It’s the age old question. Pondered by all the great philosophers for millennia. Debated by all great leaders and all feared dictators since the beginning of time. Beard or mustache? Abe Lincoln or Tom Selleck? Grizzly Adams or Groucho Marx? Gandalf or Ron Swanson? Merlin or Ron Burgundy? This enigmatic dispute has built for ages with no sign of a clear answer. That is, until Thursday night’s legendary culmination of Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Gardner Minshew: a Beard vs. Mustache rumpus to rule them all. And it was nothing but beard in this one as Ryan Fitzpatrick flashed his facial prowess at a clip of 18/20 for 160 yards, 7 carries for 38 yards and 2 passing touchdowns—he now has 4 touchdowns on the season. The virtual fan chants for Tua and his baby face goatee will have to wait another week.  Many will question whether this was a valid win for the beard crowd, citing the illegal use of Fitzmagic in this contest—and rightfully so. Unfortunately, we may never have a definitive answer to the greatest question in the history of mankind. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Miami Dolphins (+3) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Forecast: Dolphins at Jaguars, Fitzmagic at Minshew Magic, beard at moustache, it doesn’t get much better than this folks! Obviously this game will be all about Uncle Rico Minshew. His swag will cast a shadow so big on Thursday night that no other player will even be seen other than maybe Saucy Boi Preston Williams—who happens to be my favorite buy-low wide receiver target following weeks 1 and 2. But back to Minshew Mania: the Jock Strap King will arrive at the stadium 10 minutes before game time wearing nothing but a leopard print jock. Without any stretching or warm up throws, the mustachio’d one with lead the Jaguars on a 69 yard touchdown drive on the opening series. It’ll be all mustache from there except for a series he’ll take off after halftime while recording a track for his new album—see below. So jump on that sweet stache and ride it all the way to a Thursday night victory!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

After the week two Bloody Sunday Massacre, I knew it would be tough watching Monday Night Football this week. Anytime my man Darren Waller touched the ball I flinched in anticipation of another torn ACL or high ankle sprain. My standing Tuesday morning appointment with my fantasy football therapist, where I usually just complain about how unlucky I got in the past week’s matchups, will now be used to work thru this post traumatic fantasy stress syndrome. Fortunately, Darren Waller is one player I won’t need to cry about during that session as he destroyed the Saints’ defense with 12 catches for 103 yards and his 1st touchdown—let’s just hope he didn’t injure his back while carrying the Raiders offense. I ranked Big Sexy Waller as my #3 tight end and #36 overall in my 2020 fantasy football rankings so I’m looking pretty smart, as long as you ignore where I ranked Kerryon Johnson and a bunch of other players. Also, don’t ask why I’m required to wear a helmet around my house. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Who does week #2 work for? If you own any fantasy football players, then probably not you. That’s because everyone got injured on Sunday. Here’s a list of all the players who didn’t get hurt in week 2:

1. Frank Gore

2. Cal Ripkin

3. Hingle McCringleberry

I’ll have the interns fact check that list, but I’m pretty sure it’s accurate and complete. Some of the big name players affected by the week two injuryocolypse, include Christian McCaffrey, Raheem Mostert, Cam Akers, Davante Adams, Courtland Sutton, Will Fuller, Sterling Shepard, Breshad Perriman,  Jimmy Garoppolo, Drew Lock and Nick Bosa. But the biggest fantasy news of the day was Saquon Barkley who took 4 carries for 28 yards before being carted off with a knee injury. The Giants fear the worst: a torn ACL. This is terrible, everyone assemble the prayer octagon for Saquon. If the unthinkable is true, Dion Lewis (10 carries for 20 yards, 4 catches for 36 yards and his 1st touchdown) appears to be the next man up, but the never exciting Wayne Gallman (did not play) is still in the mix. Also, Devonta Freeman is now sleeping outside Giants’ headquarters waiting for the call. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Two nights ago I had a vivid dream. I was cruising down the South Carolina coast on a beautiful summers day, windows open and Katie Perry’s Dark Horse blaring on the speakers. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I see an enormous tidal wave towering over me. As I scrambled to roll up the windows, the big kahuna came crashing down on me like something out of an Odell Beckham Jr. fantasy—except less brown and more liquid. Well, I think more liquid, not positive on Odell’s preferred consistency. But next thing I knew I was laying awake in bed, sweat covered, clutching my Kerryon Johnson blow up doll. What did it all mean?

Naturally, like any deranged fantasy football addict, I assumed the dream was forewarning of the impending injury wave set to billow down on all of my fantasy football teams in week 2. Turns out, I misinterpreted all the signs. The vehicle in my dream was actually my week two fantasy opponents, and the colossal wave was Nick Chubb demolishing them with his 22 carries for 124 yards, 1 catch for 9 yards and 2 touchdowns. Kareem Hunt dove into the storm too with 10 carries for 86 yards, 2 catches for 15 yards and 2 touchdowns of his own. I told you in my weekly Thursday Night Football predictions that Chubb would return to full mast . I missed on my prediction of Baker Mayfield leaving at half time to record Progressive commercials, but one for two isn’t bad. Hopefully no one freaked out and traded Chubb away for another, more flaccid back after his poor showing in week one. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Cincinnati Bengals (+6) at Cleveland Browns

