by: Andrew Nordmeier
by: Jennifer
by: Jay
by: Jay
Uhhhhh... are you pointing at me? That look feels like sexual assault...
The tale of how these teams fared last week couldn't be more opposite than actual Jets and actual Bears. Missiles and salmon bro... totally different. Trailing by 17 before the half, the Chicago Bears rallied on the road in the 49ers home opener, probably causing at least three stabbings in the parking lot. On the flip side, the Jets led the hapless 2014 Packers 21-3 before the half, before they proceeded to do the Jetsiest thing imaginable and lose 31-24. The cherry on top was a 37-yard touchdown that would have brought them within one point with five minutes to go, but was negated by a Jets timeout. Mmmmm, so Jetsy. Will we get a combination of both dramatics and derpiness for tonight's Monday Night Football game? With Jay Cutler and Geno Smith, anything is possible folks.
by: Jay
by: Jay
I honestly can't tell you why the Steelers are getting the Sunday Night Football treatment, it's like this is 2008 or something, especially on a day where there was a rematch of 48 (XXLLVXLIIIX32jlsg84dfg as the Romans called it). But we get to see Big Ben HARF HARF HARF his way through a game against Cam Netwon and his wonder ribs. Which makes me hungry for ribs. Much was said in the preseason about how Cam Newton's receiver core was a downgrade. I believed the talk a little bit, seeing as how he didn't have an eligible receiver join the team up until a few months ago. All kidding aside, I wouldn't say that the receiver corps has downgraded too much, and Greg Olsen is still there to make my projections pee a little, so really, I would call Carolina an average to an above average NFL football team. Which means the Steelers should only lose by, like, four touchdowns... by: Jay
If you've been able to survive the narrative process for this game, which started back when 2014 NFL Schedule was released, we've finally made it. The rematch of all rematches from a Super Bowl game that was pretty boring (especially if you're from Portland). To be honest, I can't really remember anything after the Broncos snapped safety. That being said, there was plenty of Broncos derp and Manningface (which evolved into Manningsulk) to last a lifetime, so for another chance at something similar... sure, I'll watch.
"When was that?"
Well, you should remember, as it was only last week where 97% of the all ACL's in the NFL collectively exploded. I'm no doctor, so I had no idea that modern medicine was able to take an athlete, who was expected to be out 5-8 weeks, to practicing a few days after his injury, and might actually be playing in today's game. I'm obviously talking about Jamaal Charles, but he's not the only one who was affected by this dark wizardry insta-heal. In fact, the only player that seems to have been left out from this wonderful era in medicine appears to be Ryan Mathews. F*ck me, right?
by: malamoney
When Daniel LaRusso unleashed the crane kick on John Lawrence at the end of the finals of the 1984 All Valley Karate Championships, not only did he win the tournament and defeat the Cobra Kais, but he also made movie history. If any guy tells you that he's never gotten into the crane kick position, he's either lying, physically disabled or lying. The only movie scene I've reenacted more times than the crane kick is when Thornton Melon gets on the diving board, executes a few armpit farts and tests the wind with his thumb before pulling off the Triple Lindy.
What does any of this have to do with fantasy football? Very little, but if you want to be the best around (or at least in your league) you need to be willing to take advantage of any advice that may come your way. We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the Stats Machine, in competition: An opponent confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy. With that, I offer you the second installment of the Stats Machine in hopes that its content can give you that edge you deserve for reading this post. 
by: SethDaSportsMan
