I went to the doctor yesterday to request a procedure. No, not an enlargement, those are apparently on hold until post-pandemic. I was there to see if my doc would inject the Thursday night Texans vs. Chiefs game directly into my veins; I wasn’t sure if ocular consumption would be enough to tide my cravings until Sunday afternoon. You wouldn’t believe how rude the women at the front desk was to me. Here’s a direct quote, “Sir, this is a Wendy’s! Please stop talking to the Dr. Pepper dispenser and put your clothes back on!” Hey, lady, how bout a little compassion for an addict?!

Speaking of compassion, Clyde Edwards-Helaire had none of it for the Texans in the season opener. The hyped up rookie gashed the Houston defense by taking 25 carries for 138 yards and a touchdown. Granted there were times when it seemed the Texans had only 3-men in the box and Clyde didn’t impress at the goal line, but even Edwards-Helaire haters have to admit he looked great otherwise. And the Mahomes led offense will yield plenty of light boxes throughout the season. I ranked CEH #11 overall in my 2020 fantasy football rankings, and looking to the rest of the season, I’d bump him up to #5 or 6 after this impressive week one workload. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Darrel Williams – 7 carries for 23 yards and 2 catches for 7 yards.  Part of the reason I ranked CEH a bit below consensus down at #11—other than stupidity—was my expectation that Williams would take a decent chunk of the carries. Wrong, dummy.

Andy Reid – Elected to go with the full face shield rather than a cloth mask so that he could eat his half time triple cheeseburgers freely. 

Patrick Mahomes – 24/32 for 211 yards and 3 touchdowns. 211 yards? Mahomie went 16 games in 2018 without throwing for less than 240 yards. Panic!

Travis Kelce – 6 catches for 50 yards and a touchdown. There was a preseason push projecting Kittle as the #1 overall tight end. So disrespectful. Kelce plays every game every year and puts up 1,000 yards in his sleep. I can’t even get a girl to touch me in my sleep. 

Demarcus Robinson – 3 catches for 20 yards. Appeared to catch the first touchdown of the 2020 season, but instead was cursed with the first overturned touchdown of the season. Robinson did post an eye popping 7.02 yards of separation per target on his six targets Thursday. For reference, Tyreek Hill averaged 3.97 yards, Sammy Watkins 3.77 yards and Will Fuller 2.23 yards. There should be some big games in store for this kid who Mahomes talked up during training camp.

Sammy Watkins – 7 catches for 82 yards and a touchdown. The second overturned touchdown catch of the season belonged to Watkins. But two plays later he hit pay dirt for real on a 2 yard screen. It’s the most action Sammy’s seen since he discovered Tinder back in 2017.

Tyreek Hill – 5 catches for 46 yards and a touchdown. After wearing an invisibility cloak for the first half, Reek decided to apparate for the final two quarters. Maybe I shouldn’t have dropped Hill for Watkins at halftime.

Mecole Hardman – 1 catch for 6 yards. Only played 19 total snaps and 10 were on special teams. Mecole’s performance did not make me hard, man. Bust alert.

Deshaun Watson – 20/32 for 253 passing yards, 6 carries for 27 yards, 2 total touchdowns and 1 interception. Signed a 160 million dollar contract just last week, but unfortunately money can’t buy you a super elite receiver like DeAndre Hopkins. Oh wait, yes it could have. 

David Johnson – 11 carries for 77 yards, 3 catches for 32 yards and a touchdown. A lot of folks were hating on DJ’s beats over the offseason. After Bill O’Brien traded his left kidney for Johnson I had a feeling he would be a focal point of the Texans offense. So I was right about something thru one game!

Jordan Akins – 2 catches for 39 yards and a touchdown. Clocked in with an 81% snap share—that’s A LOT. Put him on breakout watch and make sure he’s owned if you’re in a 2TE league. 

