backs in the same lineup? If Ryan Mathews is going to miss time, my pick is Smallwood to take over on early downs. This week he led the team in carries with 17, rushing for 79 yards and a score. However, considering he had only 3 carries for 17 yards in the first two games, we haven’t much to go on. And then throw Kenjon Barner in the mix and, even without Mathews, you still have three guys to share the load. Does that mean Smallwood has a small load?

Terrelle Pryor Sr. – This guy would be a lot funnier if his name was Richard Pryor Jr., but he probably wouldn’t be that useful in fantasy football. While I’m on the subject of Richard Pryor, I’d like to give a shout out, or perhaps moment of silence, to Gene Wilder. These two teamed up several times and were quite the comedy duo. RIP Mr. Wilder. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s discuss Terrelle, or as Hillary Clinton calls him “Super Predator Pryor”. Pryor saw 14 targets this week. Only Antonio Brown had more (18). He caught 8 of those balls thrown his way for 144 yards, but couldn’t manage a touchdown. He’s averaging 10 targets and almost 5 receptions per game. Still no scores, but I have a feeling one’s coming. I’d certainly roster Terrelle if I had a spot. Otherwise someone else in your league is going to pick him up.

Tavon Austin – Here’s another guy that is averaging 10 targets and nearly 5 catches per game. This week he caught 5 passes for 82 yards and a touchdown. If you want higher ceiling, I’d go Pryor. If you want higher floor I’d go Austin.

Jamison Crowder – By now you have probably read multiple articles this week telling you to pickup Crowder. Well here’s one more. This week he had 4 receptions for 78 yards and a trip to the end zone. One the season he has 7 red zone targets. While a few others are tied with 7, only Emmanuel Sanders (8) and Jordy Nelson (9) have more. It doesn’t hurt that his quarterback, Kirk Cousins, is second in the league in passing yards and fourth in passing attempts. Bartender, shot of Jamison please!

Zach Miller – It was Miller time last week in Chicago when Zach caught 8 of 9 targets for 78 yards and 2 touchdowns. Hard not to get a least a little excited (small wood) about those numbers, but I wouldn’t put too much stock into them. His first two games were pretty sh!tty. Hey, that rhymes! Perhaps Brian Hoyer and he have a connection, but I’m not really buying. Although I kinda like Miller this week against the Lions who have given up 179 yards and a league high 4 touchdowns to opposing tight ends.

Cameron Brate – He managed to haul in two touchdowns. This blind squirrel found two nuts. Maybe they were used during the insemination process. End of story.

In case you didn’t get a chance to add up the points, this lineup combined for 211 points. Check your league and see if any teams would have outscored these guys. Without looking I’m feeling pretty confident that the answer is no.

Here are my picks for next week:

QB: Brian Hoyer
RB: Jordan Howard, Orleans Darkwa and Dwayne Washington
WR: Michael Thomas and Anquan Boldin
TE: Kyle Rudolph and Zach Miller

 

 

Follow me on Twitter at @malamoney.

  1. paul says:
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    How much should i pay for Josh Gordon. Have Bell and Tampa RBs. Would you trade Hill and Pitta to get Josh Gordon and Dwayne Washington?

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @paul: Do you mean how much of a FAAB? Or players to give up in a trade? I would make that trade. Hill is an upgrade from Washington, but Gordon is a bigger upgrade from Pitta (yes I realize different positions). I really like Pitta, but he can be replaced. If Gordon is Gordon, he cannot be so easily replaced…

  2. Chris says:
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    Hello malamoney,

    Would appreciate your thoughts on this trade:

    Give: TJ Yeldon and Fuller
    Received: Jeremy Maclin

    My team is:
    QB: Big Ben
    RB: Elliot, Blount, Latavius Murray, Yeldon
    WR: Cooks, Hilton, Fitzgerald, Sanu, Parket, Fuller
    TE: Rudolph, Ertz
    K: Crosby
    Def: Washington (always streaming)

    Thanks for your comments.

    Also, for my flex this week: Murray @ BAL, or Parker @ Cin

    Thanks!

