If you’re familiar with the backstory of Donkey Kong then you know that Mario is the villain of the series. Mario’s an abusive owner in the game and tries to keep Donkey Kong caged up. I always knew there was something off about that Mario dude. On Monday night, Darius Slay was cast in the role of Mario, attempting to lockdown D.K. Metcalf. But the beast could not be contained, going off for 10 catches and 177 yards as he demolished Philly. D.K. didn’t find the end zone, but could easily have finished with three scores if it weren’t for a misfire from Russ, a tackle at the one yard line and a drop. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:Please, blog, may I have some more?
As the Titans team bus cruised from the Indy airport to the team hotel, Afroman’s Greatest Hits blared through the vehicle’s sound system. Derrick Henry was tucked in the back row nodding along, “Colt 45 and two Zig Zags, baby that’s all we need.” It was then that Henry set his goal of scoring 45 PPR fantasy points against the Indianapolis Colts in his week 12 matchup. The big man was well on his way in 2nd quarter when he punched in his third touchdown of the first half. But the Colt 45 wasn’t meant to be as Henry finished the day with only 27 carries for 178 yards, 2 catches for 7 yards and his 10th, 11th and 12 touchdowns. If only Ryan Tannehill (13/22 for 221 yards, 2 carries for 3 yards, 1 passing touchdown and 1 rushing touchdown) hadn’t vultured that 4th touchdown, oh what might have been. Henry would be at the park after dark, smoking that tumbleweed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:Please, blog, may I have some more?
As my Kerryon Johnson fathead and I prepared for our first Zoomsgiving on Thursday morning, I could feel the Excitement growing. Yes, I’ve named my dong “Excitement.” So I fired up AOL dialup connection to join the Razz-family Zoom call. Nothing could have prepared me for what I’d see on the other side of the screen once my 17 minute dial up was complete. The things Rudy Gamble, Pigskinonator and their Will Fuller fathead were doing would make Louis C.K. blush. A couple hours later ,Will Fuller came through again with a monstrous game against the Lions, catching 6 passes for 171 yards and his 7th and 8th touchdowns. The great Pigskinonator foreshadowed all of this, of course, projecting Fuller as its #3 fantasy wide receiver for week 12 and projecting Deshaun Watson (17/25 for 318 yards, 8 carries for 24 yards and 4 touchdowns–he now has 24 touchdowns) as its #2 QB for the week. If you haven’t tasted the deliciousness of the Pig-bot yet, we’re still offering a free 3-day trial and then it’s only $5.99 for the final month of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning (except Thanksgiving week!) for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
Texans (-3) at Lions
Forecast: Thanksgiving wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a crappy Lions team playing in the morning game and your drunk Uncle Arlo yelling about his all-time favorite Lions player, Whizzer White. This is a matchup of Belichick minions with Matt Patricia and Romeo Crennel facing off—think we know who has the advantage. In honor of the holiday, Patricia will dress up as a turkey. Little does the Lions’ coach know, Matthew Stafford has a debilitating fear of turkeys—meleagrisphobia, it’s a real thing. When Stafford sees the enormous bird gobbling away on his sideline, he’ll run for the locker-room and never look back. With Chase Daniel tagging in for their meleagrisphobic QB, Detroit won’t stand a chance against J.J. Watt and the hungry Texans. Texans 31, Lions 17
Wager: Texans -3 (4 Units)
2020 Season: 2-9 (-4.65 Units)
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 12 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If you’re only into ground and pound games then read no further. There were a total of 79 rushing yards between both the Rams and Bucs on Monday night. There was even less runs than the time I stopped eating Chipotle for an entire year. But what this game lacked in rushing was made up for in the passing department as the teams combine for a total of 99 passing attempts. The Rams’ air attack ended up being the headline as Jared Goff went 39/51 for 376 yards, 3 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. Cooper Kupp hauled in 11 of those passes for 145 yards, while Robert Woods snatched another 12 of them for 130 yards and his 7th touchdown. Both of these pass catchers are rock solid WR2 options, and Goff remains a nice streamer with a friendly playoff schedule on the horizon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:Please, blog, may I have some more?
