Every third Thursday of November my herd gets together and we jam out to a variety of classic Michael Jackson tunes. My brother, Donkey Breath, can’t get enough Thriller; Pretty cliché, right? I’m always telling Breath he needs to dig a little further into The King of Pop’s repertoire. I myself prefer The Gloved One’s early years with The Jackson 5.

Jermaine, Jackie, Tito, Michael and their lesser known youngest brother, Lamar, composed some of the most dulcet melodies you’ll ever hear. Little Lamar couldn’t sing worth a donkey lick, but boy could he run! Many years later, the very same Lamar Jackson, who was definitely a member of the Jackson 5, has now been given the reigns to the Baltimore Ravens offense. Lamar has game changing speed and will be a threat to run for 100+ yards in every game. Add him immediately in all leagues if for no other reason than to keep him away from your opponents. Anyway, here’s some other players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Finally Election Day is upon us! And I know exactly what you’re thinking: Donkey, how can I vote Marquez Valdes-Scantling onto my fantasy team when 7 different commercials just exposed him as the rape-loving, baby-murdering, puppy-hating heathen he is? 

Fortunately for Marquez, his only opposition is Chief Geronimo Allison who’s also a rape-loving, baby-murdering, puppy-hating heathen. Geronimo also happens to fund terrorism and will miss at least 6 weeks due to core surgery. MVS is yet another in a long line of rookie wide receivers I’m recommending. He has a top QB and a clear path to targets; mark him down as a must-add in all leagues and call him a WR3 for the time being. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Absconding in solitude to a Southern Colorado cave for the past two weeks, I pondered the universe, those delicious Totino’s pizza rolls, and of course, the next great buy for your fantasy football team. Entranced in the depths of transcendental meditation that would make The Buddha blush, two syllables appeared in the ether over and over. Tre – Quan, Tre – Quan, Tre – Quan. The universe has spoken and Tre’Quan Smith must be acquired at once. The third round rookie out of Central Florida is a WR4 for now, but top 20 WR numbers for the rest of this season are well within the realm of possibilities with Ted Ginn out for the year. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Back in kindergarten I was a real ladies donkey. All the other little donkeys were worried about catching cooties, but not ole Donkey Teeth. Your boy was busy scheduling play dates with all the kindergarten hotties; there was little time to worry about contracting the cooties, in fact, Donkey Teeth wanted those cooties.

Fast forward a quarter century, and while it seems my prowess with the ladies may have peaked a little early, I’m still trying to catch all the cooties I can: Keke Coutee that is (proper pronunciation is cue-Tee, but cut me a little slack). Coutee, the fourth round rookie out of Texas Tech, set a modern day record with 11 catches in his debut this week. Will Fuller’s hamstrings are literally held together by black forest ham and some strings; if Fuller misses more time, Coutee could be in for some monster weeks. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more?

My roommate recently came into a bunch of free golf equipment. Apparently it fell off a truck. He’s now selling the goods off piecemeal via eBay and Craigslist, occasionally he’ll even throw in a sexual favor or two to close a deal. Titleist, Ping, Taylormade, Callaway: you name it he’s got it! Oh, you aren’t interested in a golf equipment/BJ combo deal? Well, there’s another Callaway who might stir your loins.

The Browns have finally cut ties with Josh Gordon. They stuck with Josh through thick and thin blunts, but an off the field hamstring injury? No, this the Browns could not tolerate. Now, a new extremely talented wide receiver with a clouded past and major character concerns will be thrust into the Cleveland limelight. Quick, get Antonio Callaway on your team before his weed stash runs out! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I was recently bestowed with the duty, nay, the honor of hosting our annual fantasy football auction draft at my home. For this momentous occasion I would spare no expense. I dashed out to the store and purchased a beautiful new deep fryer for our many draft day frying needs.

It was a splendid purchase for a glorious day. We fried fish, mozzarella sticks, mini wieners covered in puff pastry, mushrooms, pizza rolls, pickles (spears not the inferior pickle chips), cheese curds, mac n cheese bites; you name it, we fried it!

I was so elated with my brilliant fryer acquisition that I was blind to the future deep fryer backlash rapidly approaching. First, the unavoidable stomach ache from pounds of random fried foods and the numerous visits to my porcelain throne the next day; yes, this fryer post-effect was to be expected and accepted.

But then the greasy fryer oil stench encasing my garage for days to come, this I did not anticipate. Next, there’s the matter of fryer oil disposal. Did you know skunks like heavily used fryer oil? Well they do! Note to the reader: Do not dispose of used fryer oil on the brush pile in your fire pit unless you want a pack of crazed skunks digging holes in your yard.

The point is, we can’t get too enamored with our purchases in real life or in fantasy football. We must consider the opportunity cost of what we’re giving up, what else we might be able to acquire and the possible repercussions of these acquisitions. What might seem like a great purchase today could leave us with  a yard full of skunk holes and an unhappy girlfriend tomorrow. This must be a burden we’re willing to bear as we tread the path to fantasy football glory!

Please, blog, may I have some more?