So there we have it, one week in the books and I already hate all but one of my fantasy teams. I mean I have eight, one would think I should at least like two, maybe even three, but noooooooooo… I like one. Is it me or is Fantasy Football the most frustrating thing in the world? All it takes is one week and you realize your team is awful, all your sleepers are overhyped busts, and the guys you avoided are all-pros. Two bench players and one of your first five picks is done for the season. Your quarterback looks like he couldn’t make the Montreal Alouettes, all of your running backs are on the losing end of their respective committees, and the season just started. Fantasy Football is like dating the Natasha Henstridge’s character in Species. She’s beautiful, she knows her way around for a good time, and is eager to mate. This is what I like to call the honeymoon phase following the draft. Then you find out she’s trying to mate so she can produce offspring to kill off the human race, and will probably puncture your skull with her tongue as soon as she has a chance. So let’s call the “Puncture Your Skull With Her Tongue” phase Week 1. Mostly because that’s how it feels, but also because “Puncture Your Skull With Her Tongue” phase is a mouthful and Week 1 is just much shorter. So what can we do but hang our heads in shame and head to the wire to seek out suitable replacements? Here’s some of the claims I’m placing to save my fleet of sinking ships…
Marcus Mariota (Y 46% owned – Espn 35.8%) – Jameis who? It’s been one week and every reactionary fantasy pert worth his weight in Reese’s Pieces is ready to end the fight and hand the decision to Marriota and the Titans. I have to say I really want to. I’m not a Jameis guy and I always thought Marriota had the acumen and work ethic to do what was needed to excel (or at least be useable) at the next level. Well after throwing for 4 TD’s and looking miles better than Winston on the opposing side I’m suggesting a speculative buy. With a Browns defense that made the Jets look like the 2007 Patriots coming up next. Marriota could be an excellent start in deeper leagues and dailies.
David Johnson (Y 21% Espn 37.1%) – I can’t tell you that Johnson will be the starting RB against the Bears this week, or that he will be handling the majority of the carries for the Cards. I can’t tell you if he’ll even see the field for more than 10 snaps. Because Bruce Arians is stupid and thinks it’s “unhealthy” to throw rookies into prominent roles. I guess Bruce doesn’t care that in his single touch he took the ball to the house for the game sealing touchdown, or that he was their best back in the preseason. He also doesn’t care that Chris Johnson is awful and his only other option with starter Andre Ellington on the shelf for three weeks with a PCL injury. All Bruce Arias cares about is wearing a stupid hat and even stupider hipster glasses. Bruce Arais is an asshole, but even assholes figure it out. Eventually… Let’s just hold out hope it only takes a few snaps for old Brucey boy to figure it out. Pickup Johnson if he’s available. He’s only owned in about 21% of Yahoo leagues at the moment.
Tyrod Taylor (Y 10% Espn 12.1%) – I think Tehol calls him the Tygod or the Rodfather or the Based God of Buffalo, or something like that. But I got to be honest, Tyrod looked excellent. If the game hadn’t been sealed in the first quarter he might have been in for a huge fantasy day. This week he faces a New England defense that allowed 464 total yards to Pittsburgh and looked very susceptible to the big play in both the passing and running game. (Remember I’m a Patriots honk and I’m writing this.) But the Rodfather could be in for a huge week. Many will tell you to stay away based on some cliche about Bill Belichick defenses against a first year starter, but that’s just a fancy way of saying I’m scared to make a bold statement. We here at Razzball like bold. We only eat bullseye BBQ sauce and all really appreciate Donald Trump for his honest candor. We’re so bold we believe shirts are optional and if we do wear shirts they must have bold bright colors. Hell, sometimes we eat Bullseye BBQ sauce while wearing boldly colored Donald Trump brand shirts, but that’s only for lunches following a hardcore Macy’s shopping trip. We also do things like predict Bills victories over the Pats in week 2 and 20 point scoring days for Tyrod Taylor.
Danny Woodhead (Y 50% Espn 68.4%) – I’m in love with the Woodhead, I’m not ashamed to admit it. The man is a miniature God and should be celebrated in the pantheon of great short athletes. Seriously, a lot of high schools have running backs on their freshman team bigger than Woodhead. Doesn’t matter when you have the Belichick/Patriots magic dust. Woodhead has a whole satchel of that magic dust and he took it to Sam Diego, or Whale’s Vagina as I call it. When healthy all this kid does is catch footballs and score touchdowns. He saw one less touch than first round pick Melvin Gordon, and received the bulk of the redzone work. What else do you need to know? Woodhead could be a PPR stalwart going forward. If you’re playing in that format and you’re looking for a flex play or a little (literally) bench depth, Woodhead is your man.
Donte Moncrief (Yahoo 12% Espn 31%) – It looks as though T.Y. Hilton should be a go for Monday night, but if something changes over the next few days and Hilton has a setback, Moncrief could be in for a big night. When Hilton went down with a knee bruise on Sunday, his mom immediately grabbed him an ice pack and blew on his boo-boo. While in the actual game Moncrief not Andre Johnson was the one picking up the slack. Moncrief and his serious big play ability are an intriguing option for as long as Hilton is out. Problem is there’s a catch. There’s always a catch right? He faces Darrell Revis and the Jets D on Monday. So the matchup could be tricky. The best part of this whole Hilton story is the fact that Captain Space Cadet, otherwise known as Colts owner Jim Irsay, came out and said that he expected Hilton to miss a few weeks. Which in turn led to the team releasing a far more ambiguous statement saying that he was day to day and potentially available for Monday. Do people wonder why the Colts always underachieve? It’s called organizational incompetence. Or maybe that’s the name of Irsay’s party boat, I’m confused.