So, the NFL is cancelling the season after Monday Night Football in tribute to Aaron Rodgers, right? His injury is clearly worse than 9-11, if you are to believe the outpouring of melancholy media ejaculate yesterday. Not that they don’t have a reason. Losing one of the NFL’s most marketable players for selling insurance not only leaves us just with Peyton Manning and J.J. Watt (who died last week) to hawk stupid sh*t, but also allows the Packers to show how terrible Brett Hundley is at quarterbacking. Football sure knows how to expand it’s market share! And I realize there’s already a lot of hype building for signing Colin Kaepernick, which if we’re writing seriously (rare, I know) makes some sense, but I feel like a sports organization has to do triage for these situations with a bit more vigor. So I’ve come up with a strategy, a “plan of attack” if you will, that I believe the Packers are considering right this very moment:

  • Plan A – Send feelers out about signing Colin Kaepernick to gauge the reactions from fans and media. Invest in the TIKI torch brand if signing takes place. If not, move to Plan “B”.
  • Plan B – Beg Tony Romo to leave the booth. If Romo says yes, move to “Plan XXIV” when he gets injured in his first game back. If Romo says no, move to “Plan XXIV”.
  • Plan XXIV – WHERE IS MATT FLYNN? If found, give him more free money. If not, give him more free money and move to the next plan.
  • Plan LOL – Trade for Jay Cutler, since he has the most experience throwing to Packers receivers. If Miami says no, move to the last plan.
  • Plan OMFG – Tim Tebow time! Because at this point, why the ef not?

The NFC North is gonna otherwise be ceded to a team that got blown out by the Saints yesterday. But yeah, darn shame about Rodgers… now that I’ve confirmed the Chargers don’t play Green Bay later this season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Ezekiel Elliott owners are still shaking off their own CTE issues from this week’s shocking yet not so shocking (which makes this mildly shocking I guess?) news that the Fifth Circuit Court upheld Elliott’s six-game suspension. I hadn’t heard screams that loud and high-pitched since David Johnson was put on the IR. While Matt did a fantastic job covering the breaking Zeke news this week, I wanted to make sure and shed some light on who it actually is that’s playing with all of our collective livers…

The Fifth Circuit isn’t just a very conservative court — 10 of its 15 active judges are Republican appointees — it also includes some of the most unapologetic and ideological conservative judges in the country. Five Fifth Circuit judges joined an opinion saying that a man could be executed even though his lawyer slept through much of his trial. The court once sanctioned a high school cheerleader after she sued the school that told her to cheer for her alleged rapist. Its former chief judge was recently under investigation for allegedly claiming that African Americans and Hispanics are predisposed to violent crime. [Source.]

So yeah, this doesn’t really count as political content, simply because after reading that paragraph, I don’t really care that they’re conservatives in this context, only that they’re spiteful idiots. It’s like probably not even in the top-1000 decisions that this circuit has made out of Jerkdom. Which is either a kingdom full of jerks or beef jerky. IT CAN’T BE BOTH PEOPLE. Regardless, the NFLPA will ask for a full panel rehearing of the case through the court’s appeals process, which means Zeke plays for now. Next week?

Hold on, I think I hear some more screaming…

Here’s your updated Razzball Fantasy Football Rankings for Week 6 (STD, Half-PPR, PPR, IDP) including our updated Staff Consensus, Player Status Updates, and an opportunity to ask those all so important roster questions to myself, MB, and Zach in the commentary section!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tired of clicking multiple links just to look up where one of our writers ranked Gerald Everett? Wondering who Gerald Everett is? Good, because I’m with you on both counts! With MB and Zach providing the Razzball readers with their own rankings (a contrarian consensus, as I like to say, to pretend I’m clever), we’re going to provide our 2017 Fantasy Football Staff Rankings for the first time ever, a place where you can find all of our weekly rankings in one spot! The players will be sorted by our average ranking, providing you a great way to see how the Razzball Staff feels (questions posted in our comment section will be answered by all ranking writers!), and it’ll also provide our specific rankings so you know how each of us feel about a player. So many feels, so little time. Follow us after the jump for your Official 2017 Razzball Staff Rankings for Week 6!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
2017 Accuracy Rank QB RB WR TE K DST IDP
Week 5 90 81 86 73 73 84 88 11
Week 4 24 10 67 72 98 37 62 3
Week 3 29 42 66 56 51 18 34 7
Week 2 76 79 96 25 64 18 95 7
Week 1 7 6 43 28 62 35 62 6
Cumulative 31 14 78 35 24 28 74 7
2016 Accuracy Rank QB RB WR TE K DST IDP
Weekly Rankings 9 31 5 27 40 9 4
Draft Rankings 3 66 10 7 23 66 112

