Mr. Anderson. Welcome back. We missed you. This week I tried to make things a bit more difficult by limiting myself to just the Sunday early games from which to choose. The unsurprisingly reality was that it was still quite easy to cobble together a lineup that would beat just about any team it was matched up against. Next week perhaps I will try using only players from the late games. This week’s crew combined for 180.1 points and includes one player that will undoubtedly be the top waiver wire pickup this week.

Please, blog, may I have some more?


For Halloween this year I heard that many computers are masquerading as The Stats Machine. Just so there is no confusion, let me set the record straight and say that there is only one Stats Machine. It’s formula cannot be duplicated as it is only documented in the mind of its creator. Me. For the last seven weeks TSM has cranked out its interpretation of every players performance and reported to you who it believed were the cream of the crop. The upper crust if you will. The Stats Machine doesn’t care about how many fantasy points a player scores. Instead it looks at raw performance (stats). Opportunity (snaps and targets). And opposing defenses. After the first four weeks of the season I instructed TSM to spit out its YTD rankings. Let’s compare those rankings to the current YTD rankings as defined only by fantasy points. In simpler terms, let’s see how the players TSM ranked as the best are now doing based on fantasy points scored after seven weeks…

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Every week I’m amazed that, theoretically, it is very possible to drop my entire team after Monday night’s game and rebuild a winning team with the scraps that are available on the waiver wire. I say theoretically because I really wanted to use that word in this post. That’s not completely true. I say as much because, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. By the way, who the heck are “they”? It’s easy to read Monday morning’s newspaper and pick out the top performers that no one saw coming. After all, that is why they are on the waiver wire in the first place. The skill is being able to identify those players prior to Sunday. Let’s take a look at this week’s collection of misfits that together, combined for over 200 points (201.98).
Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last week. The Stats Machine had a chance to rest its algorithms and recharge its data structures. This week, it’s ready to pinpoint last week’s top performances. Looking back is always easier than looking ahead, but it’s important that when looking back, to ensure we are examining the right stats. The Stats Machine does that for us. Let’s see what it saw last week.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last week The Dillon Panthers, my team in the Razzball Writers League, scored 168.64 points, making quick work of Jay’s team and elevating me to an astounding 6-0 record. Out of all the RCL’s, there are currently only thirteen undefeated teams remaining. Yours truly is fired up to be a member of that list and will look to keep rolling this week. But before we step ahead into the future, let’s jump in our DeLorean DMC-12 and go back in time to last weekend and see what lineup would have been strong enough to have knocked me out of the ranks of the unbeaten.


When asked for a list of players that would have outscored 168.64 points, Biff Tannen opened his Gray’s Sports Almanac and muttered, “How about these buttheads” as he rattled off the following list of players. “Together they combined for 173.81 points. Now why don’t you make like a tree and get out of here.”

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I won my fantasy baseball league this year and am using the winnings to take my wife and two year old daughter to see Mickey Mouse. When asked what am I going to do now that I’ve won my league, I can honestly answer “I’m going to Disney World”. I am leaving Monday morning, so this post is being written Sunday evening as I half watch the Giants-Niners game, and half compose this writeup. That means I lose two games from which to select players, but I have a feeling it won’t be that hard. Here’s what I’ve come up with.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In order to provide the most accurate rankings it was essential that I instruct The Stats Machine to recalculate the first three weeks’ results, accounting for opposing defenses. This was a bit more work that I had anticipated, but alas, I have the results. Can you believe that the top running back is C.J. Anderson? I hope not. That waste of a first round pick has been as useful as tits on a bull. And how about Jeremy Hill. Had it not been for last week’s three touchdown effort, he’d be a useful as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. Here is what The Stats Machine has computed based on the first four weeks…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

FINALLY!!! The defense has come to The Stats Machine! For the past many weeks I have been promising an updated algorithm in which opposing the defense is accounted for. Today I deliver on that promise. The premise is simple. All offensive performances will be weighted based on the ranking of the defense against which they posted said performance. Defenses have been ranked by the following four categories. Passing yards allowed vs QB. Rushing yards allowed vs RB. Receiving yards allowed vs WR. And receiving yards allowed vs TE. If one team allowed jus a few yards less than the next, but has given up several more touchdowns to a give position, I have swapped them in the rankings. With that preamble out of the way, let’s get to it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Apparently there is some discrepancy as to what exactly a “kissing cousin” is. Am I even allowed to end a sentence with the word “is”? [Jay’s Note: Sure are!] Either way, I just did. It is what it is. Like many, I have always thought a kissing cousin was a second, or more distant, cousin in which that law allows you to bed. Contrary definitions say it is any person close enough to kiss hello upon greeting. The law dictates that one cannot marry a first cousin. Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins. Jerry Lee Lewis did too, and she was only 13 years old at the time. I’m not even going to begin to attempt to recount the number of violations to this and other related rules in The Game of Thrones. Speaking of GOT, when is that coming back? The Leftovers season two just started and I’m not really sure how to react to the first episode. Anyone else? So what band of idiots can I put together from Week 4 that would have unexpectedly gone from geek to chic and crushed any team in its path.
Please, blog, may I have some more?

Just one more week until the defense makes an impact on The Stats Machine. With four weeks in the books, I believe that will be enough statistics to make sense of the defensive landscape. In the mean time, let’s power up the old version of The Stats Machine one last time as see what that soon to be deprecated software has got to say about last week. Will it recognize Aaron Rodgers’ five touchdown effort? How about Devonta Freeman’s huge game against the Cowboys? Who does TSM think had a better week, A.J. Green or Julio Jones? Those of you that have noticed that the title was not “Jones Means Go” are one step ahead of the game. And sometimes that’s all that matters. One step.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I really wish Devonta’s last name was Soulman. I’m a soul man would have been a much better title and then I could have linked you to a Youtube clip from the movie. Oh there’s a song too? I guess I could provide a link to that as well. Here’s week three’s team.

POS Name Points Owned
QB Andy Dalton 31.32 52%
RB Devonta Freeman 39.8 63%
RB Chris Johnson 27.5 42%
WR Rishard Matthews 26.3 32%
WR Rueben Randle 21.1 28%
TE Gary Barnidge 19.5 0%
FL Marvin Jones 17.9 20%
DST Vikings 15 11%
K Josh Brown 13 37%

Last week’s team combined for 201.84 points. Even that monster performance would fall short of this week’s selections. This group of waiver wire fodder has joined forces to score 211.42 points. Man… I need a freaking time machine so that I can get a hold of these posts a week early. Anyone have any leads on a flux capacitor?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As I mentioned last week, it won’t be until after week 4 that The Stats Machine (TSM) begins including opposing defenses into its algorithm. It needs about four weeks of defensive statistics before they are really useful. So in the meantime, just bare with us as we still believe our data science is attention worthy. However, as a commenter pointed out last week, without defensive adjustments the results kinda feel like something we could get from Captain Obvious. I see his point, at least to some extent, and have decided to add a section listing the top ten players, according to TSM, at each position.

Please, blog, may I have some more?