TNF, Week 7: Jets vs. Patriots

As Rex Ryan continues to countdown the weeks to unemployment, the Patriots must again try to overcome adversity with left guard Brian Winters and running back Steven Ridley suffering year-ending injuries. Though, sitting in the AFC East, I wouldn’t exactly call it “adversity”. Probably more of a handicap to make it more fair for the Jets, Bills, and Dolphins. The Patriots plan on going with the three-headed beast of mediocrity in Shane Vereen, Brandon Bolden, and James White. They all expect to share time, which pretty much assures that James Develin will probably have the best night. Boston just got a hard-on after reading that. I would normally say something about the Jets here, but if I start a sentence that begins with Geno Smith, I’ll be too depressed to carry on. But it is Thursday Night Football, so this game should be competitive. For about 45 seconds.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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MNF, Week 6: 49ers vs. Rams

by: Jay

Tonight’s game features two teams going in different directions. The 49ers have won two straight, even with reports coming out that Jim Harbaugh has lost the player’s trust. I find this curious, as while his act is tiring, obtrusive, and just unnecessary (like your mother), his 41-14-1 record over the past three years seems like something he could just write on piece of paper with a sharpie and tape it on the player’s heads. Probably a reason why I’m not an NFL coach. Or a parent. Or any kind of authority figure. Colin Kaepernick is doing what he does best, and that’s be inconsistency marginal, but still providing value with his legs. And Frank Gore seems to not be getting old yet, which gives someone like me, who is one year older, hope that the best days are yet to come. (Only with the help of the magical life-garnish known as alcohol.) The Rams have lost two straight, and while Austin Davis is no Sam Bradford, we should probably realize that’s a good thing. Brian Quick has quickly become a quick target for Davis. Quickly. And Zac Stacy has not rushed for more than 71 yards in a game this season. So thanks for that. (I’m not really thankful.)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

SNF, Week 6: Giants vs. Eagles

October 12, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 32 Comments

by: Jay

This seems like a match-up made more for Thursday Night Football, in that, the potential derp is strong with this game… but people forget Sunday Night Football derp can be equally as, if not more entertaining. TNF merely adopted the derp; SNF was born in it, molded by it. Clearly, the New York Giants offense is improving on a week-by-week basis, with Eli Manning not looking this good since the epoch of Coughlin face being level 8 red. Not the level 18 it is lately. Much of that credit goes to Ben McAdoo, despite having the name: Ben McAdoo. The Eagles are 4-1, but have looked inconsistently innovative. Also, Riley Cooper still looks like a racist. And, if you want my fair analysis, it’s my expert opinion that both those issues can be blamed on Nick Foles, who, coming off such a robust 2013 27 touchdown performance, has regressed a bit this season. (I’m kidding, it’s not really his fault. The tempo clock is probably it.) But that’s okay, because LeSean McCoy has already dried up my tear ducts and is now on pace for producing that ever elusive ulcer WebMD has been warning me about since college. But if there’s one thing for certain, a NFC East prime-time game is always historic. Not moon-landing historic… probably more Titanic historic here. So get your drinks and pastry snacks (AKA pizza) ready…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 6 Late Games: Is it Romocember Yet?

October 12, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 19 Comments

by: Jay

No, most certainly not. But the leaves are changing, the weather is getting a bit chillier, and the Cowboys are winning, which can only mean that their inevitable collapse into mediocrity and missing out on the playoffs in the last two weeks of the season is right on schedule. Or is it? GOOD QUESTION BRAH. The 4-1 Cowboys have been led by both Romo (1260 YDS, 9 TD) and DeMarco Murray (130 CAR, 670 YDS, 5 TD), but are facing a still dominant Seattle defense in what is the highlight game today. One of the most interesting battles should be between Dez Bryant and Richard Sherman, if only because we all know Sherman ranks Bryant last in his wide receiver rankings. Sure, all receivers rank last in his rankings, but at least they aren’t in the sorriest category like Michael Crabtree is. (Can confirm, Crabtree is pretty bad.) There are a lot of things going against the Cowboys here: facing the number one ranked defense, at home, and they haven’t won five straight since 2007. Fate seems to be a pretty big factor, as I’m not certain that natural law allows for such a win for “America’s” team. That being said, if they do somehow pull it off, we’ll be forced to actually think the Cowboys are a good football team. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I’m not sure any of us are.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 6 Early Games: Bungles Gonna Bungle

