Seriously, for those of you who missed it, I spent the entire game trying to formulate ways on filing a restraining order against Jon Gruden on behalf of Carson Wentz. For those of you there… maaan, Gruden gonna be baitin’ hard to Wentz’s game tape from last night, am I right? I’m not even sure how Wentz garnered so much heaping attention and praise from such a mediocre line against such a mediocre team, but there Gruden was, acting like I’m pretty sure how all Eagles fans will be today: over compensating how good Wentz and this team is after destroying what are essentially two FCS schools in the last two weeks. Now, that’s not to say that starting 2-0 doesn’t deserve some praise, especially with the aforementioned rookie quarterback (who had the noteworthy triple-coverage pass shown above) leading the way, but maybe we should wait on waxing poetic until after they beat a team not named the Titans and Bears. Oh, and speaking of the Bears… wow. 1-7 at home last season, and now another disturbingly flat performance in their home opener, not to mention them perpetuating the continual trend of making me suffer through every f*cking Monday Night Football game. I could have fallen asleep and missed nothing…
Trey Burton – 5 REC, 49 YDS, 9.8 AVG, 1 TD. Trey Burton had three catches in his career before last night. I’m serious.
Jay Cutler – 12/17, 157 YDS, 9.2 AVG, 1 INT, 74.9 RTG and 1 FUM. Cutler had a fumble and interception, only needing a safety for the hat trick. But, instead, he injured his right hand. Not unlike myself back when I was in high school.
Dorial Green-Beckham – 2 REC, 18 YDS, 9.0 AVG. New Eagles receivers, same as the old Eagles receivers…
Jordan Howard – 3 CAR, 22 YDS, 7.3 AVG and 2 REC, 9 YDS, 4.5 AVG. Howard, when he got the ball, reminded me of Jeremy Langford, except, you know, good.
Brian Hoyer – 9/12, 78 YDS, 6.5 AVG, 91.7 RTG. THIS BRIAN HOYER, I CALL HIM ODIE BECAUSE HE’S NOT TALENTED AND IS PRETTY DUMB, BUT YOU LIKE HIM COMPARED TO THAT SARCASTIC LOOKING CATLET.
Jeremy Langford – 11 CAR, 28 YDS, 2.5 AVG, 1 TD, 1 FUM and 1 REC, 6 YDS. Left side of the line can’t run-block, right side can’t pass-block. Seems. About. Right.
Jordan Matthews – 6 REC, 71 YDS, 11.8 AVG. JORDAN MATTHEWS IN MIDSEASON FORM FOLKS.
Eddie Royal – 4 REC, 52 YDS, 13.0 AVG. I should have planned ahead and got wasted early. Mildly buzzed is no way to watch the Bears…
Carson Wentz – 21/34, 190 YDS, 5.6 AVG, 1 TD, 86.6 RTG and 6 CAR, 10 YDS. I hope Wentz stays healthy, because if he gets injured, I won’t be able to keep myself from making a “He Wentz to the hospital” pun and then I’ll feel like the horrible person I truly am deep inside. Also, why are so many quarterbacks named Carson? Discuss…
