Once in a while, a good piece of advice can come from the internet. Just yesterday a single person commented on last Saturday’s inaugural NFL Avoiding the Blurbstomp piece first calling themselves a “simpleton of linguistics” before accusing me of needless complexity in the structure of my writing. My superego, the voice of doubt, shame, and embarrassment that works hard to hijack any creative endeavor I pursue, was overjoyed. “Here,” it said, “Your writing style is unnecessary. Don’t be stupid. Write about fantasy sports just like everyone else.” My superego then leaned back against its souped-up, ketchup red Honda Civic with a spoiler and rims that would make Vin Diesel blush and dared me to keep writing.
I decided to defy Mr. Diesel, and I dare not change the shape and sound of my writing. I started coding. I am reading another translation of Milton’s “Paradise Lost.” I am watching the third season of Twin Peaks (no spoilers pls). I’m also re-reading all the Harry Potter books with my kid. I like doing the dishes. None of those items is a brag. Every writer is a sum of their influences, and mine happens to be as random and curiosity-driven as anyone else. Thank you, commenter, for reminding me that I used to be weak and treat comments like that as fact. I used to wilt and debase myself. No longer!
I am a silly person. Please be silly with me.
A Blurbstomp Reminder
We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write-ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:
- Flowery Diction – how sites juice up descriptions of player performance
- Q and Q – when a site contradicts a player valuation on back-to-back blurbs
- Trade Blades
- Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
The hope is that by the season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers that he did not address in his post. Onward to Roto Wokeness!
Flowery Diction
Speaking Thursday, Colts owner Jim Irsay said he does not want Carson Wentz (foot surgery) to return before he is 100% healthy
In other words, Irsay does not want his signal caller rushed back. “I told him, ‘I want you at 100 percent,'” was Irsay’s exact quote. “We want to see him healthy in two months, in two years, four years.” Irsay also said the team will not be making a trade, and will roll with some combination of Jacob Eason and rookie dual-threat Sam Ehlinger if Wentz is not ready for the opener. ESPN’s Adam Schefter has reported Wentz is back on track for Week 1, but there will be many hoops to clear over the next month.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
Very odd that Jim Irsay only wants his quarterback healthy during even-numbered months and years. If you didn’t see what I did there, you’re stronger than I thought. The phrase that drew me to this blurb is, “There will be many hoops to clear over the next month.” I believe the correct idiom involves jumping through hoops, although the idea of someone jumping over them is pretty gnarly in its own right. I thought football players stepped inside the rubber when doing their Tire Runs? What if football players used those gargantuan industrial-sized tires and played tiny games inside them? I would watch the life out of these Bitty Bowls.
Regardless, you don’t clear hoops. You can clear hurdles, you can even jump through hoops, but you will never, ever convince me that Albus Dumbledore was even a decent headmaster at Hogwarts. He hired a guy who turned out to be Voldemort, a con artist, a werewolf, and a guy who lazily used Polyjuice potion to “trick” the greatest wizard on earth to bring Voldemort back to life. Then he gave Snape and Trelawney tenure, despite their absolutely abhorrent behavior with their students. If I got into his ignorance of Hagrid’s disturbing eugenics experiments with the Blast-Ended Skrewts, we’d be here all night.
Ahem. If you’re going to rely on an idiom, you have to execute. No cutting loose ends, you know what I mean?
Seeing Double
Justin Herbert will not play during the preseason
New coach Brandon Staley confirmed Thursday that the majority of his starters will not see the field this exhibition season. That is in keeping with the philosophy of Staley’s former boss Sean McVay. “Our practices are going to be a lot more like games than these preseason games,” Staley said. “The environment that we create on our practice field is where the real action is in the preseason.” Herbert has a few new faces to build chemistry with, but Staley is not incorrect that the practice field might be the best forum for that. This has no bearing on Herbert’s ADP, which is typically in the QB7-9 range.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
Good to know. Finally a coach who knows the true meaning of exhibition. Now that we know that all starters won’t be playing, we shouldn’t need updates on every single starter who won’t be receiving exhibition reps, as that would be redundant.