Will Fuller – 8 catches for 112 yards. Each game Fuller plays without getting injured is a miracle Jesus would be proud of. That’s Jesus my Hispanic buddy from college who drafted Fuller in our auction league. Anyway, Fuller’s a must-start stud as long as he’s healthy.  

Brandin Cooks – 2 catches for 20 yards. Was a game time decision with a quad injury. Jesus drafted Cooks too and it’ll take a bunch of his miracles for both these Texan receivers to make it through the whole season healthy.

Duke Johnson – 5 carries for 14 yards. Left with a leg injury and never returned. It looked to me like he was running in quick sand when he subbed in for the other DJ on the first drive of the 2nd half. Buddy Howell is the next man up on the depth chart if the Duke is sidelined.

 

 

  1. Son says:
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    Helarious!!!

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      I’m not laughing!

  2. howie2978 says:
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    Hey DK, thanks for the write up. 8 team H2H half ppr league auction draft.

    My RBs are Barkley, Sanders, Drake, Swift, and Moss. Would you drop Swift for James Robinson?

    Thanks!

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Hey Howie, I’d stand pat there.

      No problem

      • howie2978 says:
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        Thanks! Much appreciated!

        • Donkey Teeth

          Donkey Teeth says:
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          No problem!

  3. William Hung says:
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    Sammy Watkins W1 priority waiver add in 12 teamers? I doubt I get him since I’m very low on the priority list… I was debating between him and Emmanuel Sanders and went with Sanders since he was ranked in the top 100.

    Sammy also had a big W1 last year but didn’t do much ROS, so maybe this is his thing?

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Nah I’d still rather have Manny. So many mouths to feed in KC and you’re right, Sammy tends to come out strong and then stumble.

      • i don't want to brag but i have irritable bowel syndrome says:
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        he did that last year too in week 1 (better than last night too). were some of the BUF years (IF you want to call him playing at BUF using the term “years” considering how much time he actually played while at BUF). he’ll likely be a guy in like 16’ers that you have to play and some weeks you win from him, but not so much other weeks. i DO have him in 1 12 teamer 2 QB dynasty as my likely worst (6th) WR (but i have a pretty good team over there, he’d be better than WR 6 for most of the league). was behind at least edelman/p-will and probably dobbins for the 2nd flex this week (from consensus rankings).

        this actually brings up a question, half-PPR dynasty 2 QB (have 4 QB’s)
        RB (2) michel, dobbins, ingram, kamara, ekeler,
        WR (3): boyd, edelman, thielen, p-will, k.allen, watkins,
        TE (1): ertz, jonnu
        2 regular flexes
        drop michel for any of: d.harris (would have to drop to IR stash but a lot of IR’s), henderson, b.love, kelley, dillon

        • Donkey Teeth

          Donkey Teeth says:
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          I’d swap Michel out for Kelley, it’s more of a gut feel than anything though.

  4. Mike says:
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    Who would start in the Flex (0.5 PPR)?

    AJ Brown
    AJ Green
    Melvin Gordon

    Thanks.

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Coin flip between Brown and Gordon for me. Lean toward Brown but tough to bench either. You must be loaded…

      • i don't want to brag but i have irritable bowel syndrome says:
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        yeah this is a good team here if benching any of these is a possible thing (much less 2 of them) (or course this could be a 10 teamer for all we know)

  5. waffles says:
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    good stuff Mr. Teeth

    10 team .5ppr super flex + extra flex would you make this trade

    trade Le’veon Bell + Jared Cook for DK Metcalf + David Montgomery

    given the following team

    QB Lamar Jackson
    RB Dalvin Cook
    RB Todd Gurley
    WR Julio Jones
    WR Terry McLaurin
    TE Jared Cook
    Flex Le’Veon Bell
    Flex Marvin Jones Jr
    OP Carson Wentz
    D Chiefs
    K Gould

    Bench
    Antonio Gibson
    Daniel Jones
    Darius Slayton
    Preston Williams
    Sony Michel
    Chris Thompson
    Mike Gesicki

    I’m concerned on some of the stuff i’m reading about Bell.