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @Chris: What up Chris. I’d make that deal. I’m not strong on Yeldon and Maclin is a big upgrade over Fuller. Elliot, Blount and Murray are enough to hold down the fort. The only issue I see is that you are going to have a starter quality WR sitting on your bench since Cooks, Hilton, Fitzgerald and Maclin are all starters. You might want to see if you could pull off something like Yeldon and Fitzgerald for a top tier WR. But if not, this is still a good deal for you…

  3. MP says:
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    Would you rather have:
    A) Luck and McKinnon
    B) Carr and Christine Michael

    Current Team 12-team Half PPR

    QB: Cam
    WR: Odell
    WR: Allen Robinson
    WR: Pryor
    HB: Bell
    HB: Foster
    TE: Rudolph
    K: Gostkowski
    D: ARI

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @MP: What up MP. I’d rather have Luck and McKinnon. Not sure how that factors into the team you’ve listed though because I’d rather have Cam than Luck or Carr…

      • MJP says:
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        @malamoney:

        Thanks! I agree – but given current starters, what would be the best addition?

        • malamoney

          malamoney says:
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          @MJP: Luck

  4. Packers says:
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    Smallwood over Morris and C. West? 2 separate leagues. Thanks

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @Packers: Only if Mathews is out. ROS I probably want Morris over Smallwood and Smallwood over West. Even with Charles out West didn’t do much…

  5. friar says:
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    I’m looking for some waiver wire/roster construction advice in a 10-team 0.5 ppr league.

    Current roster (start QB / 2RB / 2 WR / TE / Flex):
    QB: Cousins (though I’ve been streaming)
    RB: Miller, Gio, Washington, Charles, Lewis, K Dixon
    WR: Kelvin, Landry, Maclin, Diggs*, Wallace
    TE: Gronk
    (*just traded McKinnon for Diggs, trade is technically still pending)

    A 10-team league is pretty shallow, so there’s lot’s of talent on the waiver wire. I’d love your advice on if I should pick up any of the following players (and, if so, who to drop).
    – Duke Johnson (Crowell might be hurt?)
    – Darkwa
    – Rainey (is he the new Vereen?)
    – Crowder
    – Beasley
    – Enunwa
    – D Walker (might be worth grabbing in case Gronk isn’t actually fully healed)
    – Eifert (investment as future trade bait, or potential Gronk injury insurance)
    – Eagles D (they’ve looked great! but is it worth-stashing-over-the-bye great?)

    My general thought is that I don’t need a WR as I have 4 startable options and can play the matchups (though that might change if my Diggs trade doesn’t go through). I’d normally grab a RB here, but am sorely tempted by the quality of TE available, even though I already have Gronk. Thoughts?

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @friar: I’d probably grab Crowder over Wallace. Is that Delanie Walker? I’d grab him over Wallace too…

      • friar says:
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        @malamoney: Yeah, that’s Delanie Walker. Would you take him over Crowder? Thanks!

        Also, is your recommendation of Walker over Eifert there due to his immediate serviceability (if Gronk is hurt), concerns about Eifert’s injury lingering, or just a straight-up prediction that Walker is the better TE this year?

        • malamoney

          malamoney says:
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          @friar: There are a lot of variables. If he’s healthy and Gronk is not playing then yes I’d take him over Crowder. If Gronk is back, then it’s 50/50. Because Crowder will be a bench player for you. Walker would provide a solid bye week fill-in for Gronk. I’d probably go with a healthy Walker since Beasley and Enunwa are also available if Crowder is grabbed.

          I prefer Walker because I am skeptical about Eifert this season due to injury concerns. If 100% percent healthy, then I go Eifert over Walker…

          • friar says:
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            @malamoney: Thanks for all the great analysis! Would you consider dropping Dixon as well as Wallace to snag both Walker and Crowder, or should I hold onto the RB lottery ticket? I have several RBs that could eventually be great, but aren’t yet playable…but I’m not sure if that’s an argument to keep them all since I have so few sure things, or to swap one or two out for more reliable assets.

            • malamoney

              malamoney says:
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              @friar: An RB lotto ticket is better than a lotto ticket at any other position…

  6. In a Pickle says:
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    Rank these week 4 and ROS in1/2 PPR league: Dw Washington, Cam Art-Payne, Yeldon. Thanks!

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @In a Pickle: Washington, Yeldon and Cap…

  7. DT says:
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    12 team ppr league…

    McCoy for L. Murray and T Coleman?

