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Welcome, everyone, to the first chapter of the story in which the Patriots win yet another Super Bowl.

Wait, what’s that?

They lost the opener? To Andy Reid? And Alex Smith? (Laughs for nine hours. Stops to breathe. Laughs another nine hours. Another inhale. Sleeps for six hours. Rinse and repeat.) So yeah, football’s back guys. And with it came the usual hour-and-a-half pregame show that generally felt like 127 hours while also at the same time watching the ending of 127 Hours for 127 hours straight. (If I ctrl-effed “hours” right now, my monitor would light up like a Christmas tree.) So of course NBC Sunday Night Football would premier on a Thursday, it’s still a “day”, am I right? Bob Costas looked even more like a shambling corpse than last year. Tony Dungy looked as much like Nosferatu as he ever has. And then we were treated by a Marky Mark recap of last season’s Patriots Super Bowl win, with all the unnecessary lording over that would entail. I was actually surprised he was able to inform us of what happened in the fourth quarter since he checked out in the third with the rest of New England, but the fact remains that only the Patriots could show up a team which they have no rivalry with like it was a team full of Mangini’s.

The actual game itself began in prototypical fashion, with the continued slow evolution of Alex Smith turning in Rex Grossman, a human being who would actually look better if he had cauliflower ear. Think about it. And then there was Kareem Hunt with his first carry as a professional…

So I guess we should all be happy that Kansas City didn’t have the running back depth to bench Hunt for the game, as Coaching the NFL 101 first week of class teaches, but you might wonder if Andy Reid actually learned a lot from watching the Super Bowl from home last year too. Like how to eat a tub of wings, some fried chicken, and pizza at the same time during a four-hour sitting.

And by the half, as Hunt, Tyreek Hill, and Alex Smith (but not Travis Kelce! Thanks Obama!) began to show us a world that didn’t involve 183 check-downs and 1-yard wide receiver screens, I told myself (and you’ll be proud of me): “If the Chiefs pull this one out, I’ll never fat-shame Andy Reid again. Until next week.”

And guess what? Wishes do come true…

Danny Amendola – 6 REC, 100 YDS, 16.7 AVG, 27 Long, 7 TGTS – Amendola did the best Julian Edelman impersonation he could (oh the grittiness!), but still succumbed to the great concussion scourge (or what the NFL calls: a “restrictive PR issue”) early in the fourth quarter. He’ll have 10 days until Week 2 but also has a robust history with concussions, which could be positive news to all the Phillip Dorsett owners out there. All none of you.

Tom Brady – 16/36 C/ATT, 267 YDS, 7.4 AVG, 3-20 Sacks, 70.0 RTG – Can’t wait to tune in to WEEI this morning. I’m sure we’ll have the full Patriots’ fan trifecta in effect: Is Bill Belichick DONE!? Is Tom Brady DONE!? Why are white people Patriots fans so persecuted!?

Brandin Cooks – 3 REC, 88 YDS, 29.3 AVG, 54 Long, 7 TGTS – This line would have looked a lot better if there were points for drawing PI flags. He drew three, two of which would have most likely been touchdowns, maybe three. So I suppose if this keeps up, we should all handcuff Cooks with Mike Gillislee

Mike Gillislee – 15 CAR, 45 YDS, 3.0 AVG, 3 TD, 16 Long – I wonder if Patriots fans think that every time they run the ball at the goal line, that it’s some kind of shot at Seattle… Naw, you’re right. I’m being silly. I know that’s what they think.

Rob Gronkowski – 2 REC, 33 YDS, 16.5 AVG, 17 Long, 6 TGTS – Seems to be more of an Eric Berry thing instead of a Gronk thing. I’d also blame this on the fact that Tom Brady owns too many pairs of Uggs, but I generally try not to hit the nail on the head so often, ya know?

