…Because I Always Welcome Another Thing to Disappoint Me.

Wait, we’re already rebooting Spiderman again? Oh, hey, quick question, anyone know who sponsored the SNF opening? Was it T-Mobile? Sprint maybe? Also, you should know that Von Miller was jumping with butt-flames before it was hip…

Welcome to what I call “Jay’s Review”… since, you know, I’m Jay, and this is my review of Week 1. Spoilier Alert! (That probably should have gone before the last sentence, but f*ck it, we’re doing it live!) For many of you who’ve been wandering around my Razzballs (haha, get it?) for the last four years, you’ve seen the site go through minute but incremental changes. Kinda like the world in general. So DEEP. And so this season, we’re bringing yet another minute and incremental change… If you hadn’t noticed, Matt Bowe led off the day with his take on what happened Sunday… you should check it out. I think it was a love letter to Kenny Golladay, but whatever. Having such an informative asset (potential double entendre alert!) in terms of both Football and Fantasy Football will allow me to spread my wings and fly. Right over to your mother’s house. It’s no secret that I like having a little fun… probably a little too much fun. For those of you who want deep analytics like how I want to watch Deep Impact over and over again (Armageddon is in my top-10, lest we all forget that asteroid movies are my fetish) and some usable fantasy information, Matt’s your guy. If you’d like to have a little fun with what happened Sunday, experience some jokes, watch some great plays in GIF form, create some hot takes, AND still enjoy some “measured” usable fantasy information, welcome to my club! We get spiffy hats. Just kidding. I just get the spiffy hats. TL;DR – Why so serious? See Matt! Want to see me in a spiffy hat? See me!

Top Plays in GIFs: [PHI@WAS] Carson Wentz throws a 58-yard TD pass to Nelson Agholor.

Hey guys, did you know that Nelson Agholor is still alive? And that that he did something good yesterday? Important, because on this Carson Wentz 58-yard TD pass to Agholor, I took it as the 19th sign of the end of the world, you know, in case the hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires weren’t telling enough. If you were wondering, my Chargers moving to Los Angeles was number 14.

Hot Takes Alert!

• I wonder, will people stop pretending Colin Kaepernick is somehow worse than [Random Name Generated Failed White QB Backup] at some point this year?
• Will the NFL do anything even vaguely redeemable in moral context this season so I can justify to myself why I’m not joining in on some of those sweet-sweet boycotts? (October Pink doesn’t count!)
• Doritos (finger powder) or FUNYUNS (crumbs and err, light finger powder)?
• Jordan Reed (toe) or Jason Witten (age)?
• Todd Gurley is so awesome. Too bad he’s on a team owned by Satan.
• Will the Jets suck so bad that I can stop pretending that I’m not watching it for a purely “let’s see how much of a disaster this will be” type of reason?
• Thoughts and prayers go out to everyone in Florida… for having to deal with the Jaguars, Buccaneers, and Dolphins. Honestly though, if only we had named them “Hurrican’ts” they wouldn’t even be able to hurt us!

Top Plays in GIFs: [OAK@TEN] Amari Cooper’s TD catch from Derek Carr.

I really really didn’t want to do a “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper” joke here, because, I mean, with Amari Cooper, it’s just low-hanging fruit off the joke tree. So instead, I’m just going to tell you about the time that I wanted to use a “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper” joke and make that into the joke. Get it? It’s just so darn meta. On another note, this is what happens when you show up to leg day… And yeah, that is Derek Carr throwing a touchdown pass to Cooper, in our favorite game of rugby. Speaking of Carr, I like that Marcus Mariota threw for fewer yards, fewer touchdowns, and a lower completion percentage than Carr, but still had a higher QBR. Great metric ESPN!

Hot Takes Alert! Part 2: 2 Hot, 2 Furious.

• Julio Jones is still a beast-like person. No joke, just wanted to mention the obvious.
• The refs are already in “early season 2012” form it looks like. Generally it takes them a few weeks and a few games spent in Green Bay or New England to reach this level of ineptitude, so the fast start is pretty impressive. They still also don’t know what a catch is, but to be fair, no one really knows after about 100 years of sample size…
• Hey, what’s your favorite “second word” used by TV commentators to describe an “athletic” black quarterback? Is it “flashy”? Maybe “mature” or “dynamic” or “shifty”, or maybe it’s just “selfish”?
• Mike Glennon looks like an action figure that got melted in a microwave.
• So the Panthers may suck complete rhino butt and Cam Newton‘s shoulder might actually be dead.
• I love how the Bengals will typically have more players on suspension than players sitting out from injury.
• Grey is a great color for football pants. It’s great at hiding FAILURE. Think about it folks.

Top Plays in GIFs: [OAK@TEN] Adoree’ Jackson hurdles over Raiders Giorgio Tavecchio.

Two top plays from the Raiders-Titans game? What a time to be alive! Also, you should try Giorgio Tavecchio’s fragrance for men.

Hot Takes Alert! Patriots Version!

