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As has been a reoccurring theme this season (and all of last year if you were hanging out with us), the NFC East is known for the derp and nothing but the derp. Call it the cornucopia of derp, if you will. And you should, because Thanksgiving is just a mere few months away. Which is close enough for me, because turkey. And while the Cowboys and Eagles always offer their own unique brand of derp, Washington and the New York “Football” (HUR DUR) Giants were born in it. Molded by it. Watching these two teams is always an existential exploration of mascochism for their fans, and when you combine two such forces of derp, it’s almost like going on a life-fulfilling camping trip. The air is so fresh, the scenery is so majestic. The catharsis of it all… and then you get lyme disease. It’s like the Greek myth of Icarus and Daedalus, but in this case, Icarus is the derp, we are Daedalus, and these two teams are the sun. Ya know, maybe I should have just stuck to writing about turkey…

Rankings have been updated for tonight’s game and can be found here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Period Rank Overall High Low Percentile
Week 2 53.4% 85 out of 135 65.2% 46.2% Top 65%
Week 1 56.8% 54 out of 137 62.8% 46.3% Top 40%
2015 55.1% 70 out of 133 60.8% 47.8% Top 55%
2014 58.1% 31 out of 125 60.7% 50.6% Top 25%

Obviously, we’re not doing as well as we were last season around the same time period. The real question is, why am I using the royal “we”? On both counts, you can color me confused. Because I’m a book. It’s a coloring book joke people. Anyhow, to the point… I want to state that, personally, these first two weeks of accuracy results have me befuddled. Befuddled I tell ya! And I say this as a ranker who, unlike last year, has not ranked Ryan Mathews anywhere near the top-5… so I have that going for me. I realize that the entire process can sometimes be, well, to put it bluntly, a mystery. It’s true that this year I’ve taken certain liberties, some would call it “risks”, in terms of rankings. Last season, we finished in the top-25 percentile among all of our peers, and we were probably one of the most consistent week-to-week rankers out there. But consistency doesn’t necessarily get you to the top. And what can I say? I wanted a chance to hit those high notes. Terrible music metaphors aside, after implementing a process that I thought to be more beneficial to the readers (and the site itself), I’ll now be dialing back my strategy a bit. Don’t get me wrong, two weeks is a small sample size, but as I said earlier, you are coming here for the jokes AND a little bit of help. All of us in this business of Fantasy Football advice are here to help, and we feel sh*tty when we’re aren’t helping. And if we don’t feel sh*tty, it’s time to get out of the business all together. I don’t pretend to be a savant at this stuff, but I work hard on this craft because this community deserves it. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. You guys made that happen…

This week’s rankings, I’ll be returning to the process I used last year, which I can essentially describe with this phrase: better to be safe than sorry. You’ll notice there will be less “gut” calls, floor guys will be ranked higher, and riskier match-ups will be frowned upon. And let’s see how our accuracy responds this time next week. At the very least, I want to be as open as I can, which is why I always share my results at the forefront and consider myself accountable when my own results don’t match my expectations. So I’m basically my own mother, I guess. All things considered though, I’d rather be with your mother…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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This game, in a nutshell.

This game, in a nutshell.

In what was another snore fest that Monday Night Football can sometimes (almost all the time) be known for (at least as much as Thursday Night Football games can be), let me tell you, this one met that mark. And then surpassed it by innumerable. The first three quarters (and the last five minutes of regulation in the fourth quarter) lived up to the hype that I’m sure could have only been matched by a local mattress store Labor day commercial: a slow, cheesy, and clunky experience, which seems wholly natural as that basically describes Indianapolis, where science has taught us that rolling is the most popular form of transportation. In fact, for the first three quarters, I’m not sure sure either team’s offense understood what the game of football is or what it does. In this battle of attrition (for the viewers too), the Jets gained the upper hand, convincing me enough that both teams had probably switched uniforms before game time and decided to see who could perform the poorest. Suffice it to say, the Colts won that face off. Or do the Jets technically win there? I have no idea, all I know is that we lost. But, as I did mention earlier, the entire game wasn’t completely devoid of events resembling football. Some offense did occur in spurts, though it was mainly concentrated at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Alas, it was too late by then, there was little this game could accomplish to offset the damage done to everyone. The previous four interceptions and three fumbles (six of the turnovers were happily donated by the Colts), and struggling to figure out who the ef Quincy Enunwa was ended up being the line for me. Monday Night Football folks… Oh, hey, the Jaguars are now in first place, something that hasn’t occurred since the lovely year of 1462. So that happened…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

genosmithdrafted

Breaking News: There is a report coming out that states Drew Brees has a torn rotator cuff and will miss the rest of the season. (There are now other reports being released that he’ll be out for “several” weeks or miss no time at all…) As of this writing, nothing has been confirmed yet, but if the original report is true, then the entire Saints offense takes a huge hit, especially Brandin Cooks and Brandon Coleman. It would have affected Marques Colston, but he’s been dead for two years. More importantly though, this news will give us a Sunday Night Football Week 4 match-up between Brandon Weeden and Luke McCown. Oh boy.

