Ray Lewis, Ray Rice

The Ray’s gonna Ray, amiright?

Razzball is usually known for humorous, pun-filled titles that tickle you in all the right places. And at first glance, you may have gone “Jay, where’s the funny brah?”, so I should state for the record that the title actually is a joke. Announced by the league yesterday afternoon, Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice has been suspended for the first two games of the 2014 season for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy following his off-season arrest for domestic violence (from Rice’s altercation with then-fiancée Janay Palmer at an Atlantic City hotel in February, full story here). When the news broke on this in February, I had some thoughts on the matter, and since I try to use my brain at least a few times a day (no promises), I have even more thoughts following yesterday’s news. ALL THE THOUGHTS.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

NFL: Tennessee Titans-OTA

“Could somebody hold one of my balls?”

Last season, Kendall Wright had 94 receptions for 1,079 yards with 2 touchdowns. Yes, you read that correctly. Just two. That is not Kendall Wright, rather, it’s Kendall Wrong. Bold pun strategy there, I know. Simply magical. Now that I got that out of my system, you should know there are quite a few reasons why Wright is underrated. He’s a 5’10″ receiver, which translates into a smaller target in terms of the red zone, and his yards after the catch potential has been limited. Add in the fact that the Titan’s quarterback position is questionable, on the surface, you have a  guy that only has 6 career touchdowns spanning 26 games with a mediocre supporting cast. Yes, even after telling you all of that, you still need to buy. Why, may you ask? And you probably should, seeing as how I specifically tailored the rest of this post based on that assumption. Then again, I’m basically having a conversation with myself pretending that you are asking me something when the lack of time-travel and telepathy specifically does not allow this…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

460x

Pfft, what is that? Just a four-pack? I got a six-pack son, and mine are drinkable. ADVANTAGE ME.

There’s a whole lotta talking going on about Tre Mason and his eventual coup against Zac Stacy. While this tandem has held some of the pre-season fantasy football spotlight since the NFL draft, I think we should be more concerned about a coup in St. Louis. What are the global economic ramifications here from this shift in power? And will this historic event cause an intrinsic shift in the geopolitical system that St. Louis is not at all part of? What about the Ozarks in general? Are they no longer going to be highlands full of abandoned El Caminos? I have no idea, but I will say that Zac Stacy’s impending doom seems to be blown way out of proportion lately. But not by me. Totally not. I mean, there are an average of 258 coup’s a minute. (Note: I’m not good with numbers.)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

fantasy252bfootball_dcd6f8_902752

What this picture presupposes is, maybe it should be?

Welcome to the first installment of our Draft Strategy series. This journey will help prepare you for Draft day, and will likely also be filled with an assortment of snacks ranging from TWIX® candy bars and FUNYUNS®, basically what I like to call breakfast. And don’t tell me why they’re written all in caps. That’s their official “name”, so I can only assume that we are meant to shout it out every time, which, now that I think of it, seems totally natural. Q: “What are you hungry for?” A: “TWIX MOTHER F*CKER!” See what I mean? Regardless, this opening salvo of strategic knowledge (everything sounds better when weaponized) is focused for those of you who have no idea what fantasy football is or what it does. A Beginners Guide to Fantasy Football, if you will. And listen, don’t be afraid of being the noob, that’s not a derogatory title for me. It can be derogatory, but for those who do use it as a negative descriptor, just remember, they were noobs once too. We all have to start somewhere, and yes, that means you. Which is probably your mom’s basement. And if that’s the case, you’ve completed half the journey, some would say.

So, you want to play fantasy football? Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

levine_toilolo

Kinda looks like when I eat a baked potato. Needs more chives though.

Levine Toilolo, or, as I often call him, Tin Foil Tofu, which sounds half-edible, is a 6’8″, 260-pound tight end. Which makes me think that his thighs are bigger than my head. While normally that would be enough to convince me to keep track of him in fantasy football this year, I feel like there should be other reasons. Not just food and thigh related, ya know? So let’s go over some superfluous reasons of why he is a sleeper for the upcoming 2014 season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2014 Rankings: Top-200 | Top-200 (PPR) | Top-200 (Half-PPR) | QBRB | RB (PPR)WR | WR (PPR) | TE | TE (PPR) | K | DST |

