Quarantine Day 27:

Hey all you cool cats and kittens. Did you see the story about the tiger at the Bronx Zoo that tested positive for coronavirus? Very sad. I blame Carole Baskin. Not just for the infection of this poor feline, but for the entire COVID debacle. Speaking of which, the CDC just released some new guidelines and in order to receive a COVID-19 test in the United States you must now meet at least one of these requirements:

     a) Politician

     b) Professional athlete (Major League Soccer doesn’t count)

     c) Movie star (Porn does count)

     d) Valued tiger at the zoo

And if you check all four boxes the CDC even throws in a free roll of TP. So far only one man has cashed in on that free roll of one-ply: my preferred 2020 presidential candidate, Darren Waller. Anyway, here’s my top 15 dynasty tight ends for 2020 fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 25:

I made a fire in the yard today while pondering my 2020 dynasty rankings. As I gazed into the flames, a series of vivid images began to appear. The Lord of Light was sending me a divine message about dynasty quarterbacks. Or maybe the mushrooms I had eaten were starting to kick in, hard to say. Either way, a life-size image of Kyler Murray arose from the blazing inferno. The meaning was clear, this dull and uneventful 20th year after 2000 will forever be know as the year of Kyler, and nothing else. Anyway, here’s my top 20 dynasty quarterbacks for 2020 fantasy football:   

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 22:

Yesterday was my girlfriend’s birthday. To answer your first question, yes, she is imaginary. But I still treated her to a special quarantine walk outside where we foraged for berries and I let her check the beaver traps. Even busted out a nice can of Spam for dinner. The good stuff, only 6 months past expiration. She was especially excited when I told her about my mock draft of players who haven’t been drafted into the NFL yet, for a fake football league that doesn’t exist and will never be played out. Best. Quarantine. Birthday. Ever.

So last week I gave you my dynasty rookie PPR mock draft recap where I acknowledged the mostly-meaningless nature of a pre-NFL draft rookie mock. But we have nothing better to do, so this week’s version was a 10-team, 4-round dynasty rookie mock draft for PPR, superflex leagues:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 20:

Time is a flat circle. A circle which begins to look like an octagon after 20 days of solitude in my underground virus bunker. The eight points represent the number of times per hour that I breakdown crying divided how many days I’ve been out of toilet paper. I’ve been spending my days deep in philosophical and metaphysical discussion with my new best friend, a football by the name of Wilstoner. The football’s a real free thinker. On the topic of free thinking, I gave you my top 20 and top 40 dynasty wide receivers for 2020 fantasy football a week or two back. Or maybe it was a month or two back, I don’t even know anymore. This quarantine time octagon has me all mixed up. Anyway, here’s my top 60 dynasty wide receivers for 2020 fantasy football co-authored by Wilstoner the football: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Earlier this week I gathered nine of my closest quarantined fantasy football industry friends for an arguably pointless dynasty rookie mock draft. After all, the NFL draft isn’t for another month; we don’t know what team these rookies will be drafted by. We also don’t know in which round those unknown teams will draft them. And we definitely don’t know what their immediate opportunity might look like on those mystery teams. But strangely enough, some dynasty leagues actually hold their rookie drafts prior to the NFL draft. And honestly, my schedule is pretty open these days other than scavenging for toilet paper and other softish paper products calling my butt’s name. Anyway, this was a 10-team, 3-round dynasty rookie mock draft for PPR, 1-QB leagues: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As I crawled through the desert wearing my backpack filled to the brim with toilet paper and various lotions, dying of sports thirst, a small rain drop landed squarely on my nose. The NFL players narrowly approved a new collective bargaining agreement Saturday night, lengthening the season by one game and expanding the playoffs to 14 teams; the rain drop for which I’d been longing. Then on Monday, the flood gates opened with a downpour of high profile free agent signings, trades and franchise taggings on the first day of legal tampering. 

Lightning struck when then Texans inexplicably handed DeAndre Hopkins and a 2021 4th rounder over to the Cardinals in exchange for David Johnson, a 2nd round draft pick and a 2020 4th rounder. The amount of hand sanitizer included in the deal was not disclosed, but my sources tell me at least three ounces of Purell headed back to Houston. The echo chamber seems to believe this move will have a decidedly negative affect on Nuk’s fantasy value, but I’m rose-colored in my year two outlook for the Kliff Kingsbury/Kyler Murray show. If he’s a mid to late 2nd round fantasy pick this year, I’ll dhop all over him.

Later the thunder rumbled as Stefon Diggs was dealt with a 2020 7th rounder to the Bills in exchange for pick #22, their 2020 5th, 2020 6th and 2021 4th rounder. I’ve seen many folks say this was a terrible deal for the Bills, but if you toss the 26 year old Diggs into this draft class he’d go top 10, right? And he’s signed to a reasonably team friendly deal thru 2023. Change of scenery may be just what Diggs needed. I’ll be buying again in 2020 and bumping Josh Allen up my board as well. Anyway, here’s what else I saw for 2020 fantasy football during this already crazy coronavirus-filled NFL offseason:  

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Two weeks ago I detailed my elaborate self-quarantine plans in the top 40 dynasty running backs post. Unfortunately, we’ve finally reached the tipping point here in the United States. Now I’m in day 3 of self-quarantine, doing my part to help “flatten the curve” and protect our healthcare system. But don’t even think about asking for any of my lotion stockpile, you should’ve taken heed to my warning two weeks back. I have countless hours of dynasty rosterbation ahead. On a related note, can someone please explain why people are buying up all the toilet paper, yet baby wipes are still fully stocked? Are people unfamiliar with the miracle of baby wipes? Anyway, while you’re bored in isolation, take a look at all of our dynasty and rookie rankings for 2020 fantasy football. I went over the top 20 dynasty wide receivers last week, now on to the top 40 dynasty wide receivers for 2020 fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m taking a break from my 2020 dynasty rankings to bring you an article about large sweaty men pounding on other equally sweaty men. If you found this page by Googling, “pounding sweaty men,” then welcome, you’re in the right place!

Running back is the fantasy position which takes the greatest wear on the body. But is the total number of carries a running back receives in any given season predictive of their production in the following season?

This is the question I set out to answer, specifically in regards to The Predator, Derrick Henry. In 2019 the big man rumbled for 1,540 yards and 16 touchdowns on 303 rushing attempts plus 18 catches for 206 yards and 2 touchdowns—posting the 2nd most running back fantasy points in standard scoring and 5th most fantasy points in PPR scoring. Henry also tacked on 83 playoff carries for 446 yards and 2 more touchdowns. This adds up to 386 carries on the season, the 3rd most of any running back in the past 10 seasons. Let’s take a look at the follow-up performances of all other high-volume backs over the past 10 years: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Socrates once said, “True knowledge exists in knowing you know nothing.” But if I know that I know nothing then isn’t that knowing something? What then? I’m already confused! What we can all agree on, based on my #9 ranking of Kerryon Johnson in my top 20 dynasty running backs, is that I’m a huge idiot AND I know nothing. Unless of course Kerryon happens to be a 22 year old fantasy RB1 this season. Then I’m just a regular size idiot because Juju Smith-Schuster has been omitted from my top 20 dynasty wide receivers. If somehow you resisted the urge to throw your computer against the wall in outrage at this news, then use that computer to take a look at the rest of our dynasty and rookie rankings for 2020 fantasy football. Anyway, here’s my top 20 wide receivers for 2020 PPR dynasty football: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?