Tonight on Monday Night Football, Todd Bowles has the chance to start the season with a 2-0 record. What other Jets coaches have started 2-0, pray tell? Well, Weeb Ewbank didn’t do that back in 1963, but I believe an Ewok in Return of the Jedi was named after him. In the great (lol) history of the New York Jets, you have to go just a mere few decades back when in 1994 (gasp) Pete Carroll accomplished that feat. He then went 6-10 and got fired. Al Groh went 4-0 in 2000 (after Bill Belichick abruptly resigned), finishing the season 9-7, missing the playoffs. And then, of course, Rex Ryan started 3-0 in 2009 where they lost the AFC Conference Championship to the Colts. I think it was because Mark Sanchez was overweight at the time. After all, the defense just got too tired carrying him all season. Fast forward to present time (I know it’s hard for Andrew Luck to adjust from the paleolithic period) and we might have a Jets team that is capable of not being the Jests, if you know what I mean. Going against a Colts team that many favored to walk into the playoffs (mostly because Luck’s back has a caveman’s width to carry such things) and beating them would confirm that these are not, in fact, your run-of-the-mill-sh*t-the-bed Jets that we’ve come to love and pity. Or at least it would confirm that they are waiting until midseason to spiral into the abyss. So until then!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

romodw215

Well folks, I promised NFC East derp yesterday afternoon, but the derp levels that were given are almost too much to bear, even a day later. So much derp in fact, that I’ll get to tell my grandchildren about how I was there for the (second, or maybe third, could be technically the fourth I guess) epoch of Brandon Weeden. In what was a 6-3 football game essentially (without a special teams touchdown) in the first 40 minutes of regulation, it wasn’t quite football, but wasn’t quite baseball either. What it was exactly, I can’t quite describe. If I had to give some sort of concrete answer, I would probably call it a nuclear weapons test. I will say this, as was alluded to earlier with one Brandon Weeden, the epoch began immediately after Tony Romo suffered a fractured clavicle bone (on the play shown above). Along with the news that Dez Bryant’s timetable for a return is murky now at best, this game still probably ended up more demoralizing for the Eagles. True, even with an existential outlook, you could say that the Cowboys lost the first two games they actually won (SO EFFING DEEP), but the Eagles look almost too innovative to be playing football at this point. If Romo (and by extension, Bryant) are out for an extended period of time (likely), and you combine that with the Giants doing very Giants like things, the Eagles have basically ceded the division to Washington. HAHAHAH. But don’t worry, Chip Kelly is still a genius. Totally.

Here’s what else I saw in Week 2 (with bonus Week 2 knee-jerk reactions to the knee-jerk reactions I had in Week 1. WOOOO!)…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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In what is probably one of the most anticipated match-ups involving teams that made the playoffs last season, the Seahawks travel to the legendary (ALLEGEDLY) Lambeau Field, made famous in history because of an old white dude who waxed poetic war metaphors into sweet Twitter like statements about football and wore a Fedora dominated a league that had a total of like three teams. But, to be fair, at least the Packers have a long and, well, we’ll call it robust, they have a robust football history. The Seahawks have had a Super Bowl stolen from them, a terrifically easy and boring Super Bowl win over the Broncos, and then the tainting of that win with a redzone disaster against the Patriots in last year’s Super Bowl. Matt Hasselbeck is mixed in a bunch in there too. All in about 15 minutes time, contextually speaking. Thus enters our game for Sunday Night Football, a newly-storied franchise, trying desperately to defend the right’s of rich hipsters everywhere (they just want an unlimited selection of microbrew and kale chips maaaaaaaan), going against an old school franchise that’s owned by the cheese-riddled blue collar people of the Midwest (all three of them), led by a coach, in Mike McCarthy, that will stop at nothing to make Aaron Rodgers as irrelevant as he can while kicking as many field goals as he can. Should be fun guys!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