Forecast: Nice of the NFL to serve us up the Ohio Toilet Bowl as a week 2 primetime game. On the plus side, you know Odell Beckham Jr. is always ready to go for the toilet bowl! But Odell’s disturbing fetish won’t be the only story line of our week two Thursday Night Football match up. Don’t take your eyes off Myles Garrett on the opening drive. He’ll sack the Bengals rookie QB, Joe Burrow, and knock him out of the game by ripping Burrow’s new bling chain off and beating him over the head with it. After the rookie’s departure, Ryan Finley will keep the Bengals in this one by peppering A.J. Green and Tyler Boyd with his deep ball, in the 5-7 yard range. On the ground, Nick will get his Chubb back, but Mixon will continue to leave his owners limp. And down the stretch, it’ll be Case Keenum flinging the feces to OBJ; Baker Mayfield has accidentally doubled booked for Thursday night and he’ll have to sneak away at halftime to record a few Progressive commercials.  Browns 28, Bengals 17

Wager: Browns -6 (1 Unit)

2020 Season: 0-1 (-1.1 Units)

 

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 2:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Has anyone else been up since Thursday night? This football stuff is a hell of a drug. My hundredth sleepless hour was marked by a somber event on Monday morning when we conducted a Viking funeral on a nearby pond for my Kerryon Johnson Fathead. The Jonathan Taylor Fathead was disturbingly excited to launch the flaming arrow into Kerryon’s boat. When the police showed up to our fiery procession, I explained what was going on and they laughed at me for drafting Kerryon Johnson, again.

Monday night couldn’t come soon enough.

Unfortunately the Steelers/Giants game had me wishing I was back at Kerryon’s Viking funeral for most of the first half. The big story from that first game was Benny Snell who easily looked like the best running back in the Steelers backfield, rumbling for 113 yards on 19 carries. With James Conner appearing slow and also “being evaluated” for a mystery injury, Snell jumps to priority numero uno on my waiver claims list this week ahead of Nyheim Hines and Joshua Kelley; the Steelers’ second year man has legit RB1 upside. Here’s what I said about Snell when I ranked him #59 in my top 60 running back rankings, “It’s a crowded young backfield behind James Conner, but Uncle Benny is my favorite Steelers RB target this year. He looked great in his rookie season before getting banged up. Conner’s now been injured each of the last two seasons. Two plus two equals Benny. Someone please check my math there . . .” The interns did check my math and I guess it checks out. So open up your pocket books and Snell the coffee. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Saturday was a momentus day for NFL contract extensions. It was like a scene from The Oprah Winfrey Show. You get a new contract! You get a new contract! And you, Mr. Fournette, get a signed copy of Oprah’s new book Journey to Beloved! Free money giveaway for everyone but Leonard! It all really started last summer when Jerry Jones bent over and gave Zeke his 30 year, 10 billion dollar contract, completely resetting the fair market value for NFL running backs.

Christian McCaffrey was quick to cash in back in April, followed recently by Joe Mixon, Dalvin Cook and now Alvin Kamara. Rams’ wide receiver Cooper Kupp dipped his paw into the honey pot too, signing a three-year 48 million dollar extension on Saturday. Heck, I even decided to hold out over the weekend and Razzball agreed to meet all of my contract demands by giving me one Chipotle burrito—WITH guac. Now we have another running back who’s sure to want a new contract: Josh Jacobs took 25 carries for 93 yards, 4 catches for 46 yards and 3 touchdowns in the newly minted Vegas Raiders’ opener. By my math, that’s worth at least 800 billion dollars. The legendary Rudy Gamble Pigskinonator (only $17.99 for the entire season) projected Jacobs as the #4 fantasy running back this week, smart bot. Sign up for a 7 day free trial now! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Did you see what’s going on out in San Francisco? I’m sure you’ve seen, it’s a pretty big story; that crazy pandemic sex party involving 8 emus, 2 wild boars, a bunch of “little people” and a fountain of semen. True story. Oh, and the whole surrounding bay area is on fire causing extremely poor air quality which has put the Cardinals and 49ers game in jeopardy of being postponed. Besides the tragedy of people’s homes burning down, I also own Kyler Murray on 49 of my 50 fantasy teams. So I’m not crazy about this developing story. I mean the fires story, the sex party stuff was actually kind of intriguing. So stay safe if you’re out west and keep tabs on the status of the Cardinals/49ers game if you own any of their players. And if you end up needing help finding last minute replacements, my week one fantasy football rankings will continue to be updated all the way up until Sunday kickoff. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I went to the doctor yesterday to request a procedure. No, not an enlargement, those are apparently on hold until post-pandemic. I was there to see if my doc would inject the Thursday night Texans vs. Chiefs game directly into my veins; I wasn’t sure if ocular consumption would be enough to tide my cravings until Sunday afternoon. You wouldn’t believe how rude the women at the front desk was to me. Here’s a direct quote, “Sir, this is a Wendy’s! Please stop talking to the Dr. Pepper dispenser and put your clothes back on!” Hey, lady, how bout a little compassion for an addict?!

Speaking of compassion, Clyde Edwards-Helaire had none of it for the Texans in the season opener. The hyped up rookie gashed the Houston defense by taking 25 carries for 138 yards and a touchdown. Granted there were times when it seemed the Texans had only 3-men in the box and Clyde didn’t impress at the goal line, but even Edwards-Helaire haters have to admit he looked great otherwise. And the Mahomes led offense will yield plenty of light boxes throughout the season. I ranked CEH #11 overall in my 2020 fantasy football rankings, and looking to the rest of the season, I’d bump him up to #5 or 6 after this impressive week one workload. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?