As I watched the early parts of day two of the 2020 NFL Draft, the excitement began to build in my nether regions. Denzel Mims was slipping and my Bears were only a couple picks away in the second round. When the Bears were on the clock and Mims was still there my loins reached maximum tingle. But in a move which surprised absolutely no one, Ryan Pace drafted the Bears tenth tight end in Cole Kmet.

Seven picks later the Bears were back on the clock and Mims was still there! Of course, Mr. Pace again passed. Guess us Bears fans should just be happy we didn’t draft another tight end. That was the point where I decided watching a Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon with my imaginary girlfriend would be a less painful way to spend the rest of my Friday night. Later that night I went ahead and poked my eyes out. Anyway, I gave you my updated top 10 dynasty rookies yesterday, so here’s my updated top 20 rookies for 2020 PPR dynasty leagues: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You know that feeling after you’ve been on a week long drug bender and you’re finally coming down from the high? That’s how I feel today. And not just because of my week long drug bender. The 2020 NFL draft high gas come and gone too. On the plus side, we now know what team’s all of the shiny new rookies will be employed by, so we can stop guessing at that piece of the puzzle. Now we can start guessing at other pieces of the puzzle such as the impact of COVID-19  on the rookie class’s acclimation to their respective systems, what their immediate opportunity will look like and what Mike Vrabel’s sons are up to. Before the draft I gave you my pre-draft top 10 and top 20 rookies for 2020 dynasty leagues. Now here’s my updated top 10 rookies for 2020 PPR dynasty leagues:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As I crawled thru the barren-sportsless Corona Desert, desperately clinging to the last few precious ounces of my own bottled urine, a glorious oasis appeared on the horizon. Was it a mirage!? No! It was the the 2020 NFL Draft, and it was very real! And it was very glorious!

I leapt to my feet, slurped down the final drops of my warm pee rations and sprinted towards the only sports I’d seen in weeks—and likely the only sports we’ll see for weeks to come. There at the edge of the NFL Draft Oasis stood none other than Clyde Edwards-Helaire, waiting to welcome Donkey to the party (scroll to the bottom for my thoughts on CEH, I literally buried the lede). Anyway, here’s what else I saw during day one of the 2020 NFL Draft for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Over the past four weeks Tom Brady has been slowly settling into life in Tampa Bay, scouting retirement communities and getting to know his new Buccaneer teammates. On Monday young tight end O.J. Howard ate Brady’s spinach, arugula and GOAT cheese salad out of the team fridge while complaining about the lack of tomatoes. Howard then violated the quarterback’s 6-foot radius of personal space before coughing without covering his mouth. Enough was enough, it was time for Tom to dust off his trusty Gronk signal and shine the big man’s light into the balmy Florida night sky. And Rob Gronkowski wasted no time in answering the call of his old friend. By Tuesday afternoon Gronkman had been traded from the Patriots with a 7th-round pick in exchange for the the Buccaneers 4th-round pick.

Gronk battled injuries from 2016-2018 missing 13 games over his final three seasons prior to his early-retirement. He also looked quite slimmed down during his 2019 public appearances. That said, you can’t help but root for the big boy, and a year of rest and relaxation likely did his overworked body some good. Off the bat, I’ll pencil him in as my #7 tight end behind Kelce, Kittle, Waller, Ertz, Andrews and Hooper. And I’ll give him an initial projection of 50 receptions for 700 yards and 6 touchdowns with lots of upside (and downside) from there. Anyway, here’s what other news I saw around the league for 2020 fantasy football: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 41:

The price of oil hit -$37 per barrel yesterday. That’s not a typo, NEGATIVE 37 dollars! As in, they’ll pay you $37 to take a barrel of oil off their hands. So I told my oil guy to mark me down for 1,000 barrels. Figure I should be able to fit at least 900 barrels in my bathtub and then a couple dozen in the kitchen sink, right? Hope so, because I already spent my $37,000 on Chicago Bears season tickets. Da Bears are even throwing in a 20-pack of N95 masks as part of the deal this year. To avoid thinking about how the Bears will blow this years draft picks (at least we don’t have a 1st rounder to waste) I’ve compiled my top 20 rookies for 2020 dynasty football—went over the top 10 rookies last week. Obviously we don’t know landing spots or draft capital yet, so take these rankings with a chaser of West Texas crude. Anyway, here’s my top 20 rookies for 2020 PPR dynasty football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 36:

