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Soooo, that was a football game… I think? While the season itself seemed to be gleaming with Patriot schadenfreude (as stated last night), it all seemed to culminate into last night’s game, which I guess upgrades it to a schadenboner. The Chiefs came out and dominated all phases of the game, well, except timeout and clock management, but we’re used to that with Andy Reid. I actually haven’t seen a bunch of Patriots from Boston wiped out like that since the Battle of Bunker Hill. Honestly, this division is so bad that if one of the other teams had a competent quarterback, New England would have been in trouble a long time ago.

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These are not your father’s Patriots. Mostly because they sucked more back then. But here in the 21st century, we are used to the Greatriots. Not so much anymore. More like the Mediocriots, amiright? Tom Brady, the Uggs Overlord himself, is ranked 30th in the league with just 5.54 yards per attempt, and has just completed 1 of his 13 attempts of 21 yards or longer downfield. While not exactly elite receivers, both Danny Amendola and Brandon Lafell have just four catches on the season. Sure, some of this probably has something to do with shoddy offensive line play and an ineffective running game, but at the end of the day, who cares? The sweet sweet schadenfreude is there for the taking. On the other side, you have an Andy Reid led Chiefs that has a defense regarded highly as the hottest garbage available at the moment. But good news, Jamaal Charles, through some medical miracle, is set to start tonight after tearing his ACL, receiving a leg contusion, suffering a high-ankle sprain. So that should be fun to watch.

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We’re in this together!

I know, I’m asking a lot of you. After capping off the day of football with the Sunday Night Game, it soon dawned upon me how scary it is that this division will, at some point in time, produce, at the very most, one playoff team. It’s a scary thought, especially since it was manifested watching a Saints secondary that I should buy to use as a spaghetti strainer. Anything that allows the Cowboys to have consecutive competent drives is something this world isn’t ready for. And it wasn’t just this one game either. You had the Falcons collapse against a Vikings team that has lost it’s best player in Adrian Peterson, is starting a rookie quarterback in Teddy Bridgewater, and still believes Christian Ponder deserves a roster spot in the NFL. Ugh. And then you have the Jacksonville Jaguars Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who, we don’t need to spend too much time on. Because Bucs are gonna Buc, amiright? And last, but certainly not least, (because, in a stunning turn of events, they are currently occupying first place in this travesty of a division), the Carolina Panthers. Who, apparently, didn’t take Steve Smith’s death threats seriously and proceeded to get maimed in Baltimore. Which is actually pretty common, now that I think of it. And yes, just to state for the record, their secondary collected a game check this week. That is all.

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While I’m sure a lot of quarterbacks can claim to be quite good against the Cowboys during the regular season (because they don’t go to the postseason… ICE BURN), Drew Brees most certainly can be included on that list. Despite the Saints being known more for being a “home” team, the Brees led Saints have gone 3-0 in Jerry Jones’ own personal Hasbro G.I. Joe Fully Armed Command Station Headquarters, that incidentally also has a capacity of 190,000 and football field in the middle of it. But not too worry, because with Jason Garrett and Tony Romo at the helm, LOL, yeah, I can’t even finish that sentence.

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It’s still too early to declare any team having a zero-to-little chance of going to the playoffs. Well, except for Jacksonville. And Oakland. And probably the Vikings. And the Titans as well. Oh, Washington too. And, yeah, we should add the Bucs to that list. Okay, so yeah, it’s not that early to declare some teams anti-January, but there are certainly some teams that could be added to the list after today. The 49ers are one of them, as the Eagles come to town with Nick Foles and his 58 broken ribs and an offensive line that has a 4% attendance rate at this point. The game should be interesting, as the 49ers have lost in spectacularly mysterious fashion the last two weeks and Chip Kelly is just so damn innovative.

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“I want to make sure that whatever team I go to, they’re going to get the best, in-shape 35-year-old guy they can get. If that happens to run through Bank of America Stadium, put your goggles on cause there’s going to be blood and guts everywhere.” — Steve Smith, Charlotte radio station WFNZ-AM.

