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With the record amount of snow falling in and around the northern lake areas (also my nickname for your mom’s private parts), we’ve lost the Jets vs. Bills to Monday in Detroit. As if that was any safer. Despite having one less game on the slate (who wanted to watch that one anyways?), we have some key match-ups with playoff implications. In fact, the only game that has near zero affect on the playoff picture would probably be the Buccaneers vs. Bears, because they’re both terrible at football. Their team names also start with “B”, but the science to support that connection is suspect at best. The Lions vs. Patriots should be fascinating, if only to watch Bill Belichick troll fantasy football by giving all rushing touches to Brandon Bolden and newly (re)signed LeGarrette Blount. Another intriguing match-up should be the 9-1 (wut?) Cardinals vs. Seahawks, who were once thought to be strong repeat Super Bowl winners. But with an inconsistent season, a loss here and a 49ers win would almost assuredly complicate matters and allow a team led by Drew Stanton to have a real shot at home field throughout the playoffs. And this is why we drink folks. This is why we drink.

Week 12 Rankings have been updated for today’s games for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.

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 grayjoy

Perhaps more recently known as Reek, Theon Greyjoy is the heir of Lord Balon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands in the ever popular Game of Thrones saga. At the age of nine, he was left as a hostage by his father with the House of Stark as a condition of surrender. Despite being a hostage, Theon was treated well by they Starks, and he a Robb Stark became best friends. Depicted in the HBO series as an arrogant and narcissistic person on the outside, Theon is actually weak, insecure, and unsure of himself. After turning on Robb Stark when he was sent home to Pyke to seek an alliance with Balon Greyjoy, through a series of events, life for Theon took a drastic turn. He unknowingly attempted to seduce his own sister, was rejected by his birth father, seized Winterfell, was betrayed by his own men, and eventually found himself the tortured prisoner of Roose Bolton’s bastard son, Ramsay Snow, who cut off his manhood (literally), renamed him Reek, and turned him into his own human pet.

But now on to some legitimate Gray joy…

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Overall: 71-58-1, Locks: 7-1

Greetings! Beddict here, weak and heavily medicated. For you see, I banged my chin on a flawless white marble kitchen countertop in a home owned by Celine Dion while shooting a soft core porn for Cinemax that should be out sometime in 2016. That’s right ya’ll, Beddict’s got 15 stitches in his chinny-chin-chin, and you’ll witness it on Razzball Radio and The Fantasy Sports Network next Tuesday. I was thinking about taking advantage of the situation and getting a chin implant. such as this one here, but after speaking with the Elders, it was decided that now is not the time.

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Man, I didn’t have my best week last week.  I guess it kind of evened things out from a few weeks ago when I seemingly couldn’t miss.  Oh well, even LeBron James has his off nights, right?  You know, like the game in Portland where I bought tickets as soon as possible to see the “King” play.  I’m not bitter or anything, promise.  Anyway, sorry if the advice didn’t work out last week, but remember as always, I’m not the one who hits submit on your lineup.

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With the fantasy football gods feasting on the blood, bones, and ligaments of running backs almost weekly, how did Ahmad Bradshaw make it this long? Bradshaw is so injury prone, Jordan Reed pities the Colts rusher. It seems like just when you begin to trust Bradshaw, he always gets hurt. Well, at least we had several weeks this season where he was trusted and startable. We should be thankful for that. I wonder at this point if we’ve seen the last of him. He’s 29 and seems to have broken nearly every bone in his body in the past three seasons. Too bad, I always felt he had one of the better skill sets when it came to being an effective rusher and receiver. Ahmad Bradshaw, we here at the Handcuff Report salute you for your many years of service as a handcuff. Stay fuzzy sweet prince…

Note: Don’t forget to come visit me on the new Razzball Fantasy Soccer home everyday of the week. Smokey and I have leagues registering now. If you’re not familiar with the format, NBD, relax, you got us. Smokey and I are giving you the best Fantasy Premier League coverage out there. If you haven’t tried fantasy EPL, you’re missing out. So sign up and use us as your guide.

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Some of you may remember the show from the 90’s about Camp Anawanna.  The few of you that don’t know it, or are too young to know it, please note that we are no longer friends of the pen pal variety.  It was a dumb show, but it fits here, so grab a seat, some Bugles, and give me six minutes of unadulterated non-porn time.  So this week’s under-looked startable option is Cecil Shorts III.  The third thing throws me off every time I say it. I associate him to Thurston Howell when I would rather be thinking of Ginger.  Okay, I need a moment to find my pants, talk amongst yourselves. The topic? The Department of the Interior. (It focuses on the outdoors.) Discuss. Cecil and the rest of the Jaguars face off against the Colts this week in Indy.  Stick around for the reasoning behind my madness and maybe a few new jokes that you may be able to share around the water cooler.

