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Welcome back everybody to this week’s edition of “Deep Implants”, our recurring series here at Razzball discussing the history of American spies planted overseas during war. This week, we’ll take a look at the exploits of Edward Bancroft, a Massachusetts-born scholar who was a key provider of intelligence from London to Ben Franklin during the Revolutionary War. Before diving into his espionage, let’s start with his studies that showed eels use electricity to capture their prey… *answers call from Jay* I’ve been informed that this is actually another installment of Deep Impact, and also that BANCROFT WAS A DOUBLE AGENT THE WHOLE TIME! NO, BEN FRANKLIN, STOP GIVING THIS MAN INFORMATION!!! As a refresher for those of you who missed the first regular season piece in this series, this is for fantasy football players who like to hang out in the deep end. Metaphorically speaking, of course; I don’t go into the actual deep end as I’m not a strong swimmer and the kids are really judgmental these days. Floaties are for adults too, dammit!

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I’ll be honest, I was late turning on the game by about five minutes, and arrived to a replay of a stupid shovel pass by Ryan Fitzpatrick and a field goal. Honestly, the Jets had possession for like 14 minutes in the first quarter and was losing… Typical I said! But whoa, 67,000 points later, I was like, what in hell actually happened? Would this be the game that might actually remove the dreaded Thursday night curse of beyond-sh*tty football? Well, probably not, Phil Simms is still alive… baby steps though. In what was a sorta-kinda “color rush” game, also known as GANG LIME JELLO NEON RAVE GREEN game, the Jets actually wanted it both ways, going with their usual white with green uniforms for the sake of the color blind. All eight percent of you. Which is fine, but if you’re going to go all white, it better be something like K-Swiss or else I ain’t even gonna notice. And yes, the game’s final score of 37-31 seems closer than the game actually was (and was probably quadruple what the O/U from Vegas was), but we did find out some valuable information moving forward. First, the Jets defense kinda sucks. Second, I saw some personnel issues with the Bills. Those include: The Bills. Oh, there were also 13 total penalties this game, good for 109 yards. If only I had picked up the referees off waivers instead of the Jets defense…

Special Note: As you might notice after the jump, our new Player Pages are up and running (whenever a player’s full name is written, you’ll be able to click on it and be taken to a magical box of info and other nifty thingamajigs). Special thanks to Rudy for this brand new feature, and he’ll have a post on this later today delving into the development, his process, and what you can expect moving forward. It’ll probably be a bit more informative than calling them “thingamajigs”, that’s for sure. But if you want a quick look-see, check out my favorite player’s page!

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Well, this is a matchup that makes me think: Man, what did I do this week to deserve this? And on a Thursday night no less! You know we’re going to see a 3-0 game here, and if we’re lucky, maybe it’ll be 6-3. I could even see a 1-0 game. Honestly. I mean, one can only hope that we get a safety out of this so we can at least have a few laughs. Oh, god, I almost forgot this marks the debut of Phil f*cking Simms, and his favorite enabler, Jim Nantz. What. The. Hell. Not only that, but we have a hobbled Sammy Watkins to deal with, Tyrod Taylor trying to climb himself back into relevance, and a Jets offense that’s more boring than Cris Collinsworth hyping up Tom Brady. I guess this is my way of telling you to make sure all your favorite alcohol beverages and antacids are stocked up. And probably get your ear plugs, and probably blindfolds in the ready position…

The rankings have been updated just now for tonight’s game, and can be found here.

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Welcome back to the Razzball streamer article.  I have some work to do after week 1.  None of my plays had big days and a few were downright awful.  Maybe I dove a little deep, perhaps things didn’t fall my way, or maybe I, flat out, don’t know what I’m talking about.  Whatever the case may be, I’m going to try and be more useful to you this week.

I mentioned last week that I was going to add droppables to this article and we probably are a week or two away from that.  I don’t want to jump to conclusions after week 1.  If we were going to jump to conclusions after week 1, Adrian Peterson would be one of the worst running backs in the league and everyone would start Will Fuller over Dez Bryant.  Actually, I probably would start Will Fuller over Dez Bryant because of my pure disdain for Dez.  I never draft him so I don’t have to worry about that…

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Year Accuracy Rank Highest Lowest Percentile
Week 1 TBA TBA TBA TBA TBA
2015 57.5% 22 out of 123 59.9% 51.6% Top 20%
2014 58.1% 31 out of 125 60.7% 50.6% Top 25%

Welp, Week 1 was… interesting? I guess that’d be an apt descriptor. Unless you were a Keenan Allen owner. Then I would call it an excuse to catch some of that alcohol poisoning that’s been going around. I guess the same could be true of all you Tyrod Taylor hype-sters out there (no Von Miller, you stay the ef away man, I did not say hipster!), but let’s be honest, Sammy Watkins owners have it a bit worse. Regardless, we look to Week 2 as an affirmation that we’re all not crazy for drafting Todd Gurley, Dez Bryant, Devonta Freeman, etc., and we have now at least one week of games in the books to make numerical assumptions in the hopes of making the right decisions for our fantasy football teams. That was probably the more robust way of saying “hey guys, I watched some games, here are some more rankings”, but whatever. I got a lede to write, naw what I’m sayin’?

