Ray Lewis, Ray Rice

The Ray’s gonna Ray, amiright?

Razzball is usually known for humorous, pun-filled titles that tickle you in all the right places. And at first glance, you may have gone “Jay, where’s the funny brah?”, so I should state for the record that the title actually is a joke. Announced by the league yesterday afternoon, Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice has been suspended for the first two games of the 2014 season for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy following his off-season arrest for domestic violence (from Rice’s altercation with then-fiancée Janay Palmer at an Atlantic City hotel in February, full story here). When the news broke on this in February, I had some thoughts on the matter, and since I try to use my brain at least a few times a day (no promises), I have even more thoughts following yesterday’s news. ALL THE THOUGHTS.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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NFL: Tennessee Titans-OTA

“Could somebody hold one of my balls?”

Last season, Kendall Wright had 94 receptions for 1,079 yards with 2 touchdowns. Yes, you read that correctly. Just two. That is not Kendall Wright, rather, it’s Kendall Wrong. Bold pun strategy there, I know. Simply magical. Now that I got that out of my system, you should know there are quite a few reasons why Wright is underrated. He’s a 5’10″ receiver, which translates into a smaller target in terms of the red zone, and his yards after the catch potential has been limited. Add in the fact that the Titan’s quarterback position is questionable, on the surface, you have a  guy that only has 6 career touchdowns spanning 26 games with a mediocre supporting cast. Yes, even after telling you all of that, you still need to buy. Why, may you ask? And you probably should, seeing as how I specifically tailored the rest of this post based on that assumption. Then again, I’m basically having a conversation with myself pretending that you are asking me something when the lack of time-travel and telepathy specifically does not allow this…

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Now that Jay has paved the way on the offensive side of the ball, it’s time for me to pull my weight with the 2014 Razzball IDP Rankings. As always I’m starting up front with the big boys. For the second year in a row, J.J. Watt is the class of the position, but he has some company at the top this year. Robert Quinn and Chandler Jones are both coming off breakouts in 2013, and they should be able to challenge Watt for the DL crown if things break right.

After that, things get complicated. There are a number of big names who are looking for a bounce-back after a subpar 2013, in addition to a group of prospects who look primed for the big time. If you can’t land one of the top three, then it’s really a matter of preference. I tend to lean towards DEs who rack up a lot of tackles as opposed to DTs or big-play DEs, but there is no one way to handle your DL lineup slots. My ideal situation is grabbing a Tier 1 or 2 tackler and a Tier 3 sack threat as my starters, with a high-upside youngster to complement them. That strategy gave me Olivier Vernon on multiple rosters last year, and I think of guys like Damontre Moore and Star Lotuleli in that role this year.

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460x

Pfft, what is that? Just a four-pack? I got a six-pack son, and mine are drinkable. ADVANTAGE ME.

There’s a whole lotta talking going on about Tre Mason and his eventual coup against Zac Stacy. While this tandem has held some of the pre-season fantasy football spotlight since the NFL draft, I think we should be more concerned about a coup in St. Louis. What are the global economic ramifications here from this shift in power? And will this historic event cause an intrinsic shift in the geopolitical system that St. Louis is not at all part of? What about the Ozarks in general? Are they no longer going to be highlands full of abandoned El Caminos? I have no idea, but I will say that Zac Stacy’s impending doom seems to be blown way out of proportion lately. But not by me. Totally not. I mean, there are an average of 258 coup’s a minute. (Note: I’m not good with numbers.)

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fantasy252bfootball_dcd6f8_902752

What this picture presupposes is, maybe it should be?