Tyreek Hill – 7 REC, 133 YDS, 19.0 AVG, 1 TD, 75 Long, 8 TGTS and 2 REC, 5 YDS, 2.5 AVG, 4 Long – Hill could have had an even better night but was constrained in the fourth quarter due to cramps, but Hill owners should still be completely smitten for the fact that Andy Reid used him all over the field in different formations instead of eating him. With the Eagles secondary being questionable at best and an incredible tasting swiss cheese at worse, Hill could put up another solid game.

Chris Hogan – 1 REC, 8 YDS, 8 LONG, 5 TGTS. A white ex-lacrosse-playing Patriots receiver? It’s as if a bunch of Southie’s melted into a Patriots jersey. And, I have to ask, was that the first mention of Chris Hogan as a “former lacrosse star”? I’ve got a bingo chart here I need to fill… All I need is someone to mention that Jimmy Graham used to play basketball. You guys think my chances are good?

Kareem Hunt – 17 CAR, 148 YDS, 8.7 AVG, 1 TD, 1 FUM, 58 Long and 5 REC, 98 YDS, 19.6 AVG, 2 TD, 78 Long, 5 TGTS – In Trump’s America, the KHunt grabs you! You know, as I mentioned in the lede, I’m sure a lot (all of you) Kareem owners thought he would be benched for a majority of the game after his opening fumble, but not me. Nope, I know Andy Reid all too well and knew that Hunt was going to get his touches.

And boy did he look good. No, not Andy Reid. Unless you like tomatoes. I mentioned it in a comment last night with a reader, but the way Hunt moves, he plays long, lean, and fast, kinda like a young (and functional) Chris Johnson. Or maybe just a midnight tryst at Cris Collinsworth’s house.

Travis Kelce – 5 REC, 40 YDS, 8.0 AVG, 14 Long, 7 TGTS. So the Chiefs really utilized Kelce well last night… by putting him in at quarterback for a wildcat play. And. That. Was. About. It.

Alex Smith – 28/35 C/ATT, 368 YDS, 10.5 AVG, 4 TD, 3-16 Sacks, 148.6 RTG – The new Alex Smith weirds me out. Instead of “Marvel at the bland efficiency of Alex Smith! Look as he registers a 9.3 on the Flacco Elite Scale!” It’s more like: “Alex Smith threw a 75-yard touchdown!?” and then questioning if this is, in fact, reality. IS IT? I HAVE NO IDEA. WE ONLY SPEAK IN CAPS IN THIS REALITY PEOPLE. SPREAD THE WORD.

Other Notes…

  • Have you ever thought that Robert Kraft looks like the love child of Jon Favreau and Richard Gere? I have. I have…
  • Just to make things interesting (for me), I think the Patriots should deliberately tank the first eight games of the season for two important (to me) reasons:
    1.) To see if they can close the season out at 8-0.
    2.) To see if they can win the division at 8-8.
  • I’m sadeneed that the only TD celebration that’s allowed nowadays is apparently doing walking lunges while pretending you’re kind of chilly.
  • I think Cris Collinsworth looks like a photo-shopped image where someone accidentally made it a little too narrow in relation to the height.

“How incredibly inventive and pointless!” – Andy Reid. (Also the same title for the CliffsNotes Andy Reid Edition.)

 

 

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  1. William Hung says:
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    Someone used a waiver on Paul Richardson – so I went Kittle, and now I just read Kittle might not play Week 1 cause of a hamstring injury… if I need to use my waiver add on a player of Paul Richardson’s quality this is going to be a long season in my league…

    Do I go Brandon Coleman, Nelson Agholor, Jermaine Kearse, or just hold Kittle? My other TE is Gates.

    As a reminder: 14 team league, .5 PPR, 20 return yards per point.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @William Hung: I’d say Agholor for ceiling, Kearse for floor, but honestly, I don’t think it matters too much here. I’m okay holding onto Kittle unless you’re in a roster crunch.

