I went to the doctor yesterday to request a procedure. No, not an enlargement, those are apparently on hold until post-pandemic. I was there to see if my doc would inject the Thursday night Texans vs. Chiefs game directly into my veins; I wasn’t sure if ocular consumption would be enough to tide my cravings until Sunday afternoon. You wouldn’t believe how rude the women at the front desk was to me. Here’s a direct quote, “Sir, this is a Wendy’s! Please stop talking to the Dr. Pepper dispenser and put your clothes back on!” Hey, lady, how bout a little compassion for an addict?!
Speaking of compassion, Clyde Edwards-Helaire had none of it for the Texans in the season opener. The hyped up rookie gashed the Houston defense by taking 25 carries for 138 yards and a touchdown. Granted there were times when it seemed the Texans had only 3-men in the box and Clyde didn’t impress at the goal line, but even Edwards-Helaire haters have to admit he looked great otherwise. And the Mahomes led offense will yield plenty of light boxes throughout the season. I ranked CEH #11 overall in my 2020 fantasy football rankings, and looking to the rest of the season, I’d bump him up to #5 or 6 after this impressive week one workload. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:
Darrel Williams – 7 carries for 23 yards and 2 catches for 7 yards. Part of the reason I ranked CEH a bit below consensus down at #11—other than stupidity—was my expectation that Williams would take a decent chunk of the carries. Wrong, dummy.
Andy Reid – Elected to go with the full face shield rather than a cloth mask so that he could eat his half time triple cheeseburgers freely.
Patrick Mahomes – 24/32 for 211 yards and 3 touchdowns. 211 yards? Mahomie went 16 games in 2018 without throwing for less than 240 yards. Panic!
Travis Kelce – 6 catches for 50 yards and a touchdown. There was a preseason push projecting Kittle as the #1 overall tight end. So disrespectful. Kelce plays every game every year and puts up 1,000 yards in his sleep. I can’t even get a girl to touch me in my sleep.
Demarcus Robinson – 3 catches for 20 yards. Appeared to catch the first touchdown of the 2020 season, but instead was cursed with the first overturned touchdown of the season. Robinson did post an eye popping 7.02 yards of separation per target on his six targets Thursday. For reference, Tyreek Hill averaged 3.97 yards, Sammy Watkins 3.77 yards and Will Fuller 2.23 yards. There should be some big games in store for this kid who Mahomes talked up during training camp.
Sammy Watkins – 7 catches for 82 yards and a touchdown. The second overturned touchdown catch of the season belonged to Watkins. But two plays later he hit pay dirt for real on a 2 yard screen. It’s the most action Sammy’s seen since he discovered Tinder back in 2017.
Tyreek Hill – 5 catches for 46 yards and a touchdown. After wearing an invisibility cloak for the first half, Reek decided to apparate for the final two quarters. Maybe I shouldn’t have dropped Hill for Watkins at halftime.
Mecole Hardman – 1 catch for 6 yards. Only played 19 total snaps and 10 were on special teams. Mecole’s performance did not make me hard, man. Bust alert.
Deshaun Watson – 20/32 for 253 passing yards, 6 carries for 27 yards, 2 total touchdowns and 1 interception. Signed a 160 million dollar contract just last week, but unfortunately money can’t buy you a super elite receiver like DeAndre Hopkins. Oh wait, yes it could have.
David Johnson – 11 carries for 77 yards, 3 catches for 32 yards and a touchdown. A lot of folks were hating on DJ’s beats over the offseason. After Bill O’Brien traded his left kidney for Johnson I had a feeling he would be a focal point of the Texans offense. So I was right about something thru one game!
Jordan Akins – 2 catches for 39 yards and a touchdown. Clocked in with an 81% snap share—that’s A LOT. Put him on breakout watch and make sure he’s owned if you’re in a 2TE league.
Will Fuller – 8 catches for 112 yards. Each game Fuller plays without getting injured is a miracle Jesus would be proud of. That’s Jesus my Hispanic buddy from college who drafted Fuller in our auction league. Anyway, Fuller’s a must-start stud as long as he’s healthy.
Brandin Cooks – 2 catches for 20 yards. Was a game time decision with a quad injury. Jesus drafted Cooks too and it’ll take a bunch of his miracles for both these Texan receivers to make it through the whole season healthy.
Duke Johnson – 5 carries for 14 yards. Left with a leg injury and never returned. It looked to me like he was running in quick sand when he subbed in for the other DJ on the first drive of the 2nd half. Buddy Howell is the next man up on the depth chart if the Duke is sidelined.