Week 2 of the NFL season was like a visit to Bizarro World in the old Superman comics or, for those not comically inclined, the Seinfeld episode where Elaine meets Bizarro Jerry. She had man hands! Those not familiar with the term please note what the scholarly website Uncyclopedia says: “Bizarro World is a situation or setting which is weirdly inverted or opposite of expectations.” In Bizarro World, Bizarro Budweiser tastes like Heineken, Bizarro KFC is made from real live chickens and Bizarro Tim Tebow is a right-handed-pot smoking-antichrist that actually completes passes. What in the name of Lex Luther occurred in our Bizarro Fantasy Football World last week? Philip Rivers played like a de-bearded Dan Fouts, Eddie Royal was catching passes like a goggleless John Jefferson and James Starks morphed into Paul Hornung on a hot streak. If you suffered through an unearthly Sunday, you’re not alone. Half of the top 6 fantasy scorers last week are less than 50% owned across most leagues. If you were one of the 2% that started Charles Clay on Sunday, I surrender my turban to you. Maybe you should be writing this, Bizarro Guru. It’s time to jam it or cram it.
Availability: 62% Yahoo, 82% ESPN
Stat Me Up: Smith completed 21-of-36 passes for 223 yards with two touchdowns and no interceptions. He also picked up 57 yards running. Smith is Bizarro RGIII.
$$$ Value: $2. I’m greedy with my fantasy bucks and prefer to spend my dollars in the office vending machine. Mmmm…pizza flavored Combos.
The Gist: Whether you’re desperate for a quarterback or are in a two-QB league, Alex Smith may be a better option than at first glance. Through the first two games, Smith is 42-70 for 396 yards, 4 TD’s and no turnovers.
The X-File: Smith is averaging just 5.7 yards per attempt this season. Andy Reid offenses can be best described as the dink and the dunk. That’s also how my mother refers to my brother and I.
Jam it or Cram it: Maybe it’s the dreamy matchup against Philly and its weak secondary Thursday night, maybe it’s Andy Reid’s big red sweater, but Smith is worth a serious look this week. I’m not ready to make him a QB1 yet, but them Eagles looks tasty and any good American knows eagles taste just like dolphin. JAM
Availability: 89% Yahoo, 82% ESPN
Stat Me Up: Starks rolled for 132 yards and a touchdown on 20 carries. He also chipped in 44 yards on 5 receptions
$$$ Value: $2. If Starks is the primary back next week, his value will go up a bit. If Eddie Lacy is locked in a dark room with a drool cup until Christmas, Starks value sky rockets.
The Gist: After taking over for the concussed Lacy, Starks became the first Packer to run for over a 100 yards in 44 games. With just one big game under his belt, Starks will likely, maybe, perhaps, no one is really sure, get another starting chance when the Packers travel to Cincinnati Sunday.
The X-File: Starks totaled just 255 yards all of last season.
Jam it or Cram it: Green Bay has a relatively tough matchup next week against the Cincinnati Bengals, followed by a bye week. Unless Lacy is wandering around Green Bay thinking he’s Curly Lambeau, he should be back by Week 5. CRAM
Availability: 79% Yahoo, 86% ESPN
Stat Me Up: Royal caught seven passes on eight targets for 90 yards with three touchdowns.
The X-File: After two weeks, Royal has already matched his career high in touchdowns.
Jam it or Cram it: Obviously Royal is not going to keep up this touchdown pace, but the Chargers get the Titans this week. Tennessee gave up over 300 yards through the air to Matt Schaub on Sunday. Play your cards right and you could be holding a royal flush. JAM
Availability: 97% Yahoo, 99% ESPN
Stat Me Up: Clay had five catches on seven targets for 109 receiving yards and also had a goal-line carry, scoring a one-yard touchdown.
$$$ Value: $1. One good game = one good dollar.
The Gist: Clay is some sort of H-back who is starting at tight end because of the season-ending injury to Dustin Keller. Clay may not snag five passes a game every week, but he’ll be a consistent red-zone target moving forward.
The X-File: Clay and the ‘Fins get Atlanta Sunday. The Falcons gave up over 350 yards passing to the Cardinals last week.
Jam it or Cram it: Hurting at tight end, Clay may be the answer. I wouldn’t waste any hard earned $$$ on him, but he’ll be out there as a free agent soon enough if you’re truly desperate. My recent luck with tight ends – Zach Sudfeld, Kellen Winslow – has not been good. Do the opposite of whatever I say. CRAM
Jam or Cram: Tennessee Titans Defense/Special Teams
Availability: 79% Yahoo, 81% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 24 fantasy points in two games.
$$$ Value: $1. Don’t spend cash on defense or kickers. Spend it on much more valuable things like scotch and cigars.
The Gist: Through the first two games this year the Tennessee D is ranked No.6 in the league.
The X-File: The Titans have outscored San Fran, Chicago and Baltimore defenses so far this season.
Jam it or Cram it: Don’t snooze on the Titans’ defense. There’s points to be had here. Tennessee has given up 35 points, has seven sacks and three interceptions, a fumble recovery and a touchdown in two games. They get the high flying Chargers and turnover prone Philip Rivers this week. Music City is worth a listen. JAM
Thanks for hanging in the Razzball lounge. Follow The Guru on Twitter @TheGuruGS for the daily jam or cram, fantasy roster 411’s and other gooey shenanigans.