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Welcome to the newest episode of the Razzball Football podcast! As the title alludes to in very obvious ways, not only do we go over some highlights from Week 1 and preview Week 2, but we also get a fully-fledged admittance that Tehol may have made a huge mistake by selling Tyrod Taylor to the masses. To be fair, all of us enabled him, so maybe the blame lies with us all? DEEP. Regardless, our amazing “production value” returns as Tehol once again braves the highway as a professional driver and talker at the same time, which made it sound like we recorded near an ocean. Only if that ocean was full of low-volume background static. Surf those electromagnetic radiation waves braaaah. I’m also happy to introduce a special conversation in the middle of the cast that I had with John Sahly, a senior writer over at Pro Football Weekly. We’re set to face off against each other in Pod Vader’s BlogTalkRadio League, and talk about not just our upcoming face-off, but what exactly a “fantasy expert” is. Hint: Not much! After that short reprieve, Tehol, Zach, and myself finish up our Week 2 previews. Enjoy the show!

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Greetings! As we speak, I’m rectally inhaling MDMA in order to get through this post without breaking down into hysteria over my rankings from last week. To those of you I’ve wounded, I give my sincerest apologies. And to those of you I helped…anyone? ANYONE? Never mind. You’ve got to be realistic about these things. Anyway, I absolutely adore that beautiful-minded Eli Manning this week. He gets a Saints defense that just got bent over a barrel and shown all 50 states by the Las Vegas Raiders, and, oh, by the way, they just lost their best corner. Say one thing for the New Orleans Saints, I have absolutely no freaking clue on who the next man up is. I suppose that’s not surprising, considering I was unaware that this nobody who was injured was their best DB. That’s right ya’ll, the Saints defense is thinner than Giraffe schlong, and I, for one, plan on taking full advantage of it. Doubt me if you dare, for the last occurrence where I was doubted, I ended up with my chiseled glutes spread with my cousin’s tongue between them. She was a second cousin and not by blood. [Jay’s Note: Wait, what?]

I am Lord Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

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Was it just me, or were running backs pretty disappointing during the first week? It could just be me. My weekend consisted of a bachelor party and watching the games at a bar in New Jersey on Sunday sandwiched between two three-hour flights.  Sure, there were good performances, but overall it left me feeling validated that I targeted wide receivers in the early rounds over running backs whenever possible. Anyway, here we are with the week two handcuff, which I guess is technically the first full handcuff report. If you didn’t already know, I will be writing the handcuff report this year, and it should be available every Wednesday morning. With this being the first week of games, we will have to try and determine which performances we can expect to see repeated and which ones we are less likely to see repeated on a regular basis.

Those of who you took David Johnson early are feeling pretty good right now. Those of you who took Todd Gurley are probably feeling slightly less good. If you grabbed a bunch of talent in the first few rounds and then snatched up C.J. Anderson and Ameer Abdullah, you probably won your matchup this week. But those guys are all RB1s, and we hate them here because we are more worried about the scrubs who can steal some points in the coming weeks.

Okay, here we go…

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Most would have undoubtedly considered the lineup I am about to throw at you to be ridiculous had I recommended it last week for last week’s matchups. I am certain my readership would have plummeted from fifteen to about five. Even though that’s an eighty percent decrease can I still use the word “plummet” considering how small the numbers are with which we are working? There are more than fifteen people in any of the men’s rooms at any given time at an NFL stadium during a game. Are those my followers? Are you sh!tting me? I love it! While most would have quickly clicked “unsubscribe to malamoney’s posts”, when they read the papers on Monday morning and saw the results, I’m not sure if they would have called me lucky, and lucky idiot, or just an idiot. Probably all three, which is technically the second option. Led by Alex Smith and Theo Riddick, the following lineup would have won just about any matchup in its path…

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You gotta groove. You gotta sway. You gotta flow. It takes a certain amount of swagger (or just Latin hips?) to really pull off the salsa dance like we see above. And yet, spread the word to the masses, we finally got to see that beautiful salsa dance again on Sunday! Welcome back Victor Cruz! Thank you for letting us glimpse the joy, the beauty and the underrated nature of the salsa dance after you played your first game in 700 calendar days and scored a TD in the process. With you complimenting Odell Beckham Jr. and the sterling rookie Shepard (that was fun), the Giants passing attack should be among the best in the league. And would ya look at that, Cruz is widely unowned in leagues as of the Tuesday morning after Week 1.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Welcome back, my horde, to the first official hit it or quit it for the 2016 season!  Sure, I teased you all a little bit with some of my draft and preseason action, but this is the real thing, baby!  Hopefully, you all made it through week 1 without my “Black Widow Curse” taking out your first round draft picks?  I know I made it unscathed this week.  I think I am finally getting the hang of this thing and embracing the evil that is this curse rather than trying to fight it.  I know a couple of you lost some people, and for that, I wish I could say I was sorry, but I am embracing the evil, remember?  So, at least I can make it up to you some way by maybe giving you some people to target this coming week.  Because, after all, I am not a girl who just takes.  I know the importance of giving as well as receiving, especially if we are going to make this love affair last.  So, without further ado, here you are my loyal creeps, weirdos, perverts, geeks, convicts, inmates and overall degenerates, Hit It or Quit It, Week 2.

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I have to just come out and say that the title is referencing “a little some’ some'” because the reference is pretty ambiguous. I’ll let someone else take the Shaun of the Dead reference. Why Shaun Shaun? Because it was a big week for two fellas named Shaun and now it’s time to get some. A Shaun named Hill won his start for the Vikings but we only care about him in 2QB leagues and even then I doubt we care because he might lose his starting job this week. Shaun Draughn, of all people, is somehow among the best FAAB acquisitions I could find for 12 team fantasy football leagues. It’s not the sexiest week one for acquisitions because week one didn’t reveal as many surprises as we expected. The good news is maybe we can avoid all “what a crazy Week 1” references. Please? (Aside: Chip Kelly is almost single handedly responsible for the 49ers offense not being a disaster against the Rams). Here’s your players to consider for week 2 FAAB (Free Agent Auction Bidding) waiver claims. All prices for $100 budgets so if your starting budget is not $100, view them as percentages.

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