Because Monday night’s game went exactly as we all thought, right?  The Washington (enter name here) football team defeated the first-place Dallas Cowboys in primetime.  And yes, at one point in the night, Cleveland fans rejoiced (or puked) when both Colt McCoy and Brandon Weeden were in the game. So with McCoy’s performance over the past two weeks — he leads all quarterbacks in completion percentage over that stretch — what does this mean for Robert Griffin III?  Washington head coach Jay Gruden said that McCoy’s stellar play won’t have any impact on Griffin, as he’s the starter as soon as he’s healthy.  On Tuesday, Gruden said that Griffin is “very, very, very close” to returning.  With six teams on bye this week, fantasy managers are scrambling to the waiver wire to replace Jay Cutler, Aaron Rodgers, Matthew Stafford, Kyle Orton, Matt Ryan and Zach Mettenberger.  OKAY, maybe not Mettenberger, but you get the picture.  Can Griffin be that guy this week for you?  Chances are slim, to be honest.  Yes, he could probably go out there against Minnesota on Sunday, but with a Week 10 bye week, it makes more sense to sit him until Week 11.

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Ugh, do I have to, Fantasy Gods?  Why must you torture me so?  What did I ever do to you to deserve this?  You touch yourself inappropriately when you think no one is watching.  Ummm, Fantasy Gods care about that?  You’re ruling over a bunch of nerds, what else are we supposed to do?  ‘Check out my fantasy team’ isn’t exactly something you post on Tinder.  Neverthewho!  Eli Manning.  Ugh…I mean, he plays football so there’s that.  Just doesn’t play it well most weeks…so there’s that too.  Then again, he’s coming off a bye and should hopefully be ready and prepared to take on a secondary that got completely wrecked both on the scoreboard and in terms of injuries on week 8…but of course Rashad Jennings might not be back this week and it’s clear the Giants need him…ooph, this is tough.  Eli is gonna throw for 350 and 4 TDs or he’s gonna end with 175, 2 picks and give you Manning face.  There’s really no in between with this guy so for me he’s going to be a GPP only go and even at that, only do it if everyone and their mother says ‘I won’t play Eli this week’ for the contrarian goodness.  Wow, what an inspiring opening!  I think there is more hedging here than even a yard worker could provide.  Clearly it’s time to move on so let’s.  Here’s some other hot takes for the week 9 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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This week sets up to be one of the most complex and challenging one on the waiver wire of the entire season. There are a few reasons for this. First, this week has six teams (Atlanta, Buffalo, Chicago, Green Bay, Detroit and Tennessee) on bye. It’s the most since we had six sit out Week 4. Second, the trade deadline is at 4PM Eastern this afternoon. Rumors are flying around, and you’ll want to wait until the dust settles before making any kind of move to your fantasy roster. My gut feeling says this will be a trade deadline with a couple of big moves that will make ripples across the fantasy landscape. Third, you have to decide if you want to be in on the first wave of claims or wait and see who gets dropped and make a move on reverse waivers. Decisions, decisions…

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Welcome back, my lovelies! Once again, we find ourselves all cozied up together, commiserating on our busted a*s rosters, re-evaluating every life decision we ever made, wondering when we are going to get to receive, rather than continually bend over and take it raw week after endless week. Even the stalker in my bushes outside of my house is giving me a look of shame as he peers at me through my bathroom window when I shower. This has to be, by far, one of the wackiest Fantasy Football seasons I have ever had the displeasure of being a part of, and I have done some questionably wacky things in my day (hey, it was college and I needed the money). Anyhoo, I digress… well, let’s get down and dirty with what I know you are all waiting for, Hit it or Quit it, Week 9.

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After this week in the NFL, I feel like I might need to shed my old-school thinking that a quarterback is not worthy of a first-round draft pick in my fantasy football league. I always refuse to spend my first two picks on anything besides a running back or wide receiver (yes, I have never drafted Peyton.), but I always feel like I get a decent QB (usually Cam Newton and, you know, Cam Newton…) This week, I might adjust my mindset, especially after Newton’s week. Next year, you will see me spending my first round pick for Andrew Luck over LeSean McCoy every single time.