Welcome to the first installment of our Draft Strategy series. This journey will help prepare you for Draft day, and will likely also be filled with an assortment of snacks ranging from TWIX® candy bars and FUNYUNS®, basically what I like to call breakfast. And don’t tell me why they’re written all in caps. That’s their official “name”, so I can only assume that we are meant to shout it out every time, which, now that I think of it, seems totally natural. Q: “What are you hungry for?” A: “TWIX MOTHER F*CKER!” See what I mean? Regardless, this opening salvo of strategic knowledge (everything sounds better when weaponized) is focused for those of you who have no idea what fantasy football is or what it does. A Beginners Guide to Fantasy Football, if you will. And listen, don’t be afraid of being the noob, that’s not a derogatory title for me. It can be derogatory, but for those who do use it as a negative descriptor, just remember, they were noobs once too. We all have to start somewhere, and yes, that means you. Which is probably your mom’s basement. And if that’s the case, you’ve completed half the journey, some would say.

So, you want to play fantasy football? Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!

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I hath arrived, my children! Wait, where are the doves? I told you I wanted to come back to the releasing of doves like I was on a John Woo set, Jay, and all I see are bread crumbs and a bunch of pigeons. I get it, we’re a little more low budget here than the Razzball Baseball side of things but it’s bad enough you couldn’t take the brown M&M’s out of the bowl before taking them to my trailer. And speaking of trailer, where did this rust bucket come from? Like, did you buy this off some yokel from West Virginia? Smells like someone’s been cooking meth in here…but I guess I’m already on set so enough with the complaining. Though I DO expect at least a cheese plate at this point, thank you very much. Anyways, the last time I was around these parts, I was saying my sad and tearful goodbyes as the lead writer over here but did promise I’d be back in the Fall. Well, if you can have Christmas in July, why can’t you have Fall there too, right? And while we’re on the topic, this is a shout out to my family members that always ask why I’m not coming to see you in the dead of winter. Oh, I don’t know, because you live in a snowy part of Idaho and want me to drive 9 hours during the worst time of the year to travel to do it? I can say Merry Xmas over the phone. Heck, we could even Skype if you really wanna see my scruffy mug. Next year, we’re all having Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years over a vacation week in the middle of July. That way the only car wrecks will happen in the parking lot when Grandma tries to drive and get yet another 5th of Jack. Heart you, Grandma…but enough of this, you don’t even know what a Scott Fish Bowl is and we’re over 300 words in so lets get started. Here’s my Scott Fish Bowl team for the 2014 Fantasy Football season…

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new-york-giants_alternate-logo-1959

For a sixth straight season, Razzball will be interviewing NFL-team blogs for some actual in-depth football knowledge to shed some additional light on our fantasy football knowledge.  Keep your eye out for an interview for every NFL team for our Team Preview Series through the summer.  This installment comes courteous of Dennis Esser from the leading New York Giants’ blog: Big Blue View.

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arizona-cardinals-12quot-plush-mascot

For a sixth straight season, Razzball will be interviewing NFL-team blogs for some actual in-depth football knowledge to shed some additional light on our fantasy football knowledge.  Keep your eye out for an interview for every NFL team for our Team Preview Series through the summer.  This installment comes courteous of Alex Mann from the leading Arizona Cardinals blog: Revenge of the Birds.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

levine_toilolo

Kinda looks like when I eat a baked potato. Needs more chives though.

Levine Toilolo, or, as I often call him, Tin Foil Tofu, which sounds half-edible, is a 6’8″, 260-pound tight end. Which makes me think that his thighs are bigger than my head. While normally that would be enough to convince me to keep track of him in fantasy football this year, I feel like there should be other reasons. Not just food and thigh related, ya know? So let’s go over some superfluous reasons of why he is a sleeper for the upcoming 2014 season.

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2014 RankingsTop-200 | Top-200 (PPR) | Top-200 (Half-PPR) | QB | RB | RB (PPR) | WR | WR (PPR) | TE | TE (PPR) | K | DST |

Nick and Jay quickly go over some of Razzball’s Quarterback rankings…

Remember to visit Razzball Radio for all your Razzball media needs. And be sure to get your tickets for the Razzball 32 Fantasy Draft Parties in 32 NFL cities, all in the span of 32 days.

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