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Ladies and gentlemen: Florida.

Remember the early season hype on the Dolphins? To be honest, I’d probably remember it better if those same people who hyped them up didn’t backtrack faster than a Michael Jackson moonwalk after Miami started the season 2-3. But after winning three straight on the heels of a capable Ryan Tannehill, a functional Lamar Miller, and an underrated defense, we probably have to take them seriously as a possible playoff team. Granted, the three wins were against a Titantic-sinking Bears team, the Jaguars (no adjectives necessary) and a San Diego team that is 93% IR eligible. Thus enters the Detroit Lions and the return of Calvin Johnson. Which I guess also signifies the return of Matthew Stafford to being mediocre instead of just terrible. And while it’s surprising that the Lions have gone 6-2 with such a derpy offense and a running game that matches my walking game, you’d have to think this is the type of match-up that could signify which team is for real. Or maybe not. So I guess it’s just like every other Week 10 game that doesn’t involve the Jags or Bucs, who don’t need to tell us anything. Just go home, both of you are drunk.

Week 10 Rankings have been updated for today’s games, for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.

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About a week ago, all the buzz in Seattle was about how the decision makers had grown tired of Marshawn Lynch’s antics and that they were ready to chase to him out of town with pitchforks. Apparently, Lynch has a very tense relationship with head coach Pete Carroll and they have little to no communication. You’re kidding me, right? Those two seem like they’d be two peas in a pod. I just had a great idea for a reality show. Lynch and Carroll have to live together in a college dorm room! Every time Pete comes back to their room Marshawn has one of Pete’s ties around the doorknob. Why would Lynch want to be bothered with his head coach when he could care less about the nation’s president? Lynch’s decision to be a “no show” to the team’s Super Bowl victory celebration at the White House did not go over well with many. Sorry Obama, but Marshawn had better things to do than pay you a visit…

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Week 9: 7-6, Overall: 55-48-1, Locks: 5-1

Greetings! Beddict’s back in the hizzy, already 0-1 this week after Andy Dalton was brought to his knees as if he was Miley Cyrus, after spiking (NSFW… kinda) her own drink with multiple mollys. I apologize, for I feel wrong comparing Andy Dalton to someone with real talent. Is there anything grosser than Miley going full camel toe, sticking her demonic tongue out, and twerking that pasty pancake ass? Sure there is… Andy Dalton playing QB in the National Football League. That was one of the most embarrassingly pathetic performances I’ve witnessed from a QB in my many days upon this earth. Not since Curtis “Putrid” Painter started almost the entire season when the Colts were tanking (not talked about enough) to get Andrew Luck, have I been cursed with watching such peon like play. Seems like a great guy in real life though… moving on. Let’s get to this week’s picks, shall we? The quest for the perfect week continues.

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When a starting quarterback goes down for a team, it’s usually catastrophic.  Sure, you’ll have your Kurt Warner/Trent Green and Tom Brady/Drew Bledsoe stories, but more often than naught, it means a big blow to the team.  That’s not the case for the Philadelphia Eagles.  Sure, no one wants to see anyone get hurt, but this is fantasy, baby.  It happens, and you look for the new shiny toy to come in and lead you on a run to the championship.

This week, that new toy is Mark Sanchez.  Yes, that Mark Sanchez.  The butt-fumbling, hot dog eating, former quarterback of the New York Jets.  With a fractured collarbone, Eagles’ quarterback Nick Foles is expected to miss quite a bit of time.  For fantasy and real life purposes, that’s perfectly fine.

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Over the past few weeks we’ve had handcuffs breakout as temporary starters (Jeremy Hill), handcuffs keep the seat warm (Bobby Rainey), handcuffs to handcuffs become starters (Boobie Dixon), and practice squad players become viable fuzzy handcuffs (Jonas Gray). It’s a crazy mixed up world this handcuffing game, but us real hustlerz stay on our grind. Snatching your handcuffs, before you can get mine. It’s the way to championships and riches, we brought you Justin Forsett, Chris Ivory, and Denard (Robinson) Snitches! Liffy Out! Sorry for the random freestyle, but I needed to put you up on game. Lifshitz is so street that I have hood passes witout expiration dates. That’s another story for a never time..Yes, I meant to type never, because I’m not telling you….nan-never-ever. You want to fight?? That was street right? Hay-Zeus I’m rhyming again, oops. On to the handcuffs!

