I apologize for the break in my articles, things got a bit much. I don’t like to get into the messy details of my personal life, but I also like contradicting myself, so, here’s my transaction list for the month of October:
October 3rd – Did not practice, labeled as Probable
October 5th – Did not practice, downgraded to Questionable
October 8th – Scratched before game time due to “personal matters”
October 11th – Ran the field, upgraded to Questionable
October 12th – Coach says I had the best practice of the season, upgraded to Probable
October 13th – Placed on the PUP list until early November
I know that I have missed a litany of small and big-time injuries that normally produce amazing, confusing, perfectly Blurbstompable content. I am saddened by this, but I now am able to return to this Good Ship Lollipop with a renewed vigor and sense of purposelessness. I truly am in the best shape of my life and my silliness shall know no parallel!
A Blurbstomp Reminder
We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:
- Flowery Diction – how sites juice up descriptions of player performance
- Q and Q – when a site contradicts a player valuation on back-to-back blurbs
- NFL Content Creator – How NFL creates news out of thin air
- Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers that he did not address in his post. Onward to Roto Wokeness!
Flowery Diction
Michael Pittman caught 5-of-6 targets for 64 yards and a touchdown in the Colts’ Week 9 win over the Jets.
Pittman’s touchdown was his third in five days and fourth in three weeks. Pittman’s 11-yard end zone grab was initially ruled an incomplete pass after Jets S Marcus Maye knocked the ball away, but further review revealed that Pittman had indeed #CompletedTheProcess. The six looks were a disappointment after Pittman drew 15 in Week 8, but frankly a good outcome as the Colts steamrolled the Jets for 260 yards on the ground. Pittman is running hot right now and has a golden opportunity to keep it up in Week 10 against the laughable Jaguars.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
Extraneous hashtag use in any format that does not use said hashtag to better organize one’s search function is my chief quibble here. It would be pretty useful if there was a hashtag system like “RB,” or “WR,” so you could organize blurbs by position on Monday morning to check out how each position player is covered. Alas, it is used here to make a wry comment on an admittedly obnoxious subject. When your sport centers around possessing/throwing/catching a ball, and you can’t figure out the nature of a catch, well then, might as well let the sportsbooks make the decision, right???
On another note, Pittman’s target total of 15 was an outlier for the season, as he managed 8, 7, 3, and 4 in his previous four games. I wouldn’t call this a disappointment as much as it was as an expected outcome. I know I’m unsurprised when I fail to Shoot the Moon in Hearts, but I am certainly not disappointed. Disappointed is my partner realizing that I drank the last Wegmans Ginger bubbly water, even though she left it in the fridge for three weeks and I was THIRSTY. Gotta hide that stuff from my uncaring self.
“A Blurb”
Carson Wentz completed 22-of-30 passes for 272 yards and three touchdowns in the Colts’ 45-30, Week 9 win over the Jets, adding four rushes for 13 additional yards.
Smarting from a pair of humiliating turnovers in the Colts’ Week 8 overtime loss to the Titans, Wentz bounced back against a “defense” that essentially let the Colts run a Saturday pre-game walk-through. The Colts posted 532 total yards and averaged 8.7 yards per play. The Jets might as well have had their scout team on the field. Wentz once again had an under-thrown deep ball or two, but he also once again struck up his connection with Michael Pittman in the end zone. His other scores were a shovel pass to Jack Doyle and end zone lob to tackle-eligible “Danny Pinter.” Wentz didn’t have to do much to be great this evening, but that will once again be the case in Week 10 when the Colts host Jacksonville. Wentz will be in the low-end QB1 mix for that one.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
Lord, may thine bullet points let us better know the hyperbolic disgust of this blurb:
- “Defense” that essentially let the Colts run a Saturday pre-game walk-through. Putting defense in quotation marks is what the sub-Millenials might call “cringe.” Also, pick the air quote thing or the pre-game walk-through bit, they both mean the same thing. This is written like the Jets stood him up for a date, or lost him a lot of money on a betting line. I’ll take the latter.
- “Might as well have had their scout team on the field.” The level of disgust coupled with the trite coachspeak is not charming.
- “Danny Pinter.” I, um, hm. I can see the vein throbbing in the forehead of the blurbist, as rage overtook him. “Who caught that last touchdown? A running back? A tight end? Wide receiver? Maybe even a fullback? No. Some TACKLE ELIGIBLE GUARD took away my fantasy points! He’s not even a real player!” And so, Danny Pinter was surrounded by quotation marks on the field, escorted out of the stadium, and became a concept rather than a real person. The power of the written word, people.
