Welcome to the Blurbpocalypse, a portmanteau so clumsy that it finally killed the word “Listicle.” We killed a word that has haunted the internet since the very beginnings of time (My kid still can’t conceive of the small portion of my early childhood where every home didn’t have computers/tablets/phones, so I’ve given up explaining the Internet-less world. Zounds, olde fowlkes must ha’e been sinfully bored, what wit the lack o’ 5G)! The aforementioned Blurbpocalypse happens twice a year, once in the MLB and once in the NFL, at the beginning of each league’s season. Teams finalize rosters, which means we collectively scroll through a pantfull of blurbs that look like this:
Sylvester Stone released by the Rams
Stone showed some flashes of his college years over the summer but was unable to carry it into the preseason. Stone was trying to make it a Family Affair, as Los Angeles initially drafted him. Unfortunately, due to some off-the-field issues, the team couldn’t Stand to wait for Stone to get back in shape. Stone released a brief statement: “Thank You (Falletinme Be Mice Elf, Again).
I could have gone on. Believe me.
This week I read so many of these updates, I became disheartened. However, for all the chaff, there was plenty of wheat to dissect, and boy oh boy do I love gluten. Let us begin!
A Blurbstomp Reminder
We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write-ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:
- Flowery Diction – how sites juice up descriptions of player performance
- Q and Q – when a site contradicts a player valuation on back-to-back blurbs
- Madonna’s Esoterica – when a blurb can’t help but provide landfill-level player trivia
- Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers that he did not address in his post. Onward to Roto Wokeness!
Flowery Diction
Tyrann Mathieu was placed on the Reserve/COVID-19 list on Wednesday by Kansas City.
Mathieu will be sidelined until for some time. This will be a situation to monitor leading into week 1.
Source: Fantasypros.com
This is an example of a blurb that I will not be deconstructing. Criticizing a blurbist for a typo is the lowest of hanging fruit. If this blurb was a tree fruit, it would be an apple that fell into the Grand Canyon, and then, through various nooks and crannies, found its way to the center of the Earth to provide sustenance for Brendon Fraser before he escaped to mount his comeback. He was down there for 13 years after the film crew accidentally left him down there. Luckily, he is both a God and a Monster.
Anyways, I do love the idea that “for some time” is a temporal end point. I’m sure Yahoo player page discussion boards will finish this sentence somehow. “Mathieu will be sidelined until…he stops being soft haw haw haw.” I really, really have to stop trolling those boards. They’re everything people accuse Twitch of being, without the people in hot tubs writing things on their flesh for, um, clout?
Q and Q
Irv Smith underwent surgery to repair his meniscus and will likely be out 4-to-5 months. Expect Smith to miss the regular season.
Smith being out vacates the tight end spot in Minnesota. The Vikings completed a trade for Chris Herndon, who will replace Smith as the starter. Smith being out for the season could give a slight bump in targets to both Justin Jefferson and Adam Thielen.
Source: Fantasypros.com
This is an excellent blurb, although tinged with sadness for Smith. We get an accurate description of the injury with a timetable, who will replace him on the Vikings’ active roster, and who could benefit from increased target opportunities. Compare it to this Rotoworld blurb:
Irv Smith underwent meniscus surgery Wednesday, which is likely to end his 2021 season.
Smith’s recovery timetable is four to five months, which puts his entire 2021 season in doubt. Behind Smith, backup Tyler Conklin has recovered from his hamstring injury and set to play in Week 1. Conklin has a career yards per route run of just 1.0, and is unlikely to deliver a strong fantasy season unless he monopolizes tight end snaps. Conklin’s chances of doing that took a big hit when the Vikings traded for Chris Herndon Tuesday. The former Jet looked like an emerging star as a rookie in 2018. He was then abysmal in his two seasons under Adam Gase, as is customary. If Herndon can recapture his early career form, the pass-catching tight end could be improbably fantasy relevant this season.
Source: RotoworldNBCSportsEdge.com
This blurb is all over the place. The blurbist leads with Tyler Conklin as ready to step in for Smith. He then writes a sentence about how terrible he’s been and then follows that with a few sentences naming the freshly-acquired Chris Herndon as the TE most likely to have any fantasy relevance this season. Why even include Conklin in this write-up if his chances of “monopolizing the snaps” disappeared yesterday? His name is pretty rad. Tyler Conklin sounds like the name of an ancillary character in a Coen Brothers movie, maybe an ineffective mechanic stealing a scene from whoever is taking over for George Clooney.
Madonna’s Esoterica
Ravens waived FB Ben Mason.
A fifth-round pick in April, Mason was twice voted “Toughest Player of the Year” by his teammates at Michigan. The Ravens will likely add him to their practice squad if he clears waivers.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
A quietly bizarre tidbit. I wonder what “Toughest Player of the Year” really means in a college football locker room. Did he play despite failing concussion protocols? Did he lose his hands in an ESPN2-televised 1pm showing of the Lumberjack Games, only to have them successfully reattached to the wrong arms and still never missed a down? Did he manage to watch the Christmas episode of Ted Lasso without feeling crestfallen? I guess we’ll never know.
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award
A Dolphins team source claims owner Stephen Ross is not “forcing team decisions” and has faith in starting QB Tua Tagovailoa.
The Dolphins started hitting up reporters after Mike Florio’s Tuesday report that Ross “really wants” Deshaun Watson. The time was certainly right for a denial, but it is about as weak as possible. Of course, the owner isn’t “forcing” team moves. He is also undoubtedly making his opinion known, and you ignore the owner at your own peril. Ross has always struggled to stay out of the Dolphins’ football decision-making process, and his desperation to win a Super Bowl has led to many unfortunate, desperate moves.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
This is NFL blurbing to a T. Let’s follow the logic trail to remember why we’re all here.
- Florio reports that the Dolphins owner “really wants” Deshaun Watson. Notice the “quotation marks,” as in, here is a caveat that my league source just fed me a line they really wanted me to regurgitate en masse.
- Daniel Oyefusi tweets that according to his team source, the owner is not “forcing team decisions.”
- Rotoworld (NBC SportsEdge to you post-millennials) blurbs the tweet while adding that the denial was weak and that the owner ultimately got his opinion across.
Let’s break this tiny blurb down into sources so we can get a clear picture of its legitimacy:
|
Who? |
Source |
Quote |
|---|---|---|
|
Mike Florio |
N/A |
N/A |
|
League Source |
Anonymous |
The Dolphins owner “really wants” Deshaun Watson |
|
Stephen Ross |
N/A |
No direct quote |
|
Daniel Oyefusi |
N/A |
N/A |
|
Team Source |
Anonymous |
The owner is not “forcing team decisions” |
|
Rotoworld |
N/A |
Denial is weak, sides with Florio’s source |
This blurb is a game of telephone in a kindergarten classroom that never existed in the first place. Part of me applauds the NFL-Media Marriage, as it relies on legitimizing a good deal of fiction. As long as it’s sports reporting, Wagging the Dog does nothing more than drum up sports radio talking points for those who realized commenting on these stories online doesn’t quite fulfill their We have ultimately learned absolutely nothing from this thought experiment. The Dolphins still have their begrudging franchise quarterback, but they’d rather have a tested/battle-worn version.