Note: Don’t forget to come visit me on the new Razzball Fantasy Soccer home everyday of the week. Smokey and I have leagues registering now. If you’re not familiar with the format, NBD, relax, you got us. Smokey and I are giving you the best Fantasy Premier League coverage out there. If you haven’t tried fantasy EPL, you’re missing out. So sign up and use us as your guide.

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Well, that was an interesting game, said no one ever. To be honest, I’m not sure what I was expecting from a game featuring two teams that originate from the state that created Skyline Chili, but I suppose this would be a fair enough assessment of where they stand in all things. Whatever that means. For all intents and purposes, the game ended with a little over four minutes expired in the first quarter as Ben Tate rushed for a touchdown on a Browns possession that resulted from an early Andy Dalton interception. The two teams kept playing for the next two hours, though I have no idea why. Probably just to troll us. Thanks Ohio! In other news, the Browns have a winning record in November. Wait, what?

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Alright, alright, alright. I keep getting older but I stay looking the same age. That may be because of the lipo, as I’ve had enough fat sucked out of my glutes to choke Moby Dick. Adrian Peterson certainly doesn’t require any amount of liposuction, as the man is built straight out of the Elder Gods’s fantasies. At 6’1″ and 220 pounds, this man could run through a concrete wall and probably destroy ISIS in its entirety this weekend. Peterson was also a winner in the courtroom this week, pleading no contest to one count of misdemeanor reckless assault, which hit him with a monstrous $4,000.00 fine and a couple hours of community service. That one’s really got dent the old pocket book, eh? Let’s just say he won’t be taking any of his 27 kids to shopping sprees in the short term.

Being that this case was handled in court, and it comes off as such a minor offense, I would have to assume AP will be eligible to play in Week 11. I know what you’re thinking… “There’s still no way Peterson beats out Asiata, right? The guy has scored more often than Beddict at a Sandals resort Halloween party.” Sorry, Asiata and McKinnon fans, this is Peterson’s show, and when he rides in like a gallant stallion to carry the Vikings to a playoff birth, Coach Zimmer will not stand in his path. Has there ever been a superior roster addition this late in the season in fantasy history? Josh Gordon is already owned everywhere, so the answer, guys and gals, is a resounding no. This is truly incredible, as any fantasy team that was bordering on playoff contention now has a legit shot at the title if they were able to swoop up AP. For my roster, I’m assuming he’s going to be an upgrade over Ben Tate and Chris Ivory… but I’ve been wrong before. Kudos to you if you had the foresight to grab AP a couple weeks back or were gifted him on this week’s waiver wire claims. I see mountainous orgies and many glorious victories in your future. Now, if you weren’t blessed with AP on the wire… may the Elder Gods take mercy on your souls.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

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Truth is, I used to be a Mark Sanchez apologist, and perhaps I still am. As a Jets fan coming off of two AFC Championship games, he was easy to like. Then, we got to know the real Mark Sanchez. Dancing with his pants off, the butt-fumble… need I go further? But overall, the Jets weren’t exactly a catalyst for his success. I blame them. Now, Mark Sanchez is born again with renewed hope as a follower of the Chip Kelly system, and I’m buying into it.

Full disclosure, I don’t think we see a far departure from the Sanchez we knew in New York, but I think we see improvement. He will still throw interceptions. He will still struggle in some situations, and I truly believe he will once again dance without pants, but I think the Eagles give him an excellent chance to succeed, like they did with Nick Foles. Sanchez might not be able to throw a football over them mountains, but he might be the Pedro to Nickfoleon Dynamite.  A solid one-two punch.