When Taysom Hill was a senior in high school he received all kinds of offers from big name college football programs, eventually committing to play for John Harbaugh at Stanford One night God came to Hill in a dream, “Taysom!” called God, “I can not permit you to play for that khaki wearing loser, John Harbaugh. Your calling is much higher. You’re needed for a two-year Mormon mission in Australia. But in exchange for your service, one day I will crack 11 of Drew Brees’s ribs giving you the chance to start in the NFL. Also, make sure you wash your hands and take your vitamins when 2020 rolls around.” And so Taysom, as a loyal servant to the lord, went to Australia to spread the good word. 12 years later God made good on his promise by crushing almost half of the ribs in Brees’s body. Hill took full advantage of the gift from above, going 18/23 for 233 yards passing while also taking 10 carries for 51 yards, 2 rushing touchdowns and a fumble lost. I know there’s a lot of hatred out in the fantasy world for Taysom Hill, but you’ll find me lining up on the other side of the debate. What can I say, I love mobile quarterbacks. Hill’s in a fantastic offense with a great coach as well as an elite wide receiver and running back which will make life a nightmare for opposing defenses. He should be rostered by someone (maybe not you) in all leagues for the immediate future, and I’d be buying Hill aggressively in dynasty leagues. He’s obviously the QB of the future in New Orleans. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Remember Jason Pierre-Paul’s infamous firework accident that resulted in a mangled hand, and eventually a club hand which he’d use to beat offensive linemen over the head? We came into Thursday night’s Cardinals at Seahawks game expecting all kinds of beautiful fantasy fireworks, but instead we were left with a limp disfigured hand. Hopefully we can transform this disappointment into our own club hand. It wasn’t all bad news though, as Carlos Hyde played it safe with bottle rockets and sparklers in his return from his hamstring injury. Hyde took 14 carries for 79 yards and 2 catches for 16 yards, adding in his 3rd touchdown. But don’t get too excited about playing Hyde the sausage with Carlos, odds are Chris Carson (foot) makes his return in week 12. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
Arizona Cardinals (+3) at Seattle Seahawks
Forecast: Kyler Murray. That’s it, that’s the forecast. What, you want more? Sorry, I’m a little distracted; I spent all day trying to figure out how to inject Kyler Murray highlights into my veins. Actually, I spent the first hour of the day trying to figure that out and then the next 10 hours in the emergency room. Turns out it’s “not safe” to insert an HDMI cable into your forearm. Psssh. The medical professionals recommend I continue to ingest my Kyler highlights thru the eye holes only. What do doctors know? I have big plans for rectal consumption of Thursday night’s game where Kyler will show off his culinary skills making Russell Wilson look like my Aunt Mildred who can’t even cook a frozen pizza. The Cardinals will come out of Thursday alone in first place in the NFC West, just another step toward that Lombardi Trophy I predicted Kyler would hoist back in the preseason. Cardinals 31, Seahawks 21
Wager: Cardinals ML +140 (1 Unit)
2020 Season: 2-8 (-3.65 Units)
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 11 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Most who are educated on Viking lore are familiar with the legendary Lief Erikson, the first European to ever set foot on the North American continent. But generations before Lief raped and pillaged his way across the ocean, there was one even more historic Viking: Ragnar Thielen. You won’t read about Ragnar in any of those propagandized history books. He was the most peaceful of the Vikings. Instead of collecting skulls Ragnar spent his time knitting with the skin of pig. That’s right, old Ragnar Thielen created the first football back in the year 969. Fast forward 1,051 years and his great-greatX20-grandson Adam Thielen showed how the pigskin runs in his veins as he snatched 4 catches for 43 yards and his 8th and 9th touchdowns. Viking lore aside, I’ve been saying since summer that Thielen is a first half player. In the last two seasons he’s caught only two touchdowns in 12 games after the first week in November. This could be the year he bucks the trend, but I’m not betting on it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:Please, blog, may I have some more?
What a weekend! Masters Sunday in November due to pandemic scheduling. College football hanging on by a thread with virus outbreaks and cancelled games. But the NFL? No worries, mon. It was a light news cycle this week with lots of wind and weather, but one man had the gall to go off. Wayne Gallman toted 18 carries for 53 yards, caught 1 pass for 7 yards and hit pay dirt for his 4th and 5th touchdowns. Wayne Enterprises’ stock spiked this past week when Devonta Freeman (hamstring) was placed on the IR. Somehow Gallman’s only owned in 50% of Yahoo leagues. Most of those leagues are probably abandoned but make sure yours isn’t one of them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:Please, blog, may I have some more?