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While the game as a whole was a close scoring affair that went into overtime, looking at it from the micro view, the first half was entirely forgettable. In fact, I had a hard time not throwing an unsportsmanlike penalty flag having been forced to watch those two quarters. To put it succinctly, the Cowboys did practically everything wrong and were still only down by three. The game suddenly became entertaining in the second half, until Romo went down from a sack and headed back to the locker room until late in the fourth quarter. They said he passed through the stadium bar, so I’m assuming some shots were in order. For a while, it was Brandon Weeden facing off against Colt McCoy, and I had to Google to make sure I wasn’t watching a preseason game. Suffice it to say, McCoy found a way to win in overtime, because heart, or something, and while Romo returned to a standing ovation, begging for a Romonobyl so powerful, Godzilla would awaken, we were treated to a spinning incomplete pass to end the game on downs. Not exactly the aphrodisiac I was expecting. But with a surprising win, Washington finds itself 3-5 with a chance at 8-8, and if Romo’s back takes a turn for the worst, we now know how Dallas will finish 8-8, unfortunately leaving the suspense out how they were going to do it.

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This is the most random assortment of anything that I have ever seen…

While I would normally expect this game to be somewhat close because of the prime time slot and storied rivalry, I just remembered that Jim Haslett is still employed. So expecting this game to stay competitive, for at least one quarter, may be asking too much. Especially since Tony Romo and DeMarco Murray have lit Jerry’s world (aka his loins) on fire with staggering competency and production. Words that usually aren’t used to describe those two. Romo has 14 touchdowns and only 6 interceptions with 1,789 yards, and December is still far off. Murray became the first running back in history to start a season with seven straight 100-yard games. Washington doesn’t really even have a functional quarterback strategy at this point and are sliding in the NFC East with a 2-5 record. If this is an intentional strategy to get out of the spotlight from having a team name that’s a slur, well then, job well done.

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In what was an embarrassing display of defense, especially for the Bears, or even the Buccaneers, the Patriots took advantage of the brand new and radical “Cover No one” formation, laying down a 51-spot on the scoreboard. Gronk smash is correct. Much had been publicized on Brandon Marshall’s “motivational speaking” tour after a Miami loss last week, “motivating” everyone from Jay Cutler to Robbie Gould.

‘We’ve got Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett, Matt Forte. We’ve got a stud offensive line. We’ve got a great, great group of guys. And this is unacceptable. What did we put up, 14 points? Was it 14 points? That’s unacceptable.”

You see something missing there? People, who, perhaps are in charge of preventing another team from outscoring yours? Pray tell… So, we’ll probably get another week of Marc Trestman blaming (somewhat warranted), Brandon Marshall yelling (probably shouldn’t call it motivating anymore) and Jay Cutler outrage (because he gave up 51 points all by his lonesome). Unless, of course, the media will focus more on fact that the Patriots are now 6-2, in first place, and look every bit as dangerous as they used to. Sigh, that’s exactly what’s going to happen, isn’t it? Oh God damn it Bears, did you really have to let that happen?

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Who dat? More like what the f*ck is dat.

The Packers have seemingly been able to survive a slow start, winning four straight after starting 1-2. However, I feel like someone should tell them that they left Eddie Lacy behind. Or they just confused Jordy Nelson with him. Which would make sense, seeing as how all the yardage goes through him at this point. But if it’s any consolation for Lacy being left to his own machinations, it appears that the Saints are around the same area. So here Lacy, it’s an entire team to keep you company. Bressus has yet to rise, and yes, that’s the only religious metaphor I’ll throw out, because let’s be honest here, Drew Brees doesn’t deserve it at this moment. More like Breedus, amiright folks? (Okay, two. That’s it, I swear.) And with a limited Jimmy Graham, it appears that the Saints offense will depend on such play-makers as Marquee Colston and, um, err,… Travaris Cadet? Oh god, this is going to be bad, isn’t it…

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Cardinals Fever Football

Hey guys, you can call off the search party now. I found Kid Rock. All is well.

Despite having a spectacularly unreliable offense at times, the Chip Kelly innovated™ Philadelphia Eagles find themselves 5-1, vying for the NFC East lead with the surprisingly competent Cowboys. And while we are still a good month and some days away from December, this looks like a finish that should provide plenty of entertainment, with a healthy side of NFC East derp, the purist derp out there, some would say. The Cardinals, who have had their own issues on offense, also bring a 5-1 record, trying to prove that Arizona is the new Seattle. All you need is not to be landlocked, and have some sort of progressive movement, and, you know, have a good football team. Well, you got one of the three so far… let’s see what happens next.

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