      • William Hung says:
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        @Jay: I should be fine since I have Koo, who is going to score 20 FPs against Denver

  2. Alex says:
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    $100 FAAB for the year, how much would you spend on hunt and hill individually?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Alex: $200000000. Honestly, I’d probably do something like 40/30, but I don’t think it’s going to be enough. There’s always one dude who throws 90 at someone like this.

  3. CMUTimmah says:
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    True or False – By week 5, Phillip Dorsett will have fully assumed the Edelman role?

    I’m leaning towards yes. Amendola has proved that he doesn’t know how to protect himself. There’s something to be said about being fearless, but there’s more to be said about keeping yourself on the field. A couple of times I saw Ty Hill stop his momentum and pull a Marvin Harrison, just get a couple of yards after catch over the middle and lay down. That’s a smart play. That’s how you avoid monster concussions.

    Hogan is not an Edelman replacement, clearly, in that offense. They are moving forward with oompa loompa receivers, and that could hurt them in the long run. When the defense gets burnt on the field for long drives and the offense has to take the foot off the gas peddle, New England looks pedestrian. When they are in that hurry up, they look damn near unstoppable.

    One item you missed. With Gillislee getting 3 TDs, it overshadowed a bigger picture: The running back to own in NE is going to be James White. He was on the field a TON in that game. Gillislee got the major carries, however, White had 43 plays on the field, Gillislee had 24. Gillislee ran on 15 of the 24 times he was on the field. This is critical intel. He only had 5 targets (one of which was while he was on the ground and Brady was throwing it away, so really 4…) but he rushed 10 times. White was the RB for plays in the red zone over 5 yards for the most part as well. Gillislee is going to be a TD vulture and a guy that puts games away. So if the Pats have a competitive opponent, then I think White is the start going forward.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @CMUTimmah: Eh, slightly false? But your argument is a strong one, I really can’t disagree with anything you said, so I’ll just admit I have no idea who gets the bulk there. And great point on White, but the Patriots don’t have a strong history of giving someone other than Blount a lot of opportunity to ground and pound.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @CMUTimmah: Anyone who thought Hogan was Edelman’s replacement has never watched either of those players in that offense. It was Amendola, and might be Lewis and Burkhead in the slot next week. Hogan is outside guy, Brady needs to stop overthrowing him by 10 yards though.

      • CMUTimmah says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: Brady wasn’t Brady last night. He missed Cooks multiple times last night on normally well placed “box out routes” coming out of cuts. He overthrew a handful of guys as well.

        Alex Smith’s air show he put on was very impressive. AND he still maintained his uber high completion percentage with his QB Air Yards being at least double his 2016 average of 3.23 yd/attempt.

        PS – By RB to own, I meant that White (especially in PPR) will maintain a steadier production than Gillislee going forward. Gillislee may a a handful more multiple TD games going forward, but White’s role is that offense is greater on the whole. I just think as confusing of a situation that the NE backfield has been all off season, the utilization % of each back is a fantasy story at this point. I really enjoy your articles, meant no disrespect Jay!

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @CMUTimmah: never man, happy to talk with ya!

  4. LeggoPens says:
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    So ya boy got boned by an early draft. Took Spencer Ware in the 5th, Willie Snead in the 6th, and Cameron Meredith in the 7th. F*ck my face.

    I also have Mike Evans and Cameron Brate. Very deep 14-team league.

    Whatever, gotta move forward. Probably screwed for this week but the only other two receivers I have are Crabtree and Golladay. Would you stick with Golladay or pick up and insert one of the following:

    Torrey Smith
    Funchess
    Anderson
    Terrance Williams

    If so, would you drop Deandre Washington (have Lynch), Andy Dalton (have Mariota), or Golladay? Leaning towards Golladay if I don’t play him since he’s injured and QBs are pretty picked clean and we just don’t know how Lynch is gonna be, although I’m optimistic.

    Preciate your help. Pray for me.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @LeggoPens: Yeah, that’s a trinity of disappointment, for sure. I wouldn’t mind trying out Smith there. Probably Golladay, I like him, but we don’t know what we have from him yet and it might take some time.

