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There’s a common occurrence in golf which all avid golfers are familiar with. Here’s how it goes down: a golfer plays a horrific round of golf that they’d like to burn out of their memory like that time you caught your parents in a threesome with your neighbor Randy. Then, on the 18th hole, the golfer hits one of the purest, most beautiful shots of their life. The golf gods always keep you coming back for more. Monday night’s Steelers vs. Bengals game was the complete opposite of this golf phenomenon for many fantasy football owners who played a great season only to fall flat on their face on the next to last hole as Ben Roethlisberger forgot how to play football going 20/38 for 170 yards with 1 touchdown and 1 interception. Big Barf tried to drag the rest of the Steelers’ fantasy weapons down with him, but Diontae Johnson (8 catches for 59 yards and his 6th touchdown) and Benny Snell (18 carries for 84 yards, 3 catches for 23 yards and his 4th touchdown) were impervious as they mopped up the barf. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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It was only two hours before the show when Tony Pollard got the call. Ezekiel Elliott was indisposed. Zeke ate some questionable Mexican food on Saturday night and wouldn’t be able to venture too far from the toilet. Pollard came in, cool as Zeke’s baby wipes, handling 12 carries for 69 yards while snatching 6 catches for 63 yards and his 4th and 5th touchdowns. If Elliott’s still chained to the porcelain throne next week (it’s actually his calf and I expect he’s back) then Pollard would be a solid RB2 against the Eagles. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Winter is coming. It’s semifinals week and the night is dark and full of terror. It’s time for you to grab you dragon glass dagger and slay your white walking dead opponent on you way to claiming the throne of Fantasy Football Champion. In this post I’ll go over questionable players to watch closely Sunday morning as well as some sneaky starts this week, who just might be available in your free agent pool depending on how many players are rostered in your league. Plus find my freshly updated week 15 rankings below!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So with MB’s Zoom retirement party happening tonight, DT asked me to step in and do the write-up for Saturday Night Football. I said to DT, “But, Zoom allows like 50 people to join in on a call!” And DT replied, “Yeah, it’s me, MB, and all 48 members of the Japanese pop idol group AKB48. Sorry, we’re full up!” So, sayonara my dear MB. I hope you have fun playing Apples to Apples with your new crowd. 

In the mean time, I’ve got your fantasy roundup for Saturday games: Buffalo vs. Denver, and Carolina vs. Green Bay. 

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Shadow Coverage Tracker
WR Finish Total
1 20
2 11
3 11
4+ 29
Grand Total 71

Team: Detroit Lions

Opponent: Tennessee Titans

WR1: Marvin Jones

Shadow Coverage Matchup: Malcom Butler

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After the third mantra of forgiveness, Donkey Teeth realized that what he was about to do was, in fact, inhuman nature. With his mind on a trophy and his heart filled with envy, he opened the door to his podcasting station. He picked up the iPhone that had Grey on speed dial, and he turned it off. “Won’t be needing that where I’m going,” he thought to himself. With a flick of his wrist he powered on the Razz-pooter, the super-workstation that powered the Razzball media empire. He minimized his windows of rankings, leaving only the 8K background visible: the giant, smiling face of Pat Fitzmaurice. “I’ll avenge you, friend.” Donkey Teeth whispered while he loaded up Twitter. 

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If you aren’t familiar with the history between Justin Herbert and Marcus Mariota, I’ll clue you in on the story. Back in middle school the two NFL quarterbacks actually played on the same youth hockey team. It was a rag tag bunch of kids, coached by a down on his luck attorney with a drinking problem. That’s the plot to Mighty Ducks, Hebert and Mariota played college football for the Oregon Ducks, and not even at the same time. Alright, fine random italicized voice, you win. You always win. The point is, they’re both ducks! And one of these ducks quacked just a little louder on Thursday night: rookie Justin Herbert. The kid went off in primetime going 22/32 for 314 yards, 4 carries for 14 yards, 2 passing touchdowns and 1 rushing touchdown–he now has 27 passing touchdowns on the year, tying the all-time rookie record. Unfortunately, the quarterback he’s just tied isn’t a legend like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady, it’s Baker Mayfield. Wah, wah. It’s an impressive feat regardless, and Herbert still has two full games remaining. He’s going to be good for a long time. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 15 finds us in the middle of our Fantasy Football playoffs and hopefully you are reading this column because you are still alive in your leagues. I’d like to think that I’ve helped you along the way with some valuable flex plays in these Sexy Flexies articles and I want to do that again for you in a crucial week. That is exactly why I write this column, to help you make these tough decisions and win your weeks!