Right?
Austin Ekeler will not play during the preseason
New coach Brandon Staley announced Thursday that he would not be playing Austin Ekeler or Keenan Allen at all in the preseason. This follows Staley confirming that Justin Herbert will not play in any exhibition games either. With Ekeler and Allen locked into clear cut starting roles, and already having established chemistry with Herbert, Staley is simply trying to keep them healthy for Week 1. Music to fantasy managers’ ears.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
It would have been more honest to write, “Nothing to see here, move on,” in the voice of an Irish cop not attempting to hide a Victorian-era murder victim’s body from a crowd of curious Cockneys. These preseason blurbs are brazenly filler, and I fault nary a blurbist for fulfilling the obligations of their jobs. I guess my job is to find the most boring blurb of them all. This is not that, which is a terrifying notion to behold. It is, however, a psychological ploy to satiate a fantasy footballer’s confirmation bias. I can feel the smug smile spreading on their collective faces. It’s very uncomfortable, feeling these smiles yet not smiling myself.
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award
Jaguars.com believes No. 1 overall pick Trevor Lawrence is “showing what you want from a future elite quarterback.”
Longtime in-house reporter John Oehser’s observation comes the same day coach Urban Meyer claimed the team’s quarterback competition was “open.” Per Oehser, Lawrence “also appears in synch with receivers – and is making big-time plays each day.” In other words, Meyer’s protestations are pure coachspeak. There is zero doubt in our minds Lawrence will be under center Week 1 against the Texans.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
Oh boy, there is so much to appreciate here. Let’s listicle this, because I’m not above a classic formatting choice to increase clarity:
- The source is from the team’s own camp blog. THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE, MA’AM, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
- There has to be a better reportable piece of news than a player “showing you what you want.” Or I’m totally wrong and I’ve got my next job interview absolutely “Tom Cruise from Magnolia’d.
Recruiter: What skills would bring to our team here at Anderson Holdings Ltd?
Me: Well, I’ve been known for showing you what you want.
Recruiter: Excuse me?
Me: (humbly shrugging) I show you what you want.
Recruiter: (trying to move on) Oookay. Why did you leave your last job?
Me: They told me that I was not showing you what you want.
Recruiter: Can you go any deeper than that?
Me: (standing up and shaking the Recruiter’s hand) I don’t think this is going to work. I’ve got three standing offers that can pay me double what you’re offering, just wanted to show you what you were missing.
Recruiter: (gutted by the implication) I guess…I guess I don’t know what I want.
Me: One day I’ll show you, and you’ll be able to show me. And on that day, we will be brothers.
- I decided to read the source material, and the reporter admitted being one of many, “Irritated observers and media anxious for Meyer to name a starter – and for that starter to be Lawrence.” A member of the media is literally saying, “You WILL declare the thing that will help me write more columns.” It may be hackneyed to call it an Onion bit, but this is the French Connection, and I’m Gene Hackman eyeing his partner Roy Scheider, and lord how have you not seen The French Connection?! I mean c’mon! Stop watching reboots and steal your uncle’s Criterion subscription password.
- The blurbist copied the original reporter’s misspelling of the word “sync.” I know it’s a legitimate variant to sync, but it shows up as an error in every note and document generation application I use. Don’t ignore the squiggles, they have feelings too!
- This blurb is repurposed confirmation bias. Rotoworld already posited the belief that Lawrence will start, and they used this bizarre piece of “news” to continue to try and goose his ADP a bit higher.
Did I just create a bulleted list, only to immediately interject a job recruiter sketch? I’m glad you got it. It’s good to know we’re in synch.
Till next time, and don’t get yourself blurbstomped! Don’t let preseason practice field blurbs change your ADP. Use our tools on this here dang site, and especially use a dang dictionary as a tool to bludgeon me into linguistic submission. Hardcover preferred, let’s keep it short and clean, friends.