    Fair trade? losing McCoy hurts but I lost Abdullah, Vereen, and k. allen to injuries already. need some depth

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @DT: I’d probably hold onto McCoy. Although it’s not a bad deal…

  8. Rbbc says:
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    12 team ppr
    Should I pickup corey coleman or k.dixon to stash. Guys im willing to drop are yeldon and foster. My team is pretty good with my starters to hold onto these guys until they are healthy.

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @Rbbc: Obviously when healthy, Foster is the best back in this list. But when is he healthy. I don’t trust him at all. Dixon is on the verge of returning. Not sure what we’ll get yet. I’m probably still holding Foster, but Dixon will not stay on the waiver wire as he will be picked up. It’s tough. I want to say stash Dixon over Yeldon, but Yeldon is actually playing. If you can call it playing. I think once Bortles breaks out of his funk the RB’s will benefit. I wouldn’t be against dumping Yeldon to grab Dixon…

  9. David says:
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    David Johnson, golden Tate for John brown, devanta Freeman, Crowell

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @David: I’d want the David Johnson side…

  10. TTRA1N says:
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    Need help. Offered Mike Evans for my CJA. Idk what to do? Should I ride CJA since RB position is so shallow? Should I be worried about CJAs lack usage against the Bengals? Team below.

    12 Team 2QB PPR 6pt Pass TD 6BN League
    QB R.Wilson
    RB D.Johnson
    RB C.J. Anderson
    WR B.Cooks
    WR D.Parker (RIP)K.Allen
    TE G.Olsen
    FLEX C.Mike
    QB/FLEX M.Mariota
    D/ST Chiefs
    K D.Hopkins
    BENCH I.Crowell, K.White, M.Floyd, C.Wentz, D.Washington, M.Thomas
    IR K.Dixon

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @TTRA1N: I’d want CJA over Evans here. With Johnson, Michael and CJA, you have three solid RBs. Evans would be a nice add, but you are fine at WR. Ride it out. Plus Thomas should get a nice bump with Snead out…

  11. Joe Keogh says:
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    “into her clitoris”….HUH?!

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @Joe Keogh: So says Wikipedia. I couldn’t make that shit up!

  12. Dingo the Fleecer says:
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    Looking for some trade advice, my team is below. 12 team league, .5 PPR. I already lost Keenan Allen and Woodhead. I have an offer to get Hill and Maclin, for Gordon and Dwayne Washington. Thoughts? Clearly I lack solid RB depth and Gordon has risk, but curious if you think I should wait and see with him? Would you do this trade?

    Brees
    Latavious
    Gore
    AJ green
    AROB
    Tamme
    Marvin Jones
    Panthers D

    Gordon
    Moncrief
    Ertz
    Deandre Washington
    Dwayne Washington
    MCCluster
    Smallwood

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @Dingo the Fleecer: I’d hold. Rather have Gordon here. Maclin is solid, but you already have Green, Robinson and Jones. So Maclin could actually be on your bench. I want Gordon over Hill. Just to be sure, you mean Melvin Gordon, not Josh, right?

      • Dingo the Fleecer says:
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        @malamoney: Thanks and my bad for not clarifying. I meant JOSH Gordon, not Melvin. So clearly I’m fairly thin at RB. Does that change your assessment?

        • malamoney

          malamoney says:
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          @Dingo the Fleecer: I’d probably make that deal. No idea what to expect out of Gordon. Can’t imagine it’s leagues better than what you can get from Maclin. I’d rather have Hill than Washington. Fair deal, but you are taking a risk. If you only start two RB and neither Murray, Gore or Washington have the same bye week, then you are ok. Thin, but ok. Barring injury. Hill would sure you up at RB…

          • Dingo the Fleecer says:
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            @malamoney: Pretty incredible, all 3 RBS (gore, murray, washington) have week 10 byes. uh oh

  13. Bull in a Chinese Restaurant says:
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    did you really rip on romo for having a near-crippled level back that he intends to play through? pretty sure he’s the opposite of a “pussy” in regards to playing with pain, to the point where it’ll probably f’up his entire post-football life. cutler obviously has a well know history of being exactly what you are accusing him of.

    • malamoney

      malamoney says:
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      @Bull in a Chinese Restaurant: Do you really think Romo is going to play? Let’s say he does, do you think he makes it through an entire game? The dude is made of glass. Are you a Cowboys fan?

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