Now that we’re getting into Week 3, let us gather ’round the campfire and tell scary stories about the Bogeycreatures of our minds: Biases! To know oneself is a difficult task, a task I will perhaps never complete. Correction, I know the parts of me that I abhor, just not the good parts. So yeah, as Meatloaf did not sing, “One out of two ain’t bad.” Now that’s some bad math, friends, so let us impale your encased meats and inflated sugar cylinders on your sticks, stare into the flames, and ponder the first person who decided that flames “lick.” First one to scream in fright has to stay up and make sure the fire’s all the way out. We’re doing A-through-C today. Use these biases to reflect on your drafts, your teams as they stand now, and to manipulate people so you win every argument. People like you a lot better when you insist on winning every argument
Anchoring Bias – Bet you thought I’d lead with a different bias, but that’s a different bias talking. Shut up other bias, we’ll get to you soon enough! Anchoring bias occurs when you fall in love with a piece of information, and you end up regarding it as gospel when it should be the first draft of a small community pastor’s sermon that was balled up and thrown in the bathroom trash at the Waffle House. This isn’t a rom-com, this is not love at first sight, and I am not Matthew McConaghy. Yet.
Automation Bias – When one depends too heavily on automated systems. This is for the folks depending solely on the numbers, and not at the tape. Rudy’s projections are fantastic, but lord, you can disagree with some of them. That’s the fun!
Clustering Illusion – You see a guy produce out of his gourd one week, and you assume he’s immediately become a unicorn (David Carr comes to mind)
Confirmation Bias – I’m right and Matthew Berry is wrong. Also, I’m better looking.
Curse of Expertise – When you fancy yourself the expert, and qualify all others as your students of fantasy sports.
These biases cloud the mind, but they’re also handy. Before kickoff, all of these biases and more will be at war, attempting to second guess your lineup. Think about how you came to your decisions, trust your plan, and blame me if your team gets annihilated. If you barely lose, that’s Lady Luck’s fault. Leave me out of it.
Onward to the blurbs!
A Blurbstomp Reminder
We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write-ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:
- Flowery Diction – how sites juice up descriptions of player performance
- Q and Q – when a site contradicts a player valuation on back-to-back blurbs
- Van Der Graaf Fantasy News Generator – When a blurbsite invents a narrative
- Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers that he did not address in his post. Onward to Roto Wokeness!
Flowery Diction
Coach Jon Gruden said Derek Carr (ankle) is “ready to go” for Week 3 against the Dolphins.
Speaking earlier in the week following the road win over the Steelers, Gruden labeled Carr as “questionable” for the Miami game. Carr played through the minor ankle issue against Pittsburgh and is ready to rock against a Dolphins defense that just got blasted for 35 points in a shutout loss to the Bills. Carr will have some streaming appeal after a strong Weeks 1-2 against much tougher defenses.
Source: RotoworldNBCSportsEdgecom
Any time you can you lead with an empty platitude from Chuckie, I’m in. Following that up with as lukewarm a take as “some streaming appeal” after Carr ripped it up in his first two games is a beautiful cherry on a sundae made with caulk for ice cream, tar for chocolate syrup, and an empty toilet paper roll for a banana. On a related note, I did not know it was settled science that you’re supposed to roll out the toilet over rather than under. I don’t know how you defend unrolling TP on the under. Bathrooms are truly the sewers of our homes. Hmm. That isn’t exactly a metaphor.
I do know that projecting Carr is harder to do than convincing anyone that I edit my articles before I send it off to be edited by another set of eyeballs. He has burned so many, for so many years. He is the “pot that you didn’t realize was still hot” of fantasy football. Some sites, like RWSE (above), say that he might be streamable due to the Dolphins poor defensive performance last week. Other sites point to the strength of the Dolphins defense as a vote against Carr as a “streamer.” I don’t see him as a streamer, I see him as a “start him until he gets destroyed and fills you with regrets, then transform that sadness into an indignant rage, and aim it at me or whoever’s advice made you start Carr, because no fantasy decision could ever be your own, amiright? We are all just other people’s opinions in different bodies. How else can you explain that I loved both Salute Your Shorts and Pete & Pete?
Q and Q
Mike Evans caught 5-of-9 targets for 75 yards and two touchdowns in the Bucs’ Week 2 win over the Falcons.
Clearly sensitive to Evans’ quiet Week 1, Tom Brady found him for 2/45 on the opening drive. That did not include either of his touchdowns. The first was a three-yarder where he went one way and the DB went the other. The other was a one-yard strike on a fade. Evans had to briefly check out of the game with what appeared to be cramps in the second half, but he missed only a handful of snaps. Troubled by Trevon Diggs in the opener, Evans will be put to the test against Jalen Ramsey in Week 3, making him a low-end WR2.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
This could also belong in the “Flowery Diction” bucket, due to the inclusion of a sentence fragment that demolishes the flow of the analysis faster than Norm MacDonald could ruin someone else’s talk show appearance: “That did not include either of his touchdowns.” So severe, so almost judgemental. I also appreciate that this blurb mixes the data with the socio-emotional. Any blurb that presents pathos on the same level as logos is attempting to weave a richer narrative. From this blurb alone, one can see the scene play out on the team bus after last week’s game:
INT – Team bus
Mike Evans sits in the back of the bus. His hood is on and he’s biting his lip, as if to hold back the well of tears he’s attempting to dam. TOM BRADY steps into the bus. The rest of the team waits to board the bus. He sees Mike.