As stated in the Standard Top-200 Overall Rankings, this is not a mock draft, nor are theses rankings based on 2013 stats. This is a list of guys I like. Maybe I have a crush on them, and to be honest, I wouldn’t mind going on a date with them. Because what’s this life for if people aren’t buying you dinner? Trust me, it’s worth nothing. And yes, there will be things you like about the things I like. There will be things you dislike about the things I like. And there will me saying ‘things’ too much. In retrospect, the word ‘like’ shows up a bit too much as well. And there will déjà vu from the Standard Top-200 lede, because of the modern wonder known as copy and paste, but hey, you can’t win them all. But you can win some. And you might lose some. No clue where I’m going at this point. ALL THE DIGRESSION. So yeah…

Note: These rankings are for PPR Leagues with 12 teams. Remember, this is not where I would draft these players necessarily, but where I think their end of season value will place them. And the tiers aren’t really tiers here. They also are not tears. C’mon buddy. They are just friendly bookmarks to represent the rounds in a draft. Thank me later. Actually, no, thank me now. NOW.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2014 Rankings: Top-200 | Top-200 (PPR) | Top-200 (Half-PPR) | QBRB | RB (PPR)WR | WR (PPR) | TE | TE (PPR) | K | DST |

We have finally arrived, and all I can say is, man, I gotta go to the bathroom. Crazy long trip, this was. That was my Yoda-typing. It about, you must think. Okay, I’m going to stop, it just looks like I’m having a stroke. Anyhow, look at this long journey we’ve been on together, and finally, we have arrived at the pinnacle moment where all the blood, sweat, and tears (aka– my last relationship), have accumulated to bring you not just 10, not just 50, not just 100, nope, that’s right… we’ve brought you 200 names ranked in the order of who I want on my fantasy team this upcoming season. Remember, this is not a mock draft, nor are they rankings based on 2013 stats. This is a list of guys I like. Maybe I have a crush on them, and to be honest, I wouldn’t mind going on a date with them. Because what’s this life for if people aren’t buying you dinner? Trust me, it’s worth nothing. And yes, there will be things you like about the things I like. There will be things you dislike about the things I like. And there will me saying ‘things’ too much. But that’s okay. Because we can all agree on this– Jamarcus Russell is terrible at football. But not at eating. Good for him.

Note: These rankings are for Standard Leagues with 12 teams. Remember, this is not where I would draft these players necessarily, but where I think their end of season value will place them. And the tiers aren’t really tiers here. They also are not tears. C’mon buddy. They are just friendly bookmarks to represent the rounds in a draft. Thank me later. Actually, no, thank me now. NOW.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2014 Rankings: Top-200 | Top-200 (PPR) | Top-200 (Half-PPR) | QBRB | RB (PPR)WR | WR (PPR) | TE | TE (PPR) | K | DST |

Well, this is it folks. We are nearing the end of what was a glorious and scrumptious set of weeks going over the bulk of our fantasy rankings. Coincidentally, glorious and scrumptious is how I’m described at most dinner parties. With a hint of lilac and ginger. So I’m basically a hot tea. Hot tea. Hottie. HUUUUUUR. Anyways, you should give me a dollar for these set of rankings. Why? So I can give you some quarters back…? I’m simply on fire here. No, I’m serious. It’s the District and we’re in the unbearable humid stage of summer. So I literally need to stick a fire extinguisher between my thighs to prevent chaffed rashes and combustion. It’s like the forest from Fern Gully down there.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2014 Rankings: Top-200 | Top-200 (PPR) | Top-200 (Half-PPR) | QBRB | RB (PPR)WR | WR (PPR) | TE | TE (PPR) | K | DST |

One could argue that no other position is affected most by PPR than the running back position. My response would be, why are we arguing bro? I agree with you! While wide receiver and tight end rankings are obviously affected by receptions, running backs are still the cream of the crop when it comes to the fantasy draft. And the PPR curveball (baseball metaphor in a football post? Dangerous and exciting…) certainly sends massive tidal waves that would surely kill some dinosaurs. But only if said tidal wave was caused by an asteroid hitting Earth. And if the tidal wave was actually a tsunami. And if it was 230 million years ago. But that’s besides the point, but not really, because President Reagan cut taxes like a velociraptor, so we know they existed recently. Science bro. But yeah. What were we talking about again?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Breaking news folks! Well, look, there’s really nothing else going on at the moment around the NFL, so why not embellish a bit with the first big news story related to fantasy football since New England targeted week five for Rob Gronkowski‘s season-ending injury. What is labeled a “groundbreaking” decision, an arbitrator has denied Jimmy Graham‘s request to officially be declared a wide receiver under the NFL’s franchise-tag rules. No word on what exactly they are going to be building after this groundbreaking ceremony, but my guess is, it’ll be a Great Pyramid of Giza-sized statue of Roger Goodell.

Please, blog, may I have some more?