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I enjoy cooking. I’m not a world-class chef or anything, but if my girlfriend—yes, she’s imaginary—goes to the store and picks up some fresh, quality ingredients then I can whip up some pretty darn good food. Of course, I’ll use every single dish in the house to get the job done and require some major assistance in the clean up department. But the cook shouldn’t have to clean up, right? My imaginary girlfriend begs to differ after the last time she cleaned mushroom risotto off the ceiling.

Anyway, in my demented mind, this is a great analogy for the NFL running back position. Most backs fall into this good but not great chef territory. If they’re surrounded by quality ingredients and opportunity, they’re all capable of delivering some delicious fantasy food. Just provide them with the right system on a good team, with a competent quarterback to set the table and an above average offensive line to clean up the mess.

I won’t go so far as to say all running backs are made equal, but there’s only a handful of Michelin Chef running backs in the world like Saquon Barkley, Christian McCaffrey, and Ezekiel Elliott, who might be able to transform spoiled spam into a delicious honey baked ham. Oh and Kerryon Johnson, who I wrote a Kerryon Johnson Dynasty Due Diligence love letter for last week. He’s definitely Michelin! But what does all this have to do with Devin Singletary you ask?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Remember when Juju Smith-Schuster‘s bike was stolen during his 2017 rookie season? It seems like just yesterday that his completely sane buddy, Antonio Brown, was appealing to the city of Pittsburgh to return JuJu’s hot set of wheels. What you might not remember is the story of how AB tried to renege on his promised reward of two Steelers tickets to whomever returned the bicycle. The good Samaritan was forced to involve local media in order to claim his bounty:

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When I ranked Kerryon Johnson 18th overall in my Top 200 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football, I had no idea it would be more scrutinized than the final season of Game of Thrones. I had a feeling I might sit perched alone on the Iron Throne as the high man on the Lions’ young runner, but wasn’t aware the dynasty football world would look down on me in shame like the family’s drunken-disappointment-dwarf brother. But can this ugly-step-child use his wit, intellect and Medium Johnson to overcome the prejudice of the fantasy world? Or is Donkey just trippin’ again? Truth be told, I always eat a dozen doses of LSD before I write; really gets the creative juices flowing. Anyway, let’s take a closer look at Kerryon Johnson’s first two professional seasons and what the future might hold for 2020 fantasy football and beyond.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Not long ago I threw a bunch of pieces of scrap paper with random letters scribbled on them into my fedora. I then randomly drew fifty letters from the titfer. Next I conducted several ritual sacrifices to the fantasy gods, assembled those fifty illegible letters into twenty-five pairs and selected the first football player who came to mind with matching initials to compile my Top 25 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football. And that’s the story of how Kerryon Johnson landed at #18 overall, as the readers pointed and mocked.  Of course, I’m kidding about this process. I don’t own a fedora, it used a baseball cap.

A week later I repeated the same exercise to compose my Top 50 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football which landed Juju Smith-Schuster at #50 overall. And outrage ensued. The angry mob called for Donkey blood. So I quickly handed over my Top 75 and Top 100 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football. But those only fueled the riots. “Put the rankings into one easy to view list,” they said. “We don’t need your stupid explanations and jokes,” they said. “You’re the ugliest Donkey we’ve ever seen,” they said.

So I withdrew into solitude for a couple weeks, rosterbating and meditating and then rosterbating more until finally I had another 100 arbitrary player names collated into one easy to read list for the bloodthirsty mob’s viewing pleasures. Anyway, here’s my updated top 200 dynasty rankings for 2020 PPR fantasy football leagues:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Now that I’ve given you my Top 25, Top 50 and Top 75 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football, I’ll elaborate a little more on my general dynasty football philosophy. If you gathered some of the stale bread crumbs I left in the first three segments, you may have understood my philosophy to be one part L. Ron Hubbard, one part Antonio Brown and two parts Gordon Gekko. As the great Gekko once said, “I hate hockey and I don’t like kids.” Hmmm I think that’s the wrong quote from the Book of Gordon Quotes I got for Kwanzaa. That one may have been Gordon Bombay.

But getting back to the Gekko philosophy, I tend to look at my dynasty teams like investment portfolios. I tie my capital up in stable assets with upside—both at the draft and in season. This means I tend to fade the running back position. By nature, running backs aren’t stable due to the physical toll their work takes on the body and their greater dependence on offensive schemes, as well as the supporting cast around them.

Of course you won’t be winning your fantasy championship without at least a couple good RBs, so I focus the back end of my portfolio on a handful of growth or even penny stock backs with a chance to skyrocket into Phillip Lindsay or Raheem Mostert types. All of that said, there isn’t one ‘right way’ to invest. So acquire the players you believe in, build around them, and stay flexible in your views. Anyway, here’s my top 100 for 2020 dynasty football PPR leagues:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Two weeks ago I amused the people with my top 25 for 2020 dynasty football where I wrote about my crooked hard-on for Kerryon Johnson from my cushy American barn. Last week I captivated the audience with my top 50 for 2020 dynasty football where I insulted JuJu Smith-Schuster while vacationing in Madrid. This week I’ll regale the world with my top 75 for 2020 dynasty football, written while stranded in Paris on Jesus’s Birthday. Long story short: the Europeans are on strike. Nobody wants to work, making my holiday travels a challenge. But there’s worse places to get stuck than Paris where Donkey has made the most of it by visiting world renowned Peyronie’s Disease specialists, eating hay crêpes and discovering new football talent; I’ve heard this Cristiano Ronaldo hombre will be a great kicker. Anyway, here’s my top 75 for 2020 dynasty football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last week I went over the top 25 for 2020 dynasty football. I’m still reeling from the harassment my Kerryon Johnson ranking provoked, yet the show must go on. But first, to answer a few questions from the audience regarding my top 25: Yes, I am an idiot; No, Joe Mixon did not kick my puppy; Yes, Kerryon Johnson is my cousin; And no, I’m not involved in a sexual relationship with my cousin, Kerryon Johnson. Anyway, today I’ll take a break from the intensive Peyronie’s Disease treatment I’m now receiving and go over the top 50 for 2020 dynasty football PPR leagues:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I was watching NFL Network Sunday morning and a commercial came on that made me double take:

That’s right, there’s a curved erection epidemic running rampant in America! This advertisement created more questions than answers. First, what are the scientific qualifications for a shaft to earn the “diseased” label? Are we talking right angles or a bit more obtuse? Is there a special penis protractor to measure the exact angles? And what’s the treatment plan for this condition? You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know. But I am curious, who was this Peyronie guy? Whoever he was, thanks to him, the family name will forever go down as the crooked erection guys. The point is, no matter how terrible your fantasy football team was this season, things could be worse. You could be watching targeted erectile deformity ads on Sunday mornings. Even if you just got done searching Amazon for a penis protractor, at least the curved dong disease wasn’t named after you. And there’s always next year! So let’s all zip up our pants and shift our attention over to my early 2020 top 100 dynasty football PPR rankings which will be released into your veins–arm veins– via four-part slow drip: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?