TOM
Hey, Mike.
Mike pretends not to hear him. Tom leans back and nods to Gronk.
TOM
We need a little privacy. Can you tell everyone to give us a moment?
GRONK
Stay still! We no move! Tom need bus!
We follow behind Tom as he walks to the back of the bus. Over his shoulder, we see Mike pulling the draw strings of his hoodie until Tom can only see his nose. Tom kneels down next to Mike.
TOM
Mike. I’m sorry. I’m not perfect. We needed a decoy, and we didn’t tell you.
Mike stops tightening his hoodie. He is listening.
TOM
Next week, they’re not going to know what hit em. You’re not a decoy, Mike. Mike?
The parts of the hood covering Mike’s face become soaked with tears. Behind the hoodie, we know he’s crying.
TOM
I can’t hear you Mike. You need to believe. Say it with me…
BOTH
I am not a decoy.
MIKE
You’re a good man, Tom Brady.
TOM
Oh no, he saw…
Gronk, having seen them hugging it out, starts a giant dogpile that the whole team joins. We see the back-end heavy team bus slowly chug out of the stadium parking lot, its rear axles grinding the pavement, as the whole team sings along with Chicago’s “You’re the Inspiration.”
Thank you blurb. You’re the meaning of my life.
Van Der Graaf Fantasy News Generator
Damien Harris rushed 16 times for 62 yards and one touchdown in the Patriots’ Week 2 win over the Jets.
Despite last week’s late fumble that cost the Patriots a potential win, Harris got the start for the Patriots and handled 16 of the 23 carries out of the backfield, ceding five to James White and two to J.J. Taylor. It’s a relief for Harris’ fantasy players, as his role is secure atop the depth chart. And Harris answered with a beastly 26-yard touchdown run where he ran through or over eight Jets defenders on the way to the end zone. Harris added a two-yard catch on his lone pass-game target. He’ll be a rock-solid RB2 next week against the Saints.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
Friends, this is how you create a fantasy sports narrative. You base a blurb from last week on a bit of completely unfounded conjecture, spiking the punch bowl with the fear of the Patriots benching Harris. As was always the plan, Harris was the featured back, and he produced. This blurb posits an amount of relief for owners of Harris, but what about those who benched him based on the non-news item framed as potentially actionable news? What about them? You can’t just walk up to the bar they’re hanging out in, tap on the glass to get their attention, and show them the blurb while smirkingly snarking, “He got his numbers! How about them apples?”
Take it from me. You can’t do this. Even if you hold up the bag of apples to let them drink in the sheer beauty, they won’t get it. It’s a Boston thing. Just like Harris! And scene!
Memento/Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award
Zach Wilson completed 19-of-33 passes for 210 scoreless yards and four interceptions in the Jets’ 25-6, Week 2 loss to the Patriots.
The rookie rushed three times for 19 yards and absorbed four sacks on a day to forget. Wilson’s first two passes of the game were picked off on some really poor throws/decisions. At one point deep into the first half, Wilson had completed three passes to Jets players and three to Patriots defenders. He could have easily thrown six or seven picks in this one. Simply put, Wilson was trying to make things happen and wasn’t taking what the defense was giving him. He was trying to push the ball down the field. It’s just a day to forget for the rookie. And that happens to first-year quarterbacks facing Bill Belichick’s defenses. Wilson gets another brutal Week 3 date when the Jets go to Denver.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
Aye, but answer me this: Was it a day to forget?
I feel for Zach Wilson too. We all knew the score before the game began, and even though the game was terrible, he would rather forget this and move on. However, this blurb will last till the end of internet days. There is no fame without infamy. I do wish the blurbist took their own advice and forgot about this performance before attempting analysis that manages to walk the heretofore seen narrative tightrope walk of “Character Assassination/Gee Shucks It’s A Shame.”
Boy, that last sentence was a stretch. This was a blurb assessment I’ll be wanting to forget. I started off okay, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be analyzing The Beatles’ White Album track by track through the rest of my posts, especially regarding “Back in the USSR,” a song so obnoxious only Mike Love could have co-written it, which he basically did. The only thing good about “Back in the USSR” is that leads into “Dear Prudence.” I did my best. Even this paragraph, meant to parallel the blurb’s repetition, is a bit half-baked. It’s just a day to forget for the rookie columnist.
I’ll get another brutal Week 3 next week when I uncover the next non-story to grace these beautiful blurbs. Bless the blurbsites, as they are our Walter White’s meth van, providing chemical imbalances in abundance. A fantastic footballing to you all!
