i

Let us pray.

The wait is finally over folks. Despite a shaky start by our lord and savior, Breesus Christ, the true nature of the Carolina Panthers took over the game and made sure that the Saints broke out of their four-game road losing streak, and they now have a strangle hold over the NFC South. With a 4-4 record. Sigh. Mark Ingram put in another solid night, rubbing it in for all of us who drafted him two years ago. Thanks man. Speaking of thanks, Cam Newton did a well enough job, but that’s with the context of being pretty terrible, so yeah. He did a great job of being terrible. True, he was under duress for most of the night, getting sacked four times, which forced two fumbles. And yes, the Carolina offensive line is just really offensive without three of it’s regular starters. Not to mention the receivers had their fair share of drops. But hey, always look on the bright side. It could be worse, ya know? You could be the Tampa Bay Buccaneers…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

BYv8lmyIcAAsXTM

In what will be a showdown for the ages, with the context of said showdown being for first place in the dumpster fire known as the NFC South, seems as though it’s a perfect game to spotlight during Thursday Night Football, a prime time slot that has been utterly corrosive to our livers about 90% of the time. Or maybe that’s just my liver. I love alcohol. What of it? After treating the Green Bay defense like tissue paper, Breesus and his disciples (see what I did there?) look to take on the fledgling Panthers. Fun fact: Every team in this division is fledgling. Except Tampa Bay. They’re just terrible. Coming into the season with what was supposed to be an elite defense, Carolina has given up at least 37 points four times in the past five games. But they did hold Seattle to 13 points, proving that Seattle’s offense is kinda sh*tty. That being said, Cam Newton still has some room to grow, and DeAngelo Williams is back in time for this game, just to get injured again. So, uh, yeah, should be one of those games…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rest of Season Rankings have been updated, and can be found here.

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.90% (33rd out of 122 Experts, 60.70% Highest, 47.80% Lowest).

Week 8 Results: 56.30% (67th out of 130 Experts, 64.80% Highest, 45.20% Lowest).

Accuracy Rank Experts Highest Lowest Score +/- Rank +/-
Week 1 61.80% 22 134 66.10% 48.20%
Week 2 54.00% 35 135 61.30% 42.10% -7.80% -13
Week 3 57.40% 88 128 67.10% 44.30% 3.40% -53
Week 4 56.50% 48 128 61.10% 42.80% -0.90% 40
Week 5 56.50% 70 131 69.40% 47.00% 0.00% -22
Week 6 56.30% 27 133 63.10% 41.50% -0.20% 43
Week 7 59.70% 33 132 64.30% 46.50% 3.40% -6
Week 8 56.30% 67 130 64.80% 45.20% -3.40% -34
Totals 57.90% 33 129 60.70% 47.80%

And now, your Week 9 Rankings…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

i

While the game as a whole was a close scoring affair that went into overtime, looking at it from the micro view, the first half was entirely forgettable. In fact, I had a hard time not throwing an unsportsmanlike penalty flag having been forced to watch those two quarters. To put it succinctly, the Cowboys did practically everything wrong and were still only down by three. The game suddenly became entertaining in the second half, until Romo went down from a sack and headed back to the locker room until late in the fourth quarter. They said he passed through the stadium bar, so I’m assuming some shots were in order. For a while, it was Brandon Weeden facing off against Colt McCoy, and I had to Google to make sure I wasn’t watching a preseason game. Suffice it to say, McCoy found a way to win in overtime, because heart, or something, and while Romo returned to a standing ovation, begging for a Romonobyl so powerful, Godzilla would awaken, we were treated to a spinning incomplete pass to end the game on downs. Not exactly the aphrodisiac I was expecting. But with a surprising win, Washington finds itself 3-5 with a chance at 8-8, and if Romo’s back takes a turn for the worst, we now know how Dallas will finish 8-8, unfortunately leaving the suspense out how they were going to do it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

dallas-cowboys-fans_pg_600

This is the most random assortment of anything that I have ever seen…

While I would normally expect this game to be somewhat close because of the prime time slot and storied rivalry, I just remembered that Jim Haslett is still employed. So expecting this game to stay competitive, for at least one quarter, may be asking too much. Especially since Tony Romo and DeMarco Murray have lit Jerry’s world (aka his loins) on fire with staggering competency and production. Words that usually aren’t used to describe those two. Romo has 14 touchdowns and only 6 interceptions with 1,789 yards, and December is still far off. Murray became the first running back in history to start a season with seven straight 100-yard games. Washington doesn’t really even have a functional quarterback strategy at this point and are sliding in the NFC East with a 2-5 record. If this is an intentional strategy to get out of the spotlight from having a team name that’s a slur, well then, job well done.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

sad-polar-bear

In what was an embarrassing display of defense, especially for the Bears, or even the Buccaneers, the Patriots took advantage of the brand new and radical “Cover No one” formation, laying down a 51-spot on the scoreboard. Gronk smash is correct. Much had been publicized on Brandon Marshall’s “motivational speaking” tour after a Miami loss last week, “motivating” everyone from Jay Cutler to Robbie Gould.

