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Donkey Teeth

Author: Donkey Teeth

Read some of Donkey Teeth's 332 posts

Donkey Teeth

Darnold Plays Spin the Bottle

October 14, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 16 Comments

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The entire Jets offense was giddy when Sam Darnold strolled into the locker-room Sunday carrying his vintage Coca-Cola bottle. After four weeks of quarantine with the kissing disease, Darnold was ready to play games with his favorite group of guys. First, the young QB locked eyes with Robby Anderson (5 catches for 125 yards and his 1st touchdown) for a juicy 92 yard score. Next he played touch and squeeze with Ryan Griffin (3 catches for 28 yards and his 1st touchdown). Even Le’Veon Bell (14 carries for 50 yards and his 2nd touchdown) snuck into the circle and gave the bottle a twirl. Sammy Big D went 23/32 for 338 yards and 2 touchdowns in his triumphant return as the Jets upset the Cowboys. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

RazzBowl Revelations: Opossum in the Road

October 12, 2019 | RazzBowl | 21 Comments

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Driving down a dark neighborhood street last night, I came across an opossum chilling in the middle of the road. This little marsupial, with a penchant for playing dead, got me thinking about one of my RazzBowl players who I sure thought was dead until week 5 happened: Will Fuller. The Varmint scored 3 touchdowns in week 5 as he powered Team Donkey Teeth all the way up from 49th to 18th place. 

Enough about me. Unless you want to hear more? No? Dang.

Michael Stepney of The Fantasy Authority has reclaimed the top RazzBowl spot once again over Pat Fitzmaurice of The Football Girl with Adam Ronis of Full Time Fantasy rounding out the top three, all separated by less than 15 points. But look out fellas, Donkey Teeth—like Will Fuller—was only playing dead. RazzBowl on! 

What makes the RazzBowl especially unique compared to other best ball formats and industry leagues is our addition of a $10 FAAB budget for the entireway season with a minimum of $1 bids. This allows teams to cycle out dead roster spots (e.g. Andrew Luck, Lamar Miller, etc) but it also means each team will only be allowed a maximum of ten moves for the entire season. Every dollar of each competitor’s free agent budget is just as precious as a Bill Belichick smile.

When teams choose to pony up their FAAB, it’s worthwhile to take a look and see why. There could be a goldmine of speculative adds buried in the RazzBowl transactions this season.

Most RazzBowlers are now more broke than Donkey Teeth after the sugar beet farmers market comes to town, but here’s a few players our competitors splurged for this week:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Always Fuller After Eating Falcon

October 7, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 50 Comments

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Falcons are a protected species in the United States, but over in India they actually have an annual two-week falcon hunt where thousands upon thousands of falcons are massacred each year. It was on a pilgrimage to the Taj Mahal that Will Fuller developed a taste, or rather an addiction, to these beautiful birds of prey. So when the Falcons glided into Houston on Sunday, they never stood a chance against the bloodthirsty Fuller as he went off for 217 yards on 14 catches with his first 3 touchdowns of the season. The Texans wide receiver will now go into hiding for several weeks as the authorities attempt to track him down for his foul treatment of the fowl. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

RazzBowl Revelations: Grab Tate, Mate

October 5, 2019 | RazzBowl | 9 Comments

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We have a new leader atop the RazzBowl standings after week 4—Pat Fitzmaurice of TheFootballGirl.com raced into the coveted spot on the legs of huge weeks from Chris Godwin, Jameis Winston, Austin Ekeler and David Johnson. Fitzmaurice now holds a meager 6 point lead in front of last week’s leader Michael Stepney, and the top 5 are separated by less than 30 points. Shout out to the 4 Razzball contributors who have risen into the top 12 (Zach 8th, Boof 9th, Pat 10th and Rudy 12th), keep up touching and squeezing, fellas. Yours truly is still stalking Donkey style down in 49th (of 180). I hope y’all are ready, things are about to get freaky on Team DT! 

What makes the RazzBowl especially unique compared to other best ball formats and industry leagues is our addition of a $10 FAAB budget for the entire season with a minimum of $1 bids. This allows teams to cycle out dead roster spots (e.g. Andrew Luck, Lamar Miller, etc) but it also means each team will only be allowed a maximum of ten moves for the entire season. Every dollar of each competitor’s free agent budget is just as precious as a Bill Belichick smile.

When teams choose to pony up their FAAB, it’s worthwhile to take a look and see why. There could be a goldmine of speculative adds buried in the RazzBowl transactions this season.

The first four weeks of the RazzBowl saw our industry competitors flush almost as much imaginary free agent money down the toilet as Antonio Brown managed to squander during two weeks of September. Week 5 saw our competitors tighten up their pocket books like Donkey Teeth when the dinner bill arrives. Seriously, who ordered all those drinks! 

