Wow. Inspired much? Scenes like that can make grown men weep (not speaking from experience). Luckily for me, Razzball doesn’t take things that seriously… mostly because I cry easily, and Jay can’t just threaten to take me out at any moment in time. Have you seen what’s been happening in the NFL? Razzball would cut him… aaaand Fantasy Sports Network would drop their sponsorship. That would be after a series of varying reports about him being suspended for 2 weeks, then fully reinstated, and then barred from fantasy sports writing altogether. Am I bitter about Adrian Peterson?  Nope (sarcasm). Let’s get on with it:

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Welcome to the real world, where the Saints are 0-2 and 80’s pop music cries, waiting to be recognized once again.  Now, I am not one to go off on tangents or shed tears for the Saints at all, the team’s problem is and will be defense all year.  Khiry Robinson comes up after the broken wings of Mark Ingram, whose injury has given Khiry the uniform of youth.  And by that, I mean the starters pinny, that we as fantasy footballians covet from a late round pick.   It’s love, not because I wish the Saints offense was more black and white, but because they are a pass-happy bunch that grinds it at the goal line.  I get it, and I hope they don’t slow down and run to her (her being the end zone), early and often.  So if I had my way, I would sculpt the Saints playbook with my own hands, and include the versatile backs that they employ down in the shadows of Lake Pontchartrain.  So here’s what I foresee happening this week with Khiry, and why if you are in a bind with injuries or insecurities about roster spots, he may be a good bet to net you some positives this week.

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2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.9% (12th out of 133 Experts, 61.4% Highest, 49.9% Lowest).

Week 2 Results: 54.0% (35th out of 135 Experts, 61.3% Highest, 42.1% Lowest).

I actually didn’t think there were going to be enough healthy players to rank this week, but alas, we barely made it. With nearly 86% of the NFL injured, one might wonder if we are seeing the end of the world as we know it, totally forgetting the fact that we voted Barack Obama to be President not once, but twice. Coincidentally, Jamaal Charles’ and A.J. Green’s injuries are the direct result of that as well, so thanks again Obama! Not only is the world already in the process of ending, but so are our fantasy football teams. Sounds like a scary situation here folks… but have no fear, I come here bearing gifts. Well, not “gifts” per say, more like rankings, but I submit to you that rankings can be gifts. It just needs some ribbon and wrapping paper, and BOOM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO. So here are the rankings for Week 3, now with more gift wrap…

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Greetings!!! Week two was hella crazy, ya’ll; Adrian Peterson suspended for child endangerment, A.J. Green going down with a toe injury before making a single reception, and Jake Locker being beyond atrocious. Okay, well, maybe that last one wasn’t so shocking… but every soul on earth other than the legendary, Jay(Wrong), had Locker going HAM and eggs on the what was supposed to be pathetic defense of the Dallas Cowboys. Thinking about the once salivating thought of Locker to Justin Hunter, now sickens me beyond a level I believed only possible in the depths of Hades. More on these two bricks, later. My first four picks in my highest money league were as follows: Peterson, Alshon Jeffery, Andre Ellington, and Rob Gronkowski. Needless to say, I’m 0-2 and almost b*tch slapped my chicken out of anger. But then, I thought of Michael Vick, Ray Rice, Da Kraken, and the aforementioned AP, and decided to instead, hug my chicken, Beatrice, for love is the answer ya’ll. I’m Tehol Beddict, the only former-male thong model in history to be published in any form of sports writing, and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

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Rarely do we see a week so overabundant in the injury department.  Millions of fantasy teams were brought to their knees (likely ‘cuz they have no ankles to support them) after the seemingly endless amounts of bones, ligaments and tendons that were demolished in Week 3’s slate of NFL games. Fantasy football owners are going to be racing to the wire this week to replace their fallen and it’s important that you are kept up-to-date with who to grab and who not to grab…

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One of my favorite scenes from Major League is when the Cleveland locals are reading the list of players on the Indian’s upcoming roster. Their reactions and comments are priceless.

If you entered week 2 with the following starting lineup, you would not only be laughed out of your league, but you’d probably be better off quitting fantasy football. Or perhaps not…

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Muah! That’s the sound I expect to hear from you when you start Kirk Cousins this week. I fully expect your lips to be on the computer screen on Sunday giving your DraftKings lineup a big smackaroo because of the numbers he’ll bestow upon you. Just don’t slip your computer the tongue. I’ve heard about the sites you frequent, your computer is probably more diseased than a red light district at this point. It doesn’t take a genius to realize the Eagles and their secondary can be attacked. Heck, I think we all know this will be a full-blown offensive array by Philly and those Washington guys are gonna need to keep pace. Unlike the blowout Cincy got going early which negated Dalton’s upside, I don’t think there’ll be either team getting a chance to rest on their laurels this week.  Sure, Washington might rely on their RBs heavily to slow the pace of the game down.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s been tried before to keep the Eagles offense off the field.  Just don’t think Cousins will be afforded this opportunity and for that reason alone he’s worth it, nevermind the fact that he is only $7,300 for the week.  Cheap chance at a 300 yard passing day, friends; take advantage.  But enough about your cheapness, let’s get on with the slate.  Here’s some other hot takes on week 3 DraftKings…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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Welcome back, my lovelies, to this week’s rendition of Hit It or Quit It. Hopefully, this week’s article finds you with your MCL’s, ankles, knees, toes, and elbows intact and where they are supposed to be, unlike the poor bastards on many of our rosters this past weekend. OUCH! Somehow, yours truly managed to squeeze out a 5-1 record for my leagues this weekend, while starting the best of the worst, a few no names, and a couple of poor schmoes who happened to be working the grounds crew at Met Life Stadium (Thanks, Manuel! I needed that turnover!). Did I just get lucky? Right place, right time? Or is this week’s domination in my leagues an indication of my Fantasy Football genius? I’ll let you make the call… (Hint: It’s the latter). So, before the refs from last night’s Bears-9’ers game decide to flag me for excessive celebration, let’s get into this week’s slim pickin’s and outright grenades. Gentlemen, and a few ladies, I give you Hit It or Quit It: Week 3.

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It’s time to run to the waiver wire and put your claim in for Kansas City running back Knile Davis. Star running back and first-round pick Jamaal Charles left the loss at Denver in the first quarter with an ankle sprain and didn’t return. Davis took the field and had 79 yards and two touchdowns on 22 carries. He added a pair of catches as well, and looked sharp. Davis could be a starter on some other running-back hungry teams and he should be on your fantasy roster this week. Charles (sprained ankle) looks to be questionable at best for this week against Miami. He’s been diagnosed with the dreaded high ankle sprain, and Davis should capitalize on it. The Dolphins are giving up 101 yards a game on the ground so the opportunity is there for Davis. The week after, it’s a Monday night tilt at New England (122.5 yards per game) for the Chiefs. Week 5 is a brutal matchup at San Francisco. We know how tough they are to run on, hunh Matt Forte? It wouldn’t make sense for the Chiefs to bring back Charles to get pounded into ground chuck before the team’s bye week on Week 6.

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Trent Richardson just experimenting with his new tactic of gaining yardage by getting tackled from behind.

So apparently ESPN had their huge unveiling last night for their new piece of technology that celebrates Chip Kelly’s innovativeoffense by creating a clock that works in reverse of a play clock. So the numbers now count up instead of down. I’m sure money, time, and development went into this, so I should point out that cancer is still a thing. Regardless, the game itself was strangely entertaining for an MNF slot that hasn’t felt relevant this decade. Sure, most of that excitement was produced by Darren Sproles, who is so tiny and fast. And while Foles and the Eagles offense has struggled mightly now in the first half of their first two games, to their credit, they’re now 2-0. And despite an obvious holding call directly leading to a crucial Andrew Luck interception in the 4th quarter, the Colts seemed to waste an actually effective running tandem in Trent Richardson and my chosen one, Ahmad Bradshaw with lousy repetitive play-calling and the mistakable urge to play for field position towards the end of the game. It’s not a death march by any means, but 0-2 is not how I imagined the Colts starting.

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