Football fans will get to see an offensive explosion of biblical proportions when the Green Bay Packers travel to Detroit to take on the Lions this Sunday — so what better way to describe this occasion than with an excerpt from a well-known psalm.  I’m Jewish (and a mostly non-practicing one for that matter), and even I know this phrase very well.  Of course, we have Quentin Tarantino to thank for that (Note: Although Samuel L. Jackson mentions “Ezekiel 25:17″ in his immortal quote, he in fact uses lines from Psalm 23 as well).

Throughout time, there have been many interpretations of that verse, but when relating it to this week’s slate of NFL games, it can only mean one thing: start Aaron Rodgers and Matthew Stafford with confidence.  Not only will those QBs give you some relative “comfort”, but so should their receivers.  As of now, I have Stafford No. 1 in my QB rankings, with Rodgers right behind him.  Calvin Johnson is my No. 1 WR (Julio Jones‘ TNF performance not included), which he’ll likely be in most matchups, and after a huge 206-yard performance vs. the Jets, Jordy Nelson checks in as this week’s No. 3 receiver.  The Packers’ “other” wideout, Randall Cobb, is also in my top 10, and in his third game with his new team, former Seahawk Golden Tate makes his way into the top 30.

Start all these players with the utmost confidence and take a look below for some more start/sits before you set your lineups prior to kickoff…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don't have enough spam, give me the Razzball email newsletter!

Dear Running Backs,
What the hell is going on? Seriously guys, not only are you getting injured at an alarming rate, but your off the field antics are ridiculous, and not ridiculous in a Dennis Rodman fun idiot kind of way. Let’s take a minute to reflect. More than likely we the fantasy football collective will be without Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, Jamaal Charles (maybe not), Ryan Matthews, Mark Ingram, Knowshon Moreno, Doug Martin and Jonathan Dwyer for several weeks. Oh okay, yeah, no one cares about Jonathan Dwyer, but you get my point. That’s seven starting running backs and we’re only two weeks into the season. Early in the fantasy baseball season we talked about the closerpocalypse well this is the runningbackalypse. I fully expect another three to be injured and Matt Forte to be found out as the real life Buffalo Bill by the time this blog posts. It’s been that kind of year. As corny dancehall reggae artist Elephant Man would say ju-kno! Well I guess the silver lining is there were plenty of intriguing handcuffs promoted to starter in the last week. Some are temporary, others could be more permanent, and some tried to get in on the runningbackalypse. Either way here are the ones to keep an eye on.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last week, I got a big fat punch of what’s happening in my mouth with my flex picks. I don’t think I’ve ever been as wrong as when that one time I thought it was a good idea to draft Jay Bruce ahead of Giancarlo Stanton. Hey dumba*s, wrong sport! You’ll have to excuse me, I’m still stuck in baseball and crossing my sports. To call my calls a train wreck is insulting to train wrecks. On a positive note, and this is me trying to be positive, I’m glad Sammy Watkins had a big game. I see my negativity really rubbed off on him and he threw it back in my face. Thanks for reading Watkins, awesome! This week, I’m going to go position on position. Let’s keep it simple, short and sweet. Well not too sweet, I am Jack Full of Hate, and have more hate in me than NOW has for the NFL… too soon?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

i

Soooo, that was enthralling. And by enthralling, I mean it the same way I feel when watching cars crash into each other. The game was essentially over in the first 20 seconds when 18 touchdowns were scored, but seeing as I actually have to create content based on the game, I upgraded the vodka to anti-freeze. I feel like this is the same strategy implemented by any local pizza places that gave out free toppings for each Falcons touchdown. That… was a poor business decision.

BREAKING: Roger Goodell to suspend the Atlanta Falcons six games for violently abusing the Bucs.

Annnnd there you have it folks. I just really think Atlanta’s scheduling of an FCS team will hurt their bid for a spot in the playoffs. And while the Buccaneers are trying to be the Raiders, they’re not there yet. Close though. Oh so very close. It’s okay Tampa, a lot of people don’t try hard at their job.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

falcons-fans

Please?