uk2ZYmu

Countless times you and I have spoken about the NFC East derp levels, only because these levels are affecting our lives faster and more pronounced than that of global warming and Donald Trump’s hair thingamajig. But with Washington looking somewhat competent today, and I say “somewhat” just for the mere fact that I’m so surprised of said competency (focused mainly in the first half), that I’m not even sure it actually happened. It could all be made up! But regardless, even with the Giants doing sorta what the Giants do, it’s fair to say our normal derp levels are running low, here comes the Dez Bryantless Cowboys and the always innovative (except when they are super innovative) Eagles, here to quench our derp-thirst. Which sounds like a great name for a porno blooper reel.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

EN9Dkhh

Going into Week 2, one could pick from a plethora of story lines to choose from. As the one who dictates such things for your consumption, and seeing as how the “Petyon Manning’s demise” story line was delayed this past Thursday night, I bring to you, dear readers, this fascinating snippet…

Granted this probably is due to the fact that in the past, opening divisional games were more common, but I still think it’s impressive for an entire division to go 4-0 in a week. Even more impressive when you consider that it’s a division that includes both the Bills and the Jets. (Just a fun note, the AFC West could have also achieved this feat, if not for a Raiders loss in Week 1. Because Raiders.) Unfortunately, this honeymoon won’t last, as the Patriots travel to Buffalo. So let’s enjoy the fact that Bills, Dolphins, and Jets all share first place with the Patriots, something which I’m sure won’t last much longer. The Jets will do what they do best, and that’s be the Jets. The Dolphins, I’m sure, will find unique and interesting ways to stay mediocre. And the Bills? Well, what I can I say about that Bills that hasn’t already been said about the Jets and Dolphins?

Our rankings have been updated for today’s games and can be found here.

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Smith lol
If you had judged this game by the first three quarters and half of the fourth, you might have thought that Monday Night Football had given way to Thursday’s Prime Time to tenaciously make us feel like a nap is a better use of the time. True, it could have been a combination of Peyton Manning’s multiple incompletions where the ball traveled roughly an inch a second, Alex Smith’s continued ability to only throw five-yard slants, Andy Reid’s ability to literally eat all of this timeouts, and Phil Simms just stringing together random nouns. OR maybe it was that every other play there was a penalty flag. There hadn’t been that much yellow flying around since that incident at R. Kelly’s house years back. But just like last week, Denver’s defense found a way to lock in another win, forcing a fumble on Jamaal Charles with 30 seconds to play, allowing as much Monday morning quarterbacking as possible on Reid’s decision to not take a knee into overtime. I’m personally neutral on the decision, I think most coaches consider a draw there to be a low-risk “let’s see if we can get any yardage” type of play, but, I would admit that the correct move at the point would have been just to take the knee. It wouldn’t have mattered because Andy Reid would have been blamed for any decision he made, but since he could probably eat me plus a Sizzler, I’ll end on that note.

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?
When given the opportunity, I will never not use this. You have my word.

When given the opportunity, I will never not use this. You have my word.

We’ve now moved on from the first week of football, with all the time in between being spent exhausting profound energy on armchair analysis of who looked good and who looked bad, who’s done and who’s not, all with the knowledge that the entirety of our data set is resting on the laurels on the small sample size of one singular game. Poor Laurel. That being said, Peyton is done. Finished. As a Chargers fan, that is my complete and unbiased analyzation of the matter. You know it’s true because that statement had the word “anal” in it. To be fair, there’s a lot of worry out there for what probably the greatest quarterback to play the game. Simply put, against the Ravens, he did not look good. Baltimore’s defense was content defending the mid-range and short game of Manning, daring him to throw the ball long, something he just couldn’t do. In return, we watched a game that was played in-between the 30-yard lines, something that probably hadn’t been done since the infamous Steelers smackdown of the Dolphins, 3-0 back in 2007. Granted, the Ravens and Broncos exit strategy for thier game provided some zeal and zest, and that’s not sarcasm. I brought out my “z” words, afterall. But to circle back to beginning, this is one-week armchair analysis (back to anal too I suppose, hey now), so I’m still expecting Peyton Manning to not look so terrible. It would go a long way tonight against the Chiefs if Manning continued his personal domination over them and would certainly quiet the doubters. He is 13-1 against them all time, and the one loss came in 2004 where he threw 472 yards with 5 touchdowns. So we’ll just have to see if Forehead can figure it out…

Please, blog, may I have some more?