• Legend has it that Tom Brady forged his first Super Bowl ring in the fires of Mt. Goodell and infused it with so much of his power that as long as the ring lives, so does Brady, in one form or another. Adam Vinatieri was chosen to destroy that ring, but he withdrew from this great quest by moving to the very flat and very white marshland full of Walmarts named in ancient texts simply as: Indianapolis. Until he makes the great journey back to Foxboro and destroys the ring, he will never be able to retire and find rest. And neither shall we.
• I think I’ve figured it out by the way… the Patriots are good because they are merely competent in a league where most teams are terrible.

Top Plays in GIFs: [ATL@HOU] Austin Hooper stiff arms on his way to the end zone.

The answer to the always prescient question “How sh*tty are the Bears going to be this year”? Easy: VERY. I mean, I really don’t know what’s worse, the Bears pass offense, the Bears secondary, or Peyton Manning commercials… (Nationwide is making me miss the good old days when FanDuel commercials ruled the world. Maybe.)

Obligatory Week 1 Injury Report: EVERYONE IS DYING!

• Chicago Bears wide receiver Kevin White exited the game after suffering a shoulder injury. Crazy, Kevin White never gets injured. Reports indicate White suffered a broken collarbone and will be placed on injured reserve.
• Arizona Cardinals running back David Johnson did not return to the game after sustaining a wrist injury in the third quarter. Reports state the X-Rays on Johnson’s wrist were negative, but he’ll undergo an MRI today. And just in case, I should get one for my liver.
• Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Allen Robinson suffered an ACL injury in the first quarter against the Texans and did not return to the game. Reports show that Robinson tore his ACL based on initial tests. Robinson will undergo an MRI to confirm later today that you don’t need Brock Lobster to be useless.
• New York Giants receiver Odell Beckham Jr. (ankle) was ruled inactive by the team ahead of the season opener against the Dallas Cowboys yesterday and is considered questionable in Week 2.
• Houston Texans tight end Ryan Griffin, receiver Bruce Ellington, and tight end C.J. Fiedorowicz all left the game after sustaining concussions yesterday. Defensive end J.J. Watt injured his finger but returned to the game, because of grit I suppose.
• Seattle Seahawks running back Thomas Rawls (ankle) was inactive for the season opener. (Rawls practiced this past week but was a game-time decision.)

Top Plays in GIFs: [NYG@DAL] Cole Beasley playing with his ball for a First Down.

I don’t know about you, and all due respect to Danny Woodhead (RIP), but that catch was gritty as f*ck.

Interesting Tidbits Around the League: MORE TIDBITS FOR THE TIDBIT GOD!

• Old Man Witten rides again! Jason Witten broke the franchise receiving record last night, passing Michael Irvin (I’m thirsty for a Coke right now for some reason) with 11,974 total yards, 43 ahead of Irvin. Witten’s success can have only one result: Hipsters will want to emulate his salt and pepper beard, and you can’t use some sort of normal bleach or whatever, they will have to USE MERCURY. And they will then all go crazy and die. #MAGA.
• Yesterday marked the first time ever that Jared Goff faced off against Scott Tolzien when the Rams took on the Colts, the quarterback matchup I thought I never needed, which then was confirmed by all parties involved that I, in fact, didn’t need it. I’m pretty sure Jim Irsay did think that Tolzein was the next big thing in the pharmaceutical industry.
• This year marks the 13th time Frank Gore has taken the field in the NFL. How can you play 13 years at the RB position? Dude’s not human.
• I don’t know much about Jack Doyle, but he just sounds like a member of the Boston Mob, which is good enough for me.
• Yes, that is a new toupee for Dom Capers. Same defense though.

Top Plays in GIFs & Hot Takes Alert (Two for One Special!): [NYG@DAL] Ezekiel Elliott Beats Women Version!

• Ezekiel Elliott knows a thing or two about full frontal assault after that play. After all, he is a power rusher on the field… and in depositions. I mean, honestly, why wouldn’t you just check down to Zeke on this play instead? I assume he would beat the coverage, no?

• If Zeke keeps this type screen game going though, I’ll let him beat the crap outta me, amirite folks!? (Even though Elliott looks like Kanye West after a creatine breakdown…)

Top Plays in GIFs: [NYG@DAL] Anthony Brown picks off Eli Manning’s pass.

In what I can only describe as the Saltine Cracker of Sunday Night Football games, my main takeaway was that Giants fans have a lot to be excited about this year, like an entire winter with their Sunday schedules open. And is it just me, or does Eli Manning always look like he has this thought coursing through his mind: “Why does Coach McAdoo have posters of Menudo in his office?” Or sometimes this thought: “How many days until I just start drinking straight out of the bottle?” And in this case, we’re talking about chocolate milk bottles.

THE Top Play in Week 1: [ARI@DET] Kenny Golladay leaps to make a 45-yard TD catch.

So, Kenny Golladay appears willing to help Matthew Stafford (who I lovingly refer to as “Fatford”. Totally out of love. Yeah…) earn that new 135 million dollar contract he signed. I actually think it’s great that Stafford has been so charitable in offering to buy the entirety of Detroit with his new contract money. The real question is, what’s he going to do with the remaining 100 million? That’s like what, eight Clevelands? Also, the Lions football stadium is stunningly ugly. They should move to LA.

Final Thoughts: Ben McAdoo Edition!

Ben McAdoo looks like a guy who asks someone out on a date, and tells them they’re coming anyway.