After a few weeks of solid results and hanging out in the top-20’s, another middling week returns. While this happens about three times a year on average, I can admit that last week was pretty bizarre for me. I joked in my review that the only thing I did learn from Week 5 football is that I don’t understand football, but perhaps there’s a foundation of truth there. Running backs still confound me, almost as much as Joe Flacco’s eyebrows. And while the season, especially the Fantasy Football season still has a ways to go, playoffs should be on everyone’s mind…

Week 6 Rankings for Standard, Half-PPR, PPR and IDP leagues are right after the jump! (And our Rest of Season rankings have been updated and can be found here!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

First they came for David Johnson, and I did not speak out – Because I did not draft him. Then they came for Allen Robinson, and I did not speak out — Because I did not care about the Jaguars. Then they came for Greg Olson, and I did not speak out — Because he was just a tight end. Then they came for Odell Beckham Jr. — and there was no one left that could medically attend to my liver and rescue my fantasy team. Exactly how hurt is OBJ? Well, despite bringing out one of those weird curtains that they break out when a horse goes down on the track before carting him off the field… I’d say not good. It’s a broken leg (I guess I could have GIF’d the injury, but nothing is as cringe-inducing as watching a human body part break in slow motion… and all of our uncles drunk at Thanksgiving), so one first has to ask, how do we define “broken”? Well, I’m no doctor, but experts have told me (i.e. I know how to Google) that it was his fibula and that an MRI to check for ligament damage took place earlier today, but one thing’s for certain (unless Ian Rapport is involved), OBJ is gone for a while. (Along with the rest of the Giants receivers. Seriously, read the injury report further down after the jump… I feel like stigmata is next.) I still have to ask though, for the sake of my aforementioned liver… If Odell Beckham can catch with one hand, can’t he run on one ankle?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As we enter the second quarter of the season (so meta!), many questions have been answered. The Browns? Yeah, still the Browns. I actually think we’re in era of “peak” Browns, but I’m not even sure that factory of sadness has an off button. In fact, production of sadness seems to be steadily increasing, so there’s that I suppose? The Jets? Well, the Giants are doing worse, so there’s that I guess. We now know what the Colts are capable of when their one good player gets injured. Four times (can the aforementioned Giants add a fifth?) there has been the proper amount of schadenfreude served to Dean Spanos. I’d say the Bears are who we thought they were. (RIP Dennis Green. My hero.) And the Seahawks are celebrating their centennial anniversary of having a sh*tty offensive line. Plenty of answers so far, but it’s still somewhat early in the season and some questions still remain. Will Todd Gurley father my children? How are the Panthers in first with a 3-1 record when Cam Newton still doesn’t have a working shoulder? Are the Cowboys the best mediocre team in the NFL? Can the AFC North just explode instead of sending teams to the playoffs? And my god, how are the Eagles 3-1? I can’t promise that these poignant questions will be answered today, or even a week from now, or even another month… well, actually, the Todd Gurley fathering my children one, it just depends how much affinity his legal team has for restraining orders. You’ll know when I know folks!

Here’s your updated Razzball Fantasy Football Rankings for Week 5 (STD, Half-PPR, PPR, IDP) including our updated Staff Consensus, Player Status Updates, and an opportunity to ask those all so important roster questions to myself, MB, and Zach in the commentary section!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tired of clicking multiple links just to look up where one of our writers ranked Gerald Everett? Wondering who Gerald Everett is? Good, because I’m with you on both counts! With MB and Zach providing the Razzball readers with their own rankings (a contrarian consensus, as I like to say, to pretend I’m clever), we’re going to provide our 2017 Fantasy Football Staff Rankings for the first time ever, a place where you can find all of our weekly rankings in one spot! The players will be sorted by our average ranking, providing you a great way to see how the Razzball Staff feels (questions posted in our comment section will be answered by all ranking writers!), and it’ll also provide our specific rankings so you know how each of us feel about a player. So many feels, so little time. Follow us after the jump for your Official 2017 Razzball Staff Rankings for Week 5!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
2017 Accuracy Rank QB RB WR TE K DST IDP
Week 4 24 10 67 72 98 37 62 3
Week 3 29 42 66 56 51 18 34 7
Week 2 76 79 96 25 64 18 95 7
Week 1 7 6 43 28 62 35 62 6
Cumulative 17 8 71 28 20 22 67 4
2016 Accuracy Rank QB RB WR TE K DST IDP
Weekly Rankings 9 31 5 27 40 9 4
Draft Rankings 3 66 10 7 23 66 112
3-Year Average Rank QB RB WR TE K DST IDP
2014-2016 21 37 28 22 42 16 33

