Soooo, yeah, I got bored. What can I say? Even with such an illustrious life of binge drinking and hanging out with your mom, there are empty spaces to fill. And I give you something that came out of one of those spaces. The thought process here is, (and be careful, you’ll be entering my thoughts, so duck if you see heavy amounts of boobage, or, you know, do your best motorboat impersonation):

“Well, you know what I would really like? Besides a fudgesicle? Actually, that’s all I’d really like. Wait, then I can’t explain my chart. Well… okay, but this is the last favor I’m doing for you. (What, this is how my brain works… kinda makes you wonder why you are even here, right?) So… what I’d like right now, besides fudge in my mouth, is a sort of reference thingamajig and tells me where all my picks will land if I’m picking, let’s say, 5th in a 12-team draft. Where are the rest of my picks? WHERE I ASK YOU! Look at all this internal strife. FUUUUDGE.”

So, you see all that? I needed something to tell me where my picks are, because I react to math like I do canned asparagus. This is a bad thing for all you canned asparagus lovers out there. All three of you. So, here’s a nifty chart-thang that won’t necessarily help you navigate international waters, but might come in handy during your drafts…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Josh Gordon, Aqib Talib

Don’t worry, I got five on it.

Despite pre-season nearly over and the media being inundated with “best shape of my life” stories and covering the on-going suicide watch of the Chiefs defense, there is one story, in particular, that was being watched closely by both the NFL and fantasy football fans alike. And that story was the Indianapolis Colts cutting LaVon Brazil after being suspended for the year after a second drug violation, while Jim Irsay, you know, does his thing. Oh, no, wait, that wasn’t it. The story being watched closely was Janay Rice’s apology for being knocked out and dragged unconscious on the floor by Ray Rice (to be fair, he only carried her two yards before falling down…), with the fallout of this incident being Rice suspended for two games. So I guess one game per one black eye is the going rate these days. Oh, wait, that’s not the story either. No, THE story which is under the NFL and fantasy sports nation’s microscope (it’s bedazzled, because, of course) is the status of Josh Gordon‘s appeal of his one year suspension. We can now all breathe easy and draft accordingly, for there has been a decision…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We are here today to point out the differences between the Razzball rankings and those that Yahoo has released to the masses. (Not to be confused with Yoohoo, which I do all the time. Then again, I usually confuse most things with chocolate drink. Totally normal.) Since we’ve already compared our rankings with ESPN, the next logical step is to have some amazing chocolate drink. Err, see what I mean? IT HAUNTS ME. I meant: the next logical step is to compare our rankings to Yahoo, THEN have some chocolate drink. Exactly. Maybe I’m just thirsty. Or hungry. Or all these things. All of the time.

Note: Obviously, there are going to be some players that ESPN and Yahoo both like that I do not and vica versa, so I’ve avoided players I’ve already covered, because who likes re-runs? I mean, besides Star Trek and Futurama re-runs? Nobody does. Nobody. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Darn straight I’m going to use an exclamation point there. As I alluded to in last week’s RCL update, when I mentioned that a mysterious additional prize shall be announced at a date that remains a mystery, well, my allusions are now over. Illusions too, because I don’t have that type of holographic technology. I believe only Tupac and Star Trek have that power… but don’t worry! Be happy! I totally didn’t just quote a song! But I might have! I’m yelling all of this because we have a new prize to announce! Okay, let’s introduce this thing, seeing as how I have to go search for a throat lozenge. Our friends at Far Out Award have provided you, the Razzball Commentator Player, a wonderful new prize, and that’s an actual Fantasy Football Trophy! Sorry, I’ll stop yelling now. Seriously, this thing is completely what I would imagine a Razzballer having in his or her home. And that’s not to mention the fact that we still have a Bobble Head set up for grabs, along with Razzball t-shirts.

Which brings up another point. Be a RCL commisioner. It’s super easy (I promise), and just a few minutes of work could enter you in for a chance to win a Best Buy gift card. Because any Razzball writer is not eligible, the prize pool is that much smaller, and you could walk away with whatever you kids are buying at Best Buy nowadays. Blu-rays, robots, lasers, drones, who knows. Follow me after the jump for all your RCL details…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sam-Bradford-St.-Louis-Rams

