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“I need a new helmet. OMAHA. Yeah, that’s right, my head’s growing at a rapid rate. OMAHA. ROMO. ELWAY. OMAHA. New helmet on one! SET. OMAHA.”

Well, it would be hard for me to analyze this game with an unbiased viewpoint, seeing as how I’m pretty obvious homer. But hey, at least I’m obvious. That being said, I’d have to say that Mike Carey and myself could have probably been best friends. Essentially every decision he called last night was the opposite of what the refs decided, because, let’s be honest here, the officiating was complete sh*t. A crucial special teams fumble by Denver was called back, even though replays clearly showed the ball moving before the player was down, allowing Petyon Manning to drive for a touchdown before the half. In the third quarter, a Philip Rivers interception that was caught on the ground, with movement, was not overturned. A crucial redzone interception by Eric Weddle was called back because of a defensive holding penalty, which, might I add, was way before the 5-yard mark. And then later, a Juwan Thompson touchdown was confirmed, even though he didn’t break the plane… so… whatever. I suppose things like this happen. At the very least, Ronnie Hillman was negated something like 80 fantasy points, and the Broncos seemed more interested in trolling fantasy players than by any other team I’d seen in recent memory. So even though Denver won, I’m pretty sure most of us lost. Including my liver. What can I say? Misery loves company…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Except for 2010, the Chargers or Broncos have won the AFC West every year since 2004, and the other team finished second in seven of those years. Mainly because the Raiders are gonna Raider. The series, as a whole, has been quite the see-saw battle over the decades, starting back to their shared AFL days, all the way to the aforementioned 2004 season. You see, that’s when Philip Rivers came. Which would be the start of seven straight children. Get it? Also there were those nine victories in his first 11 starts against the AFC rival. However, the now Peyton Manning led Broncos have won five of the past six games, and he’s coming off a game where he threw his record-breaking 509th touchdown. While the Chargers defense is missing several key play-makers, most notably in the linebacker corps, and the defensive line, and the secondary, so pretty much everywhere, it remains to be seen if they can limit Manning to double-digit touchdowns. That being said, the Broncos were heavily favored in last year’s Thursday night game and managed to let Rivers and the Chargers offense drive the football in 25 minute increments, most likely a key recipe for tonight not to be a blow out. Just like how my recipe for tonight will be profound alcohol consumption and crying. Whether they are tears of happiness or tears of sadness, well, like always, that’s up to what kind of porn I watch after the game…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Special Note: JB Gilpin has returned! Sorta-kinda. You should know that he runs Razzball Basketball and was kind enough to have me on the podcast over there. Why? Because this is my first year playing Fantasy Basketball (RCLs are still open, join up!), and if you haven’t partaken, you should, um, partake. I was in trouble, like three words in…

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.60% (19th out of 122 Experts, 60.30% Highest, 49.60% Lowest).

Week 7 Results: 59.70% (33rd out of 132 Experts, 64.30% Highest, 46.50% Lowest).

Accuracy Rank Experts Highest Lowest Score +/- Rank +/-
Week 1 61.80% 22 134 66.10% 48.20%
Week 2 54.00% 35 135 61.30% 42.10% -7.80% -13
Week 3 57.40% 88 128 67.10% 44.30% 3.40% -53
Week 4 56.50% 48 128 61.10% 42.80% -0.90% 40
Week 5 56.50% 70 131 69.40% 47.00% 0.00% -22
Week 6 56.30% 27 133 63.10% 41.50% -0.20% 43
Week 7 59.70% 33 132 64.30% 46.50% 3.40% -6
Totals 57.60% 19 122 60.30% 49.60%

And now, your Week 8 Rankings…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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While it’s easy to say that this game didn’t end in a very competitive fashion, it would have been far easier to say that this game actually looked like another lackadaisical loss by the Steelers… well, up until three minutes before the half. Keep in mind that they had already gained only 50 yards in their first 21 plays and the Texans had a 13 point lead up until that point. And then…

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THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT

I’m not joking folks. In the final three minutes of the first half, there were two Texan turnovers and 24 Steeler points. I would recap what exactly happened here, but it require about 2500 words of nuance and waxing something poetic about a Steelers team that I just can’t bring myself to do. (Just to give you a taste, I haven’t seen an ambitious beginning turn into a bloody death since the Apollo Creed vs. Ivan Drago fight in Rocky IV. Nor have I seen such an explosion at Heinz Field since Bane showed up with a megaphone.) So look at it this way… if three minutes of profound competence was good enough for my date the other night, who am I to say that it isn’t good enough for the Steelers?

