A quick google search tells me there’s only three predators capable of killing a Jaguar. The first is the anaconda—that big ass snake from the Jon Voight movie. The second is the caiman—these little gator looking guys in Mexico and South America. And the third, of course, is Derrick Henry—which makes sense because he looks a lot like a Predator. In week 13 last year, Henry took 17 carries for 238 yards and 4 touchdowns. I remember that game well because I was required to attend a 2.5 hour holiday lights trolley tour on that Thursday night which, to my surprise, turned out to be much more pleasant than watching Derrick Henry destroy my fantasy hopes and dreams before the week even started. Fast forward around 12 months, if you were playing against The Predator this week then I hope you also had a long Sunday afternoon holiday light trolley tour to attend. Henry rumbled for 159 yards on 19 carries plus another 16 yards on 1 reception and 2 touchdowns—he has 10 touchdowns on the season and is now under protest by PETA for his crimes against Jaguars. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Two weeks into the first round of the inaugural RazzBowl Playoffs and its been all RotoViz. With only one week remaining in round one, RotoViz’s Hasan Rahim and Mike Beers hold the the top two spots in the RazzBowl Championship Bracket. These two competitors remind me a lot of Myles Garrett and Antonio Brown, farting in their competitor’s faces and then bashing them over the head with their own helmets. Wait, where am I? What’s that smell? Oh, it’s just those RotoViz boys doing their thing. The RazzBowl Committee is now keeping a close eye on the actions of RotoViz as a whole, they’re on double secret probation!Â
I’m sure you’re also wondering about Team Donkey Teeth because you spend most of your spare time thinking about my fantasy teams, right? Thanks for caring! We’re hanging in there — 16th place in the RazzBowl Wildcard Bracket — poised to advance on to round two in the Wildcard Bracket or maybe even make the leap to the Championship Bracket with a big week 12 performance. Anyway, since there’s no more pickups, let’s take a look back at some of the best bargains who were taken in the top 100 on RazzBowl Draft Day across all 15 of our leagues. Psych! First I need to mention the RazzBowl 2020 signup, which is now live! Alright, now lets look at those draft bargains . . .Â
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kyler? I Hardly Know Her!
November 18, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 20 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Have you heard Kyler Murray was not only the #1 overall pick in the 2019 NFL draft but also the #9 overall pick in the 2018 MLB draft? Of course you’ve heard, you haven’t been living under an Antonio Brown fart for that last five months. Wait, you HAVE been living under an Antonio Brown fart for the last five months?! What was it like under there? How did you survive? Tell me everything! Oh right, Kyler Murray—he’s an incredible athlete on par with the Deshaun Watsons and Lamar Jacksons of the world. Murray flashed his freak athleticism this week against the stout 49ers defense going 24/33 for 150 yards with 2 passing touchdowns while tacking on 8 carries for 67 yards and a rushing touchdown. Kyler Söze now has 14 passing touchdowns and 3 rushing touchdowns on the season as he led the Cardinals in a valiant effort against the first place 49ers, falling just shy of a huge upset. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football: Â
Please, blog, may I have some more? Aaron Jones Reeks of Limburger
November 11, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 18 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Few people know why the Packers are called “Cheeseheads.” It’s tradition: the worst Packer performer from the previous week is bestowed with a chunk of stinky Limburger cheese which is stuffed into the bottom of their helmet for the following game. In week 9, Aaron Jones took 8 carries for 30 yards and hauled in 1 catch for -1 yards. Needless to say, he was Mr. Limburger for their week 10 game against Carolina and their dairy boy tracked down an extra stinky piece of cheese for this contest. This wedge of stank carried such a putrid scent that the Panthers defense gave the Packer running back a little extra space to roam on Sunday afternoon. Aaron Jones took full advantage, rumbling for 93 yards and 3 touchdowns on 13 carries—he now has an impressive 14 touchdowns on the season. Rest of Season Player Rater has him listed as RB#10 and I’d even bump him a couple spots higher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:  Â
Please, blog, may I have some more?Sign up for the 2020 RazzBowl now!