Imagine an alley my friends. And in that alley, imagine a dumpster. And, if you can, imagine a fire in that dumpster. Some would call it a “dumpster fire”. Good for them, because it’s a good name for it. I also have a good name. I call it “Falcons Defense”. After giving up the most yards in the NFL this season, and the only team not to register a sack, I think a new strategy needs to implemented. Just let the Buccaneers score so you can get the ball back quicker. I’m not sure you’ll win, but I’ll at least be very entertained. And as the scores would probably end up in the quadruple digits, I’ll probably be very turned on as well. Hey baby, what’s your name, what’s yo– holy sh*t, that’s like 28 touchdowns. MARRY ME.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Wow. Inspired much? Scenes like that can make grown men weep (not speaking from experience). Luckily for me, Razzball doesn’t take things that seriously… mostly because I cry easily, and Jay can’t just threaten to take me out at any moment in time. Have you seen what’s been happening in the NFL? Razzball would cut him… aaaand Fantasy Sports Network would drop their sponsorship. That would be after a series of varying reports about him being suspended for 2 weeks, then fully reinstated, and then barred from fantasy sports writing altogether. Am I bitter about Adrian Peterson?  Nope (sarcasm). Let’s get on with it:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to the real world, where the Saints are 0-2 and 80’s pop music cries, waiting to be recognized once again.  Now, I am not one to go off on tangents or shed tears for the Saints at all, the team’s problem is and will be defense all year.  Khiry Robinson comes up after the broken wings of Mark Ingram, whose injury has given Khiry the uniform of youth.  And by that, I mean the starters pinny, that we as fantasy footballians covet from a late round pick.   It’s love, not because I wish the Saints offense was more black and white, but because they are a pass-happy bunch that grinds it at the goal line.  I get it, and I hope they don’t slow down and run to her (her being the end zone), early and often.  So if I had my way, I would sculpt the Saints playbook with my own hands, and include the versatile backs that they employ down in the shadows of Lake Pontchartrain.  So here’s what I foresee happening this week with Khiry, and why if you are in a bind with injuries or insecurities about roster spots, he may be a good bet to net you some positives this week.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.9% (12th out of 133 Experts, 61.4% Highest, 49.9% Lowest).

Week 2 Results: 54.0% (35th out of 135 Experts, 61.3% Highest, 42.1% Lowest).

I actually didn’t think there were going to be enough healthy players to rank this week, but alas, we barely made it. With nearly 86% of the NFL injured, one might wonder if we are seeing the end of the world as we know it, totally forgetting the fact that we voted Barack Obama to be President not once, but twice. Coincidentally, Jamaal Charles’ and A.J. Green’s injuries are the direct result of that as well, so thanks again Obama! Not only is the world already in the process of ending, but so are our fantasy football teams. Sounds like a scary situation here folks… but have no fear, I come here bearing gifts. Well, not “gifts” per say, more like rankings, but I submit to you that rankings can be gifts. It just needs some ribbon and wrapping paper, and BOOM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO. So here are the rankings for Week 3, now with more gift wrap…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings!!! Week two was hella crazy, ya’ll; Adrian Peterson suspended for child endangerment, A.J. Green going down with a toe injury before making a single reception, and Jake Locker being beyond atrocious. Okay, well, maybe that last one wasn’t so shocking… but every soul on earth other than the legendary, Jay(Wrong), had Locker going HAM and eggs on the what was supposed to be pathetic defense of the Dallas Cowboys. Thinking about the once salivating thought of Locker to Justin Hunter, now sickens me beyond a level I believed only possible in the depths of Hades. More on these two bricks, later. My first four picks in my highest money league were as follows: Peterson, Alshon Jeffery, Andre Ellington, and Rob Gronkowski. Needless to say, I’m 0-2 and almost b*tch slapped my chicken out of anger. But then, I thought of Michael Vick, Ray Rice, Da Kraken, and the aforementioned AP, and decided to instead, hug my chicken, Beatrice, for love is the answer ya’ll. I’m Tehol Beddict, the only former-male thong model in history to be published in any form of sports writing, and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rarely do we see a week so overabundant in the injury department.  Millions of fantasy teams were brought to their knees (likely ‘cuz they have no ankles to support them) after the seemingly endless amounts of bones, ligaments and tendons that were demolished in Week 3’s slate of NFL games. Fantasy football owners are going to be racing to the wire this week to replace their fallen and it’s important that you are kept up-to-date with who to grab and who not to grab…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Razzball Archives