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To totally honest with you folks, I really didn’t want to watch this game. From time-to-time, this happens. Mainly it’s whenever the Buccaneers, Jaguars, Washington’s Football Team… and the Raiders are involved. And the latter? Well, I don’t really have a choice in the matter. You see, if you hadn’t heard, I’m quite the Chargers fan, and I’m already forced to watch the Raiders twice a year, as if that wasn’t suffering enough. Why would I expose myself to more of this so-called “suffering”? There’s already enough suffering in the world. But I sh*t you not, the Raiders were part of the best Thursday Night Football game this year… And to think, I thought the only highlight last night was going to be seeing Andy Reid waddle around in his full red walrus gear. I just want to say this before we get to the recap… for the entire week, if you live in the immediate Oakland and Alameda County area, my advice to you is to stay indoors and lock your doors. In celebration, Raiders fans will be tipping over cars, burning anything that’s flammable, climbing on anything more than 10 feet high… pretty much duplicating a riot-like atmosphere. I mean, yeah, you’re right, they were going to do that even if they lost, or, you know, here and there during the boring parts of the offseason, or, probably whenever they felt like it, but this is their first win of the year… THIS HAS MEANING!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.80% (24th out of 129 Experts, 60.00% Highest, 48.80% Lowest).

Week 11 Results: 52.10% (64th out of 130 Experts, 67.60% Highest, 42.60% Lowest).

Accuracy Rank Experts Highest Lowest Score +/- Rank +/-
Week 1 61.80% 22 134 66.10% 48.20%
Week 2 54.00% 35 135 61.30% 42.10% -7.80% -13
Week 3 57.40% 88 128 67.10% 44.30% 3.40% -53
Week 4 56.50% 48 128 61.10% 42.80% -0.90% 40
Week 5 56.50% 70 131 69.40% 47.00% 0.00% -22
Week 6 56.30% 27 133 63.10% 41.50% -0.20% 43
Week 7 59.70% 33 132 64.30% 46.50% 3.40% -6
Week 8 56.30% 67 130 64.80% 45.20% -3.40% -34
Week 9 60.30% 23 131 66.00% 46.10% 4.00% 44
Week 10 57.80% 68 130 66.90% 48.40% -2.50% -45
Week 11 52.10% 64 131 67.60% 42.60% -5.70% 4
Totals 57.80% 24 129 60.00% 48.80%

And now, your Week 12 Rankings…

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Seriously… how many endangered birds live in Keisel’s beard? 48? 59? 1,085?

Mike Tomlin is 1-8 all-time against teams with a winning percentage of 0.200 or worse. Lucky for him and the Steelers, the Titans had a 0.285 winning percentage coming into last night’s Monday Night Football game. And since mathematics are unquestioned around these parts, mainly because I don’t understand what it is or what it does… obviously, based on all these facts, the Steelers won. Obviously. Something else that’s obvious is Le’Veon Bell is good at the game of football. And wouldn’t you know it? Ben Roethlisberger isn’t actually Aaron Rodgers, so the Steelers probably need other things to happen to make the playoffs. And wouldn’t you know it… a gun-shy Ken Wisenhunt punting on a 4th-and-4 in the 4th quarter with seven minutes remaining, down a field goal, with a 2-7 record, combined with Le’Veon Bell’s performance seemed to be just enough to qualify as those “other things” . The Steelers now have a 7-4 record and have… some control over the AFC North. Then again, they did also lose to the Buccaneers and Jets. Sooooo, yeah. Who the ef knows anymore…

BREAKING: Adrian Peterson has been notified today that he has been suspended for the remaining 2014 season. Granted, Adam Schefter is reporting this, so there’s at least an 89% chance that he starts this Sunday. Regardless, while he was a speculative add if you had a hole on your bench, he’s safe to drop at this point.

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Well, that was certainly a Sunday worth remembering. Especially if you’re like me and reset the ole’ memory banks with copious amounts of bourbon throughout the day. You could say these Sunday notes aren’t just for you, but also myself… So here we are, together in this. And together, we saw some interesting things… the Bucs, the 1-8 Bucs (in case you were confused) destroyed Washington. For context, the Falcons destroyed the Bucs. And the Panthers almost beat the Falcons. So according to that, the Panthers would probably beat Washington by 200 points. In fact, with the Raiders only mustering 200 yards of total offense, I’m pretty sure if they faced off against Washington, both teams would find a way to lose. And let’s not forget the Lions having a throwback game to the Matt Millen Era. Peyton Manning thinking it’s the month of January (to be fair, the weather has me convinced of this.) Mark Sanchez returning to form. And then there’s this… the Cardinals are now 9-1. They are now three games ahead of Seattle and San Francisco, and one has to naturally wonder, how is this possible? My answer? Two quick touchdowns and leaning on your defense for three hours… this has been done before many times. So I’m just going to go ahead and write the Cardinals in as a playoff team. In permanent marker. And then prepare myself for the end of the world.

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Wow,  the Patriots taking on the Colts… a match-up that’s unheard of in modern-day football! Rarely have we seen these two franchises play against each other. Maybe one day, a rivalry can develop between the two, giving all of us an illustrious and storied narrative for which we will be bombarded with ad nauseam. What a future that would be… perhaps we will get a taste of this wonderful new era during this Sunday Night Football match-up? It wasn’t too long ago that we had all fired Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, and we were ready to usher in the era of Jimmy Garoppolo. I don’t know about you, but the epoch of Garoppolo sounds very intriguing. Only because it sounds like a Lost episode. But the Patriots find themselves with a 7-2 record and back to where they usually find themselves, atop the AFC standings. The Colts, despite some defensive hiccups, like Ben Roethlisberger doing whatever he wanted (sounds familiar for some reason…) are still in control of the AFC South. Mostly because the division has the Titans and Jaguars, two teams that are both dedicated in trying to out Jets the Jets and operate the Raider way. With the recent prime time games being terrible, there’s a chance for this to be quite an entertaining game. Which means it’ll be an excruciating three-plus hours of awfulness.

