What’s this? Can it be? Yes, tis I, Beddict, back from the dead, both metaphorically and literally speaking, as I was recently shocked back to life after keestering (spellcheck wanted this word changed to “racketeering” for context) a bad batch of horse tranquilizers (or is that what they’re supposed to do?). Where have I been all season, you ask (or more likely don’t care)? Well, if you must know, I’ve been searching for my life’s purpose, something to dedicate my life to, something that inspires me…

At one point in time, I believed that writing was my true calling, believing I had the skill to become a known author, but, as per usual there was something holding me back from reaching my full potential, a blockade altering my path to glory yet again. As you sit at work reading this (while you should be working) you think to yourself: “Man, I can’t stand my wife. I wish I could go back in time and take a shot at the Brazilian stripper I met on my bachelor party in Vegas. She really seemed to get me.” Also: “What could possibly stop Tehol Beddict?!?!?! The man has a rocking body, a heart of gold, a slightly above average sized pipe, and a real talent on the key board. If he can’t become successful, who can!?!? WHY? WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL?!” The truth is, I’ve always given up on things too early, finding some excuse or reason to quit. Some would call this a fear or failure, some would call it laziness.

I’m sure many of you have experienced the same, or I don’t know, maybe you don’t have talent of any sort…and, errrr, that’s ok too… :-( …I guess what I’m trying to say here is, we all must dig deep within ourselves to become that person we were meant to be, to use the talents bestowed upon us by the Elder Gods. I’ve wasted many of the prime years of my life, but don’t intend on continuing to do so. Of course, we never intend to be utter failures in all aspects of life, so maybe I’m destined for a life of misery and despair. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, say he’s probably f*cked.

Oh, wait, is this a football column? Below are my thoughts on a few stories I find interesting in the NFL at the midway point of the season. Take Heed!

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Around noon eastern time today, I was enjoying my life. It was another day, and I had a delicious lunch consisting of a [email protected] and a granola bar. Pretty great. Matt Bowe (make sure to wish my man a Happy Birthday!) and I were talking about Joe Flacco’s broken back, and everything was going according to plan. It was going to be a normal Friday.

And then from around 12-12:15, it all went to crap. It was confirmed that Ezekiel Elliot was going to be suspended for 6 games. So I began writing about that. But then, Sammy Watkins got traded to the Los Angeles Rams. Okay, no biggie, just write two seperate pieces about it. But then, Jordan Matthews got traded to Buffalo. So screw it, we’re going to talk about all of these moves now.

I really hope Adam Schefter’s phone didn’t get hacked.

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2016 Rankings: Top-200 | Top-200 (Half PPR) | Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB | RB (PPR) | WR | WR (PPR) | TE | TE (PPR) | K | DST | Top-50 Rookies

Year Accuracy Rank High Low Percentile
2015 57.5% 22 out of 123 59.9% 51.6% Top 20%
2014 58.1% 31 out of 125 60.7% 50.6% Top 25%

So, with a few delays in our rankings process (we are releasing them a bit earlier this year so we can start talking about other, more interesting things closer to the season) and a newly updated FantaysPros rankings system, I’ve went ahead and cleaned up all the rankings we’ve released so far. I mean, as many of you noticed, there are some discrepancies between what’s published and what was actually ranked (Ezekiel Elliot being suspect numero uno) and to be honest (or honesto, if we are keeping the Spanish theme going), updating all the rankings was an easy way to learn all the back-end changes to the ranking system provided to us. It’ll also allow me to further review the back-end changes to your mother. Regardless, we’ve also added the rankings to the menu bar for quick reference, and have added easy to follow links to all the rankings on the top of each specific page (as seen above). Enjoy it. Savor it. For soon we will finish up the Receiver and Tight End rankings these next two weeks, with the top-200 following right after…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What this post presupposes is, what if we aren’t Game of Thrones? We all know winter is coming. Or wait, isn’t it here already? I feel like it is, but it kinda makes you wonder, like, what are the White Walkers actually up to right now? Furthermore, what have they been up to the last six years… honestly. Look, this site mixes fantasy football with Game of Thrones like nothing I’ve ever seen before (kinda like discovering a new genre of porn), but the more and more I think about it, shouldn’t winter have overrun the entirety of  Westeros? Like, are they just at home watching reruns of Daredevil? Perhaps doing a little gardening? Spring winter cleaning? Regardless, as has been stated in the title, the time to release rankings for the 2016 Fantasy Football season has arrived. Here’s how it’ll all play out, just so you plan your life accordingly!

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Breaking: The Rams have just traded for the first overall pick from the Titans for picks 15, 43, 45, 76 and a 2017 first round and third round pick. Holy sh*tballs that’s a lot of stuff. But look on the bright side, Robert Griffin can’t be drafted twice… (right?) There are a lot of repercussions, and an interesting storyline at work here (a reverse RG-III trade, if you will). My first instinct is, wow, that’s pretty expensive. My second instinct is, if this doesn’t work out, the Rams probably have another solid decade of mediocrity ahead for them. And thirdly… say what you want about the Rams, but they sure knew how to build a defense, mostly with the bundled picks they received from Washington several years ago. Then again, they haven’t really done much without a quarterback, something that high draft positions certainly allow for, and this seems to be their response. Zach will be analyzing the trade more in-depth later today, so stay tuned! All I’ll say is, you do some crazy things sometimes when playing with house money. Seems apt here… Now, back to your regularly scheduled program!

