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keenum

Wow, did I just give the lede to Case Keenum? Based on points, the dude is barely a top twenty fantasy quarterback. On the season he has just seven touchdown passes in six games. I think Matt Ryan had six in one game. Ok, I know he didn’t, but some weeks it feels like he did. In his six games Keenum has thrown six completions to the opposing team. For those not as quick as others, that is what laymen would call an interception. It really seems that I am making a case against Keenum here, and the truth is, I am. I wouldn’t own him anywhere. I’d own Ryan Tannehill over Keenum. I’d probably own Ryan Fitzcraptrick over Keenum. Ok, maybe that’s not true, but you get the point. However, this post isn’t necessarily about who I’d own for the season. Instead, what I try to do here each week is to assemble a lineup using players sitting on the majority of waiver wires that would beat just about any lineup put in its path. Here’s this week’s selections. Or is it last week’s?

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sammie

I don’t like to brag, but this lineup I’m about to present scored me 209.9 points last week. In the Razzball Writer’s League, which is obviously the best league in the RCL, the highest score was 152 points. The team with the most points on the season has 631.08 points in five weeks. Hopefully that puts a 209.9 point week into perspective. The best part about this lineup is that not one of these players is owned in more than fifty percent of leagues. That means you likely could have dropped your entire team last week and picked up this squad and CRUSHED your opponent’s hopes and dreams. I certainly am not recommending dropping your whole team, but the purpose of this weekly post is to show you that there is plenty of weekly potential sitting on your waiver wire…

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Chicago Bears quarterback Brian Hoyer (2) runs to the field as players are introduced before an NFL football game between the Chicago Bears and the Detroit Lions, Sunday, Oct. 2, 2016, in Chicago. (AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh) ORG XMIT: CXB1

Last week Brian Hoyer would have made this list had Trevor Siemian not had such a strong outing. This week Hoyer would not be denied, finishing as a top ten QB in week 4. He was no Matt Ryan, but he did throw for 302 yards and two touchdowns. That’s a whole two more yard than Julio Jones had receiving. As a matter of fact, Jones had more yards than all but five quarterbacks. I think HBO just inked a deal for a new show called Game of Jones. Julio Jones, Matt Jones, Jacoby Jones, Chipper Jones and James Earl Jones all battle it out for the right to have their way with one of Lolo Jones, Rashida Jones or Catherine Zeta Jones. My money’s on Darth Vader. Although I think Indiana Jones could at least make it entertaining. For those wondering, this will be a much better show than Keeping Up With The Joneses.

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I always thought AI stood for artificial intelligence, especially with my background in engineering. Little did I know that it shared its abbreviation with the deliberate introduction of sperm into a female’s uterus or clitoris for the purpose of achieving a pregnancy. I think that is the procedure they are currently performing on both Jay Cutler and Tony Romo. The facts are a little fuzzy, but that sounds about right. I believe Marcus Semien and Trevor Siemian are the donors, but it could also be Danny Woodhead, Wendell Smallwood or even Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. To be honest, however, I don’t think anyone cares. On the other hand, what they might care about is the following list of jabronies. I think if you tried setting your lineup as such, the web app might just reject it on principle. Let’s take a closer look.

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fozzybear

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he? I think that’s how that goes. Here’s my version. Jonathan Stewart was a Duck. Jonathan Stewart had no luck. Without a hammy, what was he? He was Fozzy Whittaker’s ticket to a one hundred yard rushing day. Ok, so that wasn’t very good. How about this one. JStew knew what to do. JStew his hammy blew. JStew knew it true, do you? Admittedly that was not much better. I could keep going with the mediocre attempts, but, contrary to popular belief, I have better things to do. Jonathan Stewart went down. Fozzy Whittaker stepped up, and has been named to my weekly “Are you sh!tting me with this lineup” lineup…

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Most would have undoubtedly considered the lineup I am about to throw at you to be ridiculous had I recommended it last week for last week’s matchups. I am certain my readership would have plummeted from fifteen to about five. Even though that’s an eighty percent decrease can I still use the word “plummet” considering how small the numbers are with which we are working? There are more than fifteen people in any of the men’s rooms at any given time at an NFL stadium during a game. Are those my followers? Are you sh!tting me? I love it! While most would have quickly clicked “unsubscribe to malamoney’s posts”, when they read the papers on Monday morning and saw the results, I’m not sure if they would have called me lucky, and lucky idiot, or just an idiot. Probably all three, which is technically the second option. Led by Alex Smith and Theo Riddick, the following lineup would have won just about any matchup in its path…

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doyle

At this point if you are reading this post and you don’t instantly know who Ricky Vaughn and Willie Hayes are then you should probably just close your browser, punch yourself in the face and go watch Major League. Seriously, do you live under a rock? I guess that’s a rhetorical question since anyone that could answer should have already stopped reading. If you missed me telling you to close your browser then go back to the first sentence. Otherwise I’m guessing reading comprehension is just not your thing. If you’re still here because you’re being stubborn and refuse to leave, there’s not much I can do. But if you just want to find out what I’m going to say next, I can live with that. However, if you’re still here because you like listening to Brewers games on the radio so you can enjoy some Harry Doyle, then we’ve got something in common. Juuuuuust a bit outside!