Week 11 Rankings have been updated for today’s games, for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.

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This looks like a stroke. Someone should call a doctor at some point, yes?

Well, Thursday Night Football was once thought of as an offensive onslaught of the mind, soul, and body early in the season. At least, that’s how it accosted me with all those 50-point blow-outs and Phill Simms repeating “Well JEEEEM” ad nauseum. Then there was a two-week reprieve where normal football things occurred. This, obviously, was against nature itself. We now have some kind of ridiculous regression going on, and in the specific case of last night’s game, the Bills and Dolphins entire first half consisted of “let’s drive as close to the goal line without scoring a touchdown”. Spoiler Alert: The Dolphins came out on top in that intriguing game of chicken with twice as many field goals as the Bills… with two field goals. But hey, if you managed to fight off a brain aneurysm to watch the second half, you were rewarded with two Miami touchdowns, Kyle Orton doing very Kyle Orton things, and the refs doing their own homage to the Thursday Night Football derp.

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2014 In-Season Accuracy: 58.20% (25th out of 129 Experts, 60.30% Highest, 48.80% Lowest).

Week 10 Results: 57.20% (68th out of 130 Experts, 66.90% Highest, 48.40% Lowest).

Accuracy Rank Experts Highest Lowest Score +/- Rank +/-
Week 1 61.80% 22 134 66.10% 48.20%
Week 2 54.00% 35 135 61.30% 42.10% -7.80% -13
Week 3 57.40% 88 128 67.10% 44.30% 3.40% -53
Week 4 56.50% 48 128 61.10% 42.80% -0.90% 40
Week 5 56.50% 70 131 69.40% 47.00% 0.00% -22
Week 6 56.30% 27 133 63.10% 41.50% -0.20% 43
Week 7 59.70% 33 132 64.30% 46.50% 3.40% -6
Week 8 56.30% 67 130 64.80% 45.20% -3.40% -34
Week 9 60.30% 23 131 66.00% 46.10% 4.00% 44
Week 9 57.80% 68 130 66.90% 48.40% -2.50% -45
Totals 58.20% 25 129 60.30% 48.80%

And now, your Week 11 Rankings…

Note: These STANDARD and PPR rankings are for this week’s slate of games only.

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So after a Sunday night game that saw the quick dismantling of a fading dumpster fire of a team, we were able to see the exact same thing for Monday Night Football. How charming! It’s times like this when you really wonder if your investments into the local liquor stores are paying off like they should. There was certainly plenty of derp that became easily accessible from Matt Sanchez starting, but despite throwing what should have been an interception early in the game, he was able to do some interesting things with Carolina’s gift-giving. Speaking of which, there’s gift-giving, and then there’s “Here, have my house and everything that’s in it”. Hint, the Panthers did the latter. With a chance to move back into first place in the profoundly terrible NFC South, the Panthers instead allowed Darren Sproles to do whatever tiny things he does. And while the Eagles and Cowboys seemed to be playoff bound, the entire NFC South probably needs a flotation device to keep from drowning. For context, the 1-8 Buccaneers could win three straight and theoretically, based on what the division did, be a lock for the playoffs. That’s some scary sh*t right there.

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Well, that was interesting. But only if you’re a Packers fan. Ben Roethlisberger? This is Aaron Rodgers, and he just escalated the situation by scoring 6 touchdowns and NOT losing to the Jets. Which seems like an insurmountable escalation right there. If you missed it (you probably should have), the Bears once again confirmed that they are a terrible football team. If they didn’t come out after half-time, already losing 0-42, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. I doubt the Packers would have noticed, that’s for sure. But who doesn’t want to make history? So for the first time in 90 years, the Bears have now given up 50 plus points in consecutive games. And the funniest saddest realist part of all this? Oh yeah, that’s right, this is the Bears coming off a bye. Silly Jets fans, and you thought the 2015 first overall draft pick was yours for the taking…

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nflTAT

Ladies and gentlemen: Florida.

Remember the early season hype on the Dolphins? To be honest, I’d probably remember it better if those same people who hyped them up didn’t backtrack faster than a Michael Jackson moonwalk after Miami started the season 2-3. But after winning three straight on the heels of a capable Ryan Tannehill, a functional Lamar Miller, and an underrated defense, we probably have to take them seriously as a possible playoff team. Granted, the three wins were against a Titantic-sinking Bears team, the Jaguars (no adjectives necessary) and a San Diego team that is 93% IR eligible. Thus enters the Detroit Lions and the return of Calvin Johnson. Which I guess also signifies the return of Matthew Stafford to being mediocre instead of just terrible. And while it’s surprising that the Lions have gone 6-2 with such a derpy offense and a running game that matches my walking game, you’d have to think this is the type of match-up that could signify which team is for real. Or maybe not. So I guess it’s just like every other Week 10 game that doesn’t involve the Jags or Bucs, who don’t need to tell us anything. Just go home, both of you are drunk.

Week 10 Rankings have been updated for today’s games, for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?