Greetings! Oh how I wonder… will the Elder Gods bless me this week? Will they take the six pounds of Mexican schwag as a gift in place of my usual animal sacrifice, or will they rain piss down upon me as if they were R. Kelly (only if he had a full grown African elephant chonger) for not coming correct with some high-grade blueberry kush? Only time will tell, but what is time really anyway? Just a creative way of recording our meaningless existence on this earth as we build this fascinating technology-driven world, only for us to be eventually wiped out like the courageous dinosaurs before us, obliterated like krill being sucked up by a massive blue whale. Oh, to be young again. Building forts, playing General Chaos on Sega Genesis, catching frogs, measuring dick… And what is life now? Fantasy football? Help me.
I am Lord Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take head!
Players the Lord Believes will Thrive in Week 7:
Aaron Rodgers – The A-Rod haters are out in full force and quite honestly, they need to be gagged, bagged, and dumped in the river. I don’t condone murder but this is ridiculous. I don’t have the time or the patience to listen to losers that say Rodgers just isn’t good anymore. Did you witness that playoff game against Arizona last year which he should have single handily won if the rest of his team wasn’t utter gutter trash? This man can fling it with the best of them and I GUARANTEE YOU he brings it this week against Chicago. I’m thinking 400 yards and a minimum of four touchdown passes. This is going to get filthier than the 2 Girls 1 Cup sequel I made with Ralph last week, where we ran for the border and gorged ourselves on savory Taco Bell and chased it with a bottle of turbo lax for fast effective relief. Should be online soon. Anyway, Rodgers is my top QB play this week and his brother is a complete tool.
Colin Kaepernick – This Tampa defense is still softer than Danny Tanner, so I’m expecting over 200 yards passing and 80 yards rushing with a minimum of two scores. Could be a MONSTER day. Needs to be in at least one of you 500 DFS lineups which you created, which is cheating because you have a bigger bank roll. Shoot, why didn’t I ever do that when I got away with playing, even though I live in Washington? I’m a Lord. I certainly could have afforded it, but I was a shook one. Shout out to Mobb Deep and all that. Blaaaat!
Todd Gurley – The Giants have been pretty solid against the run thus far, but the Rams are at home and Gurley is frothing at the mouth for a breakout performance. Fantasy analysts everywhere have already downgraded young Toddler, for which they should be whipped in public. The breakout is happening, folks. On Sunday. Go to church first and pray if you must. Just don’t get to close to the priest if you noticed stretch marks on the alter boy’s buttocks in the pregame showers.
Jamaal Charles – Every week, Charles get healthier and more explosive… Oh yeah, and they’re playing the Saints, a defense that gets ran through like Siegfried after Roy watches the film 300. This is madness! No, that’s Roy’s drill-bit grinding at a literally eye-popping depth.
Knile Davis – If any FantasyPros ranker has Knile higher than me this week, please alert me immediately, for I will need to bump him higher. This is my gift to you all. Davis goes for over a hundo and a score this week against the pop-gun defense of the Chicago Care Bears. Say one thing for John Fox, say he’s a mediocre head coach.
Mike Evans – With Vincent Jackson out for the season, Evans should lead the NFL in targets the rest of the season without question. I like some of the players in the Niners secondary but we just witnessed Tygod eating them like fresh sloppy joes last weekend and I expect more meat to be eaten this upcoming Sunday, and I’m not talkin’ tube steak.
Jeremy Maclin – If Maclin is EVER going to break out this season, then it will be this weak against the New Orleans Saints, the team with arguably the worst defense I’ve EVER witnessed. Seriously, if you combined the Hilton Sisters with the Kardashian sisters and put them all butts up at a BET awards after party, you still wouldn’t witness the kind of shredding the Saints take on a weekly basis. Truly. Honestly.
Jimmy Graham – The Cardinals are historically bad against tight ends and Graham has become Russell Wilson’s favorite target…..Are the Cardinals actually still bad against tight ends or am I still living in 2013? Yes, the good old days. Back when a dime back cost ten bucks, you know what I mean Vern? Either way, Jimmy is a wild stallion and he cannot be tamed by this overrated Cardinals secondary. I’m expecting two scores and a twist.
Julius Thomas – Call it a hunch, but the Raiders defense is piggier than Khloe Kardashian before the 45 plastic surgery procedures she’s endured over the last ten years, and Julius is so god damn due, it’s disgusting. Shout out to Khloe tho. She’s invited to a pig roast at Beddict manor any day of the week.
Players the Great Lord Beddict Believes will Disappoint in Week 7:
Carson Palmer – Oh Carson, what’s happened to thee? Don’t purge your blowhole just because Palmer SORT OF looked decent against the worst team in football, the New York Jets this past Monday night. If Michael Bennett and Frank Clark are healthy I fully expect the Hawks to picking the Arizona pigeon gristle out of their teeth after this massacre on National television. Witness!
Carson Wentz – Opie has really been struggling lately and this week he gets the most fearsome defense the national football league has to offer. I’m concerned. Stay away.
Tyrod Taylor – LMAO. Just kidding. I almost had you.
Matt Forte – Is it just me or does Forte look like that 55-year-old ripped dude at the gym who still hoops, but has to stretch for 35 minutes before and after the games and doesn’t seem to realize he’s no longer good and has no business on the court. Stick this guy on an elliptical in a corner somewhere and leave him.
Ryan Mathews – This Vikings defense is truly something of another world…And Ryan Mathews is just an average running back. I’ll let you do the math on this one, for I don’t have the brain power to properly display in writing the ineptitude Mathews has shown throughout his career when matching up with hard hitting defenses. Sad!
Michael Floyd – Even though Floyd somehow always kills the Seahawks, this former first rounder turned peasant has become a complete non-factor in the Cardinal offense in what is his walk year. That’s right, instead of being a man like Tiger Woods, and training with Navy Seals this past offseason, Floyd was prancing around his Arizona mansion, professing his love to the skank who’s going to leave him after he secures an NFL minimum salary next season. What a time to be alive.
Doug Baldwin – It pains me deeper than Beluga whale D to place my boy Dougie in this section but Patrick Peterson should be draped all over him like white on rice on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I fully expect Jimmy Graham and Tyler Lockett to feast like a stoned Roseanne during Thanksgiving feast. Seahawks with another easy win.
Zach Ertz & Tyler Eifert – These two have always been one and the same to me; They’re both white, both from the same draft class and are more accident prone than a drunk Michael Lohan. I truly cannot fathom owning one of these perennial disappointments. What’s it like? Yes, I realize Eifert went green eggs and HAM last season, but these guys spend more time on the shelf than a Fleshlight at Elton John’s beach crib. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. It’s an honor to serve you. Truly. Honestly. Please leave your comments and questions below as they shall all be answered with great thought and with gentleman etiquette. Let’s chat later.