Another solid week in accuracy, though a trend of middling results is emerging in the running back category. You mean to say that a position I hate this year because of it’s lack of overall depth and surprising results with a usual dose of soul-crushing injuries is something I’ve been having a hard time getting a full grasp of? Say it ain’t so! Regardless, we’re here for you during the most important month of Fantasy Football, the one that makes or breaks your team! DUN DUN DUNH! (I’m not sure if that’s how you spell it, but phonetically, I think it works.)

Week 5 Rankings for Standard, Half-PPR, PPR and IDP leagues are right after the jump! (And our Rest of Season rankings have been updated and can be found here!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I haven’t seen a Carr get sacked like that since I rubbed my nuts all over the hood of my ex’s new boyfriend’s Civic…

For your own notes, I was also considering “Carr Trouble” as the title of today’s recap, but I figured I’d just go full year 2000 (Y2K baby!). Raiders quarterback David Derek Carr left with a back injury suffered late in the third quarter versus the Broncos yesterday and did not return, forcing Jack Del Rio to ask “Is this Carr still covered under the manufacturer warranty?”. Look guys, the automobile puns are endless, so just deal. So now that the E.J. Manuel experience began anew yesterday, I guess this means I can’t read any Raiders hot takes for the next week or so. Granted, 2-2 is not a terrible record when you’ve played three of your first four games on the road, but I doubt the fans will see that. As SON said on this past-week’s pod, their time is now (adding Marshawn Lynch and the top-dollar money thrown at the team’s high-profile offensive line, both Cooper and Crabtree on the roster, etc.) and losing your starting quarterback, even if he is an Alex Smith clone with Joe Flacco eyebrows, is a playoff killer. Del Rio did tell reporters that his back injury did not seem serious, officially labeled as “back spasms” and that Carr’s set to go next week, but a quarterback playing through a back injury? Let’s ask Tony Romo about how he feels about that. Regardless, this is the weirdest week of football I’ve seen in a while (since last week), so let’s get those GIFs, hot takes, and other relevant (more like irrelevant) content into your laps! (Because where else should content go? RAWR.)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Another week, another London game… it’s almost as if the NFL is interested in the market and has slowly, yet assuredly gone with the turtle strategy in building European hype the only way they know how: sending the Jaguars ad nauseum. But not this week! No, instead they will get the Saints and the Dolphins, which is actually the start of a great parable. (I think? I’m as atheist as they come, and we don’t have bibles. I mean, we do, it’s just a piece of paper with these sage words written via sharpie: You’re f*cked son.) Speaking of which, rumor has it that Dean Spanos has been really regretting moving my Chargers to Los Angeles, to which I say: k. So, separating my weekly AND obligatory Chargers rant (my therapist says it’s a good idea), we are in Week 4, and with that comes the color of pink, playoffs talk, and Cleveland forgetting they have a football team. But fear not Cleveland, you have the Jets as company! Can the Falcons move to 4-0? Can the Bengals actually win a game this year, or are they feeling like the entire season is Wild Card weekend? Will people actually want to watch the Colts and Seahawks in prime time? And finally, how many shots of Pike’s Place will we endure? The answers to these questions and more after the jump! (Actually, I can’t technically answer most of those questions, Week 4 of football will do that, but, uh, we do have answers to some things! I think?)

Here’s your updated Razzball Fantasy Football Rankings for Week 4 (STD, Half-PPR, PPR, IDP) including our Staff Consensus, player updates, and an opportunity to ask those all so important roster questions to myself, MB, and Zach in the comment section!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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