      • CMUTimmah says:
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        @Jay: I’d take flyers on Anderson and Torrey Smith as they at least have SOME upside from the 4 you mentioned. Anderson is the only heartbeat for the Jets aside from Kerley, and Smith may still have something left in the tank that we didn’t get to see due to QB play last year.

        Funchess is less valuable with KB healthy, and Williams may have some value until Zeke is back but will likely be the 4th options when he is (I think Beasley and Witten get more looks, with Zeke and Dez being the focal points).

        Golladay is a true lottery pick. Can he learn enough routes to move Tate to the slot in 3WR sets? Is he just going to be a red zone target and that’s all? As a lion fan living in Detroit (yeah, after hearing that, your bad luck in fantasy doesn’t sound all that bad, does it?!?) there’s no consensus as to what Golladay will be. But he’s worth holding in a deep 14 team league for sure.

        Either way, why wouldn’t you drop one of the injured guys? Ware and Meredith aren’t coming back…

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @CMUTimmah: Yeah, I’m okay with Smith this year, in the past though, never was a buyer. I agree on the others. Not sold on Golladay, but MB loves him. But yeah, I think I was fine with trying out those two guys.

  5. Fizz says:
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    Who should I start at flex? Standard league:

    J. Stewart
    K. Allen
    A. Abdullah

    For WR im going with A. Brown and A. Robsinson. Do you think its better to sit robinson, start Allen, and pick a flex between stewart and abdullah?

    THanks!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Fizz: Feeling Allen there. Though, I do like the idea of sitting Robinson and starting Abdullah in that spot with Allen going.

      • CMUTimmah says:
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        @Jay: Stewart is a big question mark commodity. I don’t think by any means that Carolina phases him out of the offense completely, but I also don’t think he’s being featured more than 1 out of 3 series and as a goal line back.

        Abdullah likely is getting 2 out of 3 series as the early down back and he has way more opportunity to break a long run vs the older and slower Stewart.

        I like Allen at WR and Abdullah at RB. IF this was PPR, I’d say Robinson, but standard leads favor RBs in the flex.

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @CMUTimmah: I agree. I’ve been a big hyper of Ameer this season… probably not as much as the Detroit beat writer, but I like him.

  6. Jason says:
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    Hi Jay,
    in a 10 team h2h, would you drop doyle for witten? thank you in advance

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Jason: yeah, I’m cool with that.

      • CMUTimmah says:
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        @Jay: OK long term, but you’re not considering starting Doyle until Luck is back and proves he’s healthy.

        I wouldn’t start any WRs with Scotty T at QB. Check out homeboy’s career stats, he doesn’t even belong in the league.

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @CMUTimmah: I agree, but TEs and RBs are generally good escape valves for QBs who have no idea what they’re doing.

  7. Yankee My Wanky! says:
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    Hello Jay! Good stuff. Still giddy over the game last night. As a J E T S fan in MA, it’s games like last night that help me rest my head on my pillow and sleep peacefully. Hey, a win over the Bills this weekend and the J E T S are in first place. Time for a Tee Shirt.

    Anyway, I have a RB question for you in our 12 Team Points League with 1 point PPR. I have Murray, West, Blount, Gore and Handcuff Henry. Yeah, that crew kinda sucks. I am obviously starting Murray, but who as far as RB2? I am thinking West, but not sure.

    I am a frequent reader of Razzball Baseball and kinda new to your Football site, but I like what I am reading, and I actually used your rankings for my 12 Team H2H League. Let’s see how I do. I normally suck at Fantasy Football, so I could use any help I can get.

    Thanks much Jay and have a great weekend.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Yankee My Wanky!: no, not the gangrene! But thanks for hanging out at the football Site, And yeah, thinking West there too because of the PPR.

