I mean, after Sunday Night Football‘s barn burner, could my heart take Jets vs. Cardinals? Uh, yeah. Apparently there was room to spare. I’m not quite sure what else to say about whatever it is I watched last night, but it involved Patrick Peterson dressing up as a tyrannosaurus rex. So there’s that, I guess. Yeah, sure, it might have been interesting to see if the Jets could pull off an upset against a pretty meh Cardinals team as a reason to delude themselves into thinking their season wasn’t over yet… But then you remember it’s the Jets in prime time and you wonder what you did to deserve this. And that’s not even including the fact that you have to deal with Chris Berman. I’m going to get five more jobs and work really hard. Then I’m going to save my money and invest some of it. Then I’m gonna cut my costs down as much as I can. Then I’ll be rich. And then I’m going to launch a satellite into space that has a high-powered rail gun on it. And then I’m going to shoot it at Chris Berman. Oh, and David Johnson is the man. That is all.
John Brown – 5 REC, 54 YDS, 10.8 AVG, 13 LONG, 7 TGTS. Quite the disappointment in fantasy so far. He’s usually drafted as what, a WR2? He’s had only one 100-yard game so far, no touchdowns, and if you take out his big game against the Rams, his season long is 19 yards. Seriously, I haven’t see a man named John Brown massacre so many people this badly since Pottawatomie…
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 16/31, 174 YDS, 5.6 AVG, 1 INT, 55.0 RTG and 1 CAR, 2 YDS, 2.0 AVG, 2 LONG. Fitzmagic? More like sh*t’s tragic, amiright folks? I wonder though, do you think it’s Fitzpatrick’s cerebral plan to just hold onto the ball for a really long time and, just before getting blown up by two defenders, to duck his head and try to get a headshot personal foul? I mean, say what you want, but at least the man has a plan.
Matt Forte – 9 CAR, 19 YDS, 2.1 AVG, 8 LONG and 1 REC, 3 YDS, 3.0 AVG, 3 LONG, 3 TGTS. So what hilarious thing happens now? I’m assuming this is a joke, right?
David Johnson – 22 CAR, 111 YDS, 5.0 AVG, 3 TD and 3 REC, 27 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 10 LONG, 6 TGTS. I haven’t seen a Johnson benefit so much from the sudden appearance of a hole since November 22, 1963.
Brandon Marshall – 3 REC, 70 YDS, 23.3 AVG, 36 LONG, 6 TGTS. Theory: Someone convinced Fitzpatrick that when you get in the red zone, you throw to the other team.
Charone Peake – 5 REC, 43 YDS, 8.6 AVG, 14 LONG, 10 TGTS. That’s peake Charone if I ever saw…
Geno Smith – 4/6, 31 YDS, 5.2 AVG, 1 INT, 39.6 RTG and 1 CAR, 2 YDS, 2.0 AVG, 2 LONG. “Oh you think Fitz is bad? OKAY motherf*ckers, check this sh*t out.” – Todd Bowles.