Soooo, that was graphic. And as if someone in the NFL head office was listening to him, even without the benefit of it being on video tape, it appears we’ll get to see Steve Smith’s best Duke Nukem impersonation this Sunday, as the scheduling gods have sent the Carolina Panthers to Baltimore’s Inner Harbor (the shining two-by-two square mile gem of the area, or what I call the “safe-zone”. Haha, just kidding, it’s not that safe) to do mortal football combat with Smith and the rest of the Ravens. And probably Joe Flacco’s elite eyebrows. Those things have a license to kill. And, you know, check down.

Week 4 Rankings have been updated for today’s games. You can check them out here.

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Overall: 16-17-1, Week 3: 9-6-1

Greetings! Hopefully some of you are plunging balls deep into the world of sports betting. There’s really no superior way to ruining your life, errr, I mean having a fabulous time. I’ve gone through periods of my life where I’ve bet 50 bucks a game and I’ve gone through times when I was driving down to Tijuana sports books and traversing to Vegas to throw down thousands. Those were stressful times and putting stress on the body, especially in my case, since it’s the only thing that makes me money, can lead to health problems down the road. Nowadays, I do it more for sport. Kind of like Tinder. Or is that sports f*cking? Either way, being a consistent winner is sports betting is almost impossible or obviously more people would do it for a living. Yes, I went 5-11 in a horrific Week 2, but those weeks happen to the best of us. Not to mention, nobody of any intelligence actually puts money down on every single football game. I SORT OF redeemed myself with a 9-6-1 record this past weekend and aim to continue this streak of above .500 play in Week 4. I somehow forgot to put a pick in for TNF on my Disgrace/Delight post, so we’re already down one game. That was a game to stay away from anyway, though I’m sure the majority of squares took Washington. (I probably would have). I’m exhausted from 18 holes of golf yesterday, so we best get to the picks before drugs are required to keep me going. Yes, I lead a rough life, but I didn’t choose this life. It chose me. This is Betting With Beddict, so Elder Gods please SHOW US THE MONEY.

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A long time ago in a fantasy football league far, far away…

I’ve been waiting for you Le’Veon Kenobi. Le’Veon… Now that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time.

The force is strong with the Stats Machine. Influenced by Jedi Masters such as Delanie Skywalker and Yoda, its ability to harness the force is unparalleled. With the highest midichlorian count in the galaxy, the Stats Machine is destined to help you defeat the dark side and bring peace and victory to your league. So grab a Colt 45 with Landry Calrissian (yes the Stats Machine just gave a shout out to Jarvis Landry), fire up a hookah with Jabba the Luck, let out a Chewbacca-like growl with Queen Amendola and get ready to start swinging your light saber. And remember, it’s not the size (or color) of your light saber that matters, it’s how you use it.

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This week I’ve been tapped to fill in for Seth and write the “Start ‘em and Sit ‘em” column. Those that have read my Stats Machine posts will know that I think projections are for the birds. I am more of a “by the numbers” kind of guy. I rely on statistics to make my points and fantasy sports decisions. I believe that making “gut” decisions is the recipe for failure, but maybe that’s because I’m gutless. Or was it heartless. I forget.

By no means do I profess to be an expert in this realm, so with the help of some number crunching, I have targeted the players that have good match-ups and those that do not and present them to you as my start ‘em, sit ‘em’s of the week…

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I’ve come to a conclusion about my draft strategy for next year. I’m not drafting any starting running backs. Nope! Only handcuffs in the later rounds for me. I won’t be fooled by you starting running backs and your supposed “talent”. Oh no siree, I’m moving on! In all seriousness though, what the hell is going on? The starters that haven’t been hurt, arrested, kidnapped, or shamed into retirement, haven ‘t been good. Anyone watch LeSean McCoy, Eddie Lacy, or Matt Forte lately? How is anyone winning in fantasy?

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