There’s a monster down in Jacksonville. No, it’s name is not Blake Bortles. Although, Bortles’ play this year has been downright frightening. This monster that I speak of is 6′ 0″ 224 pounds and has dreads flowing out from underneath his helmet, very much like the tentacles of the Kraken reaching out to engulf a ship at sea. Instead of munching on ships in the ocean, though, this monster trucks helpless defenders and leaves them in his wake. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Chris Ivory of the Jacksonville Jaguars. Release the Kraken!

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One of the great mysteries of life is the nickname. It is often said that nicknames are earned and that one cannot give themselves their own nickname. I say: Ef that. If I have big ears, did I “earn” the Dumbo nickname? That’s some bull shiitake mushroom. By the way, I don’t have big ears and I was never called Dumbo. Just an example. Goes to room, locks self in closet and cries. You know how nicknames are established? There are only three ways. 1) The person being nicknamed accepts the nickname. This usually happens because the nickname is freaking dope. 2) The person is a beta. 3) The person is a beast and tells everyone else what they should call him.

Darren Sproles falls into the third category. People used to call him Super Smurf. I’m with Sproles., ef that! You know how much of a boss he is? He says to call him Tank because, when he was born, he weighed 10 pounds. That’s what I’m talking about.

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Toughness comes in many forms. Ivan Drago in Rocky IV was the stereotypical tough guy. So tall that he blocked the sun from reaching us mere mortals, a body that made both men and women soil their drawers, and a haircut that signified to the world that he DGAF. On the flip side, a tough guy can also be one that is impervious to pain. Rocky was that kind of tough guy. He was so tough that Drago whined that “he is not human, he is a piece of iron.” Which brings me to Josh McCown. Huh? Well, he does have the same haircut as Drago. But McCown is more Rocky than Drago. During his only game of the season so far, he suffered an injury in the first quarter. An injury that was later deemed a broken collarbone. He ended the game 20-of-33 for 260 yards with 2 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. First quarter people! Broken collarbone! The postgame interview was legendary. That’s my quarterback! I do own him in a league, so I can say that.

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Don Who? I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, but no one knows your son. But that’s all about to change. Eddie Lacy is expected to miss several weeks due to an ankle injury, with the possibility of being put on IR. James Starks is expected to miss four weeks after undergoing meniscus surgery. The Packers had Ty Montgomery and Randall Cobb taking snaps at running back. To show how dire the situation in Green Bay is, the Packers traded for Knile Davis, he of the career 3.3 average on 233 attempts.

So, who is Don Jackson?

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Depending on your league, there should be some very enticing options on the waiver wire at the wide receiver position this week. Many of you will be debating the merits of scooping up Cameron Meredith. If this article comes out after your waiver wire process, then you can check to see if you missed out on the next big thing or drown in your tears with buyer’s remorse.

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“Oh baby I like it raw. Yeah baby I like it raw.”

We play a fantasy game that tabulates stats from the performances of human beings playing the real game of football. To win, one must devoid emotion from the process and select the players that project to score the most points. It’s a very cold and robotic process, something the NFL (No Fun League) is probably ecstatic about. Yet, we are human. Antonio Brown scores two touchdowns and starts twerking in the endzone? We are on cloud 9 and put Antonio on the short list of baby names. C.J. Anderson fumbles at the goal line, costing countless owners a win, and people flock to Twitter and send death threats and racial slurs. One of the excuses I see thrown around to explain this behavior is that fans are passionate (but that’s not an excuse for stupidity, but that’s another discussion for another day). Okay. But you know what? Football players are humans too!!! And they have just as much passion, if not more than you or I. How else could you explain the willingness to consciously get into multiple car crashes a day?

I’ve seen so much silliness the past week regarding Odell Beckham Jr.

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The Age of Latavius officially commenced on November 20, 2014. That was the night when the world witnessed a 6′ 3″, 230 pound rarity put on a performance that could only be described as, well, out of this world. Four carries, 112 yards, and two touchdowns.

With Darren McFadden and Maurice Jones-Drew in the latter stages of their careers, Murray would take over the backfield and form a young, exciting duo with quarterback Derek Carr. To finish out the 2014 season, Murray rushed 68 times for 258 yards and caught 11 passes for an additional 108 yards. He did not score a touchdown. Entering the 2015 season, there was tremendous optimism for Murray’s prospects, as he was the unquestioned starter on an up-and-coming team. 266 carries for 1,066 yards, 41 receptions for 232 yards, and six touchdowns. Not bad, but not delivered-from-the-heavens great. With an improved offensive line and upgraded defense entering the 2016 season, the stars were aligned. Unfortunately, through three games, Murray has rushed 32 times for 153 yards, caught eight passes for 58 yards, and scored three touchdowns. Ladainian Tomlinson, in his prime, would put that up in one game!

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It has not been a good start for owners of Golden Tate. Not only does he have a stat line of 9 receptions on 16 targets for 54 yards, but newly-acquired Marvin Jones has been ballin’ to the tune of 12 receptions on 21 targets for 203 yards. To make matters worse, Jones was drafted 3-4 rounds later in drafts. The Jones Truthers are “Living La Vida Loca” right now and for good reason. Coming into the season, Jones and Tate were said to be 1a and 1b. After Week 2, it sure looks like Jones is the bonafide #1 now. Is he? I keep hearing about aDOT (Average Depth of Target) as one of the main reasons why Tate will be polishing Jones’ cleats but, I went back and watched the game against the Titans. My conclusion?

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Recently, Bank of America Merrill Lynch said there’s a “20%-50% chance that we’re living in the matrix.” Are they sowing the seeds for their next great transfer of wealth scheme? Okay, I’ll take off my tinfoil hat. If we are living in a matrix, then it makes sense that we continue to mine the data and utilize statistical analysis for the fake game that we all love so much. But, sometimes there are observations made outside of the numbers that can focus our attention on a particularly useful piece of information…

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For the unfortunate few that did not have the pleasure of experiencing Tom Vu in the late 80’s, you truly missed out. His infomercials were the best thing on late night television, which prompted In Living Color, Saturday Night Live, and Family Guy to all pay homage to him. Put all the clowning to the side, though, because we as fantasy football degenerates should emulate the great Mr. Vu. Look past the terrible accent, the allegations of securities fraud and false advertising, the beautiful women, and the fancy cars. What do we have? The OG of VBD (Value Based Drafting). Okay, David Dodds and Joe Bryant over at Footballguys.com created VBD for fantasy football, but Tom Vu was VBDing in real life before fantasy football was cool. Look past all the sizzle and you will see that, at the core, he was all about finding value. Scooping up distressed properties (foreclosures, bankruptcies, divorces, tax liens) and milking a profit from them. Sound familiar?

Come to my seminar and I will show you the best value in the fantasy football market today!!!

Virgil Green. Is it any coincidence that the color of money is green? I think not.

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