      • Yankee My Wanky! says:
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        @Jay: Yup, Gang Green. Thanks much Jay.

  8. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
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    Jay you have not lost your fastball sir! You make me just as angry and frustrated as last season, but I appreciate your Andy Reid fat shaming and work.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Ralph Lifshitz: thanks man, means a lot! The Andy Reid fat shaming will always be a true equalizer!

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
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        @Jay: He’ll forever be Chiefs coach because “Kool Aid Andy” is his best self.

        Brady missed a ton of throws last night and he lots of time to make them. I’m not going to worry myself, but it has to crash back down eventually right?

        • CMUTimmah says:
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          @Ralph Lifshitz: I wouldn’t say all of a sudden Brady forgot how to through a football. Additionally, he always bounces back from a fantasy dud. Wouldn’t be surprised to see him throw an easy 350 and 4 TDs vs NO’s porous defense.

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Ralph Lifshitz: he should be in Pro Bowl form against the Saints. Honestly, week 1 is always so weird.

  9. The Pringle mustache man says:
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    It’s Friday yes yes yes!!

    .5 PPR league , I was one of the unlucky ones who benched hunt (insert sad face emoji). Regardless of matchup- but is Hunt must start going forward at least for the foreseeable future? He gets Eagles week 2, I’ll be looking to see how rob Kelley will fair vs the eagles this week. I started mcaffery over hunt at the flex I’m not expecting a monster hunt-like game but if mcaffery can make it respectable I’ll be happy.

    My RBs are DJ , Gordon, mcaffery, hunt, Smallwood, Abdullah & Jamaal Williams

    My WRs are Alshon, Martavis Bryant, Marshall, Hogan the lacrosse dude, Maclin & snead.

    Would you look to package either Mcaffery + Parker or Abdullah + Parker for an upgrade at WR? If you’d recommend that route which WR to aim for? Amari Cooper? Cooks? Hopkins? Keenan Allen? Dez? Baldwin? Michael Thomas?

    What about a straight up deal? Abdullah for either : Larry Fitzgerald? Golden Tate? Devante Adams? Diggs? Crabtree?

    — the Michael Thomas is weaker at RB: has Jamaal Charles at RB2, their RB1 is Freeman, flex is DMC (Elliot is playing week 1), on the bench Blount & Burkhead & Burkhead already went & is locked

    But at WR that owner has mike Thomas, davante Adams, tyreek hill, Britt, Corey Davis & Torrey smith.

    — to get Michael Thomas id even include Alshon Jeffery , Marshall or Maclin.

    — lastly one league mate has 3 freaking TEs; kelce, then on his bench Graham & eifert. Would you offer my Abdullah + WR for Graham? My TE is hunter Henry

    Thanks man!!

      • The Pringle mustache man says:
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        @Jay:

        Mcaffery + Parker would who you’d look to package? I love coop Or Baldwin tried to get them in the draft but they went before me. I suppose having all of these RBs isn’t a bad bad problem to have , last year I kept DJ, then drafted Gordon round 7, also drafted Hyde but flipped Hyde after month one in early October for TY Hilton, I then flipped Corey Coleman & will fuller for Baldwin, I also dealt rivers to a team last year who lost Big Ben for manny sanders , then late season I flipped Hilton for Dez, lol lots af wheeling and dealing

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @The Pringle mustache man: Yeah, I’d want to keep Ameer here. And yeah, especially this season, it’s a wonderful problem to have.

  10. Ron P says:
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    14 team .25PPR with 6 for TDs and the other standard point values. Which one would you prefer?

    1) Zeke, M. Wallace and R. Anderson
    or
    2) Hyde, Julio

    My other RBs are Powell, Duke, Woodhead, Stewart

    Thanks!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Ron P: I’d want the Zeke side.

