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Deep in Razzball Headquarters — probably somewhere in Donkey Teeth’s third basement where he keeps his Jay Cutler jersey collection — a phone rang. The ringtone, Carley Rae Jepsen, but not the song you’re thinking of. This phone call broke the rules of decorum, where Donkey Teeth was not to be bothered while attempting to ascend to the status of bodhisattva. The un-becoming would wait.

“Aye,” Donkey Teeth answered, returning to the material plane and answering his Blackberry. 

“We’ve got a problem here, boss.” It was EverywhereBlair, weekly columnist for Razzball and the 18th most-read ranker on Reddit. “Seems Joey’s not coming out of his bubble.” 

“Leave it to me. I’ll be there in a minute,” Donkey Teeth said, leaving his lotus position and ending the call. Naked, he stood in front of his miniature shrine to Rex Grossman, his focal point for meditation. “Blue 42,” he whispered, and disappeared. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Happy Thanksgiving season to you and yours! We are in week 12 and if you’re still reading this column that means you are likely still alive in your fantasy football playoff hunt! Hopefully you’re reading this because you’re making your playoff push or fighting for a high seed and want to keep winning. Regular seasons are ending and this could be a win and in week for you so let’s get you a couple of solid flex players to use in your lineup this week. That is exactly why I write this column, to help you make these tough decisions and win your weeks!

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As my Kerryon Johnson fathead and I prepared for our first Zoomsgiving on Thursday morning, I could feel the Excitement growing. Yes, I’ve named my dong “Excitement.” So I fired up AOL dialup connection to join the Razz-family Zoom call. Nothing could have prepared me for what I’d see on the other side of the screen once my 17 minute dial up was complete. The things Rudy Gamble, Pigskinonator and their Will Fuller fathead were doing would make Louis C.K. blush. A couple hours later ,Will Fuller came through again with a monstrous game against the Lions, catching 6 passes for 171 yards and his 7th and 8th touchdowns. The great Pigskinonator foreshadowed all of this, of course, projecting Fuller as its #3 fantasy wide receiver for week 12 and projecting Deshaun Watson (17/25 for 318 yards, 8 carries for 24 yards and 4 touchdowns–he now has 24 touchdowns) as its #2 QB for the week. If you haven’t tasted the deliciousness of the Pig-bot yet, we’re still offering a free 3-day trial and then it’s only $5.99 for the final month of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

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Who’s ready for Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving means three things: Matt Stafford, the turkey and contentious political commentary. Wait, what’s an Oxford comma again? OK, that was one thing. Hopefully you’ll be safe in your mansions this week. For the rest of us, let’s take a look at the thing keeping us hopeful: the upcoming fantasy playoffs and the quarterbacks that lead our teams through darkness. 

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Your WR top 80 13.0 is here!  As a rule, injuries will always bump guys down. I am generally pessimistic that players will return on time at full strength without a setback. 

This list is not league or format specific, but it is based on 2020 rest-of-season projection only. When thinking through tiers and rankings I asked myself simply – “all things considered who would I rather have on my roster?”

Read all of the QB, RB and TE Razzball Rest of Season Positional Rankings now!

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I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning (except Thanksgiving week!) for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

 Texans (-3) at Lions

Forecast: Thanksgiving wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a crappy Lions team playing in the morning game and your drunk Uncle Arlo yelling about his all-time favorite Lions player, Whizzer White. This is a matchup of Belichick minions with Matt Patricia and Romeo Crennel facing off—think we know who has the advantage. In honor of the holiday, Patricia will dress up as a turkey. Little does the Lions’ coach know, Matthew Stafford has a debilitating fear of turkeys—meleagrisphobia, it’s a real thing. When Stafford sees the enormous bird gobbling away on his sideline, he’ll run for the locker-room and never look back. With Chase Daniel tagging in for their meleagrisphobic QB, Detroit won’t stand a chance against J.J. Watt and the hungry Texans. Texans 31, Lions 17

Wager:  Texans -3 (4 Units)

2020 Season: 2-9 (-4.65 Units) 

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 12 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:

*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $5.99 for the rest of the season.

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Frank Reich is a fine man. A good man, even. Sometimes, I sit around daydreaming, wondering what it would be like if he were my father. He would no-doubt instill many wholesome values in me, his son, and be a great fishing partner. He simply has that look about him — the one that comes with a Geppetto-eque twinkle in one’s eye — that exudes wisdom and level-headedness. Personally, I believe he’s a tremendous football coach, perhaps one of the most underrated in the entire league. The Indianapolis Colts are incredibly fortunate that Josh McDaniels spurned their head coaching offer back in the February of 2018 to remain with New England, leading to Reich landing the job as a sort of second choice candidate at the time. Since then, he’s done wonders with the team and carries many strengths as the man in charge, but he’s largely been a fantasy enemy to this point — especially as it relates to the running back position. That’s because he treats his backfield like a true father figure would: he believes in all of his backs, especially the young Jonathan Taylor, and is always willing to give dish out a second chance. The issue is… it’s hard to predict when those second chances are going to come. Heading into the week, Nyheim Hines was one of the highest risers up most rest-of-season rankings after receiving 12 carries in Week 10, rushing for 70 yards and one touchdown in addition to his typical receiving workload: five receptions for 45 yards and another touchdown. Jonathan Taylor saw just seven carries in that game, to which he translated to a mere 12 yards, which came on the heels of a Week 9 game in which Reich gave Taylor a measly six carries. Fast-forward to Week 11: Taylor rushed 22 times for 90 yards, also catching four passes (on four targets) for 24 yards. Those 22 carries equated to 68.8% of running back carries (22/32), as his 26 total touches were by far the highest amongst the Indy trio. Jordan Wilkins (four carries, 21 yards; one reception on one target, 15 yards) touched the ball just five times, while Hines (six carries, two yards; three receptions on four targets, 31 yards) registered nine touches. It’s certainly encouraging to see Taylor so involved in a crucial, competitive game that the Colts ultimately won in exciting fashion — but what can we expect from him moving into the home stretch of the 2020 fantasy football season?

