Author: Jay

Jay is a longtime Razzball everything who consumes an egregious amount of Makers Mark as a vehicle to gain wisdom and augment his natural glow. Living in the D.C. area, he also likes spending time visiting the local parks and feeding lettuce to any turtles he encounters, including Mitch McConnell. You can follow him on Twitter @jaywrong.

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MNF, Week 8: Washington Football Team vs. Cowboys

by: Jay

This is the most random assortment of anything that I have ever seen…

While I would normally expect this game to be somewhat close because of the prime time slot and storied rivalry, I just remembered that Jim Haslett is still employed. So expecting this game to stay competitive, for at least one quarter, may be asking too much. Especially since Tony Romo and DeMarco Murray have lit Jerry’s world (aka his loins) on fire with staggering competency and production. Words that usually aren’t used to describe those two. Romo has 14 touchdowns and only 6 interceptions with 1,789 yards, and December is still far off. Murray became the first running back in history to start a season with seven straight 100-yard games. Washington doesn’t really even have a functional quarterback strategy at this point and are sliding in the NFC East with a 2-5 record. If this is an intentional strategy to get out of the spotlight from having a team name that’s a slur, well then, job well done.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The “Brandon Marshall: Motivational Speaker” Experiment has Ended

by: Jay

In what was an embarrassing display of defense, especially for the Bears, or even the Buccaneers, the Patriots took advantage of the brand new and radical “Cover No one” formation, laying down a 51-spot on the scoreboard. Gronk smash is correct. Much had been publicized on Brandon Marshall’s “motivational speaking” tour after a Miami loss last week, “motivating” everyone from Jay Cutler to Robbie Gould.

‘We’ve got Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett, Matt Forte. We’ve got a stud offensive line. We’ve got a great, great group of guys. And this is unacceptable. What did we put up, 14 points? Was it 14 points? That’s unacceptable.”

You see something missing there? People, who, perhaps are in charge of preventing another team from outscoring yours? Pray tell… So, we’ll probably get another week of Marc Trestman blaming (somewhat warranted), Brandon Marshall yelling (probably shouldn’t call it motivating anymore) and Jay Cutler outrage (because he gave up 51 points all by his lonesome). Unless, of course, the media will focus more on fact that the Patriots are now 6-2, in first place, and look every bit as dangerous as they used to. Sigh, that’s exactly what’s going to happen, isn’t it? Oh God damn it Bears, did you really have to let that happen?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

SNF, Week 8: Packers vs. Saints

October 26, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 24 Comments

by: Jay

Who dat? More like what the f*ck is dat.

The Packers have seemingly been able to survive a slow start, winning four straight after starting 1-2. However, I feel like someone should tell them that they left Eddie Lacy behind. Or they just confused Jordy Nelson with him. Which would make sense, seeing as how all the yardage goes through him at this point. But if it’s any consolation for Lacy being left to his own machinations, it appears that the Saints are around the same area. So here Lacy, it’s an entire team to keep you company. Bressus has yet to rise, and yes, that’s the only religious metaphor I’ll throw out, because let’s be honest here, Drew Brees doesn’t deserve it at this moment. More like Breedus, amiright folks? (Okay, two. That’s it, I swear.) And with a limited Jimmy Graham, it appears that the Saints offense will depend on such play-makers as Marquee Colston and, um, err,… Travaris Cadet? Oh god, this is going to be bad, isn’t it…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 8 Late Games: Clash of the Iggles

October 26, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 54 Comments

by: Jay

Hey guys, you can call off the search party now. I found Kid Rock. All is well.

Despite having a spectacularly unreliable offense at times, the Chip Kelly innovated™ Philadelphia Eagles find themselves 5-1, vying for the NFC East lead with the surprisingly competent Cowboys. And while we are still a good month and some days away from December, this looks like a finish that should provide plenty of entertainment, with a healthy side of NFC East derp, the purist derp out there, some would say. The Cardinals, who have had their own issues on offense, also bring a 5-1 record, trying to prove that Arizona is the new Seattle. All you need is not to be landlocked, and have some sort of progressive movement, and, you know, have a good football team. Well, you got one of the three so far… let’s see what happens next.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 8 Early Games: The Gingerbread Man

October 26, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 78 Comments

by: Jay

In an epic battle between crab cakes (YAY) and skyline chili (BOO), the Ravens will bring their AFC North leading record of 5-2 to Cincinnati, a city that I’ve heard has paved roads, unlike Cleveland. Interestingly enough, the teams have met already this season, but it’s okay if you forgot, as these teams seem completely different from their previous match-up when the Bengals won 23-16. Said Bengals went on to win their next two, and with a 3-0 start, looked like one of the best teams in the NFL. But I guess getting tired of looking competent, the Bengals went to their safety zone, aka, they went Bungles the next three games by losing two, and tying in one. Though, I’m pretty sure a tie is a loss, seeing as it’s described as kissing your sister. Sorry, I’m not from Alabama, that’s a complete loss for me. Speaking of a loss, I have no words to describe the eliteness being shown by Joe Flacco. It’s almost as if his eliteness went on a cocaine binge and then he decided to make things interesting by adding mescaline as a side garnish. Of course, having a resurgent Steve Smith on a successful 2014 baby-punching tour certainly helps as well. Will the Bungles Bungle? I can’t wait to find out. Because Ginger.