I’ve been watching that new show Devs on FX starring Nick Offerman aka Ron Swanson. As the great Ron Swanson once said, “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t show a man to fish, feed yourself. He’s a grown man and fishing’s not that hard.” Fishing for rookies isn’t hard either. There’s a bunch of talented ones and, as Devs has shown us, there’s infinite realities. So all these rookies must pan out as superstars in some reality or another. Nobody really knows which reality we’re in or who’s actually going to be good. We’re all just casting lines and pretending we know what we’re doing. Also, ranking these guys before the NFL draft is like fishing without bait. But I’m hungry and the grocery store shelves are getting picked over. Anyway, here’s my top 10 rookies for 2020 PPR dynasty football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 32: 

This virus is really throwing a wrench in our economy as well as our professional sports enjoyment. Have you seen the latest proposal for the 2020 Major League Baseball season? I’m not talking about that whole Arizona/Florida restructured league proposal with the 30-team playoff. The latest idea on the table is one where Elon Musk and Richard Branson fly all the baseball teams to the moon where they’ll play the entire season without gravity. Even Tim Tebow with be launching dingers into orbit.  This is especially exciting because if all goes well, rumor has it the NFL season will be played on Mars. In anticipation, Bill O’Brien just traded Deshaun Watson for a cardboard cutout of Buzz Lightyear. Anyway, I went over my top 15 dynasty tight ends last week, here’s my top 30 tight ends for 2020 PPR dynasty football: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 31:

 I sneezed yesterday and my girlfriend (still imaginary) kicked me out of our virus bunker. I’m now writing this from the back yard where I’m sheltering in place under my handmade wigwam shelter. Finally all of those episodes of Naked and Afraid are paying off. I’m not afraid out here but I am very naked. Hope the neighbors don’t mind. Actually, as a Bears fan I’m beyond afraid of our quarterback situation. Remember when the Bears drafted Trubisky over Mahomes and Watson? You do? Damn, was hoping that was just a bad dream! Anyway, here’s my top 40 quarterbacks for 2020 dynasty football: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 28:

My life has been reduced to friends asking me if I’ve seen a T.V. show and me telling them, “No, I haven’t seen that show.” Then they tell me I should see that show and I say, “I’ll add it to the list.” But there is no list and I won’t watch that show. Because I’ll forget since I don’t have a list. What a paradox! But if I somehow remember to watch that show, there better not be any surprise subtitles. If you’re recommending a show that has subtitles, etiquette dictates that you disclose this subtitle stipulation in your recommendation. Don’t be a heathen! People need to mentally prepare for what they’re getting into. Like right now I’m about to share some 2020 dynasty football rankings with you, so I’ll forewarn, there’s reading involved and there’s no audio book available just yet. Hopefully you’ll still stick around for my top 80 wide receivers for 2020 PPR dynasty football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 27:

Hey all you cool cats and kittens. Did you see the story about the tiger at the Bronx Zoo that tested positive for coronavirus? Very sad. I blame Carole Baskin. Not just for the infection of this poor feline, but for the entire COVID debacle. Speaking of which, the CDC just released some new guidelines and in order to receive a COVID-19 test in the United States you must now meet at least one of these requirements:

     a) Politician

     b) Professional athlete (Major League Soccer doesn’t count)

     c) Movie star (Porn does count)

     d) Valued tiger at the zoo

And if you check all four boxes the CDC even throws in a free roll of TP. So far only one man has cashed in on that free roll of one-ply: my preferred 2020 presidential candidate, Darren Waller. Anyway, here’s my top 15 dynasty tight ends for 2020 fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?