    Gesicki would slide up as my starting TE. Metcalf would trade spots with Bell into my flex. Montgomery could potentially replace Marvin Jones as my other flex.

    appreciate your thoughts

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Thanks, waffles!

      There’s a lot of hate going around for Bell but I think it’s way overblown. It’s a fair deal, but since you already have plenty of depth I’d keep Bell. I’d try to make an upgrade deal instead, packaging Cook with someone for a better RB or WR. Cook and Marvin for D.K. type of thing…not sure if that’s enough to get it done but something along those lines.

      • waffles says:
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        thanks. so given that team you would trade Jared Cook plus Marvin Jones for DK?

        • Donkey Teeth

          Donkey Teeth says:
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          Definitely, was saying not sure if that would be enough for the other guy….give it a shot

  6. ryanoger says:
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    .5 ppr keeper league

    Lose Hardman or Kirk for Desean Jackson or hold?

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      I’d lose him for Kirk

      • ryanoger says:
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        I have Kirk—Lose Hardman for Desean or hold?

        • Donkey Teeth

          Donkey Teeth says:
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          That depends on the rest of your roster and how keepers work. In the shorter term I definitely prefer DJax.

          • ryanoger says:
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            Thanks!

            • Donkey Teeth

              Donkey Teeth says:
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              No problem!

  7. wwekoda2020 says:
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    Put in a claim for swift and drop Joshua Kelley for that claim? Ppr league

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Yeah I’d rather have Swift over Kelley still

  8. Kool Aid says:
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    What’s up Donkey? I saw one of your previous articles on sit/start for the week and was wondering what’s my best move at the 2nd RB slot for Week 1. Is there realistically a better option on my bench this week over Cam Akers? Btw I checked our leagues FA pool and there’s just dust in the RB department. Care to assist?

    10 Team, Full Point PPR, 1 Flex Spot

    QB Kyler Murray
    RB Saquon Barkley
    RB Cam Akers
    WR Deandre Hopkins
    WR Chris Godwin
    TE Darren Waller
    Flex DK Metcalf
    D New Orleans
    K Ryan Succop

    Bench
    JK Dobbins
    Jordan Howard
    Diontae Johnson
    Preston Williams
    Chris Herndon
    Jimmy Garoppolo

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Hey Kool Aid,

      That’s the lineup I’d start. There’s probably a little higher floor with Howard but I’d much rather run Akers out there for the upside.

      Nice team!

  9. Boomer says:
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    Hey DT,
    Handcuff question.

    In a ppr dynasty league. Have Aaron Jones and worried about the need to handcuff him. Do you recommend handcuffing him & which handcuff (Williams or Dillon) is worthy of a roster spot over any of the following bench players?

    Michel, Tate, Jared Cook, Kirk?

    Other RB’s for perspective on my roster are Bell, White, Dobbins. Roster makeup 2QB, 2RB, 3WR, 1TE, 2Flex, 1DST, 7 bench.

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Hey Boomer,

      I would’ve said Dillon a couple weeks ago but there’s been a lot of talk about how good Jamaal Williams has looked recently. Makes it a tough handcuff situation and I’m guessing neither guy takes on anywhere near the full Jones workload if he goes down. So I’d pass for the time being.

  10. Nightpandas says:
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    Kelley over AP or Malcolm Brown? Bench spots…std league

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Yes, over Malcolm Brown

  11. hitzone says:
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    10 team ppr

    trade my J taylor/Moore/Allen/Metcalf for Michael Thomas/Golladay/Dobbins/Lamb

    My starting 7 would be

    CEH
    Akers
    Adams
    Thomas
    Boyd
    Golladay
    1 of Gibson/Dobbins/James Robinson/Evan Engram

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Answered on today article comments

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