Period Rank Overall High Low Percentile
Week 1 56.80% 54 out of 137 62.80% 46.30% Top 40%
2014 58.10% 31 out of 125 60.70% 50.60% Top 25%

But seriously, don’t. Mountain Dew is probably the most disgusting thing out there unless you’re in high school or play World of Warcraft. Anyways, it’s now time for Week 2 Rankings folks! Why? You know why! Like I stated in our Week 1 Rankings, it’s because the world needs rankings. Nay, the world demands it. To be really honest, what’s the point of writing about fantasy football if not to start arguments over subjective numerical values? If you answered “there is no point!” (exclamation point inflection required, which I guess is an obtuse way of saying: YELL IT!), well then, you win this cookie. This cookie right here. Oh, you don’t see the cookie? That’s probably because I just ate it. So you get no cookie. Just the teasing of said cookie. Great, now I’m hungry for more cookies. Thanks ya jerk!

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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“PULL BRADFORD!” - Eagles Fans from the first snap to the second half, and then again in the fourth quarter. They're nothing if not consistent.

“PULL BRADFORD!” – Eagles Fans from the first snap to the second half, and then again in the fourth quarter. They’re nothing if not consistent.

Granted, I think that was the longest I’ve ever seen Sam Bradford play, but as I alluded to in yesterday’s round-up, the NFC East is crucial when it comes to developing, producing, and delivering derp. In fact, the most surprising part is how the Giants, Eagles, and Cowboys are reaching closer and closer to Washington in derp levels. Something like a tide lifts all boats type of strategy perhaps. The first half was interesting, in that I couldn’t really deduce what exactly was going on… was Chip Kelly’s innovations on offense suffering because the Falcons defense was actually trying (something they hadn’t implemented in years), or was Chip Kelly’s innovations just so next level, his goal was to get the punting team to take the field as quickly as possible? One can never know, and I’ll admit, I didn’t know until things went back to semi-normal in the third quarter, where the Eagles scored 14 unanswered points on the tiny back of Darren Sproles, who was located on your fantasy bench. And all of this was against the prototypical Kyle Shanahan offense, which had like 600-yards and just two touchdowns… But of course, in Eagles fashion, with the chance to drive down the field with two minutes to go and win the game, Bradford threw a pass to Jordan Matthews only to see it hit off his hands into the Falcons defense (shown above). I’m pretty sure the NFC East will just be taking a sabbatical this year… And as for the Vikings vs. 49ers game… I don’t really want to talk about it. Let’s just say the entire game reminded me of some kind of avant-garde Burning Man exhibition piece. In a civilized country, both of those teams would have gotten the help they needed…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? I am too! I’m trying out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. If you want, you can join up with me! (Played FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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EAGLES BORN OUT OF THUNDER

EAGLES BORN OUT OF THUNDER

I sometimes wonder how we got through this past Sunday without the innovation and up-tempo musings of one Chip Kelly. While there is a double-header tonight (and the Vikings vs. 49ers should be quite the average-quality type of game), most eyes will be watching the coach who is known as the master of quicksaster, the dean of getting rid of disgruntled African-American players, the champion of signing one of the best African-American running backs this offseason, and the king of trading anything and everything to mold the Eagles into the Oregon Ducks. Probably one of the longest descriptions of Chip Kelly out there, sure, but still apt, and it has nothing on the thesis-order you’d put in at Starbucks to get a coffee, black. Yes, Chip Kelly is all those things and more, and tonight, we get to see his experiment finally at work. With offensive principles like Sam Bradford, DeMarco Murray, and Ryan Mathews, I ask you, what could go wrong?

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While I always say that Sunday Night Football is tacitly known as the premier match-up of the weekend, I wasn’t necessarily wanting to lead-off my first recap of Sunday’s games with it, but if the Cowboys and Giants continue the long NFC East tradition of having memorable derp-offs, I have very little choice in the matter. In a game that featured two interceptions and two fumbles (and that was just the Cowboys!), Run DMC being his usual “Run for two feet then drop DMC”, coaching you’d expect from the Princeton ginger Jason Garrett and a guy with the last name McAdoo, well, you’d be hard pressed to follow all that up with a fascinating and suspenseful last two minutes. But they did. After an “interesting” (to be kind) play-action call at the one-yard line (I’m assuming even Pete Carroll would call a run play there) with just about 1:40 left in the game that failed with an intentional throw out of bounds by Eli Manning, the Cowboys quickly drove down the field in just 88 seconds, scoring the go ahead touchdown shown above. On that score, Romo was able to connect with Jason Witten after dropping a bad snap, which seems like the most Romo thing ever. Unless it ended up being an interception. Good hustle Cowboys and Giants… I can’t wait to see what the derp looks like when the Eagles and Washington get involved. Especially Washington. They were born in the derp. Molded by it…

Here’s what else I saw in Week 1 (with bonus first week knee-jerk reactions!)…

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obeck

An interesting factoid that you may not be aware of is that since 2009, Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth have called exactly half of all the Giants vs. Cowboys games. Which essentially means that if you’ve watched Sunday Night Football since 2009, you also watched exactly half of all the Giants vs. Cowboys games. What can I say? Sometimes math is very kind to me. Granted, this math probably applies equally to any Cowboys/Eagles, Ravens/Steelers, and Manning/Brady games, with a few Pats/Colts and Seahawks/49ers match-ups thrown in, so what I’m basically saying I guess is that NBC loves ratings and schedules their games accordingly. This incredible deduction by yours truly may or may not have been because I’m a fan of BBC’s Sherlock… but it certainly didn’t hurt.