We’re about to jump back into the “Early Rankings” next week, but for now, we do have some leftovers to take care of. Nothing too big has happened (that’s what she said) since our free agency-focused podcast was released, but there are a number of smaller news items that are there for consumption. Mainly because I’m hungry. You can tell because I used the words “leftovers” and “consumption” in the same sentence. I should also add that I’m sleepy. These represent my normal life-state, I think. Regardless, if your biggest wish is to get Razzball’s take on the NFL’s recent day-to-day minutiae, I am here to grant that wish. And to also state that you need to make a better wish. I mean, seriously… I can probably name at least twenty-eight wishes off the top of my head that are better than this one, and they all involve 1990’s Rachel Weisz. They also include 2000’s Rachel Weisz. In fact, the entire epoch of Rachel Weisz is included here…

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It’s adorable that Eli thinks if he grows a beard, it’ll help with his perpetual eight-year-old looking face. You have to be at least 14 to do that…

[Puts hands on hips every single time my team screws up, since I had nothing to do with it. And everyone around me doesn’t measure up to my exacting standards that I haven’t somehow been able to communicate to the team over the last umpteen years, mainly because of them. Totally.] -Tom Coughlin. And thus ends the Giants season, (most likely), but don’t worry, the dream still remains alive that the NFC East division (which I also sometimes call Derpville, Population: NFC EAST), won’t have a team that will finish above .500. All that stands in the way is competence from Washington. Haha, we all know what that means. Also, Cam Newton threw another set of about 20 or so touchdowns in the first half and finished the game with 5,258. While that’s partly the Giants being the Giants, it’s hard to deny that Newton has had a MVP-caliber season on a team that’s expected to go far into the playoffs. It’ll be interesting to see how the actual vote settles, with Tom Brady doing Tom Brady-like things and other, whiter players in the mix. I’m sure we can depend on the complete objectivity and unquestionable ethics of all the sports writers to come through. And since the award will be based on the merits, the MVP will probably go to… Peyton Manning.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 15’s Sunday games…

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Well, we all knew the Bengals season was going to end as soon as they played their first playoff game, the only questions to be answered was the how and why. Unfortunately for the Bengals, the answers came about a month too early. Now sitting at 10-3, Andy Dalton broke his thumb while, of all things, making a tackle (shown above) after throwing an interception. The loss came at the hands of perpetual division rival and bee-uniform wearing Steelers, further complicating the Bengals road to their one-and-done playoff appearance. Even Tyler Eifert went down with a concussion in the first half of yesterday’s game. So you have to wonder, can they still get a bye and go for a loss during the divisional playoffs? Or will that loss come during Wild Card Weekend? All joking aside, you’d have to think that with this year’s Andy Dalton, the Bengals had the best chance they’ve had since the Carter administration to get a playoff victory, but depending on how long Dalton is out, you have to figure that limping into the tournament and unable to get a playoff win is the most likely scenario. And also sounds like a new verse for Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic”.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 14’s Sunday games…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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Technically, it’s “Newton’s law of universal gravitation”, but let’s not cut hairs here when it comes to aesthetically pleasing titles. I’m into that whole brevity thing, man. But like Newton’s law — that two bodies in the Universe attract each other with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them, or, like how Paula Abdul explained while singing with a cartoon cat, that opposites attract, Cam Newton has been able to work with what is probably the most underwhelming receiving depth in the league. Not counting the Browns. (You never count the Browns.) I mean, Ted Ginn Jr. is a starter. THIS IS CRAZY. With last night’s win against the hapless Saints, the Panthers are now 12-0 and the only undefeated team remaining. Or, if you live in Carolina, they are now the only undefeated team with a 11-1 record. Regardless, no matter what unfolds the next month, at this point, it looks like the Panthers are set to make their run to the Super Bowl, where they’ll likely face off against the not-Bengals…

Here’s what else I saw during Week 13’s Sunday games…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In what was a mix of Packers being bad and the Lions being good, one wondered what kind of dark wizardry was at work. True, the Packers had, for the most part, been struggling a bit lately after starting the season 6-0, losing three of their last four heading into last night’s game. Also true is the fact that the Lions, not too long ago, were in a heated competition with San Diego for the first overall pick in next year’s draft, but have surged a bit from worst in the league to a pretty solid below-average team. So while the Lions taking a 17-0 lead at halftime was a bit surprising, one could only help but wonder, how were the Lions going to Browns this up? Well, one thing’s certain… they sure nailed it. In what was a last-ditch hail mary (shown above), Aaron Rodgers was inexorably able to hit Richard Rodgers in the end zone to win the game. I’m calling it: that is the most Lions thing ever. EVER. If something can top that, I’m not sure the world would be ready for it…

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Quick question: If this game was on in May, would you watch it? To be honest, I wouldn’t just watch it, I’d dissolve it in a spoon and inject it into my left eyeball. But 12 weeks into the season? Yeah, not so much. While I thought the final score would be 7-0 (an insurmountable lead!), the Ravens and Browns match-up did, at least, provide some semblance of what football would look like under normal conditions with normal teams. But anything beyond that descriptor is probably pushing it. Okay, okay, it wasn’t that bad in the second half, but in the end, as the Browns pulled defeat out of the jaws of a possible tie (shown above), I didn’t really know if this game was entertaining, or I had just been reduced into thinking it was mildly interesting. And while most AFC North rivalries carry a bit of, well, national appeal, this one really doesn’t. Sure, Cleveland isn’t too fond of the Ravens, seeing as how their franchise is only three years older, yet they’ve drafted four Hall of Famer’s and a pretty large number of Pro Bowl players, and then, of course, the postseason success. But… that’s pretty much the extent of it. And, well, you know, the whole Art Modell thing. Well, anyways, one thing is for sure, that was certainly peak Browns last night. PEAK.

“See? This is why I don’t want any more Browns here.” – Donald Trump.

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