The highly anticipated inaugural RazzBowl playoffs are finally upon us! That’s right, we talkin’ bout playoffs! Our leader heading into the playoffs is Mike Beers of Rotoviz who jumped into the top spot with a powerful run to finish the regular season, lead by a three-headed monster of Christian McCaffrey, Dalvin Cook and Derrick Henry.Â
Beers is joined by another 89 members from our field of 180 industry participants—with a few lucky fans sprinkled in—advancing on into the playoffs. The top 3 teams from each league have advanced into the RazzBowl Championship Bracket (45 teams) while the 4-6 ranked teams in each league have advanced into the RazzBowl Wildcard Bracket (45 teams). The first round of the playoffs will last three weeks with the top 15 teams from the Championship Bracket moving on, plus the top 3 teams from the Wildcard Bracket jumping up into the Championship Bracket for round 2. If you’re crazy enough to get into these weeds, the full RazzBowl Playoff rules can be viewed here by clicking the “Prizes” link on the left side of the screen. Â
The best ball portion of the competition is complete and now our competitors must choose their lineups manually moving forward. This is where we separate the men from the donkeys. The FAAB portion of the contest has also ended and rosters are now etched in stone thru the end of the playoffs in week 16. Since there were no new pickups this week, let’s take look at how some of the top RazzBowl adds from earlier in the season have fared:
Please, blog, may I have some more?After the NFL Scouting Combine this past year, much was made of D.K. Metcalf’s rippling muscles. My boss was talking up the Ole Miss product’s biceps. My girlfriend was enamored with his bustling chest. Even Momma-Donk called to ask about D.K.’s glutes. But what nobody talked about were his bulging calves. That is until week 9, when the Buccaneers defense was hypnotized by Metcalf’s leg beef.
The entire Seahawks offense took full advantage of this calf-muscle-induced hypnosis with Russell Wilson going 29/43 for 378 yards and 5 touchdowns—he now has 22 passing touchdowns on the season—Tyler Lockett snagged 13 catches for 152 yards and 2 touchdowns—he now has 6 touchdowns on the season—and the sexy calved beast himself, D.K. Metcalf, hauled in 6 catches for 153 yards and his 5th touchdown. The Buccaneer defense will attempt to snap out of the trance before gazing into Kyler Murray’s sparkling eyes next week. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? RazzBowl Revelations: Highscool Flashbacks
November 2, 2019 | RazzBowl | 5 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
As a much younger donkey I tried out for the highschool basketball team. I was galloping all over the court at tryouts, nobody could defend me. Really thought I had a spot locked up on the team but when the dreaded cut day came around, they gave me the axe. I guess donkey kicking defenders is “frowned upon.” Pssssh.Â
Fast forward to present day. RazzBowl cuts are only days away and I’m having flashbacks to basketball tryouts. Half our impressive field of 180 industry competitors, with a handful of fans mixed in, will be eliminated come Monday evening. The night terrors are unbearable!
One person who doesn’t have to worry about the first RazzBowl cut is Pat Fitzmaurice of The Football Girl. Fitzmaurice has now held the lead for three consecutive weeks and has been top 3 in the overall standings for the entire season except for one week when he fell down to 6th place. Pat’s performance to this point has been so dominant that the RazzBowl Committee is considering rebranding the contest as the FitzBowl next year. But the RazzBowl Committee is very corrupt so the CloroxBleachBowl is the front runner.
What makes the RazzBowl especially unique compared to other best ball formats and industry leagues is our addition of a $10 FAAB budget for the entire way season with a minimum of $1 bids. This allows teams to cycle out dead roster spots (e.g. Andrew Luck, Lamar Miller, etc) but it also means each team will only be allowed a maximum of ten moves for the entire season. Every dollar of each competitor’s free agent budget is just as precious as a Bill Belichick smile.
When teams choose to pony up their FAAB, it’s worthwhile to take a look and see why. There could be a goldmine of speculative adds buried in the RazzBowl transactions this season.
Here were the top FAAB buys in the final week of RazzBowl FAAB bidding:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Coleman Pitches a Tent
October 28, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 16 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I used to put my trusty Coleman tent to work every summer. A group of college friends and I would gather for a long weekend of debauchery and mosquito bites. Eventually, after enough blood loss, we outgrew the authentic camping experience and upgraded to cabin glamping. Also, our old campsite not-so-politely asked us to never come back. Regardless, my Coleman tent hasn’t seen any use in recent years. That is, until yesterday, when Tevin Coleman helped me pitch a tent as he obliterated the Panthers defense with 11 carries for 105 yards, 2 catches for 13 yards and 4 touchdowns! Who do I call if my tent has been erect for over 24 hours? Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:Â
Please, blog, may I have some more? RazzBowl Revelations: Donkey Dreams
October 26, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Football, RazzBowl | 8 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I had a vivid dream last night. It was so real. I was in bed, buck naked, with my supermodel girlfriend on one side and the RazzBowl trophy nestled on my other side. When I awoke, only one of the objects of my affection was actually there: the RazzBowl trophy. That’s right, I sleep naked with the RazzBowl trophy every night! And my supermodel girlfriend is out of town for the weekend doing supermodel stuff.