As you know, every Thursday here on Razzball, I will be posting the weeks “Sexy Flexies” to give you a couple of players to consider starting in your flex spot. The objective isn’t to point out the obvious guys you’re starting in your RB or WR slots, but to take a look at a couple of players who are a bit more under the radar. These will likely be guys that you don’t start every week but will be good rotational pieces in the flex spot of your lineup based on matchup and opportunity.

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I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning (except Thanksgiving week!) for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Chargers (+3.5) at Raiders

Forecast:  This game’s all about Justin Herbert and his terrible hair cut. Or as Grey likes to call him after watching Hard Knocks, Doctor Hibbert. Hopefully we see Doctor Hibbert and not Doctor Nick who showed up two weeks ago against Belichick and the Patriots–that was straight malpractice. I’ve sent Herbert some hair implants so we should be getting another dose from the real doc. The only thing that can stop him now is if Darren Waller flips to linebacker. Mmmm I bet Waller would be a Hall of Fame linebacker. Chargers 27, Raiders 24 

Wager:   Chargers +3.5 (2 Units)

2020 Season: 3-10 (-5.05 Units) 

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 15 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:

*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $5.99 for the rest of the season.

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Whew! Someone towel me off. That was intense! Hold on a minute, I need to take a few more laps around the couch after that epic finish. I know what you’re all wondering: did Donkey win his Wizard Phallus playoff matchup and did he manage to advance to the RazzBowl championship bracket? Yes and yes–everything went great, thanks for asking! But enough about me, let’s talk about the most exciting football game of this crazy 2020 season. Lamar Jackson unleashed Thriller 2.0 by going 11/17 for 163 yards, 9 carries for 124 yards, 1 passing touchdown and 2 rushing touchdowns–he now has 18 passing touchdowns and 6 rushing touchdowns on the year and I told you he was a screaming buy for his great playoff schedule. But LJax also had some backup dancers who pitched in on the filming of the music video as J.K. Dobbins Macarena’d his way to 13 carries for 53 yards and his 5th touchdown and Gus Edwards Dougie’d his way to 7 carries for 49 yards, 1 catch for 4 yards and his 5th and 6th touchdowns. As a Dobbins fanboy, I don’t get Harbaugh’s obsession with Gus the Bus but I suppose if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I haven’t dug in on all the week 15 matchups yet, but I anticipate ranking Dobbins as a solid RB2, Gus as a low end flex play and LJax as an elite QB1 against a soft Jaguars defense. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So you’ve made it into the second round of your fantasy league playoffs… or you’re a spiteful little thing and want to know what kind of guys you can block your league mates from getting.  The bar for getting added to a playoff team is pretty high, so I am being choosy with who get listed, but it’s possible you have some holes to fill. 

I group the adds by position and then within the position, rank them in order of preference. With the playoffs upon us, I have removed percentages of the FAAB. If you need any of these guys to start for your team, then spend what you need to spend. The sherpa will only advise players who are rostered in less than 50% of ESPN leagues.

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It’s been awhile since T.Y. Hilton had Luck on his side. 23 months to be exact. Andrew Luck played his final NFL game on January 27th, 2019. Since that day, Hilton has played a total of 22 games. In that stretch he’s posted only one game of 100+ receiving yards (last week) and four games of 80+ receiving yards. Over the past three weeks he’s gone off for 81, 110 and 86 receiving yards–that’s right, three his four 80+ receiving yardage games from the past two seasons have come in the last three games. The hot streak culminated this Sunday as Hilton snagged 5 catches for 86 yards and his 3rd and 4th touchdowns. You guessed it, all four of those touchdowns have come in the past three weeks. The tide has finally started to turn T.Y.’s way, just in time for him to bring you home that coveted Wizard Phallus Championship Trophy. Wait, your league doesn’t have a Wizard Phallus Championship Trophy? How bout phallic pins for each championship you’ve won, which are pinned to your champions jacket in the prestigious pre-draft pinning ceremony? No? Well, I’m sure your championship will still be satisfying–almost as satisfying as my second penis pin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Marvin Jones vs. Shadow Coverage
Opponent Games Rec Yards TDs PPG
All other opponents 31 4.4 56.7 0.6 11.5
Vs. Shadow Coverage 4 4.3 48.8 0.3 8.5