Note: Hey you guys. You want more balls? And by balls, I mean Razzballs? Of course you do. If life has taught me one thing, it’s that there are never enough balls. Don’t ask. So yeah, you need more balls, we got more balls. Razzball Fantasy Soccer has now officially become a thing. Go check it out if you like more balls. Or, I guess, if you like soccer.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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The word coming out of Pittsburgh is that the Steelers aren’t about to panic, but it should be noted this is what people usually say when they are panicking. In an epic battle between two 3-3 teams (funny story, did you know Seattle is also 3-3?), the Steelers look to rebound from what has been an inconsistent season so far. In this case, whatever Ben Roethlisberger has wanted, did, in actuality, not happen. Maybe the story would be different if their games were played in the bathroom stall? But the next best thing for them is they are on a three-game set at home, starting with the equally inconsistent J.J. Watts, who some people call the Texans. Watt leads the NFL with 20 hits on quarterbacks (please hit Ben a lot tonight), and has 40% of the team’s sacks. What would help is Ryan Fitzpatrick showing more of that Fitzmagic. Err, wait, that magic has actually led to a 58.9 passer rating, so maybe less magic here bro. But keep the beard. Trying to figure out if you’re a confederate general from the Civil War, or the lead singer of the Spin Doctors is the only thing that entertains me when you’re trying to drive the football. It’s Monday Night Football, so it’ll be interesting to see if my television can survive the Chris Berman onslaught combined with Steve Young’s hot takes. Trying to figure out what Wes Welker snuck into Jon Grudan’s water is also high on my priority list.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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I thought trading away Percy Harvin was going to solve all your problems? Well, I guess trading away one of your best weapons doesn’t exactly solve terrible play-calling, subpar offensive line play, and very un-special teams play. So, despite the faulty narrative that I’m sure will be thrown about, here we are, CONDITION CRIMSON RED, also the color of Tom Coughlin’s face. As was alluded to early yesterday, imagining an outcome such as this was a fools errand, but it wouldn’t have been the craziest thing to think that the Rams could pull off the upset. And while it took wild and boner inducing events (which is also my pet name for your mom) to take place, the impossible was suddenly possible, and the 2013 Super Bowl champions are now 3-3. Said events (we’ll call them “Cialis”) included a hilarious punt return where Tavon Austin lined up on the left side of the field for the return, and acted like he was about to catch the ball, which drew in the entire Seahawks special teams unit, cameraman in full tow, and then this happened…

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Later in the game, with Seattle needing a big stop for another chance at the win, Tre Mason broke through for a first down on 3rd-and-1, icing the game right then and there, until he was stripped. The ball bounced forward, was covered by a Rams lineman, only to pop out again and be seemingly recovered by Seattle. Replays did show Richard Sherman on top of the ball for a moment, but “technically” there wasn’t enough to overturn the officials call which had rewarded the possession to the Rams. That’s two straight losses for Seattle, a team which is now sitting at .500 on the season. Look on the bright side Seahawks fans. After this third loss, the band wagon crowd should be displeased enough to go away. Not as effective as a meteor, but it’ll have to do.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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If I could describe this game in two words, they would be: Brett Favre. Or, as some pronounce it: Brett Fahhhhhhrvve. And if I could describe this game with more than two words, it would just be Brett Favre typed out a bunch of times. You should actually thank me, as I’m preparing you mentally for what will be a barrage of Peyton Manning/Brett Favre comparisons, graphics, anecdotes, and overall jaw stretching for those two quarterbacks during Sunday Night Football. If you were buried under a rock all weekend (which, if you were, maybe stay there?), you should know that Peyton Manning is just two touchdown passes away from matching the aforementioned Brett Favre for the NFL record. In what should be a pretty entertaining game, two of the winningest (is that a word?) teams since 2012 will face off, only be to overshadowed by a retired player who sends d*ck pics to ask women out. Why not just stick to trying to sell them your jeans? The 49ers have surprisingly and quietly won three straight after starting the season exactly how Seattle appears to be ending it, including a season-high 432 offensive yards against the Rams. Then again, it was against the Rams… who actually beat Seattle earlier today, so really, I have no idea what to think of the NFC West anymore. It’s weird.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Despite coming off a pretty thrilling victory over last year’s Super Bowl champs, the Cowboys won’t convince me of anything until they actually do some winning in December. But until then, a game against their fellow NFC East neighbors, the Giants, should be exactly the type of game Dallas would normally just sh*t on in past years. Coming off a convincing win against a favored opponent, anchoring the afternoon viewing slot, against a division rival… these are all the perfect set of ingredients needed for epic Cowboy derp. Of course, while this seems like a recipe that has worked so well (or not so well, I guess) in the past, I’m willing to at least admit that this year does look a bit different for the Cowboys. Especially when the Giants have their own problems, losing Victor Cruz for the season (with his career is in possible jeopardy) along with a shut out loss (0-27) against the Eagles last week. Still, based on both these team’s past history, you’d have to think this game will have plenty of WTF and LOL, no matter the outcome. So consider me excited.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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While I would have normally highlighted other potentially entertaining match-ups like the Bengals vs. Colts or the Panthers vs. Packers, or maybe even the Browns vs. Jaguars (HAHA, just kidding) in the lede, the Percy Harvin trade heard around the world is still fresh on our minds, still pungent from the smell of crazy. Reports (the Seattle PR machine was revved up and ready to go apparently) have already surfaced about how disgruntled Harvin was, including mentions of past conflicts with Russell Wilson and getting into fistacuffs with Golden Tate. (But when it comes to punching Golden Tate, my question is: who wouldn’t?) Despite all the headlines, the game still looks to be a safe win, as there usually isn’t anything to fear from an 1-4 team that’s being led by one best quarterbacks in the NFL when measuring profound mediocrity. However, Harvin is one less offensive weapon the Seahawks will have coming off a fascinating loss to the Cowboys, and if Seattle finds some way to lose this one, the potential schadenfreude would be orgasmic. It should be noted, while I would consider the chances of losing to the hapless Rams about the same as Olivia Wilde touching my bathing suit areas, that St. Louis has historically done well against Seattle when at home, and generally played pretty well against the 49ers last week. It’s enough to where I’m still getting my popcorn (and alcoholic beverages) ready for this one.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Hunh? Yeah, that was my exact reaction. And I would have typed this up sooner, but it’s Friday and my typing gets noticeably slower when there’s a drink in one hand, and a bottle in the other. But we all make sacrifices, especially for a story that will assuredly shock everyone… the Seattle Seahawks have agreed to trade Percy Harvin to the New York Jets for a 2015 conditional pick, which will range from a second-to-fourth round pick.

Please, blog, may I have some more?