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They don’t make anything on television like the classics anymore. But everyone remembers the Fred MacMurray show of the titles name.  I am equating this show to the Atlanta Falcons wide receivers. Because in the reality of fantasy, if that isn’t an oxymoron, I don’t know what one is. And don’t get me started on dangling participles… the trio of Julio Jones, Roddy White and Harry Douglas are the kin of Matt Ryan.  Matty Ice needs to feed his clan of kin with passes and keep them, and us, happy.  What makes us happy is the Falcons actually being able to pass the ball and score on a consistent basis, and give us contributing factors for all three to be fantasy relevant week in and week out.  They are facing an opponent that previously in the year dominated, and this is why this week’s spotlight dance is on Harry Douglas. The slippery third wide-out for the Atlanta, that could be seeing a lot of action this week.

Note: Don’t forget to come visit me over at the new Razzball Fantasy Soccer home everyday of the week. Ralph and I are hustling like Rick Ross, and giving you the best fantasy Premier League coverage out there. If you haven’t tried Fantasy EPL, you’re missing out. So sign up and use us as your guide.

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2014 In-Season Accuracy: 59.6% (2nd out of 21 Experts, 61.8% Highest, 46.6% Lowest).

In a year that has seen more than its share of devastating injuries, IDP owners everywhere have been scrambling to fill holes left by their “sure-thing” draft picks. While some of those replacements have shown flashes at times (Jelani Jenkins, Jasper Brinkley), they have yet to truly dominate statistically like we saw in Week 9. The top three scoring IDPs for the week were Jacquian Williams, Chris Borland and K.J. Wright, all of whom got their starting jobs thanks to injuries to more proven commodities. We even saw huge weeks in big-play leagues from guys like James Harrison and Whitney Mercilus, who weren’t even really on the radar. Performances like these are often very difficult to see coming, but if you pull the right string, the payoff can be enormous. With another IDP mainstay down for the year (see you next year DeMeco), there is yet another opportunity to look towards an unproven backup (this time Casey Matthews) with a chance to shine.

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2014 In-Season Accuracy: 58.20% (25th out of 122 Experts, 60.70% Highest, 47.80% Lowest).

Week 9 Results: 60.30% (23rd out of 130 Experts, 66.00% Highest, 46.10% Lowest).

Accuracy Rank Experts Highest Lowest Score +/- Rank +/-
Week 1 61.80% 22 134 66.10% 48.20%
Week 2 54.00% 35 135 61.30% 42.10% -7.80% -13
Week 3 57.40% 88 128 67.10% 44.30% 3.40% -53
Week 4 56.50% 48 128 61.10% 42.80% -0.90% 40
Week 5 56.50% 70 131 69.40% 47.00% 0.00% -22
Week 6 56.30% 27 133 63.10% 41.50% -0.20% 43
Week 7 59.70% 33 132 64.30% 46.50% 3.40% -6
Week 8 56.30% 67 130 64.80% 45.20% -3.40% -34
Week 9 60.30% 23 131 66.00% 46.10% 4.00% 44
Totals 58.20% 25 129 60.60% 47.80%

And now, your Week 10 Rankings…

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Most people recognize O.J. Simpson as the guy that most likely killed his wife and her lover and got away with it. If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit. Old school football fans know “The Juice” as the running back for the Buffalo Bills that became the first player to rush for over 2,000 yards in a season back in 1973. While six other players have since accomplished that feat, Simpson remains the only player to have done so in a 14-game season. He also holds the record for the single season yards-per-game average, with 143.1 yards per game.

But how many of you remember him as T.D. Parker, the veteran running back that transitions from player to coach to help lead the California Bulls in HBO’s glorious sitcom from the late 80’s entitled “1st and Ten”? I don’t know about you but that show was awesome. Starring Delta Burke (in her prime), the show included many guest appearances from NFL legends such as Fran Tarkenton, Marcus Allen, John Matuszak, Brian Bosworth, John Riggins, Lawrence Taylor, Joe Namath, Eric Dickerson, Roger Craig, Jim Everett, Herschel Walker, Randall Cunningham, Warren Moon, Ted Hendricks, Bubba Smith, and more! And let’s not forget about Leslie ‘Dr. Death’ Crunchner, played by none other than Donald Gibb who is best known for his role as Frederick Aloysius Palowakski (aka Ogre) in Revenge of the Nerds. Well done HBO. Well done.

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