But there’s another man with his eyes and heart set on the now moist RazzBowl trophy: Pat Fitzmaurice of The Football Girl. Our top dog, Fitzmaurice, has extended his lead out to a commanding 38 points and has now held the lead back to back weeks and, maybe even more impressively, his squad has been top 3 in the overall standings for the entire season except for one week when he fell down to 6th place. Can he close the deal and lay with the fabled RazzBowl trophy? Only time will tell.
What makes the RazzBowl especially unique compared to other best ball formats and industry leagues is our addition of a $10 FAAB budget for the entire way season with a minimum of $1 bids. This allows teams to cycle out dead roster spots (e.g. Andrew Luck, Lamar Miller, etc) but it also means each team will only be allowed a maximum of ten moves for the entire season. Every dollar of each competitor’s free agent budget is just as precious as a Bill Belichick smile.
When teams choose to pony up their FAAB, it’s worthwhile to take a look and see why. There could be a goldmine of speculative adds buried in the RazzBowl transactions this season.
Here were the top buys from the penultimate RazzBowl FAAB run (FAAB ends after next week’s run), along with some donkey thoughts:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Dak Nearly Loses Finger While Feeding Zeke
October 21, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 11 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
It’s a well known fact: Ezekiel Elliott has an insatiable appetite. The star running back has been begging anyone and everyone to feed him since all the way back to Pop Warner, but the hunger has never subsided. This past September the Cowboys finally broke down and gave Zeke a little grocery money of his own. But the Dallas RB hasn’t been able to locate the Whole Foods Market in his neighborhood and continues to ask for handouts. Fortunately, his best bud Dak Prescott (21/27 for 239 yards, 5 carries for 30 yards and 2 touchdowns) continues to be charitable, feeding Zeke the pigskin 22 times for 111 yards plus another 6 thru the air for 36 more yards and his 6th touchdown as the Cowboys trounced the Eagles on Sunday night. Watch those fingers Dak! Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:Â
Please, blog, may I have some more? RazzBowl Revelations: Pour One Out for Our Fallen Mahomies
October 19, 2019 | RazzBowl | 4 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
It’s with great sadness that I write this weekly RazzBowl update. Team Donkey Teeth has just lost one of it’s best less than 48 hours ago. Fortunately, although my Mahomey is down, it seems he may not be out for the count. My emergency Mahomes prayer hexagon assembled yesterday and has succeeded in saving the top QB’s season, at least for now. The joy of football Sunday’s won’t be quite the same for the next couple weeks, but rest assured my team will persevere. I’ll be taking the rest of the guys apple picking today to lift their spirits and next week I’ve arranged for a nude body painting class—team morale will soon be at all-time highs. Things are pointing up, if you know what I mean.
Shifting our attention over to the RazzBowl overall standings, Pat Fitzmaurice of The Football Girl has reclaimed the top spot in the standings once again with a 13 point lead over Adam Ronis of Fulltime Fantasy and Sirius XM. Michael Stepney of The Fantasy Authority hangs onto 3rd place as our top 3 have separated themselves from the pack with a 37 point drop off to Danny Kelly of The Ringer in 4th place. With only 3 weeks remaining until the bottom half of every league is eliminated and the playoffs commence; it’s time to buckle down!
What makes the RazzBowl especially unique compared to other best ball formats and industry leagues is our addition of a $10 FAAB budget for the entire way season with a minimum of $1 bids. This allows teams to cycle out dead roster spots (e.g. Andrew Luck, Lamar Miller, etc) but it also means each team will only be allowed a maximum of ten moves for the entire season. Every dollar of each competitor’s free agent budget is just as precious as a Bill Belichick smile.
When teams choose to pony up their FAAB, it’s worthwhile to take a look and see why. There could be a goldmine of speculative adds buried in the RazzBowl transactions this season.
Here were the top buys from the FAAB-poor RazzBowlers this week, along with some donkey thoughts:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Lions Discount Double Checked by Zebras
October 15, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 11 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
It was Aaron Rodgers‘ agent—Gabe, not that nice State Farm guy—who contacted the referees Monday morning with his very indecent proposal. “Illegal hands to the face,” Gabe whispered, “and be sure to delete those emails!” Trey Flowers and the Lions were the innocent victims of this elaborate conspiracy, with Flowers erroneously flagged twice in the 4th quarter as the officials gifted the game to the Packers. Final score: Lions 22 – Packers 13 – Refs 10. Anyway, here’s what else I saw Monday night in fantasy football:Â
Please, blog, may I have some more?