NFL Content Creator
Check out this neat timeline:
Nov 3rd
Cardinals coach Kliff Kingsbury said Kyler Murray (ankle) does not need to practice in order to play in Week 9 against the 49ers.
Nov 4th
Kyler Murray (ankle) remained sidelined for Thursday’s practice.
Nov 5th
Kyler Murray (ankle) did not practice Friday and will be a game-time decision Sunday against the 49ers.
Both Murray and head coach Kliff Kingsbury said Murray can still conceivably play without a single rep in practice. It’s a nightmare scenario for Murray drafters…
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
I love that the first injury update states that he won’t need to practice to play, and that two days later it becomes “actually him not practicing is serious guys, he could absolutely annihilate your team.” This is how you create traffic, social media buzz, talking points for guys arguing behind desks on television, and most importantly these days, gambling habits. Just extrapolate this out for most offensive players in the league, and we have an entire industry based on three updates that repeat the same information. Basement level data entry as entertainment morsels. Joy!
The Bell Rings Itself
Packers coach Matt Rhule said Sam Darnold (concussion/shoulder) was “extremely limited” in Wednesday’s practice.
Darnold suffered a concussion in the fourth quarter of the Panthers’ Week 8 win over the Falcons and did not return. It’s likely that he suffered the shoulder injury on the same play. Even if it was a more limited practice than the typical “limited” status, it’s an optimistic start to the week for Darnold for his long-term health. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to miss much time, if any, though P.J. Walker handled every first-team rep in Wednesday’s practice. ESPN’s David Newton expects Walker to start against New England. Walker has been a turnover and sack-absorbing machine in the NFL.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
“It’s an optimistic start to the week for Darnold for his long-term health.” This displays a bizarre lack of understanding in regards to how concussions affect long-term health. All those concussion studies have been out forever, there is no debate here. Oh god. There’s going to be a debate around concussion science now, right? People are going to do their own research and question whether brain scans aren’t just Soft Lib Socialist Player’s Union Reps crayon sketchings. What a world we live in. Anyway, for fantasy purposes, sure…
I mean, did he just walk around with sunglasses on? That would be somewhat safe depending on the severity of the concussion. Dude should be reclining in a La-Z-Boy, sipping on chamomile tea in a darkened den, maybe with a crackling fireplace and the smell of pine wafting through…sorry, that’s my sensory deprivation goal. Celebrating a guy for returning to practice is fun, but I always feel a bit gross when it comes to brain injuries. No sarcasm, I hope he’s okay, and he actually makes a decision based on his long-term health, rather than a fear of being seen as replaceable.
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award
Dolphins GM Chris Grier said trade talks about Deshaun Watson were more about Watson being available than the team being dissatisfied with Tua Tagovailoa.
Bold to try the, “It’s not you. It’s me,” approach, but it makes sense for Grier to do some damage control after the Dolphins publicly went after Watson ahead of the deadline, and the GM added the team believes in Tua and are happy with his development. That said, Grier passed up an opportunity to say the team would not pursue Watson during the offseason, instead saying, “We’ll revisit the entire roster.” It sounds like the Miami quarterback saga will be one of the stories of the offseason.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
This has extreme try-hard vibes in a narrative sense. Cameron Wolfe, the reporter linked to that last time this non-story came up, and here we are again. I did some deep google searching looking for any interview where the team owner, GM, or coach explicitly stated they were attempting the trade and found nothing. I recognize that it’s not in the team’s interest to reveal negotiation tactics, but I found more NFL content-churning than actual substance to any of this. This blurb furthers this tactic to its extreme. No trade occurred, but we still have a blurb with still more accusatory rhetoric. “Grier passed up an opportunity to say the team would not pursue Watson during the offseason…” That is the equivalent of saying Bigfoot is real, because we have yet to find any real evidence of its existence, not despite that evidence. I don’t care how many plaster casts of Gheorghe Muresan’s footsteps you show me, it ain’t real until it kills one of those Bigfoot Hunter show cast members.
On that reasonable and cheery note, I bid you adieu once again, and promise to return again next week for another installment of the Blurbstomp. Don’t believe the hype, and please don’t send Bigfoot to kill me.