As you may have noticed, there hasn’t been too much pre-season news to take note of this year. I can’t say if it was different last year, mostly because of alcohol. But so far, we’ve had the Andre Brown epic releasing party, which I struggled to even notice. From what I’ve heard, all seven Houston Texan fans didn’t care anyways. There’s also Kansas City, who is trying the unique strategy of possibly going into the season with no secondary at all. We talked a bit about Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, who were going to drive without a DUI, but then they got high. And I know why. Yeah. Yeah. Because they got high… Oh, and don’t forget, we are still on Josh Gordon WATCH!– 2014, in which news should be breaking any second now for the past two weeks. Good thing I’ve started an IV of coffee. Don’t worry, it’s hazelnut flavor. However, if there’s one thing we can be promised during the pre-season (the Kansas City secondary being prime example number one), it’s that injuries happen. And it appears Sam Bradford led the charge this past weekend…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

nfl_a_blount11_600x400

Don’t worry, they sell Fantasy handcuffs at that one store down the street…

I guess this could have been considered breaking news, but I’m still waiting for the NFL to have any kind of self-awareness with Ray Rice only getting a two-game suspension for assault. Silly me! So here I am, in complete awe, as Pennsylvania has basically taught us the best way to handcuff running backs in fantasy football. Both Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount were charged with possession of marijuana following a traffic stop Wednesday afternoon. Apparently there’s also a DUI charge in the works, which seems logical, you know, kill two birds with one stone, etc., and, of course, the NFL is expected to review the incident. Personally, I think they both should have just stayed home and punched their girlfriends.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

ALL THE VAGUENESS. But you’ll just have to trust me. While it’s true that we already have some wonderful prizes (described in detail after the jump), I thought I would take the time out of my day to let you know about one more prize that we are including for this year’s RCL Championship. And that is a mystery prize! OOOO, so exciting. In fact, it’s so mysterious, I’m not technically sure what it’s going to be, but I do know it’s going to be good. (Full disclosure: I actually know what it’s sorta-kinda-maybe going to be, and I think it’s pretty nifty and cool, and since I’m nifty and cool and you’re probably nifty and cool, we might have a similar opinion on such a matter!) The announcement will come out next week, so in the mean time, just trust me and get in on this free action. We are about a quarter way through the drafting phase of the pre-season, with the next three weeks being the “main event”. I actually used air quotes when typing that. The actual typing was done by my forehead and tongue to make my hands free. Impressive, I know. So remember, we are still looking for commissioners and fantasy owners to test their mettle against the entire Razzball family, from the contributors to you, the readers. Everyone is invited! So what are you waiting for? Create or Join a Free Razzball Commentator League today! (Or tomorrow. Or next week. Or, you know, soonish.)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well, this is it, the last required information dump (hehe, dump) for the masses in preparation for your 2014 Fantasy Football Draft. And here it is, the auction values have been released. But I’m guessing you already knew that, because, of well, ^. For those of you who have never played in an auction draft, or for those of you who do nothing but make it rain when you here the words Jamaal and Charles in the same sentence, I’ll go over some pointers so as to facilitate moderate to heavy alcohol consumption without the fear of drafting David Wilson.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, as you may know, or not know, and for those of you who do not know what I know that you know about what we both don’t know… uh, my computer just turned off. But, as I was saying,while having a stroke I guess, I don’t like calling myself an “expert”. Unless we are talking about browsing Redtube.com. I can do that for days. But in terms of fantasy sports, I prefer to just call myself a “writer”. A glorious and complicated descriptor, I’m sure. I have to say though, there are fantasy football experts out there, they do exist. How do I know this? Because that’s what they call themselves, and that’s okay! It’s not like they give degrees out for this stuff (though, they really should have so I would have payed a lot more attention in college…), so it is what it is. And this season, I was invited to take part in an experts league, (which I’m sure will be a surprise if you don’t read post title’s), called “The Fantasy Legends League“. Surprise! And how did your very own Jay do? Follow me after the jump to find out!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

trent-richardson-colts

Hunh? What’s that? Run for more than two yards? LOL.

It was reported some months back that Trent Richardson stated his top priority this off-season was was to learn the Colts’s offensive system. Ya think? Regardless, his results from last season were filed under ‘LOL’. Well, probably not for those who owned him. Then it was filed under ‘Florida’. But at this particular moment, it would be hard for me to really nitpick the projections and rankings going into 2013. He *was* supposed to be that good, and everyone thought so. Even our legendary Sky. I’d be remiss, though, not pointing out there’s audio out there of me stating that Richardson was the second coming of Mark Ingram. Nick the Podcast Radio Host will certainly back that one up. And trust me, I’m not here to say, “Hey, look at how awesome I am for calling Richardson’s season early on.” Because you already know that. But I bring it up because there are relevant question’s to ask based on that Mark Ingram comp– should we have seen this coming? Had he always been overrated? Is there a buy-low opportunity right now? And what should be the title of his sex tape?

Please, blog, may I have some more?