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Nike-signs-Jameis-Winston-Marcus-Mariota-Melvin-Gordon-and-Amari-Cooper

With the early slate of games nearly in the book, we can now turn our attention to the late games, where there are even more marquee match-ups featuring legendary players, long held rivalries, and the ultimate in what we know as professional football. And that’s just the Titans and Buccaneers game I’m talking about. Hyperbole aside, the game does feature an intriguing match-up between two rookie quarterbacks; Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston.

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Someone give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

So much gum chewing. Someone just give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

The season is now in full swing, with the first Sunday of football for 2015 season bringing us a fantastic slate of games. Do you want action? Do you want drama? Do you want romance? I WANT ALL OF THESE THINGS. Well, then I present to you the Browns versus the Jets. Haha, just kidding… but this is Week 1… I wouldn’t have really minded that being the premier match-up… well, for at least a few minutes. Honestly, what can you say about Jets that would excite anyone? And what can you say about that Browns that hasn’t already been said about Iraq? Nada, to use a parlance of our times. But there are some actual marquee match-ups this Sunday morning, including, but not limited to the Bears hosting the Packers, the newly revamped Bills facing off against the Colts, and a battle of cats between the Panthers and Jaguars. Then there’s an interesting NFC West match-up involving the Seahawks and Rams, which I’m sure will include Pete Carroll smacking his jaw like a guy who just did coke after being clean for 20 years…

Our rankings have been updated for today’s games and can be found here.

New to Daily Fantasy Football? I am too! I’m trying out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. If you want, you can join up with me! (Played FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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Don’t cover Gronk. What’s the worst he can do? - Keith Butler.

“Don’t cover Gronk. What’s the worst he can do?” – Keith Butler.

Even though the pregame show lasted about as long as a soccer game does (with all the appropriate New England circle-jerking, including, but definitely not limited to the Dropkick Murphies performing), we were soon allowed to settle in and watch the first game of the 2015 regular season. Right from the start, the Patriots offense seemed fueled by their overwhelming whiteness, as if Bill Belichick knew that I wanted to experience what it’s like to eat an entire box of saltines while stuck in traffic outside of Boise, Idaho inside a Ford Fiesta listening to the White Stripes. Speaking of Julian Edelman and Rob Gronkowski, I’d say (with my analytical prowess) they played a huge part of the Patriots eventual win. Well, almost as much as Josh Scobee (missing two field goals) and the Steelers secondary (who thought Gronk was overrated), both of which forced Mike Tomlin to go into his ‘Choke-A-B*itch” resting face for pretty much the entire night…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? I am too! I’m trying out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. If you want, you can join up with me! (Played FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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Bradyface

Technically it’s Sunday Night Football on Thursday, but since that makes no sense whatsoever, I’m just going to call it what it is, and that’s Thursday Night Football (TNF). And since the Steelers are going against the Patriots, you could also probably call this stigmata as well. In a match-up I would call a “rambunctious” recreating of everything wrong with Afghanistan, the season opener begins on the laurels of a guy who is likely to force himself on your mom. And Ben Roethlisberger. I do want to mention that this game should have featured two former teammates going against each other in Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, but both are missing time due to suspensions from marijuana-related offenses, so that idea kinda went up in smoke. A shame, as it was such a budding relationship too… Instead, we’ll once again have to deal with two quarterbacks we all love to hate, one with deflated balls and asterisks galore, and the other with a HARF HARF HARF take on life. And on sexual assault.

You can find Week 1 Rankings here.

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2014 Accuracy: 58.10% (31st out of 125 Experts, Range: 60.70% – 50.60%).

That’s right my friends, we made it. Another football season is about to begin, and to make sure the beginning is as miserable as possible, tonight’s opening game features the Steelers and Patriots. But don’t worry, I will not let these two storied (haha, please) franchises dampen my mood. For now we have real football spanning over the next five months (or about a month and a half if you live in D.C.), and this real fooball will, in turn, produce that which will fill our Fantasy Football holes. That makes it sound so technical and coarse, much like my love making. Regardless, with the new season budding with excitment and hope for all fans across the United States (unless you live in D.C.), it is now time to release the first iteration of our Weekly Rankings, because if there’s anything I’ve learned during my time here, it’s the world needs rankings. Nay… the world demands it. Honestly, what else is the point of having a Fantasy Football site if not to start knife fights over subjective numerical values? So get your best Ray Lewis going and make the jump for our Week 1 Rankings!

New to Daily Fantasy Football? I am too! I’m trying out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. If you want, you can join up with me! (Played FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?