‘We’ve got Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett, Matt Forte. We’ve got a stud offensive line. We’ve got a great, great group of guys. And this is unacceptable. What did we put up, 14 points? Was it 14 points? That’s unacceptable.”

You see something missing there? People, who, perhaps are in charge of preventing another team from outscoring yours? Pray tell… So, we’ll probably get another week of Marc Trestman blaming (somewhat warranted), Brandon Marshall yelling (probably shouldn’t call it motivating anymore) and Jay Cutler outrage (because he gave up 51 points all by his lonesome). Unless, of course, the media will focus more on fact that the Patriots are now 6-2, in first place, and look every bit as dangerous as they used to. Sigh, that’s exactly what’s going to happen, isn’t it? Oh God damn it Bears, did you really have to let that happen?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

saints-fans(01)

Who dat? More like what the f*ck is dat.

The Packers have seemingly been able to survive a slow start, winning four straight after starting 1-2. However, I feel like someone should tell them that they left Eddie Lacy behind. Or they just confused Jordy Nelson with him. Which would make sense, seeing as how all the yardage goes through him at this point. But if it’s any consolation for Lacy being left to his own machinations, it appears that the Saints are around the same area. So here Lacy, it’s an entire team to keep you company. Bressus has yet to rise, and yes, that’s the only religious metaphor I’ll throw out, because let’s be honest here, Drew Brees doesn’t deserve it at this moment. More like Breedus, amiright folks? (Okay, two. That’s it, I swear.) And with a limited Jimmy Graham, it appears that the Saints offense will depend on such play-makers as Marquee Colston and, um, err,… Travaris Cadet? Oh god, this is going to be bad, isn’t it…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Cardinals Fever Football

Hey guys, you can call off the search party now. I found Kid Rock. All is well.

Despite having a spectacularly unreliable offense at times, the Chip Kelly innovated™ Philadelphia Eagles find themselves 5-1, vying for the NFC East lead with the surprisingly competent Cowboys. And while we are still a good month and some days away from December, this looks like a finish that should provide plenty of entertainment, with a healthy side of NFC East derp, the purist derp out there, some would say. The Cardinals, who have had their own issues on offense, also bring a 5-1 record, trying to prove that Arizona is the new Seattle. All you need is not to be landlocked, and have some sort of progressive movement, and, you know, have a good football team. Well, you got one of the three so far… let’s see what happens next.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

x1-1

In an epic battle between crab cakes (YAY) and skyline chili (BOO), the Ravens will bring their AFC North leading record of 5-2 to Cincinnati, a city that I’ve heard has paved roads, unlike Cleveland. Interestingly enough, the teams have met already this season, but it’s okay if you forgot, as these teams seem completely different from their previous match-up when the Bengals won 23-16. Said Bengals went on to win their next two, and with a 3-0 start, looked like one of the best teams in the NFL. But I guess getting tired of looking competent, the Bengals went to their safety zone, aka, they went Bungles the next three games by losing two, and tying in one. Though, I’m pretty sure a tie is a loss, seeing as it’s described as kissing your sister. Sorry, I’m not from Alabama, that’s a complete loss for me. Speaking of a loss, I have no words to describe the eliteness being shown by Joe Flacco. It’s almost as if his eliteness went on a cocaine binge and then he decided to make things interesting by adding mescaline as a side garnish. Of course, having a resurgent Steve Smith on a successful 2014 baby-punching tour certainly helps as well. Will the Bungles Bungle? I can’t wait to find out. Because Ginger.

Week 8 Rankings have been updated for today’s games, for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

i

“I need a new helmet. OMAHA. Yeah, that’s right, my head’s growing at a rapid rate. OMAHA. ROMO. ELWAY. OMAHA. New helmet on one! SET. OMAHA.”

Well, it would be hard for me to analyze this game with an unbiased viewpoint, seeing as how I’m pretty obvious homer. But hey, at least I’m obvious. That being said, I’d have to say that Mike Carey and myself could have probably been best friends. Essentially every decision he called last night was the opposite of what the refs decided, because, let’s be honest here, the officiating was complete sh*t. A crucial special teams fumble by Denver was called back, even though replays clearly showed the ball moving before the player was down, allowing Petyon Manning to drive for a touchdown before the half. In the third quarter, a Philip Rivers interception that was caught on the ground, with movement, was not overturned. A crucial redzone interception by Eric Weddle was called back because of a defensive holding penalty, which, might I add, was way before the 5-yard mark. And then later, a Juwan Thompson touchdown was confirmed, even though he didn’t break the plane… so… whatever. I suppose things like this happen. At the very least, Ronnie Hillman was negated something like 80 fantasy points, and the Broncos seemed more interested in trolling fantasy players than by any other team I’d seen in recent memory. So even though Denver won, I’m pretty sure most of us lost. Including my liver. What can I say? Misery loves company…

Please, blog, may I have some more?