I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3.5) at Chicago Bears

Forecast: We’ve been killing it with these Thursday night picks. And by killing it I mean butchering it. Kind of like the Bears quarterback play. The turnaround starts tonight though—for our picks, not Da Bears QBs—as Brady rides The Gronk into the Windy City for another Thursday night thriller. Chicago will start with their 30 million dollar man, Nick Foles, at the helm but make the switch back to Trubisky to start the 2nd quarter. After one of the worst halves in the history of professional sports, they’ll turn to a quarterback committee of Khalil Mack, one legged Tarik Cohen and mascot Staley Da Bear. On the wings of vastly improved quarterback play, the Bears will storm back to tie the game late in the 4th quarter. But Brady will answer with a game winning drive culminating with Gronk’s 3rd touchdown of the night. Buccaneers 38, Bears 31

Wager:  Bucs -3.5 (1 Unit)

2020 Season: 0-4 (-3.85 Units) 

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 5 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:

I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Cincinnati Bengals (+6) at Cleveland Browns

Forecast: Nice of the NFL to serve us up the Ohio Toilet Bowl as a week 2 primetime game. On the plus side, you know Odell Beckham Jr. is always ready to go for the toilet bowl! But Odell’s disturbing fetish won’t be the only story line of our week two Thursday Night Football match up. Don’t take your eyes off Myles Garrett on the opening drive. He’ll sack the Bengals rookie QB, Joe Burrow, and knock him out of the game by ripping Burrow’s new bling chain off and beating him over the head with it. After the rookie’s departure, Ryan Finley will keep the Bengals in this one by peppering A.J. Green and Tyler Boyd with his deep ball, in the 5-7 yard range. On the ground, Nick will get his Chubb back, but Mixon will continue to leave his owners limp. And down the stretch, it’ll be Case Keenum flinging the feces to OBJ; Baker Mayfield has accidentally doubled booked for Thursday night and he’ll have to sneak away at halftime to record a few Progressive commercials.  Browns 28, Bengals 17

Wager: Browns -6 (1 Unit)

2020 Season: 0-1 (-1.1 Units)

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 2: