Well, we all knew the Bengals season was going to end as soon as they played their first playoff game, the only questions to be answered was the how and why. Unfortunately for the Bengals, the answers came about a month too early. Now sitting at 10-3, Andy Dalton broke his thumb while, of all things, making a tackle (shown above) after throwing an interception. The loss came at the hands of perpetual division rival and bee-uniform wearing Steelers, further complicating the Bengals road to their one-and-done playoff appearance. Even Tyler Eifert went down with a concussion in the first half of yesterday’s game. So you have to wonder, can they still get a bye and go for a loss during the divisional playoffs? Or will that loss come during Wild Card Weekend? All joking aside, you’d have to think that with this year’s Andy Dalton, the Bengals had the best chance they’ve had since the Carter administration to get a playoff victory, but depending on how long Dalton is out, you have to figure that limping into the tournament and unable to get a playoff win is the most likely scenario. And also sounds like a new verse for Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic”.
Here’s what else I saw during Week 14’s Sunday games…
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Davante Adams – 2 REC, 12 YDS. Mike McCarthy, play-calling GENIUS!
Blake Bortles – 16/30, 250 YDS, 3 TD and 4 CAR, 17 YDS, 1 TD. Blake Bortles Blowout? We are about to enter a world where Bortles and Kirk Cousins are potential division-winning quarterbacks. Let that sink in for a bit.
Dez Bryant – 1 REC, 9 YDS. Too bad he can’t catch things as well as his mom.
Matt Cassel – 13/29, 114 YDS, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 6 YDS. There wasn’t a chance for a usual helping of Romonobyl, but a little Casselshima was all that was needed. Matt Cassel was basically outplayed yesterday by Jimmy Clausen, who had to play against Seattle. I just wanted to point that out so we can actually gauge how awful Matt Cassel is.
Jimmy Clausen – 23/40, 274 YDS, 1 INT and 1 CAR, -2 YDS. You should have heard the tone in Scott Hansen’s voice yesterday when he said “The Ravens are down to Jimmy Clausen.” It was like he was describing your last desperate hope against terminal cancer.
Kirk Cousins – 24/31, 300 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 13 YDS, 1 TD. I’ll admit it, with Kirk Cousins at quarterback, Washington looks like a playoff team. Specifically, the playoff team that makes it an easy argument to change the playoff structure. Specifically, how the divisional winners host games . Honestly, whoever wins the NFC East should get nothing more than a generic participation trophy. The same one that the AFC East gets from the Patriots.
Isaiah Crowell – 20 CAR, 145 YDS, 2 TD and 1 REC, 9 YDS. Cleveland finally stopped refusing to give carries to their best running back. Must be a Factory of Sandess union thing…
Andy Dalton – 3/5, 59 YDS, 1 INT. I’d say losing Dalton is soul crushing, but gingers have no souls to begin with.
Tyler Eifert – 2 REC, 42 YDS. Well, looks like the Dalton-Eifert fantasy gravy train ended yesterday.
Zach Ertz – 5 REC, 98 YDS. Welcome back, Zach Ertz. Where have you been for the entirety of this season?
Devonta Freeman – 12 CAR, 40 YDS and 3 REC, 22 YDS. The AFC South went from Wow to dogsh*t-awful… again. Interesting how Freeman’s game log follows the same trend…
Antonio Gates – 6 REC, 76 YDS. Imagine what will happen when the NFL decides to put basketball players at the Strong Safety position to cover the basketball playing TE’s? MIND. BLOWN.
Ted Ginn, Jr. – 2 REC, 120 YDS, 2 TD and 1 CAR, 5 YDS. Tedd Ginn was surprisingly useful? Cam Newton is a Goddamned magician.
A.J. Green – 6 REC, 132 YDS, 1 TD. Andy Dalton gets a broken thumb? No problem! Here’s the “Revised Bengals Game Plan”: Throw it to AJ, AJ! I mean, the Steelers couldn’t possibly keep track of two AJs!
Rob Gronkowski – 4 REC, 87 YDS, 1 TD. You know, Gronk producing is just so very rare, it’s no wonder why Houston didn’t bother covering him.
Allen Hurns – 3 REC, 105 YDS, 1 TD. Doin’ it for all the wonderful Jagoffs and Jagoffettes out there! All three of em!
Eddie Lacy – 24 CAR, 124 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 24 YDS. F*cking finally… I mean, is Dallas so horrid that they can make Fat Eddy look competent?
Jeremy Langford – 11 CAR, 37 YDS and 3 REC, 27 YDS. It may not be safe (nor shameless) to wear Bears swag in public until at least 2026.
Johnny Manziel – 21/31, 270 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 7 CAR, 15 YDS. Well, at least now Manziel can add “Factory Manager” to what is an otherwise tepid resume. You know, right next to “Professional Drug Abuser”.
Brandon Marshall – 6 REC, 125 YDS, 1 TD. Dear NFL, Thanks for scheduling the Titans this week. Sincerely, Brandon Marshall.
AJ McCarron – 22/32, 280 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 3 CAR, 8 YDS. Congratulations AJ! You just threw two interceptions! He must have thought it was Ole’ Miss out there…
LeSean McCoy – 20 CAR, 74 YDS and 4 REC, 35 YDS. Do the Bills practice making sure McCoy doesn’t get touchdowns? I really see no other reason why someone like Mike Gillislee exists otherwise. That, and probably having the most annoying last name to type since Jeff Samardzija.
Thomas Rawls – 6 CAR, 44 YDS. Will miss the rest of the season with a broken ankle (shown above). This being nearly the millionth season-ending injury for this 2015 Fantasy Football season, I, I just don’t know how to handle such things anymore. Bourbon. The answer is probably Bourbon. And a DuJuan Harris add. No, you’re right, just the bourbon will do.
Aaron Rodgers – 22/35, 218 YDS, 2 TD and 3 CAR, 27 YDS. Rodgers sure takes the ridiculousness of his offensive line, wide receivers, and coaches with an ef-ton of grace…
Ben Roethlisberger – 30/39, 282 YDS, 1 INT and 1 cAR, 6 YDS. Seriously, Big Ben is going to balloon up to the size of the actual Big Ben clock. He’ll be in Reid-like proportions within four years of retirement. Especially if by “years” you mean “months”.
Matt Ryan – 22/34, 224 YDS, 1 INT and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Remember when they tried to trick us into thinking Matt Ryan was an elite quarterback? We were so young then. So innocent.
Darren Sproles – 7 CAR, 41 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 4 YDS. DeMarco Murray (11 CAR, 34 YDS and 2 REC, 3 YDS) has been reduced to holding Sproles’ water bottle at this point. It’s a tiny water bottle though, so, you know, there’s that I guess.
James Starks – 11 CAR, 71 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 32 YDS, 1 TD. James Starks: STILL ALIVE!!!
Final Thought