Week 8 Rankings have been updated for today’s games, for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I Wish I Drafted Omaha

October 24, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 153 Comments

by: Jay

“I need a new helmet. OMAHA. Yeah, that’s right, my head’s growing at a rapid rate. OMAHA. ROMO. ELWAY. OMAHA. New helmet on one! SET. OMAHA.”

Well, it would be hard for me to analyze this game with an unbiased viewpoint, seeing as how I’m pretty obvious homer. But hey, at least I’m obvious. That being said, I’d have to say that Mike Carey and myself could have probably been best friends. Essentially every decision he called last night was the opposite of what the refs decided, because, let’s be honest here, the officiating was complete sh*t. A crucial special teams fumble by Denver was called back, even though replays clearly showed the ball moving before the player was down, allowing Petyon Manning to drive for a touchdown before the half. In the third quarter, a Philip Rivers interception that was caught on the ground, with movement, was not overturned. A crucial redzone interception by Eric Weddle was called back because of a defensive holding penalty, which, might I add, was way before the 5-yard mark. And then later, a Juwan Thompson touchdown was confirmed, even though he didn’t break the plane… so… whatever. I suppose things like this happen. At the very least, Ronnie Hillman was negated something like 80 fantasy points, and the Broncos seemed more interested in trolling fantasy players than by any other team I’d seen in recent memory. So even though Denver won, I’m pretty sure most of us lost. Including my liver. What can I say? Misery loves company…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

TNF, Week 8: Chargers vs. Broncos

October 23, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 39 Comments

by: Jay

Except for 2010, the Chargers or Broncos have won the AFC West every year since 2004, and the other team finished second in seven of those years. Mainly because the Raiders are gonna Raider. The series, as a whole, has been quite the see-saw battle over the decades, starting back to their shared AFL days, all the way to the aforementioned 2004 season. You see, that’s when Philip Rivers came. Which would be the start of seven straight children. Get it? Also there were those nine victories in his first 11 starts against the AFC rival. However, the now Peyton Manning led Broncos have won five of the past six games, and he’s coming off a game where he threw his record-breaking 509th touchdown. While the Chargers defense is missing several key play-makers, most notably in the linebacker corps, and the defensive line, and the secondary, so pretty much everywhere, it remains to be seen if they can limit Manning to double-digit touchdowns. That being said, the Broncos were heavily favored in last year’s Thursday night game and managed to let Rivers and the Chargers offense drive the football in 25 minute increments, most likely a key recipe for tonight not to be a blow out. Just like how my recipe for tonight will be profound alcohol consumption and crying. Whether they are tears of happiness or tears of sadness, well, like always, that’s up to what kind of porn I watch after the game…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rankings, Week 8

October 23, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, 2014 Weekly Rankings | 152 Comments

by: Jay

Special Note: JB Gilpin has returned! Sorta-kinda. You should know that he runs Razzball Basketball and was kind enough to have me on the podcast over there. Why? Because this is my first year playing Fantasy Basketball (RCLs are still open, join up!), and if you haven’t partaken, you should, um, partake. I was in trouble, like three words in…

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.60% (19th out of 122 Experts, 60.30% Highest, 49.60% Lowest).

Week 7 Results: 59.70% (33rd out of 132 Experts, 64.30% Highest, 46.50% Lowest).

	Accuracy	Rank	Experts	Highest	Lowest	Score +/-	Rank +/-
Week 1	61.80%	22	134	66.10%	48.20%
Week 2	54.00%	35	135	61.30%	42.10%	-7.80%	-13
Week 3	57.40%	88	128	67.10%	44.30%	3.40%	-53
Week 4	56.50%	48	128	61.10%	42.80%	-0.90%	40
Week 5	56.50%	70	131	69.40%	47.00%	0.00%	-22
Week 6	56.30%	27	133	63.10%	41.50%	-0.20%	43
Week 7	59.70%	33	132	64.30%	46.50%	3.40%	-6
Totals	57.60%	19	122	60.30%	49.60%

And now, your Week 8 Rankings…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Steelers Last Only Three Minutes, Wish I Could Do That

October 21, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 161 Comments

by: Jay

While it’s easy to say that this game didn’t end in a very competitive fashion, it would have been far easier to say that this game actually looked like another lackadaisical loss by the Steelers… well, up until three minutes before the half. Keep in mind that they had already gained only 50 yards in their first 21 plays and the Texans had a 13 point lead up until that point. And then…

THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT

I’m not joking folks. In the final three minutes of the first half, there were two Texan turnovers and 24 Steeler points. I would recap what exactly happened here, but it require about 2500 words of nuance and waxing something poetic about a Steelers team that I just can’t bring myself to do. (Just to give you a taste, I haven’t seen an ambitious beginning turn into a bloody death since the Apollo Creed vs. Ivan Drago fight in Rocky IV. Nor have I seen such an explosion at Heinz Field since Bane showed up with a megaphone.) So look at it this way… if three minutes of profound competence was good enough for my date the other night, who am I to say that it isn’t good enough for the Steelers?