After sinking to RB30 overall in my rankings last week, Taylor is back up into RB2 territory thanks in large part to an incredibly easy schedule from here on out. The only truly difficult matchup remaining for Taylor will come in Week 16 against the Steelers, which isn’t ideal as it’s when most fantasy championships will occur, but until then he’ll go up against the Titans, Texans, Raiders and Texans, again. There are certainly RB2 options with safer floors, but Taylor is once again trending up and represents a much more attractive Flex play than he did one week ago.

There’s a lot more to dive into this week, so before getting to the rankings, let’s take a quick trip around the league.

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If you’re only into ground and pound games then read no further. There were a total of 79 rushing yards between both the Rams and Bucs on Monday night. There was even less runs than the time I stopped eating Chipotle for an entire year. But what this game lacked in rushing was made up for in the passing department as the teams combine for a total of 99 passing attempts. The Rams’ air attack ended up being the headline as Jared Goff went 39/51 for 376 yards, 3 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. Cooper Kupp hauled in 11 of those passes for 145 yards, while Robert Woods snatched another 12 of them for 130 yards and his 7th touchdown. Both of these pass catchers are rock solid WR2 options, and Goff remains a nice streamer with a friendly playoff schedule on the horizon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

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Oompa Loompa doompadee doo. My buddy and I looked at these silly looking dwarves singing and making candy. Then we looked at each other. Then we looked at the dwarves. Shrugging our shoulders, we went back to stuffing ourselves with the sugary delictables yearning to be eaten. We were in heaven. But then….BAM! BOOM! POW! CRASH! The Loopmas scurried away as the house of heaven came crashing down to earth. After the dust had settled, and we were rudely brought back to reality from our sugar high, it hit us. No more candy. No more heaven. Only pain. That is what happened to Bengals and Joe Burrow fans on Sunday, as he suffered a brutal knee injury, ending his season. Sigh. Now, it’s Ryan Finley time. siiiiiiigggghhhhhh. What can we expect?

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When Taysom Hill was a senior in high school he received all kinds of offers from big name college football programs, eventually committing to play for John Harbaugh at Stanford One night God came to Hill in a dream, “Taysom!” called God, “I can not permit you to play for that khaki wearing loser, John Harbaugh. Your calling is much higher. You’re needed for a two-year Mormon mission in Australia. But in exchange for your service, one day I will crack 11 of Drew Brees’s ribs giving you the chance to start in the NFL. Also, make sure you wash your hands and take your vitamins when 2020 rolls around.” And so Taysom, as a loyal servant to the lord, went to Australia to spread the good word. 12 years later God made good on his promise by crushing almost half of the ribs in Brees’s body. Hill took full advantage of the gift from above, going 18/23 for 233 yards passing while also taking 10 carries for 51 yards, 2 rushing touchdowns and a fumble lost. I know there’s a lot of hatred out in the fantasy world for Taysom Hill, but you’ll find me lining up on the other side of the debate. What can I say, I love mobile quarterbacks. Hill’s in a fantastic offense with a great coach as well as an elite wide receiver and running back which will make life a nightmare for opposing defenses. He should be rostered by someone (maybe not you) in all leagues for the immediate future, and I’d be buying Hill aggressively in dynasty leagues. He’s obviously the QB of the future in New Orleans. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

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Remember Jason Pierre-Paul’s infamous firework accident that resulted in a mangled hand, and eventually a club hand which he’d use to beat offensive linemen over the head? We came into Thursday night’s Cardinals at Seahawks game expecting all kinds of beautiful fantasy fireworks, but instead we were left with a limp disfigured hand. Hopefully we can transform this disappointment into our own club hand. It wasn’t all bad news though, as Carlos Hyde played it safe with bottle rockets and sparklers in his return from his hamstring injury. Hyde took 14 carries for 79 yards and 2 catches for 16 yards, adding in his 3rd touchdown. But don’t get too excited about playing Hyde the sausage with Carlos, odds are Chris Carson (foot) makes his return in week 12. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

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I always have to choose what information that makes the article because only so many columns will fit on the page. Well, it’s an important time of year, so, if you want to see the full sheet, including more last 3 and 5 week stats and more schedule information, click here. New column this week, DEF vs TE/game ROS, basically, what is the average standing of the defenses vs TE on a fantasy points allowed basis. Not a perfect stat by any means, but it’s a start. 

THE MAN.

Ranks Players Targets Last 3 Wks Last 5 Wks Season Stats Snaps Sched
Prev Rk Rk Name Total Tgts Avg Tgts Pts/G Pts/G Pts Pts/G Team Snap % DEF vs TE /game ROS
1 1 Travis Kelce 80 8.9 25.40 19.60 168.9 18.77 86 18.2
  • Travis Kelce is a man among boys at TE. He can build a house, fix your car, hunt down dinner, and throw that ball over them mountains. Among non-QBs, he has the 9th most points per game (1 of those 9 is CMC who only has 3 games). KC has bottom 5 match ups left and they finish with strong TE games against the Saints (26th worst vs TE) and Falcons (worst vs TE).
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