That pretty much summed up Thursday night’s game.

The final score score was 36-7 and it wasn’t even that close. The Dolphins’ one successful drive was the first one of the second half. It was good to see some fight, although I suspect that head coach Dan Campbell went all Mick Foley on some fools at halftime.

It was cute to see Miami come into this game with some confidence after dispatching of two Arena-league teams. The Dolphins have talent (I picked them to appear in the Super Bowl). Doh! But… you can’t be a serious contender when you have a fight song like this

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With Halloween this weekend, the country has been consumed with ranking their favorite sweets. The divergent opinions and tastes are what make life beautiful and interesting. How boring would the internet be if everyone agreed with each other?

Here are two different descriptions of Butterfinger:

“Butterfingers. We’re not exactly positive what’s going on inside of a Butterfinger — what is it? And why is it orange? — but they sure are delicious. Nobody’s gonna lay a finger on my Butterfinger (both a good candy strategy and a euphemism for something inappropriate, probably).”- ETonline.com

“Oh come on; this can’t have been designed for human consumption. This isn’t a candy bar, this is a chocolate-coated grenade filled with shrapnel made of peanut brittle. I feel like Butterfinger was an elaborate prank that got to the point where it was too embarrassing to call it off, so they just went with it, and because of Bart Simpson, people still buy the f***ing things (I’M OLD).”- Jezebel.com

What’s this have to do with football? Butterfinger may be an acceptable name for a candy, but not for a football player that’s paid to catch the ball… The average catch rate lies in the low-to-mid 60% range. The player I’m going to talk about today has posted eight seasons under 60% and is currently at 50% for 2015.

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Divisional Playoffs - Green Bay Packers v San Franciso 49ers

In 2012, safety Donte Whitner said Colin Kaepernick’s nickname was Jafar from AladdinWorks for me. But Jafar was the villain. And Kaepernick is a hero. He led the 49ers to the Super Bowl in his first year as the starter. Ron Jaworski said, “I truly believe Colin Kaepernick could be one of the greatest quarterbacks ever.” Then things started to change. Defenses figured out the read-option. As his weaknesses were exposed, the criticism mounted. Trent Dilfer in 2013 said, “While Kaepernick remains an incredible player and an incredible athlete, his development as a passer has ‘plateaued’ this season, and he hasn’t made enough progress in his second season as a starter.” The hero was slowly turning into the villain.

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There’s a gonna be some prospecting come waiver wire day this week. The allure of gold drove many in the 1800’s to pack up their wagons and head west for the chance to strike it rich. The 2015 fantasy season has uncovered a fresh mine due to the Jamaal Charles injury. Once highly thought of handcuff, Kniles Davis, has been usurped on the depth chart and relegated to the fantasy scrap heap in most leagues. The astute among us (not me), that noticed that Charcandrick West became the backup to Charles in Week 4 need to be commended. Bravo. Hurrah. Kudos. You are probably all Charles owners, but if you are not, then you are my hero. Hopefully you picked him up because there’s a gonna be some serious bidding for his services.

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What is a pocket rocket?

  1. A miniature motorcycle meant for racing?
  2. A pair of aces in poker?
  3. A small vibrating dildo?

If you answered #3, you have a dirty mind and should head over to Tehol Beddict’s page. [Jay’s Note: The writer the world needs, not the writer the world deserves.] For the sake of this article, a pocket rocket is a miniature motorcycle meant for racing. It is small, light, agile and fast. Kind of like a certain NFL player on the St. Louis Rams, who’s nickname happens to be Pocket Rocket…

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M&M_spokescandies

After the conclusion of the 2014 NFL season, the clock was on for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who “won” the right to select No. 1 in the NFL Draft. There was nary a doubt that they would select a quarterback with the top choice. Sorry to all the Josh McCown and Mike Glennon fan club members out there. The question became which one: Jameis Winston or Marcus Mariota?

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If you didn’t see Cam Newton flip over a defender, get hit in the back while in the air, then stick the landing… kind of… for a touchdown in Jay’s Sunday recap, then you are probably a commie. Since we live in the Land of the Free! and the Home of the Brave!, where access to the internet is… free? Okay, screw the capitalists! Viva la revolution! I’ll shut up and just show it again for all those who missed it…

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Peyton Manning… or Really High Voice Peyton Manning…?

Both stunk up the joint Sunday against the Baltimore Ravens. He, or “they” looked like a guy that spent Friday and Saturday smoking tons of that wacky tobacky and ordering endless amounts of Papa John’s Pizza. Speaking of Papa John’s and wacky tobacky, does anyone find it just a wee bit coincidental that the same year Peyton Manning joined the Broncos is the same year Colorado legalized marijuana for recreational use? And Manning just happened to buy a gazillion Papa John’s throughout the state? GENIUS!

So Manning ended Sunday’s game against the Baltimore Ravens, throwing 24/40, 175 yards and 1 interception

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“Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That’s the other guy’s problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series – they don’t know what pressure is. In this building, it’s either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you’re up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don’t go to college and they’ve repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?” – Louis Winthorp III speaking to Billy Ray Valentine in “Trading Places.”

Are you with me? Love that movie. Hopefully, I can assist you in buying your kid that G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip for Christmas by writing this weekly column. First things first. Why bears and bulls? The easy answer is that bears attack by striking their claws downward and bulls strike by tossing their horns upward. The true origin dates to the seventeenth century when middlemen in the bearskin trade would sell skins they did not own yet. They would speculate on the future price declining so that they could buy them cheaper and capture the spread. They became known as “bears”, which was short for bearskin jobbers. Let’s stick with the easy answer…

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NFL.com defines a fantasy football sleeper as “a late-round pick or waiver-wire selection who exceeds his statistical expectations and becomes a prominent option in fantasy leagues.” How would you like a player that’s being drafted in the 18th round, is the #75 player at his position, and could potentially end up in the top-30 at year’s end? Of course you would. Sit back and enjoy the little story I am about to tell you. (ADP data from FantasyPros). Begin Brady Bunch theme song

Here’s the story, of a football player, who was drafted in the first round by the Colts. He is blazing fast, like T.Y. Hilton, will he get enough snaps to make an impact? It’s the story, of the fantasy sleeper, who gets no respect at the draft. He’s behind some guy, named J.J. Nelson, and in front of Jeff Janis from Green Bay. ‘Til the one day when he scores multiple touchdowns, then we will all know that it’s much more than a hunch, that this player will somehow make an impact, that’s the way he became a part of my heart.

Who is this player that I love oh so much?

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