  11. OZ says:
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    14 man PPR…been offered zeke and rivers for fournette, diggs and Winston…I currently run a 3 rb, wr, te set with McCoy, fournette, Crowell, diggs and Olsen…trade would force Mike Wallace into my wr slot…(best I have)…is the down grade at qb and wr worth getting Elliot?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @OZ: I’d do it. I think the downgrade at QB isn’t huge, and getting Zeke could be a season-changer, depending on if you’re comfortable with his own risk.

      • OZ says:
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        @Jay: thanks!

  12. Whatwouldyoudo? says:
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    What say you?

    Beast mode/kelce/rishard Matthews/marlon Mack for

    Adrian Peterson/tyreek hill/ Greg Olsen?

  13. Brett says:
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    Eric Berry can’t catch a break. :(

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Brett: Awe, only muscle tears!

  14. Bobby says:
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    Ppr league drop prosise, Charles, Britt, Ginn, funchess?

    • Bobby says:
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      @Bobby: pick 1

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      Probably Funchess.

  15. Jery says:
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    Hey, Jay. In a full point ppr league, do you like Doctson or Kendall Wright? Thanks!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Jery: Feeling Doctson there.

  16. Mike says:
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    Great work Jay! So in my 10 man PPR drafting tonight, is 10 overall to high for Hunt?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      A bit, he still seems like a third or fourth rounder for me, but if I saw him go that high, I would not be surprised. If you believe in him, I say go for it. You’ll be able to land another pretty good RB or WR on the turn to complement.

  17. For an Armenianless Vacation come to Akron says:
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    jankowski is ranked quite high, obviously that’s not the case now, but would the new OAK kicker just take over that high spot?

  18. I don't want to brag but i have irritable bowel syndrome says:
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    in a standard 14 team super flex league with this:
    QB palmer/hoyer/savage/goff
    RB (2) hyde/gurley/woodhead/perine/coleman
    WR (2) cooks/dez/green/parker
    TE (1) walker/oj howard
    flex (R/W/T)
    super flex
    IR m.williams/dixon
    K mcmanus
    DEF MIN
    with m.williams ruled out finally i can grab one of: kaepernick (for when somebody wakes the fuck up when their QB gets hurt), fitzmagic (who for some reason yahoo is assuming is projected to get points banking on a winston injury), or a WR 5 in woods/sanu/rogers/lafell
    a.stewart?

  19. Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
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    it’s time to possibly finally grab a kicker (or go sans this week)
    12 team 2 QB dynasty. half PPR
    QB (2) rodgers, tygod, mccown, brissett, mahomes
    RB (2) ingram, t.west, forte, woodhead, kamara, charles
    WR (3) allen, britt, d-jax, decker, jordy, treadwell
    TE (1) ertz
    2 flexes (R/W/T)
    IR edleman
    K ?
    IDP flexes (4) l.david, t.smith, ogletree, collins
    team DEF DEN
    1. go sans K for a while till either
    1. luck is definitely back OR tolzien keeps this job (the latter quite doubtful)
    2. a get an injury and can IR somebody
    OR
    just drop somebody, if so who though?

    2. drop any WR for any of m.lee/doctson/perriman?

    3. drop a RB for any of hill/d-was (OAK)/conner/mack?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey: Tough situation. I might just drop one of your QBs for a DST spot… don’t see any other obvious upgrades. I like Lee and to an extent, Doctson, but tough to find where they go.

  20. Mike says:
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    Hey Jay,

    Aj Green and Hyde for Alshon and Demarco.
    1pr ppr and keeper.

    Which side do you like? Thanks!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Mike: I like the Green side, not close.

  21. In a pickle says:
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    Hey Jay, here’s to another successful season. Got two toss ups for ya.

    0.5ppr: Woodhead or West?
    Std: Diggs or R. Kelley?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @In a pickle: I’m feeling West and Diggs.

  22. And Now the Jon Lovitz Dancers! says:
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    12 team PPR with these (start 2 RB, 1 flex)
    hunt/howard/vereen/j-will (GB)/t.west/forte. drop anybody for c.west?

Comments are closed.