At some point, we’re going to get old. Technically, some of us are already there (children of the 80’s unite!). Okay, we’re not that old, but age is probably subjective anyways. And before I give myself an existential crisis, the point I’m trying to make is that Fantasy Sports might be one of those things that don’t have a shelf life. But this season has made me question that conclusion more than usual. I mean, sure, there are things we can do to spice up the experience. Like Craigslist and sex, maybe we’d pay attention more if money is involved, thus, the evolution of money leagues. DFS is, of course, an offshoot. But with NFL’s noticeable ratings drop this year, talk of rearranging when commercials are shown (haha, dream on), the retiring of Thursday Night Football (naw, Jags vs. Titans is always a good idea!) have been some of the things discussed internally. But time is a flat circle, maaaaaaan, so I wouldn’t expect much of anything the NFL does to change. The officiating has been garbage, the penalties for celebrations is an infringement on my right to not eye-roll infinitely. And really, whatever that was on Sunday Night Football last night, which was flexed!… It’s almost as if they aren’t even trying. (Can’t quite tell if I’m talking about the NFL or the Panthers.) The Chargers lost, but I think you already knew that based on this lede, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be mopey. What’s that? Westworld won’t be back on until 2018? Okay. Time to burn this motherf*cker down!
Jay Ajayi – 12 CAR, 61 YDS, 5.1 AVG, 19 LONG and 6 REC, 26 YDS, 4.3 AVG, 13 LONG, 7 TGTS. So, the Dolphins are pretty sh*tty. The one bright spot, well, it’ll be interesting how Ajayi’s value settles from here on out. I’d like to call him a tentative RB1 next year, but the comparisons to 2015’s breakout Devonta Freeman might have been slightly premature, as Ajayi already seems to be turning into 2016’s letdown Devonta Freeman. Still, give him some credit for the fast turnaround though. (To be fair, he looked much better yesterday with the return of Branden Albert and Laremy Tunsil.)
Derek Anderson – 0/1, 1 INT, 0.0 RTG. Benching Cam Newton for a play was actually a brilliant tactic by Rivera to distract Pete Carroll. Right now, Carroll is too busy trying to figure out how the Illuminati fits into all of this…
Matt Barkley – 11/18, 192 YDS, 10.7 AVG, 97.5 RTG and 4 CAR, 3 YDS. The incredible lack of talent on the field notwithstanding, the Bears versus Niners game looked glorious in the snow. For about five minutes.
Le’Veon Bell – 29 CAR, 118 YDS, 4.1 AVG, 19 LONG and 6 REC, 64 YDS, 10.7 AVG, 21 LONG, 7 TGTS. Le’Veon F*cking Bell is the name on his birth certificate, right?
Blaine Gabbert – 4/10, 35 YDS, 3.5 AVG, 50.0 RTG and 1 CAR, 1 YDS. I bet you Jim Tomsula listened to this game in his rusted out El Camino, driving through the Ozarks going: “Glad I don’t have to deal with That sh*t anymore.”
Julio Jones – 7 REC, 113 YDS, 16.1 AVG, 21 LONG, 9 TGTS. You know, when a wide receiver draws a pass interference call, they should get fantasy credit somehow. And no, I don’t own Julio Jones… in some leagues.
Colin Kaepernick – 1/5, 4 YDS, 0.8 AVG, 39.6 RTG and 6 CAR, 20 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 9 LONG. Pretty sure Kaepernick played the long con, growing that Afro to keep his head warm for yesterday’s game. Speaking of which, is 39 combined passing yards for the 49ers some new Chip Kelly innovation?
Eli Manning – 24/39, 195 YDS, 5.0 AVG, 2 TD, 2 INT, 69.9 RTG and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. I love early December when the first crop of fresh Manningface sightings are in full bloom. And I was only half-paying attention when they said something about how Eli’s cleats were for some kind of Taco Bell kid’s cancer foundation? Or did they say that Eli’s cleats smelled like a Nachos Bellgrande? These are the important questions that need to be asked…
Cam Newton – 14/32, 182 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 1 TD, 72.7 RTG and 3 CAR, 12 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 9 LONG. I look forward to putting the same amount of effort the Panthers displayed last night into my workweek.
Philip Rivers – 15/26, 225 YDS, 8.7 AVG, 2 TD, 2 INT, 79.8 RTG and 3 CAR, 18 YDS. My inner monologue: Just have a drink and remember that the sooner the Chargers are completely eliminated from playoff contention, the sooner I can go do other things with my time while waiting for the official L.A. move notice. Like drink more. My inner monologue, part two: Are alcohol IV’s a thing?
Matt Ryan – 22/34, 297 YDS, 8.7 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 90.0 RTG and 3 CAR, 23 YDS, 7.7 AVG, 12 LONG. Gaining and losing the lead in the same touchdown… it’s an amazing new level of failure that only Cleveland fans knew about… until now.
Ryan Tannehill – 29/40, 226 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 1 TD, 3 INT, 63.1 RTG and 1 CAR, 0 YDS. Tannehill definitely voted for Trump, right? I’m pretty sure his fantasy football profile has “DEPLORABLE” written somewhere on it…
Carson Wentz – 36/60, 308 YDS, 5.1 AVG, 1 TD, 3 INT, 58.2 RTG and 3 CAR, 16 YDS, 5.3 AVG, 10 LONG. Boy, this hype train derailed fast, didn’t it? ETA until Eagles fan wants Sam Bradford back? I’ll give the over/under at three weeks.
Albert Wilson – 4 REC, 48 YDS, 12.0 AVG, 21 LONG, 4 TGTS and 1 CAR, 55 YDS, 1 TD. Andy Reid just ate a coordinator in celebration of this fake punt working. And also called a timeout. Because ef timeouts if you’re Andy Reid.
Chargers season in a nutshell…