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Godwin’s Wieners

September 30, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 9 Comments

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Chris Godwin could only watch hopelessly last week as Mike Evans gave Jameis Winston some of his family’s secret man meat and then went on to catch 3 touchdowns. After the game, having seen the way to Winston’s heart, Godwin immediately went to work on a wurst recipe of his own. We’ll never know exactly how it went down when Godwin presented his juicy wiener to Jameis in the locker room early Monday morning. What we do know is, Chris Godwin reclaimed his position atop Winston’s best friends list receiving 14 targets against the Rams which he turned into 12 catches for 172 yards and his 3rd and 4th touchdowns. What will Mike Evans (4 catches for 89 yards and his 4th touchdown) put in his quarterbacks’ mouth next week to regain the favor of Jameis Winston (28/41 for 385 yards and 4 touchdowns)? Stay tuned! Anyway, MB covered yesterday’s early games but here’s what else I saw in the late games for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

RazzBowl Revelations: Saquon It Ain’t So

September 28, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Football, RazzBowl | 4 Comments

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Tragic news this week folks. No, I’m not talking about the Saquon Barkley injury. Days of Antonio Brown’s Life has been cancelled until further notice. Rumor has it AB let one rip right in the producers face and then grabbed the director’s dong before punting his helmet into the stands. I can neither confirm nor deny these rumors, but what I can confirm is that Days of Antonio Brown’s Life if on hiatus, maybe permanently. Let’s cross our fingers for Lifetime to swoop in and pick the show up but don’t hold your breath. On second thought, maybe you should hold your breath if Antonio Brown is anywhere in the vicinity!

RazzBowl on the other hand is far from cancelled. We finally have a little shake up at the top of the standings with Danny Kelly of The Ringer giving up the top spot after dominating weeks one and two. Our new leader is Michael Stepney of The Fantasy Authority, on the heels of massive weeks from Alvin Kamara, Phillip Lindsay, Dalvin Cook, Amari Cooper and Marvin Jones. A meager 24 points separate the top 5 teams with ya boy Donkey Teeth biding his time back in 67th place—out of 180.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Mike Evans Sausage

September 23, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 22 Comments

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It wasn’t well reported by the mainstream media, but prior to week one Mike Evans gave a sample of his secret family sausage recipe to Jameis Winston. When Winston inserted the mystery meat into his mouth, the funkiness he tasted was beyond words. Jameis was so offended by the foul tasting wiener, he vowed to look to Chris Godwin before Evans on every pass play for two weeks. Then, earlier this week Mike Evans tweaked the family sausage recipe and placed the new wiener into his quarterbacks’ hands. The fresh Evans man meat was so juicy and flavorful, Jameis was addicted!

Needless to say, Winston adjusted his game plan for week three targeting Mike Evans 15 times against the New York Giants. Evans turned those 15 targets into 8 catches for 190 yards and 3 touchdowns. That must have been some sausage! Anyway, here’s what else I saw in yesterday’s late games for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

RazzBowl Revelations: Bid if you Dare

September 7, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Football, RazzBowl | 28 Comments

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If you’ve been living under Antonio Brown’s helmet for the last two months and are just hearing about the RazzBowl for the first time, welcome to the party! 39 fans are competing against 141 of the top fantasy football industry analysts in Razzball’s unique take on The NFFC’s Cutline Championship format: The RazzBowl (apply for RazzBowl 2020 here). It’s the biggest thing to happen to the fantasy football world since the invention of Rudy Gamble’s mind-blowing subscription tools, which can be tested out on a free one week trial right now!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Donkey’s Diaper Dandies : Top 20 (And Beyond) Rookies for Redraft

September 2, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Rankings, Fantasy Football Strategy | 38 Comments

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It’s no secret, Donkey likes em young. There’s just something about the trusting innocence in those big soft rookie eyes which can’t be matched by an old weathered veteran. And fantasy sports are all about having fun; what’s more fun than drafting the youngster your buddies have never heard of and watching the kid grow into a superstar on your fantasy team as your closest friend cries their self to sleep while clutching the last place penis trophy?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

RazzBowl Revelations: A Tale of Sex, Lies, & Spiritual Enlightenment

September 1, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Football, RazzBowl | 27 Comments

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I’m sure you’ve been wondering, “Why did Donkey Teeth retreat into solitude after executing such a flawless RazzBowl draft?”  The truth is, when you draft the most dominant RazzBowl team in the history of RazzBowl teams drafted by a Donkey hopped up on green juices and hallucinogens, withdrawal is unavoidable.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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