NFL: Divisional Round-San Franciso 49ers at Carolina Panthers

I AM SEVENMAN!

Well, most of these games today were terrible, or required triage as the week 2 early morning games were brought to you by the NFL Kickers Union and Obamacare. I knew I should have gone to the bar instead of watching multiple games at home… but I’m not putting on pants now, so here I am as the second week of Sunday Night Football brings us the Bears and 49ers. While it’s still a game-time decision, as I let you know this morning, it appears that Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery may not play tonight. Which I guess means that it’s going to be Forte all Forte long. Whatever that means.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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True nightmare fuel.

Who are these “Chargers” you speak of? Are we talking about my phone charger? Yeah, you’re right, such faux bewilderment by me is totally unbecoming of a true Charges fan. All 12 of us. But here we are, probably the biggest test of the young season, and… brah, check out those waves. Laters. Meanwhile, Pete Carroll is too busy helming the Northwest Death Star and poisoning San Francisco’s water supply to know what a Charger is or what it does. In fact, there are going to be more Chargers fans in Portland this Sunday than San Diego. And while you could accuse me of being a bit bias with the lede, I simply refuse to talk about a Houston-Oakland match-up. And no, the Rams and Cardinals seems equally as boring. And while I would have liked to have highlighted the Jets-Packers game, I’m pretty sure I would be forced to pay royalties to State Farm for doing so. Unabashed Chargers homerism it is!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Sooo, not exactly what I would wear during hunting season…

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the AFC East 1st place team– The Buffalo Bills. Sure it’s only week 2, and they are in a three-way tie with the Dolphins and Jets, but let’s get real. The Jets will soon do what the Jets do best, and that’s not stay in first place. And the Dolphins, I’m sure, will find interesting ways to stay mediocre. Then again, both those things can be said about the Bills, but let’s enjoy it while it lasts. After all, some day in the future, someone will remember that one week where the Bills were Super Bowl bound and on pace for a 16-0 season. But probably not.

Week 2 Rankings have been updated for today’s games. You can check them out here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Green Bay Packers v Minnesota Vikings

Did he beat his kid until he was purple? Jesus.

So, as if there hasn’t been enough negative news going around these parts, apparently, the Vikings running back wishes to keep the dominoes going. In other news, thanks for making me hungry for pizza too. Ya jerk.

Vikings running back Adrian Peterson has been indicted on charges of child injury in Texas, according to multiple reports. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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They don’t call it the Charm City for nothing!

God, these teams are both terrible. At least that’s what I got from last night’s game. I remember when this matchup was good. Now it’s like watching a fight in the old age home between two withered, senile dudes in diapers. One thing’s for sure, The Ravens overcame a lot of adveristy last night, if adversity means the Steelers. And, to Pittsburgh’s credit, they all looked remarkably calm for being on a boat that’s sinking. For the complete recap of the game, I’ve compacted it into one sentence for each team, so as to limit your suffering: Ravens — Six trips inside the 20 and two TDs. (Thanks, no, we were just looking.) Steelers — Even by Todd Haley standards, that was some sh*t playcalling. (“HOW DO I FOOTBALL?”) But hey, you have to admit, Joe Flacco looked at least 2% more elite with that rugged beard.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Chip Riley

I have no idea what’s going on here, but what ever it is, probably needs more doctor. 

Warning: This is a Ray Rice free zone. And as much as we’d like to adhere to this policy on Razzball tonight and in the future, you’d be crazy to think that the NFL Network will. And if ESPN and their mighty journalistic integrity are any indication of what we’re in store tonight, we’re f*cked. And what probably doesn’t take attention away from domestic violence is the fact that domestic abuse survivor, Rihanna, will be performing with Jay-Z (more like Jay-Y, amiright folks?) before the game. Well, to the NFL’s credit, at least they didn’t ask Chris Brown to perform… But, luckily for us, there’s actually going to be football going on between two franchises that really seem to dislike each other. So let’s bring in the football so we can forget everything else for a few hours. Well, okay, you’re right, with the commercials, it’s more like five hours.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 1 Results: 61.8% (22nd out of 134 Experts, 66.1% Highest, 48.2% Lowest).

It’s now time for Week 2 Rankings folks! Why? Because the world needs rankings. Nay, the world demands it. To be really honest, what’s the point of writing about fantasy football if not to start arguments over subjective numerical values? If you answered “there is no point!” (exclamation point inflection required), well then, you win this cookie. This cookie right here. Oh, you don’t see the cookie? That’s probably because I just ate it. So you get no cookie. Just the teasing of said cookie.

Great, now I’m hungry for more cookies. Thanks!

As an aside, I’ve heard some requests for a ‘Rest of Season’ rankings made available for the masses. Well, I haven’t heard them per say… I’ve read the requests, seeing as how you people don’t whisper in my ear. I mean, maybe you do, but I’m just trying to ignore you because that’s creepy, dude. Regardless, I will be releasing ROS projections at every quarter mark of the season, or basically every month, or every four weeks… basically every 30 or so days. Or 730 hours. 43829 minutes. 2.63e+6 seconds… woah, what the heck is that I just wrote? That looks like some kind of alien language. But, you get my point. So, yeah, be excited for that!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Well, as referenced last night, the derpiness was magnified 10-fold with two Monday Night Football games being played. For the Giants, well, I can only say that it’s my honor to watch Tom Coughlin’s last year as head coach. The team looked drunk most of the night, I guess wanting to join in on my fun. The optimist in me would say that things can only improve from here on out, but I know Eli Manning better than that. (He’s on pace for 32 interceptions. I believe!) On the flip side, we saw Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson play catch for most of the evening. There must have been something the Giants defense could have done to prevent all those touchdown passes to Megatron. Maybe they could have had some of their players around the area that Mr. Johnson occupied, perhaps making it more difficult for the ball to be thrown to him? They could call this wonderful new invention “pass coverage”. And while in the second quarter when the game was still close, it looked like all the other Lions games I’ve watched, where the two teams are essentially two friends at dinner arguing over who is going to pick up the check. Eventually, someone gives in, but the act is just weird over-generosity at that point. But alas, the game ended pretty quickly thereafter and we were left with an important question: Are the Lions good at football, or are the Giants a dumpster fire?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Because Sunday was not enough to fill everyone’s football appetite, we don’t get just one Monday Night Football game, but two. Or as the Spanish call it: dos. The more you know. These two final week one games will serve as a bookend to what was a half-derpy, half-competant filled weekend of football. So I guess normal, except the Bills are in first place, which is just silly. And while you could make the claim that it was quite the unpredictable weekend, three of the four teams that had first-round byes last season won their first game. Tonight will probably be no different than Sunday, just at a smaller scale. Or maybe a bigger scale since Eli Manning is playing.

Please, blog, may I have some more?