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To totally honest with you folks, I really didn’t want to watch this game. From time-to-time, this happens. Mainly it’s whenever the Buccaneers, Jaguars, Washington’s Football Team… and the Raiders are involved. And the latter? Well, I don’t really have a choice in the matter. You see, if you hadn’t heard, I’m quite the Chargers fan, and I’m already forced to watch the Raiders twice a year, as if that wasn’t suffering enough. Why would I expose myself to more of this so-called “suffering”? There’s already enough suffering in the world. But I sh*t you not, the Raiders were part of the best Thursday Night Football game this year… And to think, I thought the only highlight last night was going to be seeing Andy Reid waddle around in his full red walrus gear. I just want to say this before we get to the recap… for the entire week, if you live in the immediate Oakland and Alameda County area, my advice to you is to stay indoors and lock your doors. In celebration, Raiders fans will be tipping over cars, burning anything that’s flammable, climbing on anything more than 10 feet high… pretty much duplicating a riot-like atmosphere. I mean, yeah, you’re right, they were going to do that even if they lost, or, you know, here and there during the boring parts of the offseason, or, probably whenever they felt like it, but this is their first win of the year… THIS HAS MEANING!

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Greetings!! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, back again to praise those players who went above and beyond in pleasing their fantasy owners. It’s also a place where I purge my detestation of the players who either blew plush match-ups or were just outright dreadful. And there’s something that’s been vexing me as of late. Something more troubling than Nicolas Cage’s career choices, something more perplexing than Jim Carrey and Mike Myers’s epic fall offs, something even more disturbing than my and Sky’s combined porn collections. That something, you ask? Colin Kaepernick. After the Niners made the Super Bowl in Kaepernick’s first year on the job, I envisioned greatness; a taller, stronger Michael Vick. Instead, we’re getting a Joe Webb clone (no offense to Joe Webb. I love that guy. But still…). Except Webb would more than likely have at least ONE rushing TD on the season. Seriously, I haven’t seen a regression like this since Steven Segal after he dropped the classic Under Siege on us, following it with a bunch of DVD’s that I now use as beer coasters. [Jay’s Note: You shut your mouth about Glimmer Man. That movie is a classic.]

The Niners have been a bit banged up on the offensive line, but no more than any other teams in the NFL, so I’m not allowing that as an excuse. The front office has brought in a multitude of new weapons including Stevie Johnson, Carlos Hyde, and Bruce Ellington. I won’t even mention the name of the bum tight end they drafted in the 2nd round last year, but still another offensive weapon nonetheless. When you add Crabtree, Boldin, and Vernon Davis to the mix, we should be talking about one of the, if not the best arsenals in all of football. Instead, Kaepernick has put up the worst QBR of his career and the offense simply isn’t functioning. Over the past two seasons, San Fran has one of the most pathetic red zone offenses I’ve ever witnessed. Much of this has to do with the gross play calling of offensive coordinator Greg Roman. Either Roman needs to go, or Kaepernick needs to go, for this is getting out of hand. I thought Kaepernick was selected by the Elder Gods to take over the NFL. I used to believe he was superior to Russell Wilson. Now I wouldn’t take him over Tyler Wilson.

This is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

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We’re going to have an abbreviated streamer post this week.  Sorry guys and 4 gals, but it does mean fewer boring stats! Last week, we took some gambles in the Streamer Department that paid off, and some that did not… but hey, sometimes ya gotta crack a couple of eggs to make an omelette, amiright?  I thought this was going to be a shortened post?  Me too… Ready, Set, Stream!

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What’s up all you IDP junkies? It’s J to the F-O-H here to cover Kevin while he is off in Argentina working on Kevin Jr.. I imagine him munching on a steak with some chimi-churri and sipping on some Quilmes. I will not be doing the rankings, that’s his thing (which will still be updated and found below), but I will be covering the RazzDP’s in lieu of his usual player highlights and buys. I have a confession, I am not as deeply knowledgeable as Kevin in this format, but I have been playing IDP leagues for about six years now. Now don’t get me wrong, I have strong IDP knowledge, just not as vast and kick-ass as Kevin. Strangely the RazzDP’s are only my second venture into standard scoring, for I always customize my leagues for more dynamic numbers and higher rewards. I prefer more love for quality defensive performances. But that’s another article where I lay out my preferred scoring for IDP players. Damn stupid tangent… or is that agenda? Please feel free to share any opinions about what kind of scoring you like. Or any other opinion about anything… as long as it’s clean.

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