October 12, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 116 Comments

by: Jay

After last Sunday’s unexpected, yet sort of expected meltdown against a Patriots team that was seriously broken to that point, one has to wonder if the Bengals will ever be ready for the spotlight. Signing Andy Dalton to a six-year, bajillionty dollar contract extension this past offseason certainly showed us that their front office is all in. Or, at the very least, supports the ingredient ginger. And while you could argue that such a large extension for a quarterback that’s mainly used as a bar for comparing other quarterback’s talent levels (if your quarterback is better than Andy Dalton, you’re in pretty good shape, if he isn’t, you’re screwed), it’s not like there’s an abundance of elite throwers out there. Plenty of Jason Campbell’s and Kevin Kolb’s though. So there are worse things you could do at the position. The Jets say hello. And paired with one of the best receivers in the NFL in A.J. Green, with Giovani Bernard and a top-5 defense, you could see this Bengels team go really far. Just as long as they don’t have any more games in prime time. Or during Wild Card weekend. Or any playoff game in general. But besides that, I could totally see this team take off. Really.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

TNF, Week 6: Colts vs. Texans

October 9, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 36 Comments

by: Jay

Since this game falls on Thursday night, I can only surmise that the Colts will win this game by at least 48,965 touchdowns. And I feel that might be on the low-end. In what will be a battle of two 3-2 teams, the Colts appear the stronger one-game-above-mediocrity team because of the weapons they have on offense. Led by Andrew Luck and his 1,617 yards, 14 touchdowns, and his amazing likeness to Hodor, both Reggie Wayne and T.Y. Hilton are on pace for around 1,000 yard seasons, and for the first time in twenty years, Trent Richardson may finally end a season with more than 1.9 YPC. Haha, just kidding. No way that happens. On the flip side, you have Arian Foster and his everyday struggle to not get injured. I’m pretty sure they keep him in bubble wrap and sound alarms when he sneezes. He has 86 carries so far, which I call bullsh*t on. He’s never done anything more than 10 times without pulling a hamstring. Regardless, there are makings here of a decent game, so obviously it’ll be over in the first three minutes. HODOR.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

MNF, Week 5: Seahawks vs. Washington Football Team

October 6, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 55 Comments

by: Jay

Our football cuppeth runneth over…eth… I guess? With another Sunday in the books, Monday Night Football has arrived, just in time to give us a reason to drink for at least three hours tonight. Or maybe that’s just me. But it won’t be once this game gets started. While you could find reasons to support tonight’s affair being a trap game for the heavily favored Seahawks, I assure you, it would take a meteor dropping down in Landover, MD of epic dinosaur extinction proportions to affect the outcome of this game. And I hate to tell ya, but Bruce Willis is still alive and well. So, we must drink! Coming off a bye, the Seahawks have also won eight straight Monday night games and still have an elite defense that will face Kirk Cousins, who is coming off a career-high four interception game. Should be a mix better made for a Thursday Night Football game. Then again, as my Chargers proved, the Seahawks aren’t as dominating when outside the proximity of fish-throwers and Space Needles and smarmy coffee drinkers, but you’d have to think a functional defense would help here. Washington… does not have that.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

SNF, Week 5: Bengals vs. Patriots

October 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 42 Comments

by: Jay

Just in time for tonight’s prime time festivities, there are reports surfacing like leaky submarines (stay with me here) that “tension” exists between Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. If by tension you mean “sh*tty quarterback play”, then yes, I can see that.

Two sources told ESPN that former rookie quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was drafted as Brady’s successor and the move could happen “sooner than later.” No source suggested that “sooner” would mean a change during the 2014 season.

So the question here is, what the heck does “soon” mean then? Soon to me is, like, soon. Not 365 days from now. Let’s figure out what these words actually mean before using them, yes?