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unnamed

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s malamoney’s fantasy football rankings. The best thing about rankings and projections is that no one ever calls you out for having absolutely sh!tty projections. It’s not until months later when the season is over that projections can really be evaluated for efficiency, and by that time who really give a flying [fill in the blank]. Not to mention, who’s actually going to take the time to do so.

Here is my process for generating projections. Step one. Develop a random number generator. Step two. Generate hundreds of random numbers. Step three. Publish projections. Okay, so that’s not exactly how I get from point A to point B. Truth be told, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some sources out there that did.

First I calculate my own set of player projections. Next I download between five and ten other sets of projections. Finally I take all of the projections, including my own, and run them through a program I’ve written that averages all of the projections together. I considered dropping the high and the low scores, but that just seemed a little counterintuitive. Besides, it’s not like I’m judging figure skating over here. The biggest pain in the ass is dealing with all the various spellings of the same name. Odell Beckham Jr. versus just Odell Beckham. Steve Smith Sr. versus just Steve Smith. T.Y. Hilton (with the dots) versus Ty Hilton. And how about Le’Veon Bell (with the apostrophe) versus LeVeon Bell. When the dust finally settles and I’ve lined up all the edges, I have my projections.

If you are interested in my positional rankings based on projected points, please take a look at my last post, The Adventure of Bidding. If you are just too damn lazy to click a link, I will summarize…

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Zelda_II_The_Adventure_of_Link

Good news folks, Razzball has renewed my contract for a third season! While I’d love to say that I am to Razzball what Game of Thrones is to HBO, or The Walking Dead is to AMC, it simply would not be true. I’m more like Silicon Valley and Better Call Saul. But hey, that’s something right? Speaking of The Walking Dead, is it too early to start the “who does Negan kill” conversation? Just let it be Glen and let’s be done with it. Ok, back to me. As excited as I’m sure you all are to the prospect of me spending another year spewing nonsense intermingled with football advice, I’m twice as excited to be back. However, I’d like to make a minor request. Good or bad, I’d appreciate you leaving me a comment after reading my posts. If after reading something I’ve written you instantly wish you had the previous six minutes back, then please say so. If taking a dump is more enjoyable than listening to my advice, then tell me about your dump. Got it? Good.

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bubba

I don’t play golf, but it seems to me that week 17 of the NFL season is the fantasy football equivalent of the 19th hole in golf. Sit back, enjoy your frosty beverage of choice, heck have three, and reflect on how you just played. If you are in a league that plays into week 17, find a new league. Seriously, find a new league. Any league that allows the champion to be decided in week 17 is one worth not playing.

While we’re on the topic, two week championship matchups should be a staple in all leagues. A season full of ups and downs shouldn’t be decided in a single week when your mediocre opponent happened to have a lucky week. I’ve instituted this rule in all of my fantasy baseball leagues and it’s due time for football as well. Baseball is a much longer season, but even with football, it makes sense.

It feels like every other week of the season I was writing about Kirk Cousins. On the season he is 10 yards shy of 4000 and has 26 passing touchdowns. He even has 5 rushing touchdowns, second most amongst quarterbacks after Cam Newton. Cousins has been a top 10 QB this season. How did he reward owners that stuck with him in the finals? How’s about 365 yards and 4 touchdowns. Will the real Captain Kirk please stand up. RG3 who?

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By the time you have read this, the most anticipated movie of the year, perhaps decade, will have been unleashed upon us. Instead of catching a midnight showing, I have opted for the Friday morning 11am viewing at the IMAX Theater in Jordan’s Furniture. Most of you are probably thinking “where the freak is that?”. So I’ll tell you. Up here in Natick, MA there is giant furniture store. The place is massive, filled with high quality home decor ranging from televisions to mattresses to sofas. But the best thing about this place is its IMAX theater. I’ve been to my share of movie theaters over the years and this place is the bees knees. Hands down. When I used to live five minutes away I’d go see whatever movie was playing, even if I had no interest. Each seat is crafted from Tempurpedic memory foam and is equipped with a butt kicker. A “butt kicker” is a built in speaker/subwoofer. The sound and screen size is amazing, leaving you immersed in the film. Apparently WIRED Magazine has selected this theater as one of the top 7 screens in the US to see Star Wars, The Force Awakens. Can’t wait!

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newton

In his last four games, Cam Newton has thrown 13 touchdown passes. To put that into perspective, on the season Matt Ryan has 17, Jay Cutler has 16, Alex Smith has 15 and Teddy Bridgewater has 9. Newton leads all quarterbacks in rushing yards (480) and rushing touchdown (7). To put that into perspective, only Devonta Freeman, Adrian Peterson, DeAngelo Williams and Jeremy Hill have more rushing TDs. The only player in fantasy football with more points than Newton is Tom Brady. With an ADP of about 89, and the 12th QB taken off the board this season, Cam is defying the laws of fantasy football motion. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Currently at 13-0, the Panthers are staring at an undefeated season. If I were a betting man, which I am, my money says they make it to 16-0. This week he gets the Giants. The Giants defense is allowing 314.8 yards and 1.8 touchdowns per game to opposing quarterbacks. I think a 4 touchdown game is not out of the question.

Join myself and your fellow readers in a special Razzball-only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-5 finishers in a 22-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

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