Note: Hey you guys. You want more balls? And by balls, I mean Razzballs? Of course you do. If life has taught me one thing, it’s that there are never enough balls. Don’t ask. So yeah, you need more balls, we got more balls. Razzball Fantasy Soccer has now officially become a thing. Go check it out if you like more balls. Or, I guess, if you like soccer.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

MNF, Week 7: Texans vs. Steelers

October 20, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 20 Comments

by: Jay

The word coming out of Pittsburgh is that the Steelers aren’t about to panic, but it should be noted this is what people usually say when they are panicking. In an epic battle between two 3-3 teams (funny story, did you know Seattle is also 3-3?), the Steelers look to rebound from what has been an inconsistent season so far. In this case, whatever Ben Roethlisberger has wanted, did, in actuality, not happen. Maybe the story would be different if their games were played in the bathroom stall? But the next best thing for them is they are on a three-game set at home, starting with the equally inconsistent J.J. Watts, who some people call the Texans. Watt leads the NFL with 20 hits on quarterbacks (please hit Ben a lot tonight), and has 40% of the team’s sacks. What would help is Ryan Fitzpatrick showing more of that Fitzmagic. Err, wait, that magic has actually led to a 58.9 passer rating, so maybe less magic here bro. But keep the beard. Trying to figure out if you’re a confederate general from the Civil War, or the lead singer of the Spin Doctors is the only thing that entertains me when you’re trying to drive the football. It’s Monday Night Football, so it’ll be interesting to see if my television can survive the Chris Berman onslaught combined with Steve Young’s hot takes. Trying to figure out what Wes Welker snuck into Jon Grudan’s water is also high on my priority list.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The C-hawxcalypse is Upon Us

October 20, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 107 Comments

by: Jay

I thought trading away Percy Harvin was going to solve all your problems? Well, I guess trading away one of your best weapons doesn’t exactly solve terrible play-calling, subpar offensive line play, and very un-special teams play. So, despite the faulty narrative that I’m sure will be thrown about, here we are, CONDITION CRIMSON RED, also the color of Tom Coughlin’s face. As was alluded to early yesterday, imagining an outcome such as this was a fools errand, but it wouldn’t have been the craziest thing to think that the Rams could pull off the upset. And while it took wild and boner inducing events (which is also my pet name for your mom) to take place, the impossible was suddenly possible, and the 2013 Super Bowl champions are now 3-3. Said events (we’ll call them “Cialis”) included a hilarious punt return where Tavon Austin lined up on the left side of the field for the return, and acted like he was about to catch the ball, which drew in the entire Seahawks special teams unit, cameraman in full tow, and then this happened…

Later in the game, with Seattle needing a big stop for another chance at the win, Tre Mason broke through for a first down on 3rd-and-1, icing the game right then and there, until he was stripped. The ball bounced forward, was covered by a Rams lineman, only to pop out again and be seemingly recovered by Seattle. Replays did show Richard Sherman on top of the ball for a moment, but “technically” there wasn’t enough to overturn the officials call which had rewarded the possession to the Rams. That’s two straight losses for Seattle, a team which is now sitting at .500 on the season. Look on the bright side Seahawks fans. After this third loss, the band wagon crowd should be displeased enough to go away. Not as effective as a meteor, but it’ll have to do.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

SNF, Week 7: 49ers vs. Broncos

October 19, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 45 Comments

by: Jay

If I could describe this game in two words, they would be: Brett Favre. Or, as some pronounce it: Brett Fahhhhhhrvve. And if I could describe this game with more than two words, it would just be Brett Favre typed out a bunch of times. You should actually thank me, as I’m preparing you mentally for what will be a barrage of Peyton Manning/Brett Favre comparisons, graphics, anecdotes, and overall jaw stretching for those two quarterbacks during Sunday Night Football. If you were buried under a rock all weekend (which, if you were, maybe stay there?), you should know that Peyton Manning is just two touchdown passes away from matching the aforementioned Brett Favre for the NFL record. In what should be a pretty entertaining game, two of the winningest (is that a word?) teams since 2012 will face off, only be to overshadowed by a retired player who sends d*ck pics to ask women out. Why not just stick to trying to sell them your jeans? The 49ers have surprisingly and quietly won three straight after starting the season exactly how Seattle appears to be ending it, including a season-high 432 offensive yards against the Rams. Then again, it was against the Rams… who actually beat Seattle earlier today, so really, I have no idea what to think of the NFC West anymore. It’s weird.

Please, blog, may I have some more?