Cincinnati, who could arguably be one of the best teams so far, brings in a well-balanced offensive attack, despite all the gingerness, not to mention a physical defense that has helped generated the only undefeated team in the AFC. Then again, the Bengals have a propensity to lay down in meaningful games, but lucky for them, this isn’t the playoffs.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 5 Late Games: Bye Bye Bye Week

October 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 10 Comments

by: Jay

The surprising Cardinals (3-0) are set to take on the Broncos (2-1) after both teams enjoyed their byes. That sounds hot. Denver has been surprisingly pedestrian in a lot of ways so far this season, beating the Chiefs and Colts by a touchdown before the overtime loss against Seattle. There’s been no word as of yet if authorities have located Demaryius Thomas, but I’m assuming they are just doing what Peyton Manning has been doing and confusing which Thomas is which. No, it’s that one. No, not that one. That one. Wait, now I’m confused. The undefeated Cardinals, which is not an oxymoron, I swear, is still without Carson Palmer. But that’s okay if you have a defense that’s only allowing 15 points a game and just 2.9 yards per carry. Sorry Montee Ball owners. But don’t worry! Next week he’ll be going against the… Jets… ewww. Yeah, nevermind.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 5 Early Games: Questionabletron

October 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 94 Comments

by: Jay

The latest reports coming out of Detroit are expressing caution… ever since the mayor signed a deal with the mega-corportaion Omni Consumer Products (OCP) to run and control the underfunded police force. Obviously, the city itself is on the verge of total collapse and anarchy, due to financial ruin and a high crime rate. To help combat this, OCP, in partnership with Hasbro, has created Megatron, a sentient robotic lifeform that has the ability to transform between his robot shape and that of a 29 year old, 6’5″, 236 lbs wide receiver, who, because of some sort of ankle circuitry malfunction, is questionable to fight against the ED-209 at OCP HQ to save the Detroit Police force, and also continue making Matt Stafford look like a good quarterback in this Sunday’s game against the Bills.

And that’s how you take Robocop, Transformers, the Detroit Lions, and Fantasy Football news, mix them together, and produce hot, edible nerd sauce for most meats and garnishes. Call me, ladies.

Week 5 Rankings have been updated for today’s games. You can check them out here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

TNF: Vikings vs. Packers

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 75 Comments

by: Jay

While Teddy Bridgewater is technically a game time decision, Adam Schefter is reporting that the “signs point to him (Bridgewater) not playing tonight.” Which means that there’s a 50% chance that he’s playing, while there’s a 100% chance that Christian Ponder might play. THE SUSPENSE EVERYONE. Suffering a high ankle sprain in last Sunday’s surprising win against Atlanta (41-28), Bridgewater was held out of practice all week. Seeing as how this is the same injury that’s been ailing Jamaal Charles, I expect nothing less than three touchdowns and 90 rushing yards from the Minnesota quarterback tonight. But, if Ponder starts (UPDATE: Ian Rapoport has now confirmed that Ponder will be starting), that should be just as exciting. And by exciting, I mean like how watching two cars crash into each other is exciting. Remember, the Vikings are facing a Packers team fresh off a game against the Bears where they ended every single drive with at least a field goal attempt. Adding the cherry on top, the forecast is calling for a torrential rain storm that we haven’t seen the likes of since Darren Aronofsky’s Noah. So… should be derptastic fun for all folks…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

MNF, Week 4: Patriots vs. Chiefs

September 29, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 52 Comments

by: Jay

These are not your father’s Patriots. Mostly because they sucked more back then. But here in the 21st century, we are used to the Greatriots. Not so much anymore. More like the Mediocriots, amiright? Tom Brady, the Uggs Overlord himself, is ranked 30th in the league with just 5.54 yards per attempt, and has just completed 1 of his 13 attempts of 21 yards or longer downfield. While not exactly elite receivers, both Danny Amendola and Brandon Lafell have just four catches on the season. Sure, some of this probably has something to do with shoddy offensive line play and an ineffective running game, but at the end of the day, who cares? The sweet sweet schadenfreude is there for the taking. On the other side, you have an Andy Reid led Chiefs that has a defense regarded highly as the hottest garbage available at the moment. But good news, Jamaal Charles, through some medical miracle, is set to start tonight after ~~tearing his ACL~~, ~~receiving a leg contusion~~, suffering a high-ankle sprain. So that should be fun to watch.

Please, blog, may I have some more?